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Jerry's Daily Sermon:
"Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them."
Crossfire (17 May 1997)
Daily Historical Falwell Quote:
"Han, Han. If only you hadn't had to dump that shipment of spice. I just can't make exceptions. Where would I be if every pilot who smuggled for me dumped their shipment at the first sign of an Imperial starship? It's not good business."
On Han Solo's loss of Jerry the Hutt's illegal cargo (Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Special Conservative Edition, 1997)
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Dick Willie Johnson: Hey there folks! Thank you for tuning in to the Presidential Wrestling Classic! As always I'm your host, Dick Willie Johnson, joined by my good friend and colleague, Bud "Lite" Bigmeat.
Bud: Yes, let me be the first to tell everyone that we have one hell of a show for y'all tonight. This is something truly special.
Dick: Folks, grab a cold beer and just enjoy the show tonight. No matter how old you are, grab a goddamn beer, crack that sumbitch open and get a little buzz going.
Bud: Goddamn right, Dick. I got me some Jack Daniels! My absolute favorite, as I'm sure you all know! (Full article...)
Featured today, a long long time ago
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 "You can have my gun when you pry it from my cold, resurrected hands." |
On this day...
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November 8: Erectional Pleasure Day
- 1000000 BC - On the plains of Africa, the Australopithecus encounters an eerie black monolith, and for the first time in history, stands erect. Moments later, with "Also sprach Zarathustra" blaring in the background, the Australopithecus realizes his hands are now free and begins to experiment with tool use. If you know what I mean.
- 1173 - The leaning tower of Pisa gives the first sign of its famous erectile dysfunction problem.
- 1653 - Taj Mahal, "Man's greatest erection for a woman" built in India.
- 1889 - Eiffel Tower erected, giving pleasure to all Parisians. Rioting ensues.
- 1901 - Washington Monument erected as a reminder to all American men that their penis is more important than diplomacy.
- 1995 - Bill Clinton calls Monica Lewinsky into the Oval Office. Lewinsky walks in and sees Clinton sitting in his chair, with his cock and balls hanging out of his pants. She digs it, and a two-year-long affair occurs between the two.
- 2016 - Donald Trump wins the 2016 presidential election, simultaneously making all Republican women across the country erect and making all Democrat women un-erect.
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