Pumpkin Spice Latte

A depiction of a relatively large cup of the world-famous drug.

“Pumpkin Spice Latte is love, Pumpkin Spice Latte is life.”

~ Starbucks Corporation

Pumpkin Spice Latte (abbreviated as PSL) is a highly addictive mixture of liquid drugs, pumpkin-pie spices and concentrated syrups, served by Starbucks Coffee. Regularly consumed in the Fall season, the drink has sparked controversy over its creeping ubiquitousness among the melanin-challenged. It is objectively superior to Peppermint Mocha, the stale restaurant mint of coffee beverages: during the first decade of its existence, it has been sold 200 million times.

History

The Pumpkin Spice Latte came into existence in 2003, when a drug addict and Stanford University graduate named Peter Dukes was experimenting in one of Starbucks' secret laboratories, in an attempt to create a new mixture of drinkable drugs, following the success of Starbucks' Christmas drinks. After noticing how addictive the scent of pumpkin could be to teenagers and millennials, the drink came into existance: an addictive mixture of cinnamon (a fictional drug invented by Jules Verne), ginger ale extract, nutmeg, and cloves, blended into a latte (which contains tons of caffeine). It was initially first served to ordinary people in Washington, D.C. and Vancouver: it became one of the most successful drinks available at Starbucks, managing to earn $80 million per year for the multinational corporation during following years, when it was made available in over fifty countries.

In recent years, the Pumpkin Spice Latte has become associated with Caucasian women, and has been ridiculed by Uncyclopedians and society itself. This started to occur in 2014, when large supplies of the drug were stolen by various millennial women, and was adopted as their mascot. Shortly after, some anti-feminist men declared war on those women, dubbing them "basic bitches". This war is still being waged as of this day, and has been at a standstill since some time.

Conspiracy theories

There have been various conspiracy theories surrounding the production and distribution of Pumpkin Spice Lattes. These have occurred since the initial release of the Pumpkin Spice Latte, and have not ceased since.

Starbucks, a drug dealer

Many people have noted that the Pumpkin Spice Latte is the only drug sold at Starbucks. However, some other people, notably black men, have started claiming that all items sold at Starbucks are drugs designed to solely affect middle-class white people, especially teenagers and millennials, and to milk money away from them:

• The Pumpkin Spice Latte has been created with a disregard to health. Being both highly addictive, and packed to the brim with fat, it has been widely criticized for its belly-expanding contents. As it is widely known that the elderly are less capable of eating high-calorie foods and drinks,
• The fact that the PSL has been created inside a laboratory, and that the creation of all of Starbucks' other drinks has remained undocumented has made some believe that all of Starbucks' other drinks were either born from God or created inside another laboratory.

Early release of the Pumpkin Spice Latte

The Pumpkin Spice Latte has been released earlier every year, making it available for a longer period of time, much to the pleasure of Cassie. However, this has been picked up by many as a subtle attempt to hide climate change, by making people think that fall is arriving earlier than usual when it actually now tends to be quite tardy. This point has been refuted by Starbucks, their management claiming that the PSL is being sold early in a dire attempt to make a few extra dollars.

Variants

The Pumpkin Spice Latte can be found in several different variants. The original, as pictured above, is the most famous of them all. However, many other variants are notable for existing:

• Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte: This is the exact same thing as the original Pumpkin Spice Latte, except it has been left to freeze in northern Canada in order to make it "iced". One notable point is the fact that the cup in which it is served is made out of plastic instead of paper, which makes some conspiracy theorists claim that the Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte is a completely different drink; however, it has been scientifically proven by the various scientists at Starbucks that the Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte uses the same ingredients as the normal Pumpkin Spice Latte.
• Pumpkin Spice Frappuccino: This is a blended version of the Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte. It is created by throwing an Iced Pumpkin Spice Latte into a blender, and then adding whipped cream on top. It also has the property of being slightly more attractive to Instagram addicts, because of its cleaner appearance.

Side effects

Pumpkin Spice Lattes have various side effects that can be dangerous to many people, especially men. These include:

• Addiction: The PSL is about as addictive as methamphetamine, having the potential to hook its users after one or two uses. However, unlike the aforementioned substance, a Pumpkin Spice Latte's euphoric sensations only last for a few minutes after consumption: this leads to some people drinking multiple of the pumpkin-flavored drink in a short span of time, which can lead to bone degradation, similarly to tooth decay from the consumption of chalk.
• Caffeine overdose: this is one of the primary dangers of Pumpkin Spice Lattes. The excessive consumption of the drug, which is often induced by addiction, can cause bone degradation (as aforementioned), and can prevent one from huffing kittens efficiently and effectively.
• Carpal tunnel syndrome: Induced by the addition of ginger, this makes it easy for customers to spill drinks on the bus or on the sidewalk, and makes baristas misspell their customers' names overly frequently.
• Insomnia: Caused by the use of cinnamon within the mixture of drugs. Relatively common.
• The possibility of becoming female, if consumed sufficiently frequently. (Only applies to men)
• Whitening of the skin. Caused by excessive drinking.
• Death, if consumed in a sufficiently high quantity. However, this is unlikely unless one has an allergy to one of the many drugs used.

As inspiration for other drugs

The Pumpkin Spice Latte served as inspiration for various other drugs, thanks to its simple four-ingredient combination of addictive drugs. Various copycats sought to steal Starbucks' invention, yet have failed because of their inability to create the exact combination of drugs required in order to successfully cause addiction.

Notable addicts

• Cassie

See also

• Coffee
• Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy...
• Latte art
• Starbucks