- 2 November 2024
Thanks to the wonders of ChatGPT, we know that 47.17% of the time between the last Grand Final and the next one in Basel has passed. This means that we’re going to be halfway through AND witness the election of the first female U.S. president at the same time. There aren’t that many updates, except that Joost from the Netherlands, who was banished last year for being a total ass backstage, will not be coming back next year.
Additionally, the selection of Basel is significant for Israel because that is where the idea to establish Israel was first officially presented in 1897. Basel is essentially the cradle of organized crime Zionism. Hosting the contest there would be a good start to apologize to Israel for Eden getting booed last time instead of receiving kisses and flowers, and to recognize the massacre of October 7.
More tips for Basel: Lose the professional juries and consider including Celtic Frost's "Dawn of Megiddo" as an interval act. Megiddo is a kibbutz in Israel, and as we all know, some kibbutzim were burned to the ground during the October 7 massacre. Also, perhaps let Kacey Musgraves do a medley of "Follow Your Arrow"/"Hocus Pocus" with some sexy Swiss yodeling, as a homage to the victory of Kamala Harris, and good old-fashioned Eurovision liberal values.
- 12 May 2024
Switzerland is Eurovision's big winner, while The Netherlands is Eurovision's big loser. I was totally shocked. I certainly enjoyed "Europapa." It has all the weirdness that I've come to expect from Eurovision. The ABBA circlejerks and teases were delightful, and to see them in the digital flesh was the cherry on top. Martin Osterdahl was put in the awkward position of announcing the Dutch jury votes.
Here's the final vote:
- 11 May 2024
The final of Malmö 2024 is in 13 hours, with The Netherland's Joost being interrogated by the Swedish police, possibly regarding something to do with Israel and/or Instagram Stories. Not sure if he will perform tonight. Also the Greek rapper Marina pretended to be yawning and sleeping during an Eden Golan interview, during which a Polish journalist asked Eden why Israel is risking all the other countries. He forgot to ask the Ukrainians the same question, of course, as we all know Putin is currently the Grand Pimp of all the terrorist organizations in the world, including the United Nations.
Eden's perfect performance has totally fucked up the odds table and she's now second only to Croatia. Eurovision fans are still all nostalgic about the balls the contest had last year, with the Croatian protest song against Putin. The only balls left this year are of people yawning at other people who just had a huge massacre in their country 7 months ago. And the Finnish fake pink balls, of course. Personal favorite here: totally Norway, despite their behavioral problems and drinking of brothers' blood. Good luck to non-haters / Fuck Putin as usual!
- Yorson here. Some of my personal favorites: Greece, Israel, any performer with "Baby" and "Lasagna" in their name, the Netherlands, Windows95man, *Squawks* FRANCE!!!!, Armenia, that group that sounded like Boney M, and the dearly departed San Marino. And how can I forget "We Will Rave"?
- Update: Joost becomes the first Eurovision artist ever to get kicked out of the contest (except Lebanon), after apparently attacking a Eurovision crew lady. A note for next year: Kakun thinks that the backstage is where the orchestra should be, and not a bunch of teenagers yawning and punching at each other.
- 10 May 2024
Also advancing to the final:
Italy ruined their own song by not dancing the Cumbia at all, as far as we could tell. Greece totally killed it with a magnificent hip hop song in Greek. The Dutch murdered their own song with the singer telling his late father that he (the son) always did what he (the father) told him, not exactly in the spirit of Dexter.
The reason we're mentioning Dexter so much? It's because of their official Facebook, which is giving away all kinds of suspicious hints in the past week. And fuck people who try to ruin live shows, may Dimebag Darrell rape you in your dreams, forever.
- 9 May 2024
Moving onto the final:
- Croatia
- Cyprus
- Finland
- Ireland
- Lithuania
- Luxembourg
- Portugal
- Serbia
- Slovenia
- Ukraine
One of the Finnish singers performed wearing a nude suit, or just had a really bad balls moment. Croatia probably had the loudest applause with a very nice Rammstein vibe which reminded us of their video "Dicke Titten" ("Fat Tits"). Ireland also made some noise with their "Billie Eilish doing a Marilyn Manson cover" vibe. Serbia had a very nice tune about flowers and Ukraine will perform in the Grand Final again, which makes Putin very angry.
Also we could see the Swedish Olsens, Germany, and the worst British tune I've heard since "Who Needs Information" by Roger Waters. Tonight we're going to watch the unbelievably good Italian song, and Israel entering the Malmö Arena MI-style so that they don't get stoned like in the Danish/Dutch horror movie Speak No Evil. See you tomorrow!
- Yorson here. I'm finally thawed out for this year's festivities. Funny you should mention Billie Eilish, as one of the entries was a prequel to her hit "When the Party's Over."
- 4 May 2024
Three days until Eurovision Malmö 2024, and the betting is still ongoing. The question remains: in what way is Eden Golan's performance about to be crashed? 24% are sure that Eden is about to be rammed by a team of wild Instagram taggers who will try to dim the lightning of her official live performance post. 17% claim that Eden will probably get kidnapped by deranged Dexter fans who believe that she fits The Code. In the third place, 14% think that Eden's song "Hurricane" would be interrupted by Mary, the mother of Jesus, and the earthly incarnation of her best friend, Mother Teresa. And 12% are sure that Italian animated character Mr. Linea will save the day by trashing Eden's performance with his minimalist attitude and huge Bradley Cooper nose. Fifth place (7%) is just a bunch of cynical trash about the crashing of the European dream. In the sixth place, 4% currently think that Eden's boyfriend will cut in and ruin her song with a wild French kiss. Also with 4%, Harry Potter fans believe that Eden will be affected by an ancient Irish curse tattooed on the Irish singer's neck.
Eden herself and her fans (3%) think that only an actual hurricane could interrupt her show, just like Dexter. For more theories, follow this link.
- 11 March 2024
The deadline for submitting songs has arrived today and Israel will participate after changing the lyrics of "October Rain" to "Hurricane". They are still out of the official Spotify playlist. Croatia and Ukraine are currently at the top of the Eurovision odds table, for very good reasons. Also Germany's song is OK and that's always a sign for a decent contest. Overall, a very nice selection so far. Ukraine's song is an obvious tribute to Dana International's "Diva" and Croatia's song is even better than last year's. At the Oscars' red carpet, Billie Eilish was the prettiest but Tobin Bell and Daniel Radcliffe stayed at home for some reason. Back soon with more stuff about Malmö 2024.
- 2 March 2024
The Israel saga continues as the EBU (Eurovision officials) are still considering if the submitted Israeli entry, entitled "October Rain", isn't too political for the contest. The song, written by Keren Peles and two other people, is actually about the 10/7 massacre in Israel, much like Ukraine's song "1944", which was about the genocide and deportation of the Tatars from Crimea by Stalin. The song "1944" won the Eurovision in 2016, by the way.
The Israelis strongly refuse to change the song's lyrics or submit another song, claiming that they don't believe it's about politics. Meanwhile, the official German response is that Israel not participating would be "outrageous", and would be considered as the persecution of Jews. The official Swedish response was joining NATO.
It should be noted that the last individuals who persecuted Keren Peles are currently in total lockdown in their house and unable to go out and get a haircut, as they are too scared that the barber would get too outraged while working in the surroundings of their ears. We'll be back soon with more details.
- 13 February 2024
I don't know where I was (perhaps on Mars with Doctor Manhattan,) but I just learned that Silk Specter herself, Sweden's own, actress Malin Akerman, will be co-hosting Eurovision this year in our beloved Sweden alongside Petra Mede. Note to Americans: It is pronounced PAY-truh MAY-deh. And Akerman's name is pronounced MAH-lin ACK-er-muhn. Are we bra? Låt oss lämna det där.
- 29 January 2024
99 days to Eurovision 2024: Sweden and Finland are still pretty much against Israel taking part in the Eurovision, for attempting to eliminate a terrorist organization who did a genocide against Jews last October. On the 7th of that month, known in Israel as Black Sabbath, a genocide happened in which 1,145 (mostly) Jews were murdered, 3,400 wounded, and 253 kidnapped including Kfir Bibas, a 9-month-old Jewish infant who is hopefully still alive and 1-year-old and waiting for the Israeli army to save him, and not listen to a bunch of Greta fans from Scandinavia.
In terms of purely Eurovision, it looks kind of good from Israeli eyes, as both Sweden and Finland seem to be on the verge of being kicked out of the 2024 contest themselves, or rather, kicking themselves out. Which means that Israel, which has finished 3rd in Eurovision 2023 after Sweden & Finland, would get to host the contest in 2024 instead of Sweden. This is pure Eurovision law.
And hopefully nothing happens to the Finnish race when Putin hears that they are banned from Europe. Good luck with that.
- 11 December 2023
148 days to Eurovision 2024 in Sweden: Norway, Sweden and The Netherlands have raised questions about Israel's right to participate next year, as a country who is currently at war. The EBU's response was that there is no problem with the eligibility of Israel’s broadcaster, Kan (pronounced Cannes but no relation). Israel also currently leads the odds table for winning the contest, even though only one country so far, France, have released their official entry.
Norway, Sweden and The Netherlands are worried about the high number of civilian casualties on the Palestinian side, which is usually supplied by the Palestinian Health Ministry. Giving the fact that the Palestinians have 2 different Health Ministries, 2 governments, 2 ruling parties, Et cetera Et cetera, and one of each is controlled by a terrorist organization who are using their 50,000 hospitals as terrorist headquarters, I wouldn't take those numbers very seriously. It's like taking Putin's word that Ukrainians are Nazis.
Russia, Belarus and Hungary will be absent from Eurovision 2024 for being total assholes, while the lovely Luxembourg will return after 31 years. Israel still has strong support within the liberal and open-minded Eurovision community, which is shocked by the horrible massacre of 11/7. Yes, the Israel Massacre is named after a mini-market. But that doesn't mean that you always must buy anything related to it.
And UnNews would love another anti-Putin piece like Croatia from last year, or Ukraine from the last 20 years.
- 13 May 2023
Sweden wins Eurovision 2023, with Loreen's "Tattoo", her second Eurovision victory in 11 years. The audience favorites Finland finished second. Germany and United Kingdom performed very well but finished last again. At least 19 performers from different countries have performed in their underpants.
Israel finished third for the second time ever, with lovely Noa Kirel showing all the world why she's Israel's Christina Aguilera.
And the correct lyrics to "Unicorn" are:
- I'm gonna stand here like Ukrainian
- Out here on my own
- I got the power of Ukrainian
- Don't you ever learn?
- That I won't look back, I won't look down
- Gator psychopath, you better turn around
- The power of Ukrainian, the power of Ukrainian.
- 12 May 2023
Nobody to cover Eurovision here, right. That was subtle too. So there you have it, the Grand Finale of Eurovision Song Contest Liverpool, Ukraine 2023 is only 1 day and 3 hours away. The hosts are gorgeous and so are the songs. We have some new personal favorites now, especially Poland, Australia & Albania. Israel's Russian Invasion-themed song should win, like we said before. Croatia & Ukraine should also be close to the top but it seems that Sweden or Finland are going to do it, according to the online casino runners.
Why is there an online casino, anyway? How is it fun to go to a casino on the internet? No one is serving you free drinks, you can't smoke indoors (your home doesn't count, it has to be outdoors-indoors like a hotel casino), and no one else sees you attending a casino like the grownup bigshot you obviously are. And when I look at this page this year, it seems like everyone there are stoked about Sweden only because they have the best singer, the best performer, the hottest performer, the sexiest-to-all-genders artist in the world, and a potential second double-winner in the history of Eurovision (Johnny Logan did it 3 times actually, one as a writer --kk) which are all very exciting of course. I just don't think they take under consideration the music itself, and the fact that voters might understand/feel music more than they think.
Also this year Americans can vote too for the first time ever! All the world can! You just need to download the Eurovision app, if you haven't already. Luckily, Americans are less impressed by the Swedish singer (forgot her name) because they don't know about her first win and how grandiose it was.
As is tradition, my personal favorite is United Kingdom.
Good luck to everyone and fuck Putin in the Arse.
- Yorson here. Our union American UnNews huvud honcho PF4Eva wanted to chime in and say that he loves Sweden. I admit I'm a bit biased myself, though I cannot resist the Edgar girls from Austria. He and I are both in agreement here.
- Why of course Austria is the coolest one this year. But this ain't a coolest contest, Sir Yonson, or is it. If it was, Volo would host instead of Beyoncé. --kk
- 11 May 2023
Moving on to the final:
- Albania
- Cyprus
- Estonia
- Belgium
- Austria
- Lithuania
- Poland
- Australia
- Armenia
- Slovenia
Night 2 was sadly not weird enough for my liking. But it was nevertheless enjoyable. I just wish Kate Bush Iru had gotten in with "Wuthering Heights" "Echo."
I was not expecting to hear "Carol of the Bells" at Eurovision. "Free Your Mind" by En Vogue, maybe. But "Carol of the Bells"? Attans, talk about Christmas creep! Only 224 shopping days until Christmas, folks! I've already made my list and checked it twice.
Nice shout-out to songwriters. It was quite subtle. I was hoping to strike, too, but then there'd be nobody to cover Eurovision here, and we simply cannot have that.
9 11 May 2023
Moving onto the final are:
- Croatia
- Moldova
- Switzerland
- Finland
- Czechia
- Israel
- Portugal
- Sweden
- Serbia
- Norway
Croatia had a bizarre Village People thing going on, while Moldova had dancers with pointy Marge Simpson hair, and a flute-playing masked dwarf. I also enjoyed Malta's J. Geils "Centerfold" ripoff with the saxophone. Too bad they didn't advance. Ditto Latvia's song with the weird time signature. I love "Queen of Kings," despite the fact it has nothing to do with the American sitcom. I was afraid that Rita Ora was going to once again butcher Kate Bush's "Running Up That Hill." But her new song, which samples Fatboy Slim's "Praise You," is good enough to keep Vecna away. That, and the writer's strike.
King Charles and Queen Camilla's reaction to the sight of Subwoolfer (last year's "Give That Wolf a Banana" fellows) is priceless.
- 25 April 2023
Hey there. We are 2 weeks away from the Grand Final of the Eurovision, and UnNews has had a chance to think over some of the stuff, while listening to some more songs. The conclusions: A) We love Croatia insanely, it's a song about Putin and it probably violates all the Eurovision rules at once but everyone ignores it, which is extremely cool. B) We really love Sweden, the song is just as good as this one but. C) We think Israel should win, because we believe that the song is about Ukraine and the country's approach towards the Russian Invasion. We know the video shows a chick and a dude on a date, but why is she asking him to check her DNA? Too fucking weird. I mean, during their dates, did they come to some conclusion that they might be siblings? And another thing. Why does she keep saying that she will keep standing? No one is standing. She is always sitting down and dancing on the ceiling in her mind. Even inside her mind, she is never standing still (except when she actually turns into a castrated unicorn for a second). Also, she is never "out there". She keeps inside the restaurant during the entire thing. This isn't a song about a person at all. It's about something else, which could only mean one thing - the great big mammoth in the arena, the war in Ukraine. There are more stuff. For example, what the hell is going to be femininely phenomenal? Is she going to sodomize him at some point? I don't think so. This song is definitely about Ukraine. And contrary to Croatia, it's not about one person, but about an entire country. D) We think Israel should win, even though we're not very neutral. E) We still love Finland & Spain, even though we love hip hop & Ofra Haza just as much. F) Fuck Putin in the cunt. Thank you!
- 15 March 2023
It's only 55 days until the first semi-final of Eurovision Song Contest 2023 in Liverpool, and more-or-less all of the songs are available for streaming on Spotify. Russia is still banned for invading the reigning champions, Ukraine. The best songs so far are Finland, a combination of Moldova & Romania from last year, and Spain, with a very special and Ofra Haza-style song. Speaking of Ofra Haza, earlier this year she became the first Eurovision artist to be included on Rolling Stone's 200 Greatest Singers of All Time list, which didn't even include Céline Dion and Avi Toledano.
According to bookmakers, the winner this year will be Loreen from Sweden, who is no doubt the best singer this year, and has won the contest once before with the unbelievably good "Euphoria," a song so good, in fact, that HBO made it into a drama starring Zendaya. To be honest, Loreen's entry this year sounds a little like an attempt to sing "Euphoria" without actually singing "Euphoria", but we've listened to it only like 4 times so we might be wrong about that.
We also like United Kingdom's song very much, and the Israeli tune by Noa Kirel is really cool too. Noa Kirel is the biggest star in Israel for ten years now and she might replace Benjamin Netanyahu as prime minister if she wins the contest. But if someone should win for political reasons, it's Ukraine of course. Since the winner this year will be determined by the entire population of Earth, and not just Europe & Australia, nobody really knows how the Eurovision news will look like in 2 months. Let's just wait and see and possibly kill Putin in the meantime.
- 17 May 2022
Ukraine wins Eurovision 2022, with Kalush Orchestra's "Stefania," not to be confused with last year's performer from Greece with her song "Last Dance." Those banana fellows managed to make the Top Ten. Another one of our favorites, Serbia's Konstrakta, made the Top Five. Estonia's Stefan's cowboy ballad "Hope" finished 13th, followed immediately by 70s disco diva throwback Monika Liu (Lithuania) with "Sentimentai."
The U.K. was the jury favorite.
And the correct lyrics to "In Corpore Sano" are not:
- Icky Torah
- Icky Torah
- Icky Torah
- Bitch, bitch bitch
Instead they are:
- Biti zdrava
- Biti zdrava
- Biti zdrava
- Biti-biti-biti
- 14 May 2022
Eurovision Song Contest 2022 starts tonight in Turin, Italy, Europe time, and will conclude with the most predictable win since the Dream Team in the 1992 Summer Olympics. This Eurovision seems to be a combination of UnNews' favorite contest, Eurovision 1993, where the newly-born Croatia debuted with the heartbreaking patriotic song "Don't Ever Cry", and everyone else's favorite, Baku 2012, where Loreen has won the contest two months before it even started. We at UnNews are a bit more nostalgic and like a bit more competition, I guess. Tonight's contest has at least 2 COVID-themed songs we were able to recognize (Serbia and Norway), one about Vladimir Putin ("Space Man"), and a blatant reference to the current Marilyn Manson sexual abuse scandal ("SloMo", Spain). Personal favorite: Romania. Interval act: 21-years-old Russian soldier who starts his trial for the war crime of murdering a 62-years-old bicycle-riding Ukrainian civilian, and the Italian singer who has won the Eurovision when she was 16 and gave me my third erection. But we still plan to enjoy the Eurovision because we are wolves in banana peels.
- 13 May 2022
Eurovision 2022 Second Semi-Finals: Belgium, Czech Republic, Azerbaijan, Poland, Finland, Estonia, Australia, Sweden, Romania and Serbia are officially moving on to the Grand Final. There were a lot of worthy candidates, including literal clowns Circus Mircus, operatic pop singers, a cowboy popper, and a much better version of The Power of the Dog. There was only one key change during this round, courtesy of Finland. I previously felt that Konstrakta's (Serbia) "Mekano" was more memorable than her actual Eurovision entry "In Corpore Sano," but now I can't get "Icky Torah, Icky Torah, Icky Torah, Bitch, Bitch, Bitch" out of my head. I know those aren't the correct lyrics, but I don't speak Serbian.
- 11 May 2022
Eurovision 2022 First Semi-Finals recap: Moldova, The Netherlands and Ukraine, of course, with great performances, along with additional 7 counties have managed to secure their places in the Grand Final. And yes, those banana fellows advanced, but those salad guys didn't. The Italian self-referential sense of humor was very funny, with a flying gizmo drone invented by Leonardo DaVinci flying across Italy and presenting the musicians. We look forward to SemiFinal#2 tomorrow and of course for the identity of the host of Eurovision 2023, which will determine if once again, the American song will be the best of the year, following Will Ferrell and AleXa. Stay tuned.
- 10 March 2022
Congratulations to Oklahoma's AleXa, winner of the American Song Contest with her K-pop song "Wonderland." She will be performing at the Billboard Music Awards this Sunday. And "Wonderland" will be going into heavy rotation on iHeartRadio stations. I dug the Squid Game-looking backup dancers and the Red Queen visuals. A bit Suspiria-like. But personally, had New York's Enisa ("Green Light") still been in the contest (and I were a Yank), I would have given her my 10 points. How Grant Knoche's "Mr. Independent" (Texas) made it this far, God only knows.
