Pumpkin
A pumpkin is a modern marvel that used to be a yellow dinosaur egg that somehow turned into an orange lumpy vegetable, its monstrous weight coming from all of the children it consumed over Halloween. When planting pumpkins, make sure you give them your teeth to nourish the pumpkin seeds, ensuring they have a healthy growth! Pumpkins tend do have a jaundice hue accompanied by green stripes down the middle, but can morph into other shapes and colors over time.
The pumpkin described[edit | edit source]
A pumpkin is of an orbicular shape, sometimes spherical, and occasionally almost cuboid. Most often though, it is some random, lumpy, organic pile of orange that only retains its shape due to a strong outer protective shell. Perched on top of the pumpkin's body is a sort of antennae, which at one time was the base of its umbilical cord which kept it connected to the parental plant. It now functions as a VHF radio, able to pick up and coming signals, and play shitty music loudly at 2am with its build in speakers. The pumpkin has natural eyes that are microscopic in size, and not really used for anything beyond staring at people blankly. Due to some mistakes in the Middle Ages and how history works, modern pumpkins tend to have gigantic triangular eyes for no particular reason. The pumpkin has a mouth full of razor sharp fangs, but it is locked behind its outer carapace, and is only exposed to the world when someone manages to break through the shell. More middle aged tomfoolery brought about the freeing of their mouths, and now most pumpkins can be seen baring their fangs at night during Halloween, a sure sign that they have eaten children, and will eat more.
History of pumpkins[edit | edit source]
In the early Paleolithic Age, what is now known as the pumpkin was little more than a football sized egg shat out upon the planet by some sort of featherless biped (NOT a human). The egg would then be left by the pathetic excuse for a father who would go out to the a smoke break, and by the mother who was too busy preparing to make another egg with someone who wasn't the OG father. The egg would just sit thee for weeks, slowly shriveling and rotting, to the point where it became an orange hued sickly little thing, with green goop leaking from its top. Neanderthals, upon stumbling on the sickly and dying corpse of an egg, began to hoot and holler before painting it on the walls of their cave as wall art. An accidental mistake by one of the cavemen ended with the pumpkin being flattened, its innards spewing across the the floor. Thus was the first pumpkin found, and promptly destroyed, but it was not to be the last.
Some eons later, in the middle ages, serfs had come across a mysterious yellow egg laying deep in the woods. Desperate to find food as their lords and ladies kept stealing it all from them in the pursuit of becoming fat, they snatched up the egg. Due to them not having any schooling beyond "water plants" and "praise the lord" they thought that the egg was some sort of vegetable. They took it back to the farms, and "planted" it. Over time, naturally nothing happened, but due to a freak lightning storm, the egg was struck by a bolt of electricity and blown into a billion little bits. Some sort of mutation happened, (science n' shit), and it mutated some particles into seeds. These seeds took root in the ground, and thanks to Mother Nature thinking they were still eggs, the plants that grew forth from them tried their very hardest to replicate the egg form. This proved difficult, as the serfs kept watering them with week old ale, forcing the plants to mutate further and develop tendrils with which they could then move themselves about in search of water. The serfs ran away in terror from the newly grown horror traipsing about their fields, and requested the aid of the lord and his knights. The knights descended upon the pumpkins, slaughtering thousands, and taking away a few as trophy prisoners. Several were put to death by having their "eyes" put out, and their mouths cut as well. These mutilated creatures were then placed onto spears outside of the castle walls in order to deter any more of them from coming near.
Somehow all of this was lost in translation throughout history, and all we have left today in modern times is the strange belief that placing the corpses of a once living vegetable on our porch will keep the spooks and ghouls at bay. The death of the creatures as well was turned from brutal torture and execution into a fun and family friendly event, where everyone takes cutting utensils and slices them up.
What to do if you see one moving[edit | edit source]
"Kill it! Kill it immediately! 'But-but-how am I to do that?' you say, right before I bash your stupid cranium in with a baseball bat, then curbstomp the fuck out of the pumpkin, well you see, you take this here knife and you just STAB it like SO and then you take your foot and you MASH it right here... are you still listening? No? Criminy man, get ahold of yourself and stop playing with your grey matter, put that shit back in your head and listen up. Now, you take the innards from the beast, and you bake it into a pastry. Focus! This is essential: you HAVE to bake it into a pastry, or else it might come back and kill you while you sleep, you wouldn't want it to come back and kill you while you sleep, would you? No man, your girlfriend wasn't trying to kill you, she was seeing how long you could hold your breath with a pillow over your mouth, now stop screwing around with that phone, 911 has more important things to do."
See also[edit | edit source]
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