Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad, seen here employing the oldest trick in the Evil Geniuses' Handbook – the peek-a-boo – to escape the UN's wrath

Mahmoud "I Wanna Jihad" Ahmadinejihad (born 28 October 1956) was the sixth president of The Islamic Republic of Iran. He was famed for his passionate yet balanced speeches of the existence of the Holocaust, the cases for and against the State of Israel and his fluency in English and French languages. It is because of this charisma that he is famous for a highly successful post-retirement career on the after dinner speaking circuit. He's been awarded a Noble Prize in peace for advocating stoning of adulterers, amputation of limbs, beheading converts and atheists in order to please Allah.

He has courted controversy in recent times and is a continuing source of tension between the West and Iran. It is believed this tension can all be traced back to confusion surrounding how to pronounce his name.

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Jizzlam
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(pronunciation)
Mutaween
Talibanland

The Homeland
Afghani Idol
Jihad Jane
Jihad My Ride
Mecca Vice
Moohammed's facemask

The Jews have a profound love for Mr. Ahmadinejihad.

Early life

Ahmadinejihad was born in the small city of Garmsar, near Tehran, on October 28, 1956. At the age of 20 he took Iran's national university entrance exams to get into university. His test score ranked him 132,000th among more than 400,000 participants that year, which, as well as gaining him entrance into university as an undergraduate of civil engineering, enabled him to add "genius" after "evil" on his CV.

After the revolution, he entered the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for the civil unrest program in 1984. In 1997 he received his PhD in urban planning, where he learned how pathetic humanity really is. Without a doubt the most sinister PhD around. He also enjoys dancing and looking into the eyes of mortals.

Career

Political activity

CIA sources describe the evidence as "inconclusive".

As a student during the Iranian Revolution, Ahmadinejihad became very politicised, this is mainly due to the fierce political and social issues introduced through the study of bridge construction and irrigation in his civil engineering undergraduacy.

He was heavily involved in the gay pride revolution and was a founding member of the student union that took over the US embassy in Tehran in 1979. He denies being one of the hostage-takers, despite some incriminating images and several hostage's testimonies that point to the opposite. Experts on the matter concur that "he does look a bit shifty, doesn't he?"

Mayorship

After a four-year term as baseball commissioner and Provincial Governor, Ahmadinejihad was appointed Mayor of Los Angeles by the City Council of Fraggle Rock, who themselves were elected on a highly democratic twelve percent turnout.

Ahmadinejihad followed a theocratic style of Mayorship, with the reforms of previous mayors being changed to emphasize religious activities more. These changes included the separation of elevators for men and women in the buildings of Tehran. Thus preventing Iran's one true fear being realized: the elevators of Tehran descending into vertically moving steel boxes of lust, sin and orgy. Y'know, like those evil Western ones you're always hearing about.

He apparently also did some other stuff like distributing free soup to the poor, but that isn't nearly evil enough to be mentioned, and as far as sources show the soup was entirely poison free. Must have been an off day when he signed that particular bill.

Presidency

Ahmadinejihad uses the internet: Answering "no" results in ... let's say, a rough couple nights.

Ahmadinejihad appeared on Dancing With the Stars promoting mainly populist policies, with his website going so far as to describe himself as "A friend of the people". It is believed that this is connected to the ancient Persian maxim: "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer (for the benefit of your secret police force)."

Ahmadinejihad's promises worked and he was elected as Grand Poobah with sixty-two percent of the vote. Ahmadinejihad did not win without controversy though. The loser of the ballot alleged that a network of mosques and the Islamic Revolutionary Guards had been illegally helping Ahmadinejihad. The ex-Revolutionary Guard, religious Conservative and friend of many an Ayatollah denied all. The loser was later found beheaded wearing a diaper.

Ahmadinejihad's presidency has been illuminated by controversy and this hasn't escaped him domestically. His most controversial domestic decision was allowing females into stadia to watch men play sports. This provoked en masse late night beard-stroking-and-angry-muttering sessions amongst the Islamic cleric of Iran. Ignoring fears that the stadiums of Iran would erupt into huge, pulsing, swelling rings of sin (y'know, like those evil Western ones you're always hearing about), Ahmadinejihad pressed ahead with his plans. Unfortunately for Ahmadinejihad, his immoral plans for sexual equality in stadia were dashed by Iran's Supreme Leader Ali "Cuddles" Khamenei, who reversed the decision.

International controversy

Ahmadinejihad attempting to influence US government policy

Ahmadinejihad's main mode of transport

Ahmadinejihad has courted the most controversy on the international scene. His bubbly personality and happy-go-lucky nature have often earned him a "tap on the wrist" and an angry letter from the UN.

Comments on Israel

One of his most famous opinions relates to the cases ~~for and~~ against The State of Israel. His comments describing Israel as an "occupying regime" that had to be removed, referring to it as a "disgraceful stain [on] the Islamic world" that must be "wiped off the map". These comments sparked mass outrage amongst the cast of Sesame Street and the nations of the world and caused many UN officials to wake up for the first time since the Iraq War and open up the 'Angry Letter Template' on Word.

To counter this Ahmadinejihad claims that his comments were actually mistranslated. He says he merely said Israel should be "eliminated" or "wiped off" or "wiped away" from "the page of time" or "the pages of history", which sounds much better.

Surprisingly the flag of Iran was not visibly burned in any Western nation nor were effigies of Ahmadinejihad burned outside Iranian embassies. The Iranian flag and effigy making industries mourned.

Views on the Holocaust

Ahmadinejihad has frequently described the Holocaust as a myth, even going so far as requesting and hosting the desperately attention seeking "International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust": a deadly serious gathering of Nazis neo and old, Ku Klux Klan members, American Bible Belt Governors, and old people from the 1930s who were "brought up that way".

Again Ahmadinejihad's actions provoked controversy but Iran maintained that it was not a "Holocaust denial conference" throughout, rather "a conference to deny the Holocaust".

The nuclear question

Ahmadinejihad signals how many nuclear bombs Iran has so far.

“How long do you think I can I fob off the international community that my nuclear program is peaceful?”
~ Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad

Ahmadinejihad has infuriated the ~~international community~~ West recently with his policies on Iran's nuclear program. Iran's pursuit of nuclear power particularly annoyed President George W. Bush, who repeatedly asked for UN sanctions on pizza delivery to be placed on the country. Bush believed that Ahmadinejihad and Iran should have to listen to the UN and be forced to stop their actions, just like Bush was with the Iraq War ... er ... and if the UN demands are not met, then Ahmadinejihad and his regime should be punished, just like Bush was after the Iraq War{{SP... er ...

Despite the West's demands Ahmadinejihad has plowed ahead with urine enrichment; ordering parrots placed by the UN at some of its research plants to be removed and continuing the Russian-aided development of Iran's first atomic power station. In 2006 he went so far as to claim that Iran had succeeded in enriching chocolate. It was at this point that Ahmadinejihad found he could no longer open his front door due the humongous amount of angry UN letters on the other side.

The Iranian president still insists Iran is not developing a nuclear bomb, and that all nuclear activity is producing energy for the country which sits upon the worlds second-largest flatulence reserve.

As an extra note, Ahmadinejihad says a nation that has "culture, logic and civilization" would not need nuclear weapons. How "culture, logic and civilization" aims to blow the Israeli bunker-buster delivering jets out of the sky when the Israelis launch Operation Richard Simmons is yet to be seen.

The Iraqi insurgency

CIA sources describe the evidence as "inconclusive".

In recent times Iran has been accused of funding and arming part of the insurgency in Iraq by the US. Iranian RPGs, AK47s and specialized throwing rocks, as well as the odd Iranian armored column, have been found in the eastern (Shia) half of Iraq.

As well as the armaments found, funding from Iranians has also been detected. A recent raid in Basra uncovered a top-secret trail of two-by-fours, over which money from Iranian benefactors was being smuggled into Iraq by wheelbarrow. Like the Ho Chi Minh trail, except more D.I.Y.

Mahmoud "I-Wanna-Jihad" Ahmadinejihad on the critically acclaimed Jihad My Ride

Ahmadinejihad is also directly connected with the arming and funding of the insurgency, with the leader appearing on al-Jazeera Jihadding people's rides, whether these rides are used in the 'hoods of Iraq is uncertain.

Iranian officials have stated that the very idea of the eastern (Shia) half of Iraq fighting coalition troops in an attempt to divide the country "is preposterous".

British sailors

Lately Ahmadinejihad has attracted more controversy than a spandex Burka. This stems from his recent attempt to advertise tourism in Iran by giving several British sailors a ~~forced~~ tour of the ~~cell blocks~~ countryside of Iran.

The British sailors were seen on Iranian television eating the traditional Iranian dish of fish and chips and being interviewed in ~~interrogation room like~~ diary room type locations. The British television network Channel 4 reacted by threatening to sue Ahmadinejihad for stealing their Big Brother concept. Despite this Channel 4 producers are currently signing the sailors up for next year's Celebrity Big Brother. Whether they choose to include the black headbags, electrical cables and mock-executions in their version is yet to be seen; bookies are hedging their bets.

Post-political life

Using his fierce love of providing ample social commentary on the Holocaust and Israel, following his loss of the presidency in 2013 he authored two wildly successful books on the issues. Although controversial, they can be found in the junior fiction of most book stores. Ahmadinejihad is quoted to have said: "The necessity for children to learn from a young age the difference between facts like Allah, Iran's nuclear program and the evils of the west, as opposed to what is fake such as Santa Claus, the Holocaust and Israeli legitimacy, is far too important to ignore."

The many moods of Mahmoud Ahmadinejihad

Mahmoud is known for his ever-changing personalities, each one lovable in their own special way. Here are some of his more well-known public persona's: