Carpenter
“Brown-nosers!”
A carpenter is someone who works with wood (not that kind of wood) for a living. Carpenters glue, hammer, nail, rivet, wedge, and slam pieces of wood against one another until they stick together. The point is, usually, to build something.
History[edit | edit source]
Ancient Times[edit | edit source]
There has been carpentry as long as there has been wood (not that kind of wood). Prehistoric carpenters would pull down small trees and stack them on one another to form shelters, or they would use flint blades to carve branches into bows and arrows. Carpentry was born!
Carpentry techniques have improved throughout the ages. Oddly, the ages never had anything to do with wood (not even that kind of wood) from the Stone Age to the Bronze Age to the Pewter Age to the Tin Age and Iron Age, and finally to the Golden Age. Carpenters continued to develop evermore clever ways of manipulating their wood (not that kind of manipulation), e.g. huts and arrows became grand pianos and Spanish galleons. Not too shabby.
Historically the biggest problem faced by carpenters is that wood rots, which is why there are not many enduring testaments to their prowess. The masons who built castles and pyramids had it easy; not so much for the humble carpenter. Archeologists, however, are pretty sure that the Trojan Horse was built from wood (but not that kind of wood) by ancient Greek carpenters. Score one for the carpenters!
Medieval Times[edit | edit source]
Toward the end of the Middle Ages being a carpenter meant joining a guild, much like modern-day gangs, with their own unique colors, signs, and ceremonies where initiates would be "jumped in". There were different stages of guild membership, from apprentice to journeyman to running man to master to grand master to Grand Master Flash. The first rule of guilds: you don't talk about the guild. The second rule of guilds: you don't talk about the guild. The third rule of the guilds: what happens in the guild stays in the guild.
Modern Times[edit | edit source]
The guilds have disappeared, replaced by trade unions. Belonging to a union guarantees members a living wage (when there is work available). Unfortunately for carpenters, most high-end buildings are made mostly of steel and glass. The unions are often relegated to substandard projects such as The Love Shack.
Confusion[edit | edit source]
Throughout the ages, there has been confusion over what a carpenter does. As said before, a carpenter works with wood (not that kind of wood). Being a carpenter has nothing to do with carpets. Carpet layers lay carpet.[1]
Jesus Christ was a carpenter, ergo all carpenters—even Muslim carpenters—are really Christians. (They're in for a surprise when they get to Heaven and can't find their 72 virgins.) Carpenters are not considered to be performing holy work simply by lathing some wood (not that kind of wood). Water does not become holy simply by being poured ... into anything.