|Wythenshawe in bloom 1996|
|Motto: "Fuck you"|
|Official language(s)||Mancunian, Mong|
|Opening hours||24 mutha fuckin 7|
~ Bastards 16:9
Wythenshawe is a populous area in the North West of England, forming part of the city of Madchester and is twinned with Stalingrad (during the battle) and Mogadishu. It is home to around 66,000 persons, all of them related to the same two people.
Wythenshawe (Olde English, Scrote) was founded in about 1845 (Olde English, Quarter to Seven) by a mixed group of Armenian Sheep rapists, Sand People and renegade Piss Distillers.
The group, by now referring to themselves as the Early Pioneers Man Dem, settled in a fertile clearing near to the modern day Saint Octavius The Twoccer of the Sacred Screwdriver High school on Firbank Road. Within a few hours of arriving, the EP Man Dem had destroyed all the trees, set fire to the grass and carved their initials into the remaining natural features, as they were "bored".
Due to an administrative oversight, all of the EP Man Dem were male and, despite valiant efforts and lots of Feltching, Tromboning, Dutch Sunglasses and ATM, no offspring were sired. The EP Man dem managed to survive for around 9 years, subsisting solely on Cheese, locally picked flangeberries and crabs eyes, before disease, chronic boredom and very sore bottoms started to kill them off.
In 1854 the last remaining member of the EP Man dem, Aleksander Tulakbayev set forth on a journey into uncharted territory to find a female. He took with him meagre provisions in the form of his likkle pipe, some of Da chronic and his 9mil, just in case any Playaz tried to light him up. Bukka Bukka!
On March the 6th of September 1854, Tulakbayev happened upon a settlement of people. Called "Ye Heald on Ye Greene", Tulakbayev was at first in awe of the sparkling technological achievements of these people. Standing proudly in the middle of the Greene was "Ye Hung wan" chippy. Entering, he ordered a fish supper, gave the staff some shit for "chatting back at him", waved his Tek around and threatened to "Smoke them" unless they gave him extra crispy bits, a can of Vimto and 'nuff respec. Thrown out via the window and told that he ever returned they'd chop his hands, like right off, Tulakbayev was disrespected and angry.
In retaliation he set off on a mission to rape and pillage the village. Boh! Tulakbayev spied a young and innocent female standing nearby. Using his bad boyz walk, he sidled over and started to act like a playa. Clearly impressed, the female agreed to accompany him back to the clearing, but only as long as he didn't try and slip her a cheeky digit on the first date, as she wasn't that kind of girl.
Once back at the clearing, the female (Donna) was up the duff within 32 seconds of arriving. Subsequently ostracized by her own family, Donna remained in the clearing with Tulakbayev and they sired a number of children. Everyone in Wythenshawe can trace their bloodlines back to this one set of parents.
The Battle of the Bulges
In contrast, the parents of Donna were livid and organised a village meeting. Deciding that "no little scumbag from over there" was going to steal their women, the villagers organised a raiding party. Armed with a variety of weapons from the fearsome 'Stick', to the frankly terrifying 'Shitty Shotty' (similar to 'The stick', but with a biological warfare attachment in the form of one of those white dog turds that you never see anymore, stuck on the end) and the subsequently banned by the Geneva convention, 'Broken Pool cue', the villagers marched on the clearing.
On arrival, Tulakbayev and Donna had sired another 176 children, all of them male and all of them born aged 18. In the subsequent battle, 96 villagers were killed, 104 injured and a further 76 taxed for their ipods and 'phones. In one particularly gruesome melee, a villager was repeatedly bombarded with captured 'Shitty Shottys' and, once the Biological agent had run out, he was forced to defacate onto the ground whereupon his assailants further attacked him with his own matter (The phrase Shit storm is derived from this incident).
The outcome of this battle was a resounding defeat for the villagers. Humiliated and severely depleted, the villagers returned to their own lands and, in order to disassociate themselves from their near neighbours, allied themselves with the upcoming Stopfordian clan. This simple act enabled them to rise two places in the Social top ten and they have forever looked down on the inhabitants of Wythenshawe. In the hours that followed the battle, the Wythenshawe-ites (as they had now renamed themselves) captured a great deal of land, increasing their territory from one smeggy little clearing to a whole host of bigger, smeggier clearings.
Following the defeat of the Villagers, the Wythenshawe-ites gained ground and began to procreate at a simply startling rate. As of today (June the 11th November 1976) Wythenshawe consists of the following 'hoods.
Hille de Benche
Consisting of 3 square miles of utter depravity and victorian filth, 'The Hill' is famous for it's friendless streets, glowering inhabitants and near pandemic Tracky-B wearing. Repeated Government initiatives to alleviative the social problems of wearing only shiny sportswear have failed. As a result, 'The Hill' has a higher proportion of branded sporting goods per head than anywhere else on earth. The predominant street gang is the BMD (Bum Meddling Dickheads).
The BMD are active in petty crime such as Curly Wurly theft, Knock a door run, Rat Bagging and Riding bicycles without lights during hours of darkness. The BMD have recently moved into Prostitution and Drug dealing. They have cornered the market in the supply of Class T drugs, namely Sudafed, Tixylix, Tunes, Locketts and Fishermen's friends (including Aniseed flavour). Street prices vary from around 16 pence per ton for Sudafed up to 18 pence per ton for Aniseed Fishermen's friends. As a result of their profiteering, the BMD have nearly saved enough for a set of lights for three member's BMX's.
Prostitution is also controlled by the BMD. New members to the gang are immediately pimped out by the older members. A strict rank structure ensures that gang members work their way up from full Bummery, via Hand offs, Mouth love, Crevice action and finally Pipe to Pipe Bushman. Once a member has completed all stages of the process he is then free to pimp out his subordinates.
A recent survey by the 'Keep Britan Violent' campaign listed the BMD as having access to the following weapons;
- 1 x Knife (butter for the uses of)
- 1 x Broken Pool cue (believed captured from enemy forces during The Battle of the Bulges)
- 9,800,457 rounds of 7.62mm Full Metal Jacket Ammunition.
The survey found that the BMD were reluctant to purchase a gun to fire the ammunition as this would eat into funds allocated for more BMX lights.
Gang membership currently stands at 46, 23 of which are the same person who applied twice by mistake.
A close neighbour and arch rival to Hille de Benche. Consisting of 5 square miles of a slightly better class of depravity and victorian filth, 'The green' is anything but. In 1986 the local council laid a large area of turf in order to brighten the atmosphere. However, within 17 minutes of the workers leaving, the grass had been ripped up and sold on as finest Moroccan black. In the subsequent High court inquiry it was established that members of the controlling street gang, the PGC (Poohall Green Crew) had misunderstood what kind of grass it was and had sold it on to punters at a massive profit. The inquiry also found that of the 976 victims, 300 died from soil poisoning, 570 had tried to make space cakes out of it and had vomited themselves to death, whilst another 100 had choked to death on clods of earth and grass. The remaining victims had caught fire and burned for days before being put out by helicopters carring buckets of stagnant cats piss.
As well as drug distribution the PGC also controls it's slice of the Sexybits industry. PGC members often combine the two in punter friendly deals. A typical deal would be an eighth of bush (usually Laburnum or Privet) and 5 minutes of Helmet grating, all for £3.50. Other deals can involve a combination of Oak or Horse chestnut reefers (the leaf is packed with freshly harvested Hawthorn leaves and then rolled into a large sausage) and 20 minutes of aimless tittage or mainlining grass seeds whilst indulging in unprotected backwards flanging action. Prices vary, see leaflet for details. E & OE apply.
PooHall Green shares the same social problems as it's neighbour, namely that of uncontrollable branded clothes wearing. The problem is particularly acute in areas bordering neighbouring 'hoods, where groups of feral youths spend hours posturing at each other in opposing brands. The PGC are currently top of the league, leading by 12 points over rivals Workhouse Park. PGC members wear brands such as Henley's and Rockport and a tense face off between opposing clans can see gang members perform up to 1250 vaguely menacing poses per night.
The PGC favours the use of go-peds for transport and have them serviced regularly at Threadgolds bike shop on Hollyhedge road. This can lead to tensions as Threadgolds is firmly within BMD territory. In scenes reminiscent of anything from Star Wars, massed groups of PGC Go-ped riders repeatedly try and outrun BMD members on BMXs. In that bit from Return of the Jedi where they are on Endor, BMD activists tie ropes across the road to knock their rivals off. The carnage can be appalling and as a result, the PGC is currently in negotiation with Threadgolds to increase the service intervals of their Go-peds from 500 yards to 6 years, mainly by the retro fitment of brass pottle vales, adjustable trumpets and stainless steel glib shafts.
The 'Keep Britain Violent' campaign listed the PGC has having access to the following weaponry;
- 6 x L7A2 General Purpose Machine Guns 7.62mm calibre.
- 4 x FN FAL 7.62mm Self Loading rifles.
- 1 x Shitty Shotty (believed captured from enemy forces at The Battle of The Bulges).
The survey found that the PGC were reluctant to purchase any ammunition as this would eat into funds allocated for Go-Ped servicing.
Gang membership currently stands at 52 with 25 of those currently unavailable for active duty due to homework commitments.
Workhouse Park shares borders with both PooHall Green and Hille de Benche and, as such, is twice as worse off for it. Named after a Victorian Workhouse that someone once read about, the inhabitants of this 'hood shun work in favour of fighting. Arguably the most violent of the Wythenshawe areas, it is home to several drinking venues, all of which guarantee a nights drinking to end with a free ride to hospital in an ambulance. The venue with the worst reputation is The Unlucky Talisman. One unfortunate drinker was hung, drawn and quarterly for merely breathing in at the wrong moment. Another visitor was set alight and then had the fire beaten out with his own severed head just for asking for a clean glass.
Workhouse Park encompasses the beating heart of Wythenshawe, The Civic Centre. The 'civic' is a large concrete shopping Mall with one, interconnected shop, spread over 5 acres. The shop, name B&M, sells low priced tat such as dangerous toys, dangerous fireworks, dangerous clothes and dangerous foodstuffs. All of these are imported from China where they are deemed to dangerous to sell. The 'civic' also sports a library, a swimming pool and a sports centre. The library has the distinction that no one has ever borrowed a book from it. The swimming pool was emptied for maintenance in 1989 and was never re-filled, being used instead to store Easter Eggs. Earlier the same year, a fortune teller foretold of a great Easter Egg shortage in the Wytheshawe area and as such, the local governing body bought up all the Easter Eggs in the UK at a cost of £19 billion. The Fortune teller was later exposed as a hoaxer working indirectly for Cadbury's.
Workhouse Park is controlled by the WHPC (Workhouse Park Clowns), a street gang active in extortion, drug distribution, robbery, extortion and robbery. Burglary and theft in more lucrative areas is also undertaken. The WHPC favour a small, brightly coloured noddy car as transport. This has doors that fall off every 5 yards, a chicken on a spring that comes out of the radiator and wheels that wobble on their axles. A small horn with a black bulb on the end that goes "Arrroooogah" when sounded completes the vehicle. The WHPC have been at war with the OPHM (Orange Peel Hall Magicians) for the past 20 years. This stems from a misunderstanding over a double booking at a child's birthday party. The war has seen upwards of 5,000 casualties and is deemed to be in the top 5 of secret wars (in Wythenshawe). The WHPC wear distinctive uniforms to set them apart from the other gangs. This consists of a white face, sad eyes, a red plastic nose and a bright orange perm. Their clothing must conform to gang standards, with new recruits judged on wideness of pocket, largeness of shoe and how much custard they can pour down their trousers.
Their criminal activities see the WHPC threatening to pour buckets of glitter over old ladies' heads, leading to small sums of money being extorted from them on a weekly basis. The gang is also active in robberies, the most notorious of which took place on 12th June 1990 at 'The Civic'. Whilst guards were loading a cash machine with new moon-nay, the gang pounced, hitting one victim repeatedly with custard pies whilst the other victim was subjected to a sustained attack by one of The Clowns carrying a ladder on his shoulder. The gang member viciously turned to his left and right, attempting to answer someone calling his name, hitting the guard on the back of the head each time. After being threatened with a flower that squirted water out of the middle, the gang leader's trousers fell down before the whole gang made off in their little noddy car, with all smoke pouring out the back. The Clowns escaped with a haul of approximately $1 trillion Zimbabwe dollars, estimated as between £1.75 and £2.00 in sterling.
The Clowns are also active in drug distribution and have fought a bitter war with the BMD over the supply of Anusol. The Clowns were eventually victorious after they intercepted a shipment of Anusol and exchanged it for 'Fiery Jack Deep Heat Rub'. The ensuing chaos saw thousands of drug users leaping around with their arses on fire after using the affected drugs. The BMD literally saw their arse over this debacle and surrendered control to the victorious Clowns. The lucrative trade in controlled pile ointments has seen the Clowns become rich on the profits of crime. Estimated as being at the top of the gang league (of gangs named The Workhouse Park Clowns), they have an estimated fortune of between £6 and £7 and can live a luxury lifestyle, eating a takeaway every other night.
The 'Keep Britan Violent' survey noted the following arsenal at the disposal of The clowns;
- 56 x Buckets of glitter
- 125 x Buckets of wallpaper paster (ready to pour)
- 12,000 x Custard pies (varying sizes)
- 10 x ladders
- 100 x water projectors (disguised as flowers)
Gang membership stands at 150, although up to 50% of this number can be carrying injuries sustained from tripping over their own massive shoes.
Orange Peel Hall
Situated just to one side of Workhouse Park and bordering on BMD territory, sits Orange Peel Hall. On wet days it glistens like a freshly laid dog turd. Covering approximately 2 square miles, the 'Hall has a number of houses within it's confines as well as a shop and a pub. Neither are open. Ever. Orange Peel Hall is named after a piece of discarded fruit skin in which a family of field mice led a lavish, Manor house lifestyle. Until they were trodden on and killed by members of the controlling street gang, the OPHM (Orange Peel Hall Magicians).
Bitter rivals of the Workhouse Park Clowns, the Magicians will stop at nothing to eliminate their foe. Over the past 20 years the Magicians have fought a secret war with the clowns. The war was so secret that it had been going for 15 years before the magicians found out about it.
The Magicians control drug distribution, betting, robbery and prostitution within their 'hood. Burglary and theft in more lucrative areas is also undertaken. Honour and the ability to make a boiled egg appear out of someone's ear hole are of the utmost importance to gang members. Like their arch enemy, the Clowns, the magicians conform to a strict gang dress code. Top hats, evening dress with white gloves and a magic wand are the favoured apparel of these hardened street warriors. Their criminal activites see the Magicians control the sale of class V drugs, namely Sinex, Bonjela mouth ulcer gel (Mmmmmm, new minty flavour!) and Otex Ear wax drops. When combined together, these three drugs provide the user with an endless high. Indeed, this has partially led to a drop in the gang's profits as most users only require one hit to be off their tits for the rest of their lives.
Betting scams take the form of gang members setting up illegal betting stalls and fleecing punters with the old "Which cup is the boiled egg under?" routine. Prostitution is a high earner for the gang with deviants travelling from far and wide to have full lady garden fun with a woman who is being sawn in half. Bottery, whilst tied to rotating disc and having knives thrown at the participants is a lucrative side line. Other deviant forms of pleasure can involve having a rabbit pulled out of an orifice of your choice and having an Elephant suddenly appear from behind a curtain at the point of climax. Both command high prices, but are rarely under subscribed.
Robbery has never been a lucrative enterprise for the Magicians. On the two occasions that they did attempt high value robberies, gang members were arrested by members of Grated Mancunia Polizi. On 1st January 1992 a robbery at a Top Hat shop went disastrously wrong for the gang when the magiced themselves into the Police canteen by mistake. Appearing in a puff of smoke, the words "Hand over the hats. This is a robbery!", led to an immediate and prolonged shoeing off the dibs who couldn't believe their luck. 9 gang members were arrested, receiving sentences of between 5 and 6 hours.
On 31st September 1993 the gang tried again, only to fail in spectacular fashion. A planned robbery on a white gloves wholesalers in downtown London again went wrong when the robbers appeared in a puff of smoke right in the dock of the Old Bailey. Again, a violent and drawn out shoeing session by the fuzzy muff saw gang leader "Timmy the invincible" jailed for 8 minutes.
The gang does not posses any weapons as they rely solely on magic to achieve their aims.
The main industry in Wythenshawe is crime. This has been successfully exported to all of the surrounding areas and is so efficient that up to 90% of law abiding citizens property can be within the boundary of Wythenshawe at anyone time. Main protagonists are The Clowns and The magicians who vie for control over the rest of the world. The situation has become so serious that land mines are planted on the exit roads from Wythenshawe, supported by heavy machine guns and high velocity cannon. Due to their prowess in stealing other people's things, capture is a rare occurrence. The Grated Mancunia Polizi's response to this epidemic is to employ more powerless support officers, who merely wander around in a daze wondering why they left their old jobs.
An official study was commissioned in 2006 into the future of Wythenshawe. The study concluded that if anyone ever wanted to successfully recreated the Battle of Stalingrad in 1942, all they had to do was wait for it to snow then go to Wythenshawe. Unfortunately, this offer was not followed up and Wythenshawe continues to be exactly like Stalingrad except without the snow. Except when it does snow and then it's EXACTLY like Stalingrad.
Wythenshawe has won a great many awards for its backward thinking and weak response to crime. In 1998 the area won the coveted "World's biggest shit hole award", narrowly beating the ruins of Chernobyl.
There are no famous people from Wythenshawe and no one famous ever goes there.
Entertainment in Wythenshawe can consist of the following;
- Punching a family member's head clean off their shoulders for not having your bloody tea ready woman!
- Smoking men
- Excessive Masturbation
Wythenshawe has received a prestigious art award. This was in 1996 when the area entered the 'Design a christmas card for the Queen' competition, hosted on TV's Blue Peter program. After a long search the winning entry was chosen, this being Wythenshawe's. The card showed a three legged dog shagging a four legged dog, in the snow, next to a burnt out Police van with the words "What the fuck you looking at?" underneath. The Queen was not amused. Although Prince Philip found it fucking hilarious. But then he is Greek.