UnNews:Terrorists surrender to American might
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 May 2007
Baghdad, Iraq
Today in Baghdad, the long expected announcement of American victory was given as terrorists marched into Al-Araksa Square to lay down their weapons. "Honestly, we knew it was only a matter of time." said General Petraeus, commander of American forces in Iraq. "I mean, what? Did America think we were lying to them when we said victory was possible?"
President George W. Bush was equally jubilant about the victory, citing it as "a new step in the the defeat for terror. What I mean is, terror is being defeated."
Washington Democrats, however, were not jubilant about the news.
"Damnit, it's just not fair." said Democratic senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama. "I was SO looking forward to surrendering! I guess I'll just have to be satisfied with bowing to Kim Jong Il and licking the boots of Ahmadinejad."
Most Democrats were able to see past the immediate disaster with an eye towards the future.
"Listen, this victory is not the end for us." said head surrenderist Hillary Clinton in an address to key party leaders. "...we shall surrender on the beaches, we shall surrender on the landing grounds, we shall surrender in the fields and in the streets, we shall surrender in the hills; we shall never resist, and even if, which I do not for a moment believe, this Continent or a large part of it were victorious and confident, then the United Nations, armed and guarded by the the American military, would force us to surrender, until, in God's good time, the Islamic World, with all its power and might, steps forth to the conquest and subjugation of the free."
"On the other hand," Clinton continued "although we may have temporarily gotten on the wrong side of this 'war thing,' I am perfectly willing to accept credit for what I did to make victory happen. We certainly know George Bush had nothing to do with it." Clinton added "Until we can get all our friends, the French, the Chinese, and Russkies, and so on, we will just have to live with the situation until we can turn this thing around."
Back in Iraq, American forces celebrated the victory with cheers, sack races, egg-tossing, and indiscriminate gunfire. It was a demonstration of just how happy they are with the victory they've worked so hard for.
"Yeah, I was pretty psyched." said PFC Richard Hoover. "I mean, it was inevitable that I would be killed by the terrorists, who I wasn't sure would give up. It's not easy to win when those bastards have no hearts and minds."
The terrorists themselves were somewhat mixed in their opinions regarding the surrender. "On the one hand, I'm kind of glad we surrendered." said Achmed Al-Muktash, a member of a Sunni Militia. "This way I can open a pastry shop like I've always wanted, and I've been itching to get into a secular lifestyle, complete with moderate dialogue with my Shiite brothers. But on the other hand, I feel bad for my friends in the Iraqi Army. Without people to imprison, who will they sodomize?"
Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden, who refused to comment, was reportedly upset about the surrender. It is reported by sources inside the organization that he was so upset that he skipped Grey's Anatomy, and abstained from his usual glass of warm milk.
The degree to which American and Middle-Eastern politics will be affected is unclear, but the new deficiency in Arab terrorists has caused some remaining terror leaders to search elsewhere. "We're looking into Latinos." said terror leader Muhammed Al-Chingar. "I mean, Americans don't make eye-contact already, so they'll never even notice if they're up to something!"
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Steve McCorison "Koran, Quran, Q'ran...how exactly is it spelled?" New York Times, May 09, 2008