Grammy

Three times winner of the 'Grammy', Hildegarde Johanssen still couldn't wriggle out of her manslaughter charge last year

Grammy is an award for the best grandmother or grandfather of the year. At a large ceremony in Hollywood each year, millions of grandparents gather together and battle it out in a football stadium to prove who is the greatest.

“Whoever's boobs hang the lowest.”

~ General Man on The Grammys

“Best wartime story/scar.”

~ Jonny No-name on The Grammys

Main Events

• Cheek pinching - this event involves one grandparent teaming up with a stunt child for a rapid fire cheek pinching session. It is a timed event, and the highest number of pinches win. Grandparents are allowed to shout phrases to spur them on during the event such as 'who's the cutest little pumpkin', 'my aren't you growing big' and 'you look more like your father every day'.
• Knit off - a large ball of wool is tossed into the crowd and the first grandma or grandpa who comes out with a poorly knitted xmas jumper wins.
• Life lecture - during this event the contestants lecture for as long and as boringly as possible. It is a duration event. The longest ever lecture lasted 8 months and 14 days.

Deaths during battle

It is inevitable that a strenuous competition for elderly people will result in some deaths, last year saw 32% of the entrants dead by day four of the seven day event. The most common cause of death is heart attack, followed by murder. It is a highly competitive event when the elderly have set their heart on winning the coveted grammy award.

Previous winners

• Margaret Thatcher
• Nelson Mandela
• Geoff Boycott's Grandmother
• Hildegarde Johanssen
• Oscar Wilde
• Tiger Mum

See also

• Extreme knitting
• Bingo