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UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial. UnNews Editorials| UnNews Columns| Original reporting edit  Reductio ad Hitlerum: Guest editorials by notable figures, such as Sarah Palin, Jesuszilla, etc.. UnNews Column Reductio ad Hitlerum by guest columnist SARAH PALIN - The lame-stream media is very lame Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters. As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media. Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. more... edit  UnColumns UnColumns:Dinesh D'souza - The real problem with Newtonism Uncyclopedia is proud to present an original column by best-selling author Dinesh D'Souza, best-selling author of best-selling books like What’s So Great About Christianity. Dinesh D'Souza's latest best-selling book is What’s So Great About Christianity. As of this writing, What’s So Great About Christianity has topped the best-seller charts on dineshdsouza.com for sixteen straight weeks; a record setting, best-selling run on dineshdsouza.com's best-seller list on dineshdsouza.com. The previous record holder, The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11 held the top spot on the best-sellers list on dineshdsouza.com for over fifteen weeks. The Enemy At Home: The Cultural Left and Its Responsibility for 9/11 was written by best-selling author Dinesh D'souza, who also wrote the best-selling book What’s So Great About Christianity. Both best-selling books by Dinesh D'souza, as well as other books by best-selling author Dinesh D'souza, are available on dineshdsouza.com. more... edit  OpEd UnNews Editorial: Palin gals circle wagons against retard "haters" OK, so Sarah Palin said what, now? I was falling asleep during a local news broadcast, when I heard an announcer say. "or Seth MacFarland hatches devious plot to expose Sarah Palin as an idiot. Former Alaska governor Sarah Palin and her crazy daughter Britney have gone ballistic on Cabal stooge Seth MacFarland, creator of the animated sitcom series, "Family Stuff". I attributed what I heard to the excellent quality of the weed I've been smoking lately, when I rouse myself a bit to hear about Bristol Palin: she says "Family Guy" Producers Are "Heartless Jerks" on her mother's Facebook account. "Jesus," I thought to myself, "this ought to be good." more... edit  ATBF UnNews OpEd Column:ATBF America should declare war on Silly Bandz! TOLEDO, Ohio -- A new and sinister fad called Silly Bandz is snaking its way through the American school systems, and authorities are fearful. Many schools have banned the novelty bracelets as a distraction, citing obsessive behavior of children collecting, trading, and even committing crimes for want of them. The toys come in dozens of shapes, colors, and themes, and can be used as a regular rubber band. On someone's wrist, they look like a regular bracelet, and when taken off they revert to their original shape. They are often worn many at a time, like sleeves, and are traded like other collectibles. The idea was inspired by shaped silicone office products that were created with the hopes of being a green product. They did not work as companies did not want to spend that much on rubber bands. They were then made larger to fit as bracelets and re-branded as Silly Bandz by Robert Croak. The toys are sold in packs of 24 for about $4.95. A number of competing manufacturers make the product. BCP Imports, located in Toledo, Ohio, supplies Silly Bandz as well as the Livestrong wristbands. more...

Write a new UnNews story: Type your desired headline and then click on the button. Read Me First| Style Guide| Newsroom edit  Janitors Closet: Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor. Click here to submit your letter Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here? Suzy Creamcheese Dear Ms. Creamcheese, Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid. Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism. Yours in cleanliness and sanitation, The Editorial Stiff Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al. So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!! See ya around, trolls! JGordon Dear JGordon, As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists. If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera. Hygienically yours, The Editorial Stiff Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig. CE8eYGaz Dear CE8eYGaz, I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor. Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers! Yours in cleanliness and sanitation, The Editorial Stiff

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