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Charlie Kirk was a right-wing political activist, master(de)bater, possessor of the world's largest non-equine set of gums, and penitent God-fearer. He was best known for being a follower of Christ, having a perfectly proportioned smile, and for founding Turning Point USA, a conservative advocacy group which sought to bridge the political divide wrecking our nation by browbeating and clip-farming America's most retarded liberals for social media clout. His viral debate clips garnered tens of millions of views, and his staunch defense of pro-life, pro-gun, and pro-America viewpoints earned him comparisons to the inimitable William F. Buckley Jr., minus the part where he was a closeted homosexual. An ardent supporter of President Donald Trump, he dedicated his life to spreading the Judeo-Christian values of free expression, America First, and branded hat salesmanship. (Full article...)
- Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
- Starmer unveils new digital ID cards to help further monitor citizens' pornography intake (Pictured)
- BoJo and Co. politely ask Nigel Farage to stop lifting children
- Florida Man found guilty of attacking Trump "as an alligator", sent to Alligator Alcatraz
- Omaha man's order of salmon sliders indistinguishable from salmon burgers
- Charlie Kirk gets l+ratio'd during a speech in Utah
- Sheeranism officially legalised in Yankeeland
- Angela Rayner defects to Reform UK
- Hollow Knight: Silksong gets released; Steam crashes for the second time this year
- Some mega pop star and her football player boyfriend get engaged. Yaaay.
- NFL teams replace female cheerleaders with gay dudes
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine and Israel-Hamas "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C.
Recent deaths: Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated 4K Director's Cut • Trump's pet sloth • Joe Burrow's toe • Robert Redford • Baltimore Ravens' morale • The U.S. Federal Government • Jane Goodall • The Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane Keaton
Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly and Bryan Kohberger • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Cowboys', Bengals' and Ravens' season • MSNBC • Lil Nas X • Donald Trump • Windows 10 • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Sanchez's career and freedom
October 13: International Paranoia Day
- 1792 - Cornerstone laid for the White House. Who lays stones? Masons. What organization did the masons start? Freemasons. Do I need to spell the rest out for you people?
- 1835 - Nothing of historical significance happened on this day in history... or so the Illuminati would have us believe.
- 1955 - The. U.S. Government does not begin top secret operations at Area 51 (wink wink).
- 1974 - TV personality Ed Sullivan passes away due to "natural causes". And just like that, the Jews are one step closer to global domination.
- 2000 - Preparations for the 9-11 attacks are begun by agents of the United Nations, the Jews, the CIA, and the Vatican.
- 2025 - Nothing apocalyptic will happen... or will it?
Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.
Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."
Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.
In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)
Featured today a long time ago
- Jimbo Wales, featured on 13 October 2020: Featured version
- Comic Sans, featured on 13 October 2016: Featured version
- Aries, featured on 13 October 2014: Featured version
- Why?:Am I Frozen in Carbonite?, featured on 13 October 2013: Featured version
- This is not Sparta, featured on 13 October 2011: Featured version
Recent articles
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- G.I. Jane 2
- UnTunes:Santa Baby
- This is not an Article, it's a Sandwich
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- Urban Dictionary
Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism. Image credit: Thetoastman |
- ... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)
- ... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
- ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
- ... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
- ... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
- ... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
- ... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
- ... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
- ... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
- ... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
- ... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
- ... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur
Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.
It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)
HowTo:Write the Great American Novel
The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.
Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.
This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)
Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys
Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"
Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.
But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)
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