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Today's Featured Article So at my old job, there was this girl I had a serious crush on. I mean, everything about her was amazing. Her hair, her lips, her football-shaped body... the way she entered those numbers into the AS/400, it was like God himself had sent one of his angels down to Earth to enter numbers into the AS/400. So I was talking about her to my friend Ryan, and he said, "Hey, dude, you have that old Casio, right? Why don't you write her a love song?" I thought it was a good idea. So the next day, I went to work, and Ryan came with me and brought his guitar, and I laid it all down for her. Well, unfortunately, she said no. And also I was fired. But I learned one thing: it's better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all. (Full article...) Recently featured: Water UnNews:Canada's international reputation wreck found in the Arctic Ocean UnBooks:Darth Maul's Diary Metalheads Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did you know... *... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling? ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay? ... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling? ... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay? ... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?	In the news "It's for the children's own good!" Starmer bans pornography nationwide (Pictured) Ozzy Osbourne remembers Uncyclopedia Obama to Democrats: "toughen up, you fucking pussies!" Trump sends condolences to tough-guy actor "Mikey Madison" Clint Eastwood announces plans to live forever Trumpman introduces Trumpmobile Diddy gets off easy, possibly due to bribing jury Musk establishes "Porky Pig Party" to combat Trump's "Big Beautiful Bill" United Nations Secretary General gives up on world peace, World War Three begins Netanyahu and Khamenei get it on Trump joins in for threesome, blows load Khamenei fails to follow up after dirty talk, taps out Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims • LA ICE raids • Connie Francis • Alan Bergman • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates On this day... July 27: StarCraft Day (Korea), Nerdery Day (Internetopia) 7 BC – First computer created, using a yard of string, a goat, and three partially eaten kidney beans. 6 BC – The first computer nerd (pictured) fixes a goat/bean compatibility issue on a local goatherd's new computer. 3 BC – A computer nerd/farmer has sex with his goat causing string problems and generating large amounts of upchucked kidney beans, thus creating the first computer virus. 0 BC – A child runs through a field and trips over a string where a vast network of stringed goats are being held. The chain reaction sets off an epidemic of bean-upchucking and goat-kicking that doesn't end until the goats are re-neutered and restringed. 500 – A woman proposes the use of thin strips of silicon to faciliate the use of micro-circuitry, halving computer sizes and doubling their speed. The woman is stoned to death then given a medal after being credited with the discovery of the breast implant. Male suicide rates halved. 666 – Steve Jobs trades his soul to Satan for StarCraft, the first game capable of running on goats tied together with string. He goes on to invent Blizzard. 1000 – The Y1K Bug destroys computers, causing the human race to be enslaved by toasters. Later someone pulls the plug on the toasters and the humans are freed. 1866 – Cyrus Field successfully completes the Atlantic Cable, thus allowing for the largest single transfer of internet porn in history. 1914 – British troops invade the streets of Dublin and demand free wifi. 1979 – Actor Penis Van Lesbian changes his name to the more acceptable Dick Van Dyke. 2003 – English tribute band Two Humps is formed in Nottinghamfordshire-upon-Kent, Surrey, England. 2007 – The finincially ailing Area 51 is forced to open its doors to the public in order to avoid bankruptcy. 2010 – StarCraft II is released to the public. Koreans everywhere rejoice. 2011 – Blizzard denies allegations that a third installment, StarCraft III, is under development. Koreans everywhere grieve. 2036 – StarCraft III is officially confirmed by Blizzard. Koreans everywhere rejoice. 2057 – The Japanese discover how to manufacture immortality out of panties and meth, and subsequently sell it from vending machines. Koreans steal the formula and take over the world. 2135 – StarCraft III is released. Walmart regains control of the world because Koreans are too busy playing it.
Today's featured picture A screenshot of MS Paint, an image manipulation program. Image credit: Nonymous View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Writer and Noob of the Month Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Now you only have 4, yes 4 days to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!

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