UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters
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Monday, January 19, 2026, 09:20 (UTC)
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UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Opinion Editorials, or Op-eds for those who forgot what newspapers were. In addition Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the unintelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares.
Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters.
As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media.
Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. (See more...)
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that forty-five percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no. (See more...)
Uggh! My class had a Valentine's Day party the other day and no one gave me a single valentine. Just like last year. And the year before that. And probably next year, too. And for the rest of my life.
Why do I keep getting my hopes up? I should get a clue already: Nobody likes me. Why would they? I'm bald and boring. I totally suck at sports. And my dog is so human-like that it creeps the bejesus out of everyone. Even my so-called friends treat me like dirt. I'm such an incredible loser. No one even watched my tv special last Wednesday.
I hate Valentine's Day. I hate it so much. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. It's the most depressing day of the year. Oh, Christmas and my birthday are absolutely horrible, but at least I always get presents on those days. Valentine gifts are a purely voluntary exchange meant to show love for someone. The fact I get nothing only emphasizes that no one really loves me. Sometimes I wish I could kill myself. Too bad I'm an immortal comic strip character, doomed to live in repeats for the rest of eternity. You'd think being the most popular comic strip would be evidence that people love me, but no. They're all laughing at my misery, and I hate them for it. (See more...)
Walking down the hall last week, armed with a fresh cup of coffee, 4 grams of bud and a steaming plate of pasta in tomato alfredo sauce, I overheard one of my fellow editors make a comparison of UnNews to some obscure publication called "An Onion." This comment was the mustard seed that grew into the apocryphal retard bush, in the desert of Sinai, with Moses and all that.
I then promptly forgot about the whole thing. I took my lunch on the UnNews veranda and smoking section in the sub-basement. The pasta was properly cooked, the sauce magnificent, and the chef noted for a compliment later. Then back to my desk to hammer out some editing tasks. Within minutes I became acutely aware of a need for medicinal marijuana, and so, sparked one up. (See more...)
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here?
With love,
Suzy Creamcheese
Dear Ms. Creamcheese,
Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid.
Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism.
Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,
The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al.
So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!!
See ya around, losers!
JGordon
Dear JGordon, As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists.
If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera.
Hygienically yours,
The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig.
Great success!
CE8eYGaz
Dear CE8eYGaz,
I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor.
Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers!
Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,
The Editorial Stiff