UnNews:Qatar buys the papacy
Sunday, April 13, 2025
The Vatican surprised the world with the announcement that it had sold a controlling interest in the conclave, which will likely elect the new pontiff within the next couple of years, to the emirate of Qatar. A Qatari spokesperson told UnNews, on condition of anonymity, that the Qingdom was proud to be the new majority shareholder in an organisation with which it had so much in common. It particularly praised the efforts of the church in keeping the poor poor and fighting transparency. Both parties agreed that abortion and democracy are today's great evils. The Vatican released a press statement which read as follows:
| “ | We are delighted to partner with Qatar to offer Catholics all over the world a bright future, full of pious poverty and tightly controlled access to the truth and birth control. In particular we welcome the commitment of the new Qatari owners to start sponsoring our own Catholic terrorist organisations, such as Opus Dei, the Jesuits and Mother Teresa's academic trust. Furthermore we are delighted to announce that henceforth the church has entered into an exclusive deal with the Qatari |
” |
— Cardinal Jejomar "Bing Dong" Binay, on Qatar
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Sources familiar with the topic revealed that the cost of the equity share in the conclave is roughly equivalent to three FIFA World Cups, or 312 members of the European parliament adjusted for inflation. Experts expect this major investment to have emptied almost the entire QIA 2025 bribe budget and warn that Qatar Airways and Hamad airport may not be in any Top 10s this year. Skytrax shares cratered on hearing the announcement [1].
The front runner for the position of chief executive of the catholic church, colloquially known as pope, is currently believed to be his eminence Saad Sherida Al Kaabi, the benevolent autocrat who so successfully convinced the world that Qatar has a lot of gas, which it qools to keep the world qool. Mr Al Kaabi is believed to have been made a cardinal, which is a requirement to succeed to the position, as part of the terms negotiated with Italian greenwashing firm ENI for qooled gas in 2022.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Mohammed Al Thani "QIA makes investment in religion to improve world peace" Al Jazeera, April 13th, 2025