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From today's featured article

Are you the kind of person who is interested in telling other people what to do? Easily swayed by religious texts? Have an itchy trigger finger and a fondness for big red buttons? Do you have a pulse? If you answered yes to any of these questions then you might be the kind of person who'd enjoy being President of the United States! It's true, just about anybody can be President. The guy pictured on the right is no more qualified than your milkman or some random guy on the street, yet he made it to President and is having the time of his life. That could be you! Becoming President will not be easy though, so this handy guide is here to help you every step of the way. (Full article...)

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In the news

Clearly not Deion Sanders vouching for his son

PBS and NPR to lose funding
Spain and Portugal experience a country-wide blackout
Sportswriter Leon Sandcastle gives his two cents on NFL draftee Shedeur Sanders's draft slide (Pictured)
Trump believes that 200 countries negotiated trade deals with him
Man delivers profound philosophical speech about elephants during his sojourn at the zoo
Upcoming South Park season will be Canadian
World shocked as Pope Francis kicks bucket (This is not a drill!)
- Chris Rock will succeed him in new comedy Head of Church
Trump Administration prepares to deport everybody except Native Americans
New Easter Bunny is a fascist
4chan hacked, nobody cares
Vatican commits simony
YouTube child educator Ms. Rachel detained and deported by ICE

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, and Deltarune • Eurovision • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • SWAT teams on guard for the "chicken jockey" scene of A Minecraft Movie • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Jay North • SPOILER: Joel • Pope Francis • Shedeur Sanders' career, before it even started • Lar Park Linkin • Gawr Gura • Toxicity • Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run

Upcoming deaths: U.S. and Global economy • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's chance at freedom

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Did you know

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?

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On this day

May 4: "May the Schwartz Be With You" Day

1904 - USA begins first efforts to curb illegal immigration with groundbreaking of Panama Canal, separating North and South America.
1953 - Ernest Hemingway awarded the Pulitzer Prize for his maritime opus, Shark Tale.
1960 - John Prescott wins the first of many pie eating contests.
1961 - Martin Luther King has a dream about going to school naked.
1978 - First recorded use of totally lame Star Wars May 4th pun by 8-year old girl. Parents cry, bullies begin to encircle.
1980 - Ronald Reagan loses in a winner-take all paintball tournament sponsored by Jodie Foster.
2004 - First annual Nigerian Email Writers Convention held.
2005 - The entire country of Portugal secedes and moves to Canada.