Babel:US

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USA Front Page Story The penis is the primary functioning organ of a male human being, with the brain coming in a close second and the heart in a disappointing third. Penises, or penii, come in many shapes and sizes, all of which are useless to a man unless they are one specific shape and size. Genesis says that God removed Eve's penis and used it to create Adam. She never forgave Him, nor have her female descendants. The Lithuanians claim that the penis is named after Lithuanian President Sukis Penis, a depressed emo who invented the penis in 1832 as a form of population control. Before that, people reproduced asexually and were starting to exceed the available food supply. This occurred during the Industrial Revolution, so the penis was soon mass-produced, and man grew so dependent on it that asexual reproduction all but ceased. The British say the penis originated in the Pennines town of Penistone in South Yorkshire. (Full article...) Recently featured: UnPoetia:The Poop Sonnets Lawrencium Rule of Thumb Europan hookmouth Archive · Vote for featured articles · Did y'all know... *... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better? ... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you? ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better? ... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you? ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?	Dispatches from the Voice of America One simply cannot piss until he scans this. Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured) BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year Some mega pop star and her boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay. NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Hamas "peace talks" • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • SNL cast exodus • K-pop: The Movie • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Kids and pregnant moms trying to gain "super autism powers" by binging on Tylenol Recent deaths: Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3) • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger (in jail) • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Dallas Cowboys' and Cincinnati Bengals' seasons • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Kids and moms trying to gain autism powers from Tylenol America, the beautiful On this day in America... Yes kids - Brick walls can be fun. September 28: Commemoration of the Brick wall. 1200 - Roger Waters places first brick in The Wall. 1207 - The first brick wall crumbles. 491 years of darkness ensues. 1698 - Brick reinvented by Kevin Costner as a flotation device. Kevin decrees that any major milestone of the brick must henceforth occur on September 26. 1699 - Roger Waters put another brick in The Wall. 1704 - First 'stack of bricks' discovered at the bottom of Lake Superior, along with Ricki Lake. 1837 - Humpty Dumpty trades in brick wall for something a lot more stable. 1839 - Mister Angry Waters throw a lot of bricks in The Wall again and again. 1917 - Roger Waters puts another fuckin' brick in The Wall. 1923 - The Wailing Wall collapses after major flooding caused by millions of pilgrims. 1930 - Wall Street crashes due to mortar stocks going through the roof. 1989 - Berlin Wall breaks up after discovering their cover version of Canadian Idiot is not popular in America. 1997 - Prof. M. Brick invents the 'new' brick wall to commemorate the 299th anniversary of the brick. 1998 - Vin Diesel records a special commemorative cover of "Brick House", titled "Brick Shithouse". 1999 - WLCPs "Another Brick in the Eye" reaches number 72 in the Billboard Charts.
George Eastman's featured picture By popular demand, the National Pet Association has released a new guide for the best household chemicals to use for exploding your dog. Caveat Canem, indeed. Image credit: MoneySign View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images
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Great American heroes Holy cock! We may have forgotten to update these over these last few months. The days we missed could be counted as few as if at all. We have just updated this since last May. How awesome! So basically, let's get to business. Take off your pants; IFYMB! wins Writer of the Month for September 2014. His hit singles include the frankly libellous UnNews:Nude photos of celebrities leaked, the almost-topical UnDebate:What does the fox say? and the spiritually upliftingUnNews:Thursday is a dirty whore. Let us all clap for him because I said so. Do not pull your pants up just yet. We got a Uncyclopedian of the Month award winner up in here! Give it up for Leverage! Since there is no winner for the Noob of the Moment, you are all now noobs. There are a couple of long-running nominations, but they are stuck there, like foetuses in suspended animation, and I fear for their souls. Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Moment | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners Jesus! Only 2 days left to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month! Get voting!
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