UnNews:American citizens scramble to figure out which country they came from

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17:11, 20 April 2025 (UTC)

UNITED STATES, NORTH AMERICA: Due to an obscure executive order[1] (one of among thousands signed by President Donald Trump on January 20th) and a relentless wave of media-driven fearmongering, American citizens everywhere are desperately trying to come to grips with the previously unfathomable notion of being deported to countries they never heard of for no goddamn reason whatsoever.

"When did I ever come straggling over the Rio Grande?" a terrified Eugene K. Whithencromby Jr.[2] of 154 Maplewood Way in Allantown, PA 09987, told us. "I must have been too young to remember! Even my Philadelphia-issued birth certificate doesn't say!" Since every prospective deportee must accurately identify which foreign country the Trump Administration has secretly picked for them, getting it wrong the first (and only) time carries the additional penalty of being charged with immigration fraud and summarily shipped off to El Salvador's notorious CECOT prison by default.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing every day from reputable left-wing sources," says a fearful Angelica Ruthenginsberg[3] of 117-B Crescent Boulevard in Springfield, OK 87101. "My great grandmother arrived to this great land of ours on a trans-Pacific steamship and would go on and on and on about passing her citizenship test with flying colors and her daily struggles with assimilating into American culture right up to the moment of her passing away. My God, she would never shut up! But I can't for the life of me recall what country she said she came from, or even if she ever bothered to mentioned it. Looks like I'm royally screwed now!" Angelica is one of among millions of alleged US citizens that lack documentation of their forebears unto the third and fourth generation, as Trump's order and the Bible explicitly require.[4]

Unlike the Bible, the Constitution of the United States was written to protect ignorant people, such as Eugene and Angelica, from jumping to unwarranted conclusions. The 4th Amendment (protecting against "unreasonable"[5] searches and seizures), the 5th Amendment (protecting the rights of the accused to drag out the legal process for years on end), the 6th Amendment (protecting the rights of the accused to a speedy trial), the 7th Amendment (triggered when the retail price of eggs exceed $20 per dozen), the 8th Amendment (protecting the accused from the ravages of inflation on the costs of getting bailed out), the 9th Amendment (protecting the rights of people nobody ever knew even existed), the 11th Amendment (preventing just any random yahoo from suing California), the 13th Amendment (protecting illegal immigrants from being exploited for their dirt-cheap labor), the 14th Amendment (preventing Republicans from enacting Jim Crow 2.0 laws), the 16th Amendment (the right to file your own income tax returns as if the IRS implicitly trusted you), the 18th Amendment (the right to not being run over by a drunken driver), the 21st Amendment (the right to drink yourself blind), the 22nd Amendment (the right to not having to suffer under a 3rd term by the same president), the 23rd Amendment (the right to vote for president regardless of dangerous proximity to the White House), the 24th Amendment (the right to not having to compensate poll workers for their courageous efforts), and the 28th Amendment (the right to declare what is in the Constitution just because you want it to be) serve as the vanguard of freedom for good Americans so that evil Americans will never get their way ever again. Failing all that, there's always the 2nd Amendment.

Despite a relentless legal battle being waged in Federal courts by Federal judges fighting against the illegalization of illegal immigration, Trump's golf scores remain largely unaffected. "I WAS WHOPPINGLY ELECTED TO MAKE MAGA GREAT AGAIN!", Trump posted on X in all-caps early this morning for the nth time running, but this time accompanied by a doctored photo of George Washington Carver[6] crossing the Delaware.


References[edit | edit source]

  1. ↑ EO# 14999: "Saving America by Redefining What It Means to Be an American"
  2. ↑ Not his real name, of course. UnNews reporters are sworn to protect the identity of innocent people until they are proven to be guilty.
  3. ↑ Not her real name, of course. UnNews reporters are sworn to protect the identity of guilty people until they are proven to be innocent.
  4. ↑ Exodus 34:7
  5. ↑ Needless to say, what constitutes "unreasonable" is highly subjective, just like pornography.
  6. ↑ UnNews believes the photograph in question to be doctored because George Washington Carver's tattoo supposedly depicting Mr. Peanut on his left buttock predates the founding of the Planters Corporation by at least 15 years.

Sources[edit | edit source]

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