UnNews:That chocolate Easter egg was terrible

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4 April 2010

A nice Cadbury, like the ones from my childhood. My egg was nothing like this.

MY YARD -- I woke up and got out of bed this Easter morning, and, of course, it felt like just another day. It's true what they say about growing older: The holidays slowly lose all their magic with the rest of the world. So, anyway, I went to the kitchen to get that cup of coffee that helps me cope this crazy journey we call living, but something caught my eye from out the window. I went outside, and what did I see, but a small, chocolate Easter egg! Suddenly, it was like the magic in the world had returned. Truth be told, I stopped believing in the Easter Bunny years ago. (I can't remember if I was 34 or 35.) Yet here I was finding out this mythical creature exists after all! I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.

Speaking of wrapping, this egg didn't have any around it. Regardless, I bit into it with gratitude, and waited for that nice creamy sensation. Unfortunately, like most things in life, there was a degree of disappointment. There wasn't any cream inside, but pure chocolate to the core. Now, my mother didn't raise me to be spoiled. I wouldn't have minded this relatively insignificant detail if the egg didn't taste really nasty.

I'm not kidding. That had to be the worst goddamn chocolate I've ever eaten. I didn't know chocolate could rot until I ate that egg. Granted, I haven't had a chocolate Easter egg since I was a kid, so chances are they make them differently these days. No wonder more parents are raising their children to be atheists. At least it had a peanut in it, thus confirming my view that there's always an upside to everything. I fuckin' love peanuts! Unfortunately, that little peanut couldn't make up for the awful chocolate.

Beside this huge flaw, there were other minor imperfections. For one thing, this egg had obviously been out in the warm air for awhile, since it was pretty soft and mushy. I realize the Easter Bunny shouldn't be held responsible for the temperature, but what really pissed me off was that it wasn't even shaped correctly. Instead of being nice and round, it was very lumpy. I suppose rabbits have a hard time molding these things, but c'mon, this was just pathetic.

To recap: A chocolate egg left outside with no wrapping, no cream, God-awful tasting chocolate, mushy, oddly shaped, and one peanut. Boy, that bunny sure left me a peculiar treat!

Wait a second...

Oh God. My neighbor crapped in my yard again.

Honestly, I think I would've been better off eating that.