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From today's featured article

[The Teletubbies are eating their custard breakfast]

LAA-LAA: How many pounds of custard are we talkin' here?

DIPSY: We're talking, like... at least 500 pounds of custard in that vault.

TINKY WINKY: No shit? That's a whole lot of fuckin' custard. That would do wonders for our business, man.

PO: You guys remember that motherfucker, Noo-Noo? Little vacuum thing? Baby Sun told me he's already got information regarding the joint.

TINKY WINKY: Noo-Noo? We worked with him once and I nearly fuckin' died cause of it, remember? His goddamn battery started overheating and he almost exploded! How can we be sure he's reliable for a job as big as this?

(Full article...)

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In the news

Ship captain who wrecked Baltimore bridge defeated by Upstate New York bridge (Pictured)
NFL imposes speed limit and bans trick plays
Forecast calls for a leapin' Lousy Smarch weather
Larry David gets Hinkled by Anti-Israel Protesters
Taylor Swift's favorite NFL team wins rigged Super Bowl, big whoop
Elon Musk plants brain chip into first human guinea pig
Climate activists ruin Jackson Pollock painting, no one notices
Stalemate in Ukraine: Zelenskyy flees for greener pastures
Steamboat Willie enters public domain, several Mickey Mouse horror films and games announced
Santa's Elves on strike
UnNews finally able to write obituaries for Shaft, Bull and Chandler
Will Barbenheimer beat JigSaw in his own game?

Ongoing: Russian Invasion · ABBA
Recent deaths: Akira Toriyama · M. Emmet Walsh · Louis Gossett Jr. · Hype around the eclipse · O. J. Simpson
Upcoming deaths: Kris Kristofferson · Jimmy Carter · Vladimir Putin · The U.S. Federal Budget · Richard Simmons · Kate Middleton · Market demand for White Broncos · God's curse on the Buffalo Bills (..maybe)

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Did you know

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

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On this day

April 24: Regretting Eating Those Novelty Chocolate Easter Bunnies Day (U.S.)

∞ BC - Time begins, to the disappointment of trillions.
1353 - Badger maulings reach record levels in Europe.
1704 - The first regular newspaper is published in America: The Boston New-Letter, containing overly-opinionated columns and hyped-up headlines. Circulation soars.
1856 - The word chairman is introduced to the Oxford English Dictionary as "A person with a proclivity to stand sitting."
1862 - The American Civil War on spelling begins, the letter 'u' in 'color' being the first victim.
1995 - The most amazing child on earth was born, sadly, he was born in Croatia.
2005 - George W. Bush declares, "America is officially full," all immigrants rerouted to Nunavut.