Turd III
 King Seamus the Turd making away with the spoils after slaying Ronald Reagan.
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King Seamus 'the Turd' III (1313-1331) was Emperor of Antarctica. Seamus the Turd, or simply 'Turd' as he was commonly known, also served as the Duke of Diarrhea, the Sultan of Scatology, and (duh) King of Crap.
The legacy and decline of Turd[edit | edit source]
In 1321, Seamus the Turd's father, King Ordure of the South Pole died of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and based on a mandate in Antarctican law regarding "..death involving the divine act of rectal cleansing," Turd would surpass even his great father's foosteps to become King of All Things Fecal.
The Turdish uprising and the founding of Turdistan[edit | edit source]
So legendary was Seamus the Turd that subsequent Turds would not be able to live up to his legacy of fecal prowess, creating a large portion of the population proclaiming loyalty to so-called "Turdish" ideologies. During his rule, Seamus also led a charter that sailed east from Antarctica where they established a small nation known as Turdistan. Turdistan existed as an independent nation for over five-hundred years before being merged into the Union of Serious Assholes conglomerate in a hostile takeover bid. Alas, the Turdish Legacy lives on today in spirit. Whenever someone takes a dump in a pool, it is said that "The Turds are invading."
The inevitable purging of King Turd[edit | edit source]
 He insisted it was there when he arrived.
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In 1331, Turd faced the most difficult challenge of his reign, when during an annual congo-style parade where the king followed closely behind the beloved royal family elephant, the previously constipated elephant finally let loose its stool and suffocated the king under nearly 200 pounds of dung.
| “ | The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Seamus to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate it's bowels over him, thus causing him to suffocate. | ” |
The lesser known Peter Turd[edit | edit source]
Little is known about Peter Turd from the 1400's, inventor of the butt plug; but recent studies conclude that skid marks in the petrified pants of Peter, found frozen in a glacier, suggest that he had the rare ability to launch an atomic fart blast with a radius of up to 300 meters. It is believed this is the real threat faced by Japan in WW2. To this date, there has only been one larger attempt at a turd blast, which is theorized to be the cause of the "Big Bang." Peter's sizable turds made him a god among people.
A monument to the largest of Peter's Turdish achievements can now be found as the tombstone of his grave-site which is frozen over on the family plot down at the South Pole.
See also[edit | edit source]
- The shits - the production and management of turds
- Turd burger - the nefarious acquisition of turds
- Poop Cuisine - the consumption of turds
- Scatomancy - divination involving the examination and evaluation of turds
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Award of Confusion! Apparently this article is damned funny. It is not an inside joke or vanity page, but you pretty much need a PhD to get it. Or so we've been told, most of us seem to prefer humour involving masturbation and/or Jesus. The author may have been masturbating over a picture of Jesus. You can send him to hell by giving him an atomic fisting. This is both an award and a warning, direct as used. |