UnNews:OpEd Columns Editorials Letters

UnNews would be a sad excuse for a news agency if we didn't have Editorials and a feedback column. Our Janitors Closet is a forum for the intelligentsia among UnNews readers, a place to piss and moan, or to praise us for our outstanding critical thinking skills as journalists. Letters may even be answered in the event an editor can found who cares. For those of you who don't remember newspapers, OpEd is short for Opinion Editorial. UnNews Editorials| UnNews Columns| Original reporting edit  Reductio ad Hitlerum: Guest editorials by notable figures, such as Sarah Palin, Jesuszilla, etc.. UnNews Column Reductio ad Hitlerum by guest columnist SARAH PALIN - The lame-stream media is very lame Hi Uncyclopedia, I appreciate speaking directly to you, the people who voted for me in 2008, against that hope-y, change-y guy. People who know me know that besides faith and family and my rifle, there's nothing more important to me than my loyal supporters. As I sit here on this resplendent Alaska morning, the smell of a freshly baked pie wafting delicately beneath my nose, I am reminded by that wholesome aroma of the hope and perseverance that is the American spirit. But, today, I have a less pleasant subject to talk about. Today, I want to talk to you about the lame-stream media. Liberty-loving patriots all throughout our great nation know that the lame-stream media is very, very lame. Golly, I can hardly watch the lame-stream media without thinking, "Well, aren't you just so lame!" Any conservative could see that the lame-stream media gives that hope-y, change-y guy in the White House a free pass for all his dirty tricks and his underhanded dealings. But they've been out to get me since day one! For example, they posted a horrifying, sexist picture of me wearing shorts. When I posed for that picture, I would have been appalled if I had known it would fall into the hands of the lame-stream media! But it did, and the lame-stream media sent pictures all over America of me in a pair of shorts. That's how lame they are. They're lame, and they're sexist. more... edit  UnColumns UnColumns:Kirk Cameron warns 1980s entertainers of impending death: "You're Next, Michael Gross!" Hi, I'm Kirk Cameron. Remember me?WARNING: This column is written for, and addressed to, 1980s entertainers only. People of other decades probably won't comprehend the looming danger or see anything to be concerned about. Also, no hippies. No housewives. No jazz musicians, except for maybe Herbie Hancock. No hula hoops. No Ward Cleavers or Ozzie Nelsons. No grunge bands. No boy bands, either...and don't even get me started about that [[Tay Zonday|"Chocolate Rain" guy more... edit  OpEd UnNews Editorial:Why are some Democrats pushing to relieve the ladies of their civil rights? MARQUETTE, Michigan -- Bart Stupak is a different kind of Democrat. He is an excellent example of a trend in modern American religion to blur denominational lines in the name of Christian idealism. Yes, Mr Stupak, dissatisfied with just telling his wife how to think, has now decided to tell every other American woman how to think too, by championing the Democratic cause for hope, change and outlawing abortion. Bartholomew Thomas "The Inquisitor" Stupak has been a Democratic member of the United States House of Representatives since 1993, representing Michigan's 1st congressional district. Many of his constituents live in the Upper Peninsula area of Michigan, home of secessionist wackos, who hope to create a 51st state called Superior. Apparently, this group of inbred militia enthusiasts is what passes for "Real Americans" in the mind of the Senator. more... edit  ATBF ATBF Column - Real American housewives make for TV gold. The deconstruction of four miserable twats WASHINGTON D. C. -- I don't have the numbers to back it up, but I feel strongly that television, especially American television, has done more to advance the state of humanity than anything since the domestication of dogs. It is a tool with which a person can navigate the various permutations of the human condition, and by nature of it's ubiquity and anonymity of usage, empowers any citizen, be it Joe Six-pack or Randy Senator, to live vicariously in some Hell-world for an hour a week. We love our celbutards with our Mom and apple pie. The best television in America also makes us feel good about ourselves, and provides us with scapegoat, cut-out characters that make us think, "there, but for the grace of God, go I." “I know you're American, but let's have some manners.” ~ some haughty UKer twat on Real Housewives of Washington, D. C. Many reality show producers created television gold by dredging up our less fortunate fellow citizens from the mire of their everyday misery long enough for us to pity their financial hardships and get nauseous at their state of hygiene. Ths Real Housewives series of programs, a behind the scenes look at the politics, machinery and antics of some economically privileged, catty Washington DC "housewives" takes another tack. It gives us the glitz and glamor of celebutards, and simultaneously extols the virtues of American stupidity. more...

Write a new UnNews story: Type your desired headline and then click on the button. Read Me First| Style Guide| Newsroom edit  Janitors Closet: Bitch, piss, and moan at your Janitorial Services Editor. Click here to submit your letter Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, I have written an series of articles about the Illuminati, submitted it to UnNews, and then they seem to disappear. I can find no records that the articles ever existed. I suspect some sort of virus has invaded my computer and deleted the backed-up copies of my articles as well, but cannot as yet, prove it. A little help here? Suzy Creamcheese Dear Ms. Creamcheese, Let me begin by saying you've got some sweet ass. We mean that in the nicest possible way. Really! When we see that tight butt, we always say, "I'd follow that ass to hell for a piece" We know this because there's a camera behind you. In fact, there are 7 cameras dispersed about the room, giving us pretty much a 360 view. That is because we're piggybacking on the Illuminati computer network. They don't even suspect we're doing it. They're pretty stupid. Don't fret about your lost articles. We have recovered them from deletion by the Trilateral Commision, who operate at the behest of the Illuminati, and will publish them when the Cabal sees fit we feel it will make the strongest impact as journalism. Yours in cleanliness and sanitation, The Editorial Stiff Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Uncyclopedia et al. So, who cares if I don't return. I'll make this short. I have nothing funny to add or to write about anymore. Don't be e-mailing me or looking for me online because all I will do is just plain fuckin' ignoring you little shits! Anyway, have fun insulting one another & pissing on any article you wish to change. I won't be around nor will I ever be coming back to this site. I'm through, I'm done, & I'm outta here!!!!!! See ya around, trolls! JGordon Dear JGordon, As always, delighted to hear from a complete and utter douche bag. I am particularly pleased that you want us to leave you alone, in compliance with Uncyclopedia Rule 88, Section 3 How To Get On With Life, which reads, "In the event that a user decides to become an UnUser, just bloody well leave the mewling little git alone." No one is quite sure what that means, or if it indeed exists. If you don't like it, you can sit on my lap face down, blow me, suck the free end of my throbbing member, et cetera, etcetera. Hygienically yours, The Editorial Stiff Dear Chief Janitorial Editor, Is there a Mrs. Chief Janitorial Editor? Perhaps you would like to meet my sister. She is very nice. She can pull plow and milk cow. Her vagin [sic] is tight like BP oil rig. CE8eYGaz Dear CE8eYGaz, I never divulge my marital status, as I find it counters my efforts to get laid more. As for your sister, I would like to know more about your offer. As fate would have it, I've been considering starting a dairy farm in my back yard. I also plan to grow much of my own cattle feed. I am in a position to offer a modest sum for a long-term lease of contract labor. Being ignorant of the oil trade jargon, I wonder, is "vagin" a technical term associated with oil drilling? And, if so, are you making veiled references to some sort of sexual act or acts? Because, if this is so, I am at a complete loss as to what exactly you are talking about, and whether it's good or bad. Please elaborate. You can use the same e-mail address to send photos, terms and a brief resume and list of acceptable sex acts, with and without barn animals. Cheers! Yours in cleanliness and sanitation, The Editorial Stiff

UnMagazine Religion Editorial Sports DC Bureau Person of the Year