UnNews:Easter Bunny embraces fascism

Irontail honoring the sacred holiday with a Roman salute.

Sunday, April 20, 2025

APRIL VALLEY -- Things are not looking so bright and gay this Easter, with the inauguration of newly appointed Chief Easter Bunny January Q. Irontail.

Originally, the new Chief Easter Bunny was expected to be Peter Cottontail upon the retirement of Colonel Wellington B. Bunny. However, Irontail challenged him for the position with a contest based on who could deliver the most eggs. The contest should've been a piece of a carrot cake, but instead served as Irontail's springboard to power. In a shocking upset that will be debated by political analysts for generations, ol' Irontail won. It seems Peter was the bunny that overslept, while Irontail managed to deliver exactly one egg to a napping citizen, making him the winner by default. The indubitable lesson: Don't sleep on politics.

While the contest and its outcome are entirely fair within the rules of the April Valley constitution, conspiracy theories afloat about Irontail engaging in fowl play. Irontail has denied accusations of interference, instead going on the offense against Cottontail, accusing him of being a habitual fibber. Though not the most pleasant or likeable rabbit, Irontail has managed to culminate a legion of cult followers ready to cling to his every word and carry out his will, eponymously known as QAnon.

When asked in an interview his motivations for seeking the office of Chief Easter Bunny, Irontail insisted that his plan was to make Easter egg-travagant again and definitely didn't pursue this position of power as a revenge plot. Upon ascending to power, Irontail promised to "break a few eggs" by drastically restructuring the way the government does business. The following policies, presented with commentary, are laid out in the transitional commission known as Project 04-20:

Every tulip that needs tending will get a proper bending, and jellybeans will rot upon their heaps. Flowers and candy have been outsourced to other holidays for far too long. In order to bring back factory jobs, foreign candy must rot, and all existing Easter goodies are to be made undesirable. This lowers demand for goodies, allowing ease of building supply infrastructure back at home. It's a school of economic thought endorsed by anyone who believes in the Easter Bunny. All the hens who are expecting will get no more protecting. The Supreme Court of April Valley has struck down protections for pregnant hens; all chickens now must defend for themselves rather than relying on the nanny state. This decision is being praised by Fox News, the news network for foxes. All Easter eggs shall be colored the shade of mud and new concrete. Brightly colored eggs will be deemed woke indoctrination, being gay in every sense of the word. Mud and concrete colors represent rugged masculinity. However, with the aforementioned protections of hens being lifted, egg-conomists predict an egg scarcity is over the horizon. In which case, the administration will skip the middlehen and simply give out rocks and hardened mud clods to children. Instead of chocolate bunnies and chicks, candy sculptors are commissioned to make tarantulas and octopuses. This is least controversial of these policies. Kids tend to find spiders and octopuses cool. And they don't even really give a crap what the animal is long as they're getting chocolate. (They're in for a real treat if cutbacks force them to eat their mud clods in lieu of chocolate.) The real focus of attention on the sculpture industry is fears of candy sculptors having their jobs replaces by artificial intelligence. The end to Easter bonnets; from now on, there will only be Easter galoshes. The administration once again showing its prejudice against women, replacing beautiful bonnets with jackboots. Although polls show this policy is actually embraced the world over by mothers, who appreciate not having to buy their kids new shoes. As the saying goes, even a broken clock caused by the rooster having his mouth full of sticky bubble gum is right twice a day.

With these radical policies being enacted without any legal precedent to stop this motion, our beloved holiday looks to be hopping down the bunny trail to fascism. Dark Spring days are ahead, with little hope in sight for bouncing back. While all of this is going down, every bunny is asking themselves: Where is Peter Cottontail? Most believe he's completely opted out in frustration and is just going to let April Valley burn. Others speculate that he's buying his time and coming up with a plan. Cottontail still has a chance to defeat Irontail and become the Chief Easter bunny, assuming if he can get a hold of a time machine. Alternatively, he can always take the easier option and simply deliver at least two eggs between now and next Easter. Both of these solutions are apparently constitutionally permissible. They're very strange loopholes, but this is to be expected since the Founding Bunnies were baked out of their minds on green grass when they wrote it.

Sources

• Vincent Price "The Easter Bunny Always Sleeps" Rankin/Bass Productions, 4/20
• Arthur Rankin Jr, Jules Bass "Here Comes Peter Cottontail" Rankin/Bass Productions, April 4, 1971