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Falwellapedia has over 10,000 educational, clean, and concise entries, including exactly 66 canonical texts. There have been over 11,600,000 page views and over 172,000 page edits, including 171,699 reversions of heretical edits.
Jerry's Daily Sermon:
"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
Crossfire (17 May 1997)
Daily Historical Falwell Quote:
"Han, Han. If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice. I just can't make exceptions. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship? It's not good business."
On Han Solo's loss of Jerry the Hutt's illegal cargo (Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Special Conservative Edition, 1997)
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Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.
Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.
Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)
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 "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, resurrected hands." |
On this day...
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April 1: April Fools' Day
- 1926 - April Emily Fools is born to Herb and Emma Fools in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
- 1938 - At the age of twelve, Fools first shows an interest in baking when she helps her grandmother bake cookies.
- 1944 - Fools lands her first job, working at a tank tread manufacturing plant in downtown Milwaukee.
- 1949 - After a lengthy engagement, April marries Albert Cranston in Madison, Wisconsin.
- 1952 - Upon the suggestion of a friend, April begins a small baked goods business from her own kitchen.
- 1955 - April and Albert welcome their first child into the world: Richard Cranston, named after his paternal grandfather.
- 1957 - The Cranston family welcomes their second child, Judy.
- 1971 - April enjoys what she would later describe as "the rush of a lifetime" after appearing on a local television program instructing children how to bake brownies.
- 1978 - Albert and April become grandparents to Henry Cranston.
- 1994 - April Emily Fools-Cranston passes away in her hometown of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The Milwaukee Herald declares her birthday a national holiday.
- 2022 - In honor of April, Morbius is released, raking in morbillions at the box office and boosting her family's trust to guarantee the continued support of the April Fools Baking Institute for years to come.
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