Worst 100 Cartman Wannabes of All Time
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Throughout history, many have tried to carry the torch of the legendary Eric Theodore Cartman, but they all failed except for Judas Iscariot and Glenn Beck. The following list includes some of the most notable failures in this area.
The List[edit | edit source]
- 100. Evil Cartman
- Comes from an evil parallel universe and almost gets to replace the regular good Cartman. He's basically Kyle's dad minus the Jew Beanie - he loves Kyle, has a beard and looks innocent yet always tries to Jew you over.
- 99. Archie Bunker
- Used to call Rob Reiner "Meathead", whereas Cartman killed Reiner with a fork. Not much competition there.
- 98. Homer Simpson
- Bart never respects his authoriD'oh! On the other hand, Bart helped Cartman in "Cartoon Wars".
- 97. Maurice Minnifield
- The Cartman from the Jewish show Northern Exposure. He hates hippies and lives in a snowy town, but his show is much too Jewish for the American eye.
- 96. Newman
- The Cartman from the gentile show Seinfeld. You decide which is funnier.
- Exzibit A:
- Newman: "Hello, Jerry."
- Jerry: "Hello, Newman."
- Exzibit B:
- Kyle: "Draw two cards, fat-ass."
- Cartman: "Reverse to you, Jew."
- 95. Fat Bastard
- Mike Myers's best character. Not unlike the original Cartman, he is an effective Sumo fighter, yet he always eats all the dwarves instead of making fun of them.
- 94. Tony Soprano
- His mum never called him "Poopiekins". Not even in that episode where she looked like a corpse on a stick.
- 93. Gregory House
- Honorary mention, he's too thin anyway. Plus Cartman would finish all the vicodin in the hospital before the 2nd episose.
- 92. Andy Sipowicz
- What are you, a gay fish? Polacks aren't that funny.
- 91. Alf
- No Alf, that's a bad Alf! That's my Mr. Kitty!
- 90. William Murderface
- Unlike Cartman, he can't sing. Plus he loves Pickles.
- 89. The Notorious B.I.G.
- He did sell lots of crack as a kid, but never to his own mum.
- 88. Tad Doyle
- The bad boy of Grunge. His first album's title was "God's Balls" and he was sued by Pepsi. No one out of Seattle ever heard of him, and there's no wall in Iraq with his picture on it.
- 86. Mimi Bobeck
- Drew Carey took her job!
- 85. Vic Mackey
- Mr. Mackey's evil bad ass twin from the evil parallel universe. He never calls his mum when someone punches him.
- 83. Tony Clifton
- No one knows if redirecting him to Andy Kaufman is funny or not, kind of like The Coon. Makes you feel like you blew a funny fuse.
- 82. Diego Armando Maradona
- AKA Señor Cartmenez. He scored a goal with his hand. Try giving a handjob to Ben Affleck.
- 81. Michael Moore
- Moore won the Golden Palm Award for being able to masturbate all his life without hair growing on the palm of his hand. He's also a no-good suicide bomber hippie.
- 80. Ariel Sharon
- One of the most controversial Jewish Kings, this guy plotted the murdering of 2 entire camps of hippies in Lebanon in the early 1980s. He's actually the only Jew on this list.
- 79-73. The Klumps + Rasputia Latimore
- Eddie Murphy's career died with a huge fart, exactly like Chef.
- 72. John Goodman
- The Cartman of Roseanne and the Coen Brothers, part of a Jewish conspiracy to make Cartman appear as a supporting character.
- 71. Yokozuna
- Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. Bad Irene would abort him straight back to Samoa.
- 70. Augustus Gloop
- The fat kid who got to feel the awesome suction abilities of Michael Jackson's pipe. Michael was actually Cartman's best friend in real life.
- 69. Precious: Based on the True Story of Oprah "Gail" Winfrey
- Cartman would never live in the ghetto. It smells like Kenny's house in there.
- 68. Pugsley Addams
- If Wednesday ever tried to kill Cartman, he'd be like: Hey! Stop making me dress up like #69 and lick your butthole while you're sixty-nining Uncle Fester on my father's bed!
- 67. Dennis the Menace
- This dude is always tormenting his hapless next-door neighbor, Mr. Wilson, and also always manages to save the day. Sounds more like #93, and he's too thin anyway.
- 66. Miss Piggy
- Screw you guys, I'm going home.
- 65. Dennis Miller
“I am not corpulent, I am genetically big-boned. The last guy to be that corpulent was William Howard Taft eating a chili dog while Nero practiced his fiddle!”
- Dennis Miller isn't fat, but he does talk about World War II a lot. Think about that.
- 64. The Martian
- (foe of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, believe it or not he was quite chunky for a martian) I will conquer Earth and if you get in my way I will blast you with my raygun!
- 63. Smeagal (you can call me Gollum)
- Nobody touches my precious.(Poor guy lost a lot of weight living in a cave)
- 62. Boss Hogg
- I'm in charge around here (a lot like respect my athority). Roscoe get those darn Duke boys. Ennis go get me some ribs ...and some coldslaw ...and hushpuppies ...and a fried chicken.
- 61. Dr. Miguelito Loveless
- I may be small of stature but my mind is gigantic. He may not have Cartman's weight but he was a brilliant bad guy who could hold his own against James West (the James Bond of the old west).
- 60. Jabba the Hutt
- Bring me Solo and the Wookie!! ....and some cheezy poofs.
- 59. Danny DeVito
- Just about any role he's played makes him overqualified. He met his wife while spitting on swans.
- 58. Your Mom
- Seriously, just seriously... she sucks at being Cartman.
- 57. Elvis Presley
- Elvis stole the perfect Cartman song... "Way Down". It was his last single.
- 1. People who FUCKING TRY TO VOICE HIM, (possibly You) the annoying pricks...