HowTo:Get Someone's Attention

A common method, known as "dressing up like a large avian", demonstrated here.

Let's say you're at a party (or somesuch social gathering) and your friend/relative is deep in an involved conversation with someone else. Isn't that just annoying? We all know the polite thing to do is wait, but why wait when you can get his/her attention now? Or what if you're at a bar and you spot an attractive woman whose attention you direly want to get?

But there is no perfect way to do get someone's attention. It all requires a matter of circumstance evaluation and risk assessment. All methods of doing so carry a risk of violent retaliation. Use at your own risk.

Audial Clues

• Interrupting — Have you no etiquette? DON'T DO THIS—JUST DON'T!

• Coughing — Rarely works, unless it's accompanied by blood or asthma.

• Announcement — Usually done in the form of a question with other details. For example, at a large dinner party, and individual might stand up, thus making him/herself taller than those sitting down, immediately focusing attention onto themselves. This is usually followed by a loud, "May I have everyone's attention?" or "SETTLE THE FUCK DOWN OR I'LL END YOU!" and light tapping of silverware to a glass.

General Body Language

• The Potty Dance — Annoying, but mild enough for the other person to be unable get away with hitting you. Only workable if you're under seven years old.

Hand Signs

All hand signs should be used while repeating, "Hey, [name]. [Name]. Hey, hey [name]," over and over again.

• One-fingered hassle — The most basic form of incessant poking. The shoulder is best for rapid poking, but the armpit and other sensitive areas can also be targeted for singular pokes.

• Two-fingered hassle — Similar to the one-fingered poke, although using two fingers doubles the strength of the poke, allowing you to poke longer and harder without sore fingers.

• Full-palm hassle — Ah, the dreaded full-palmed push. It always works. Even a single use definitely gets the other person's attention. ...though the attention may come in the form of a boot to the head.

Criminal Activity

• Streaking — Guaranteed to get everyone's attention, although it isn't considered very tasteful, especially if the streaker (you) isn't very attractive. Not particularly useful in nudist colonies.