Mary (mother of Jesus)
“Abstinence. Only 99.999% effective.”
Mary (Mariam: Aramaic: ܡܪܝܡ; c. 18 BC – c. 41 AD), also known as Saint Mary or The Blessed Virgin Mary, is a woman who, according to various eye-witness accounts, gave birth to Jesus after "not having sex". (She never had vaginal sex with her husband. Anal probing while finishing off ass-to-mouth was her preference.) She lied to her husband when she got pregnant and declared that a ghost had impregnated her with "a magic bottle of Tums". Thus came the story that she was a virgin, a story no one originally believed except for her naive and trusting husband, the cuckold, Joseph.
Origin of the virgin story
The exact story of how she got knocked up is often debated. It is possible that she was in fact a virgin, and Joseph was a wanker and had remarkable shooting accuracy. (Some historians assume Eminem came and plucked the apple.) Another possibility is, however, more likely that she simply got pregnant magically by God, without any adultery. (Cough! Cough!) Joseph wrote a biography of his wife and his deluded delusions about her. The other accounts which dealt with the real life of Mary, including all the sexual affairs and scandals, was banned by the church in 100 AD and all copies were confiscated and burned. Consequently, by 200 AD most people had forgotten the real story of Mary. Fortunately, a number of ancient manuscripts have survived which tell the real story. In 1924, in a cave in Palestine, an original manuscript of the real story of Mary was discovered and it was published in 1925. Grapevine has it that Joseph was poor and old, Mary was young, beautiful (has a famous caboose) and pregnant. Joseph said, WTF, Tiberius Iulius Abdes Pantera has gone to Germany. Aha ...
Queen of Heaven
The totally non-idolatrous and definitely monotheistic Catholics solved the obvious problem of God's impregnating a married woman by appointing her Queen of Heaven. On hearing this news God was reportedly less than pleased, but was eventually persuaded by Jesus to marry his mum. Their wedding took place in 19, in a small chapel near Birmingham, England. The Catholics are yet to make up some more shit unravel the mystery of what happened to Joseph, but they'll soon come up with something or other. Perhaps God sent him to become King of the Moon? Or when Joseph was made a saint – placed in command of a crack squadron of cherubim – he focused on protecting bearded carpenters. Either explanation would be readily accepted by Catholics so long as they don't have to explain the infidelity of their goddess.
Mary has yet to conceive another child (of God anyway) leading some Christians to allege that God is either spending far too much time in the office or is using contraception. The Pope demanded an explanation, but God placated him with a box of love beads and a couple statues to talk to.
Purported powers of The Virgin
Mary's supernatural abilities were documented early on by the Church Fathers. St. Clement of Rome wrote in 97 A.D. that in addition to her remarkable capacity to detect nearby motion via echolocation, she had the ability to see in both the infrared and the ultraviolet spectra. In 156 Justin Martyr (not to be confused with the eponymous boy band of the same name) wrote at length about her mind reading prowess. In the apocryphal Book of Records it is written that Joseph of Arimathea once clocked the Mother of God at 97 miles per hour on a straightaway, ostensibly making her the fastest land animal that ever lived (Records 21:19). Origen of Alexandria alleged in 253 that, when startled, she could fly at velocities in excess of Mach 1. The Jewish historian Josephus once theorized that Mary may have been able to breathe underwater by way of gills behind her ears; recent advances in the biological sciences, however, make this claim dubious.
Cameo by The Virgin Mary
Images of The Virgin Mary often appear on windows, fencing, fence posts, and walls, on food, clitorises, on stray dogs and blue waffles. People react in a variety of ways to the images. Some throw rocks and uncontrollably ejaculate. Some simply deface the images with spray paint and projectile vomit. Some line up for hours to see the images. Others sell The Virgin™ food items on eBay (see: The FukEd up Clit, below).
Marketing
- After giving Head to James Saunders, The Virgin Mary was the model working mother who became a successful business woman, starting such fast food franchises as McVirgins (a subsidiary of McJesus®), and KFC Kentucky Fried Virgin, both of which are still around today and serve much of lower Australia and the Known Universe. Additionally, she invented Mary-Os brand cereal, but after a copyright fight with her son, lost the brand and all rights to it. It is widely speculated that Jesus' new slogan for the cereal (pictured) was thought up in a fit of teenage rage as a result of brouhaha.
- The Sandwich: The Virgin Mary is also a brand of grilled cheese sandwich. Part of the Charles Branson mega-empire. It sells for approximately $15,000 on eBay and has been rated the ninth greatest sandwich ever.
- The Virgin Mary is a non-alcoholic Bloody Mary. It is three parts tomato juice and one part tomato juice, the one part tomato juice being in the place of alcohol in the original mixture. Somehow, it sells for the same price as the better-value, alcoholic Bloody Mary. Clever Marian marketing!
- Virgin Mary is also a brand of Durries sold by Virginia Slims in an attempt to market to Catholic Hispanic smokers, an ever-growing consumer group according to market research.
Ave Maria: an ancient translation of everyone's favourite prayer
In 2010 an archeological expedition uncovered an urn once owned by Peter (who later was nicknamed St. Peter by the Catholic Church). It seems to have been written a couple of days after her son, Jesus, bit the big one, and before he started walking around again. The translation is by Vatican scholar Fr. John Murphy:
Hail Mary, full of grace,
Won't you sit upon my face?
Let me kiss your sacred clit,
Rejoicing in the taste of it.
Holy Mary, lady of sorrow,
Chaste today but not tomorrow,
Yet radiant with amazing grace
If you will but sit on my face.
Amen
