- 17 December 2023
SNL did an ABBA Christmas sketch tonight. Bowen Yang played Benny, Kate McKinnon was Agnetha, and cameo former cast member Kristen Wiig was Frida. We don't know why the knulla Maya Rudolph (also a former cast member returning in a cameo) played Bjorn, but we don't really give a skit, as long as our precious ABBA graces American television screens.
- 31 August 2023
Agnetha has released her first solo song in 10 years, "Where Do We Go From Here?" The album itself is merely a remix of her 2013 solo album, A. It is entitled A+.
- 6 June 2023
Happy National Day of Sweden. I shall celebrate this year's holiday, as always, with the music of ABBA. Also, I wanted to state for the ABBA record that Sweden did not declare sex a sport, though the music of ABBA sure is fun to khulla to, if I do say so myself.
- 4 June 2023
Benny and Bjorn have dismissed the idea that ABBA will reunite at next year's Eurovision, which will mark 50 years since they won with "Waterloo."
- 14 May 2023
Egads! We won Eurovision! But that's not all. Perhaps you saw Bjorn deliver a special message via video during last night's finale. Not only that, but legendary Queen drummer Roger Taylor appeared with "Spaceman" fellow Sam Ryder for his new song "Mountain."
- 22 November 2022
You probably missed my S.O.S., but I didn't get around to posting this bit of news. ABBA is nominated for a Grammy. Sweden's favorite sons and daughters are up for Album of the Year, Pop Vocal for a Group, and Record of the Year.
- 13 May 2022
Bjorn's Honey is coming to the U.S. state of Colorado. Curiously, it has nothing to do with ABBA, Bjorn Ulvaeus or the song "Honey, Honey." Vad fan?
- 7 April 2022
Kelly Clarkson covered "Dancing Queen" on her daytime talk show as part of Kellyoke. Beautiful rendition, but could have used more bell bottoms and beards.
- 4 April 2022
At the Grammys, ABBA's "I Still Have Faith in You" lost Record of the Year to Silk Sonic's "Leave the Door Open." Seriously??? That song is nice, but isn't ABBA enough for my tastes.
- 2 September 2021
After a 40-year break, ABBA is officially reuniting for a new album and virtual tour, both called Voyage. You owe us 40 years worth of therapy, you heartless bastards! We're so glad you're back! How Swede it is!
- 2 December 1982
Swedish pop superstars ABBA have announced that they have disbanded. OH GOD, WHY???? WHY???? DEAR GOD, WHY????
- 13 February 2024
I don't know where I was (perhaps on Mars with Doctor Manhattan,) but I just learned that Silk Specter herself, Sweden's own, actress Malin Akerman, will be co-hosting Eurovision this year in our beloved Sweden alongside Petra Mede. Note to Americans: It is pronounced PAY-truh MAY-deh. And Akerman's name is pronounced MAH-lin ACK-er-muhn. Are we bra? Låt oss lämna det där.
- 29 January 2024
99 days to Eurovision 2024: Sweden and Finland are still pretty much against Israel taking part in the Eurovision, for attempting to eliminate a terrorist organization who did a genocide against Jews last October. On the 7th of that month, known in Israel as Black Sabbath, a genocide happened in which 1,145 (mostly) Jews were murdered, 3,400 wounded, and 253 kidnapped including Kfir Bibas, a 9-month-old Jewish infant who is hopefully still alive and 1-year-old and waiting for the Israeli army to save him, and not listen to a bunch of Greta fans from Scandinavia.
In terms of purely Eurovision, it looks kind of good from Israeli eyes, as both Sweden and Finland seem to be on the verge of being kicked out of the 2024 contest themselves, or rather, kicking themselves out. Which means that Israel, which has finished 3rd in Eurovision 2023 after Sweden & Finland, would get to host the contest in 2024 instead of Sweden. This is pure Eurovision law.
And hopefully nothing happens to the Finnish race when Putin hears that they are banned from Europe. Good luck with that.
- 11 December 2023
148 days to Eurovision 2024 in Sweden: Norway, Sweden and The Netherlands have raised questions about Israel's right to participate next year, as a country who is currently at war. The EBU's response was that there is no problem with the eligibility of Israel’s broadcaster, Kan (pronounced Cannes but no relation). Israel also currently leads the odds table for winning the contest, even though only one country so far, France, have released their official entry.
Norway, Sweden and The Netherlands are worried about the high number of civilian casualties on the Palestinian side, which is usually supplied by the Palestinian Health Ministry. Giving the fact that the Palestinians have 2 different Health Ministries, 2 governments, 2 ruling parties, Et cetera Et cetera, and one of each is controlled by a terrorist organization who are using their 50,000 hospitals as terrorist headquarters, I wouldn't take those numbers very seriously. It's like taking Putin's word that Ukrainians are Nazis.
Russia, Belarus and Hungary will be absent from Eurovision 2024 for being total assholes, while the lovely Luxembourg will return after 31 years. Israel still has strong support within the liberal and open-minded Eurovision community, which is shocked by the horrible massacre of 11/7. Yes, the Israel Massacre is named after a mini-market. But that doesn't mean that you always must buy anything related to it.
And UnNews would love another anti-Putin piece like Croatia from last year, or Ukraine from the last 20 years.
- 13 May 2023
Sweden wins Eurovision 2023, with Loreen's "Tattoo", her second Eurovision victory in 11 years. The audience favorites Finland finished second. Germany and United Kingdom performed very well but finished last again. At least 19 performers from different countries have performed in their underpants.
Israel finished third for the second time ever, with lovely Noa Kirel showing all the world why she's Israel's Christina Aguilera.
And the correct lyrics to "Unicorn" are:
- I'm gonna stand here like Ukrainian
- Out here on my own
- I got the power of Ukrainian
- Don't you ever learn?
- That I won't look back, I won't look down
- Gator psychopath, you better turn around
- The power of Ukrainian, the power of Ukrainian.
- 12 May 2023
Nobody to cover Eurovision here, right. That was subtle too. So there you have it, the Grand Finale of Eurovision Song Contest Liverpool, Ukraine 2023 is only 1 day and 3 hours away. The hosts are gorgeous and so are the songs. We have some new personal favorites now, especially Poland, Australia & Albania. Israel's Russian Invasion-themed song should win, like we said before. Croatia & Ukraine should also be close to the top but it seems that Sweden or Finland are going to do it, according to the online casino runners.
Why is there an online casino, anyway? How is it fun to go to a casino on the internet? No one is serving you free drinks, you can't smoke indoors (your home doesn't count, it has to be outdoors-indoors like a hotel casino), and no one else sees you attending a casino like the grownup bigshot you obviously are. And when I look at this page this year, it seems like everyone there are stoked about Sweden only because they have the best singer, the best performer, the hottest performer, the sexiest-to-all-genders artist in the world, and a potential second double-winner in the history of Eurovision (Johnny Logan did it 3 times actually, one as a writer --kk) which are all very exciting of course. I just don't think they take under consideration the music itself, and the fact that voters might understand/feel music more than they think.
Also this year Americans can vote too for the first time ever! All the world can! You just need to download the Eurovision app, if you haven't already. Luckily, Americans are less impressed by the Swedish singer (forgot her name) because they don't know about her first win and how grandiose it was.
As is tradition, my personal favorite is United Kingdom.
Good luck to everyone and fuck Putin in the Arse.
- Yorson here. Our union American UnNews huvud honcho PF4Eva wanted to chime in and say that he loves Sweden. I admit I'm a bit biased myself, though I cannot resist the Edgar girls from Austria. He and I are both in agreement here.
- Why of course Austria is the coolest one this year. But this ain't a coolest contest, Sir Yonson, or is it. If it was, Volo would host instead of Beyoncé. --kk
- 11 May 2023
Moving on to the final:
Night 2 was sadly not weird enough for my liking. But it was nevertheless enjoyable. I just wish
Kate Bush Iru had gotten in with "Wuthering Heights" "Echo."
I was not expecting to hear "Carol of the Bells" at Eurovision. "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue, maybe. But "Carol of the Bells"? Attans, talk about Christmas creep! Only 224 shopping days until Christmas, folks! I've already made my list and checked it twice.
Nice shout-out to songwriters. It was quite subtle. I was hoping to strike, too, but then there'd be nobody to cover Eurovision here, and we simply cannot have that.
9 11 May 2023
Moving onto the final are:
Croatia had a bizarre Village People thing going on, while Moldova had dancers with pointy Marge Simpson hair, and a flute-playing masked dwarf. I also enjoyed Malta's J. Geils "Centerfold" ripoff with the saxophone. Too bad they didn't advance. Ditto Latvia's song with the weird time signature. I love "Queen of Kings," despite the fact it has nothing to do with the American sitcom. I was afraid that Rita Ora was going to once again butcher Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill." But her new song, which samples Fatboy Slim's "Praise You," is good enough to keep Vecna away. That, and the writer's strike.
King Charles and Queen Camilla's reaction to the sight of Subwoolfer (last year's "Give That Wolf a Banana" fellows) is priceless.
- 25 April 2023
Hey there. We are 2 weeks away from the Grand Final of the Eurovision, and UnNews has had a chance to think over some of the stuff, while listening to some more songs. The conclusions: A) We love Croatia insanely, it's a song about Putin and it probably violates all the Eurovision rules at once but everyone ignores it, which is extremely cool. B) We really love Sweden, the song is just as good as this one but. C) We think Israel should win, because we believe that the song is about Ukraine and the country's approach towards the Russian Invasion. We know the video shows a chick and a dude on a date, but why is she asking him to check her DNA? Too fucking weird. I mean, during their dates, did they come to some conclusion that they might be siblings? And another thing. Why does she keep saying that she will keep standing? No one is standing. She is always sitting down and dancing on the ceiling in her mind. Even inside her mind, she is never standing still (except when she actually turns into a castrated unicorn for a second). Also, she is never "out there". She keeps inside the restaurant during the entire thing. This isn't a song about a person at all. It's about something else, which could only mean one thing - the great big mammoth in the arena, the war in Ukraine. There are more stuff. For example, what the hell is going to be femininely phenomenal? Is she going to sodomize him at some point? I don't think so. This song is definitely about Ukraine. And contrary to Croatia, it's not about one person, but about an entire country. D) We think Israel should win, even though we're not very neutral. E) We still love Finland & Spain, even though we love hip hop & Ofra Haza just as much. F) Fuck Putin in the cunt. Thank you!
- 15 March 2023
It's only 55 days until the first semi-final of Eurovision Song Contest 2023 in Liverpool, and more-or-less all of the songs are available for streaming on Spotify. Russia is still banned for invading the reigning champions, Ukraine. The best songs so far are Finland, a combination of Moldova & Romania from last year, and Spain, with a very special and Ofra Haza-style song. Speaking of Ofra Haza, earlier this year she became the first Eurovision artist to be included on Rolling Stone's 200 Greatest Singers of All Time list, which didn't even include Céline Dion and Avi Toledano.
According to bookmakers, the winner this year will be Loreen from Sweden, who is no doubt the best singer this year, and has won the contest once before with the unbelievably good "Euphoria," a song so good, in fact, that HBO made it into a drama starring Zendaya. To be honest, Loreen's entry this year sounds a little like an attempt to sing "Euphoria" without actually singing "Euphoria", but we've listened to it only like 4 times so we might be wrong about that.
We also like United Kingdom's song very much, and the Israeli tune by Noa Kirel is really cool too. Noa Kirel is the biggest star in Israel for ten years now and she might replace Benjamin Netanyahu as prime minister if she wins the contest. But if someone should win for political reasons, it's Ukraine of course. Since the winner this year will be determined by the entire population of Earth, and not just Europe & Australia, nobody really knows how the Eurovision news will look like in 2 months. Let's just wait and see and possibly kill Putin in the meantime.
- 17 May 2022
Ukraine wins Eurovision 2022, with Kalush Orchestra's "Stefania," not to be confused with last year's performer from Greece with her song "Last Dance." Those banana fellows managed to make the Top Ten. Another one of our favorites, Serbia's Konstrakta, made the Top Five. Estonia's Stefan's cowboy ballad "Hope" finished 13th, followed immediately by 70s disco diva throwback Monika Liu (Lithuania) with "Sentimentai."
The U.K. was the jury favorite.
And the correct lyrics to "In Corpore Sano" are not:
- Icky Torah
- Icky Torah
- Icky Torah
- Bitch, bitch bitch
Instead they are:
- Biti zdrava
- Biti zdrava
- Biti zdrava
- 14 May 2022
Eurovision Song Contest 2022 starts tonight in Turin, Italy, Europe time, and will conclude with the most predictable win since the Dream Team in the 1992 Summer Olympics. This Eurovision seems to be a combination of UnNews' favorite contest, Eurovision 1993, where the newly-born Croatia debuted with the heartbreaking patriotic song "Don't Ever Cry", and everyone else's favorite, Baku 2012, where Loreen has won the contest two months before it even started. We at UnNews are a bit more nostalgic and like a bit more competition, I guess. Tonight's contest has at least 2 COVID-themed songs we were able to recognize (Serbia and Norway), one about Vladimir Putin ("Space Man"), and a blatant reference to the current Marilyn Manson sexual abuse scandal ("SloMo", Spain). Personal favorite: Romania. Interval act: 21-years-old Russian soldier who starts his trial for the war crime of murdering a 62-years-old bicycle-riding Ukrainian civilian, and the Italian singer who has won the Eurovision when she was 16 and gave me my third erection. But we still plan to enjoy the Eurovision because we are wolves in banana peels.
- 13 May 2022
Eurovision 2022 Second Semi-Finals: Belgium, Czech Republic, Azerbaijan, Poland, Finland, Estonia, Australia, Sweden, Romania and Serbia are officially moving on to the Grand Final. There were a lot of worthy candidates, including literal clowns Circus Mircus, operatic pop singers, a cowboy popper, and a much better version of The Power of the Dog. There was only one key change during this round, courtesy of Finland. I previously felt that Konstrakta's (Serbia) "Mekano" was more memorable than her actual Eurovision entry "In Corpore Sano," but now I can't get "Icky Torah, Icky Torah, Icky Torah, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch" out of my head. I know those aren't the correct lyrics, but I don't speak Serbian.
- 11 May 2022
Eurovision 2022 First Semi-Finals recap: Moldova, The Netherlands and Ukraine, of course, with great performances, along with additional 7 counties have managed to secure their places in the Grand Final. And yes, those banana fellows advanced, but those salad guys didn't. The Italian self-referential sense of humor was very funny, with a flying gizmo drone invented by Leonardo DaVinci flying across Italy and presenting the musicians. We look forward to SemiFinal#2 tomorrow and of course for the identity of the host of Eurovision 2023, which will determine if once again, the American song will be the best of the year, following Will Ferrell and AleXa. Stay tuned.
- 10 March 2022
Congratulations to Oklahoma's AleXa, winner of the American Song Contest with her K-pop song "Wonderland." She will be performing at the Billboard Music Awards this Sunday. And "Wonderland" will be going into heavy rotation on iHeartRadio stations. I dug the Squid Game-looking backup dancers and the Red Queen visuals. A bit Suspiria-like. But personally, had New York's Enisa ("Green Light") still been in the contest (and I were a Yank), I would have given her my 10 points. How Grant Knoche's "Mr. Independent" (Texas) made it this far, God only knows.