The three legged barstool

“They are genuinely fascinating creatures that one day I would love to keep at my house.”

~ David attenborough on three-legged bar stool. (Well, not actually on it but you know what I mean.)

The Three-Legged Bar stool or Tribarus chairus is an endangered member of the chair family. This species is currently suffering from the recession, and population reduction as a result of David Cameron's hunting trips. Cameron hunts down the bar stools so that he can stand on them to place his fox and badger skins in his trophy cabinet.

Bar stools are friendly creatures with habitats in both urban areas, as well as rural locales. They are the indigenous species of the chair family in Britain, usually of the oak species, with a coat of varnish used to shield them from the harsh conditions in which they reside. They are often bred with the greater white plastic garden chair to create a flexible but tough variety preferred by Wal★Mart shoppers.

Appearance

The Three-Legged Bar stool has a very complex appearance compared to other chairs. As the name would suggest, it has three legs and is usually supported by a triangular base that it has evolved over the many years of it's existence. Entomologists believe that this helps with it's balance and co-ordination, however ornithologists challenge this theory. The stool is invariably brown in appearance, but may be streaked for camouflage as a protection from the counter that appears commonly in it's habitat. It has metal caps at the end of its feet, although these are usually removed by poachers. There are two variates of the Three-Legged Bar stool. The less common variety has evolved a seat with a thick, fibrous, warming carpet which keeps it at a favorable body temperature throughout the winter months. The more common variety has a hard wooden top for protection from its predators and other natural hazards.

The Wooden topped three legged bar stool. Notice the support at the bottom of the legs.

Habitat

The preferred habitat of the bar stool is in a great British bar or pub. It displays an affinity for the warm climate of the bars and thrives in the comedic value of humans with slurred speech toppling over and cheering at pointless games on the TV. The mostly wooden environment of the English bar also provides camouflage from the two predators it fears the most, the drunken Scottish brawl and the wood chipper. Scotsmen do not see very well when drunk and can easily overlook a Bar stool when it is up against the counter. However if a Scotsmen does notice one, he often brutally murders it by smacking it against the counter and breaking its legs off, which are then used against his opponent. However bar stool populations continue to persist due to the conservation efforts of Landlords, bartenders, and bouncers who often stop bar fights and kick drunk Scotsmen out of the bar. Sadly, some landlords balk at these conservation efforts citing overpopulation in a specific establishment. These people often employ woodchippers to thin the herd, in complete disregard of conservationist warnings the the species is endangered.

Diet

The Three-Legged Bar stool commonly preys on drunk English men who are susceptible to attack in their inebriated state. Unable to balance properly, stools can often cause severe damage to the English man and his ego given instinctual propensity of the stool to fall over. Stools might also eat KP nuts and pork scratchings left by occupants of the bar during lean periods. While known to rarely drink water, stools commonly endulge in left-over coke spilled by immature children and beer spilled by immature adults. While their diet does not provide much caloric intake, stools can survive on little because they remain mainly stationary and their stomachs are 100% efficient at utilizing digested food. This makes them one of the few known species that leave no droppings, making them excellent indoor companions.

Developement

The Bar stool has a relatively short life span of just 12 years, making its early development crucial in its path to adulthood. It reaches adulthood at about 3 years of age.

Infancy

A baby Bar stool or 'Barling' is very independent. Because its parents can't really move to nurture or provide for offspring, a barling is forced to be self-sufficient. It learns from a very early age how to choose its prey based on their drunkenness and how English they are.

Adolescence

There is no real childhood so to speak of for the Three-Legged Bar stool; it moves directly from infancy to adolescence. During this time of life, the bar stool enters it's 'pimp' stage. It is often decked out in gold and fancy patterns, and is very likely to find a mate in this stage of its livelihood.

End of life

An bar stool enters its senior stage when it reaches the age of 11. Despite its age, most stools are still very lively for creatures that have probably had several leg replacements.

Endangered species status

“You have not lived until you have hunted a Bar stool”

~ David Cameron on bar stools

The Bar stool is endangered due in majority to drunk Scotsman and David Cameron, who, along with his butler Nick Clegg, shoots them for fun. Aggravating the problem, most zoos and circuses refuse to take them in for breeding projects because they don't really do much. Additionally, the pro-stool charity Save Our Stools(S.O.S.) is only sparsely supported. Breeding efforts to save the stools are also hampered by the fact that 79% of the population of bar stools are men. You can help save the bar stools by supporting your local S.O.S. chapter through the donation of your time as an indentured servant, or with a nominal donation of 100% of your gross income. Please, support S.O.S so that the pubs won't feel empty for your children and grandchildren.

Authors Note: Nick Clegg does not like stool shooting, however he is mandated to hunt with David Cameron under the terms of his contract with the 'coalition' government.