UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters
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Saturday, December 6, 2025, 20:12 (UTC)
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UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Opinion Editorials, or Op-eds for those who forgot what newspapers were. In addition Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the unintelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares.
Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters.
As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media.
Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. (See more...)
Ahmed sits in front of his run-down hut, utterly exhausted. He manages to summon enough strength to look up at the sky. Soon it will come. His instincts have never failed. And it will come down hard. Ahmed tries to rise, and manages with the help of his faithful goat, Horny. He looks at the sky again and starts to pray.
After his prayer, Ahmed beckons us to follow. We walk with him to the outskirts of his home village, Uitgeest, and away from the village in the refreshing desert sun of central Sahara. We soon reach a large valley full of peaceful lizards. "This is Skeenfleent Valley. Those lizards are all Cuckenfleisch, giant varans. They are all we have for food." I look around the valley, and slowly the weight of it all lands upon me: if the lizards die, these people will die too. And there is no way to prevent the lizards from dying. A cold fate is in store for the village.
Brother Humbert, the missionary who works as a teacher and spiritual mentor in the village, knows these people well. He has lived with them for such a long time that he recognises them by their footsteps outside of his villa when they come begging for leftovers after a bad day's hunt. But soon those footsteps will not hit sand any longer. (See more...)
After a successful grassroots Facebook campaign to get her to host, Golden Girl Betty White’s Saturday Night Live episode drew monster ratings of 8.8 million viewers. And at 88. she is the oldest person to ever host the show, beating the record set by then-80-year-old Miskel Spillman.
And she was funny as hell! So, where does Lorne Michaels go from there? Here is a list of people I’d like to see host SNL in the near future.
And Lorne, if you happen to be reading this, take plenty of notes. With our advice, you’re sure to deliver a knockout show week after week after week. If more episodes were like the Betty White event, more people would tune in and watch. Not that the show isn’t funny anymore, because it is. I’m just saying that you could spice up the show with people like this to draw in viewers.
So without any further ado, and in no particular order, I present to you, you, and you -- not you! -- You! -- um, nope -- and you... my picks for the next big SNL host. Wait, I need to piss first, dammit.
Now, where was I? Ah, yes... here now is my list of potential SNL hosts in the near future. Lorne Michaels, take note... (See more...)
If there ever was a case of the pot calling the kettle black, it is the faux outrage expressed by Rush Limbaugh over comments in Barack Obamas first physical as president; specifically, a recommendation that the President drink moderately. From this, we are told by the likes of Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and their ilk at Fox News, the American people are to deduce that Barack Obama is an alcoholic.
Of course, in this great land of ours, where it is considered treasonous to label George W. Bush a moron, yet at the same time, it's OK for some to call Obama a Nazi/Socialist/Elitist, mostly-Republican-and-Libertarian, white-trash-redneck-intellectual, Teabag-partiers are so enmeshed in their Judeo-Christian, white supremecist, self-important dream world, that the yawning gaps which we critical thinkers perceive between truth and idealism of any sort appears to their hindsighted vision as an affront against God, Jesus and country.
The events I've described above took place around March first this year. It occurs to me, as Chief Janitorial Servicing Editor and a disreputable UnJournalist, that at a major news publication such as UnNews, articles should be "fresh" and topical. Thus far, this article has been neither. (See more...)
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here?
With love,
Suzy Creamcheese
Dear Ms. Creamcheese,
Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid.
Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism.
Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,
The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al.
So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!!
See ya around, losers!
JGordon
Dear JGordon, As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists.
If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera.
Hygienically yours,
The Editorial Stiff
Dear Chief Janitorial Editor,
Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig.
Great success!
CE8eYGaz
Dear CE8eYGaz,
I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor.
Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers!
Yours in cleanliness and sanitation,
The Editorial Stiff