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*gets classical music mp3*


*ahem*... 3... 2... 1...

After gaslighting their followers that the non-existent country of France was a real place, and after stating that Jeffrey Epstein was "my best friend", this horrid Uncyclopedian user has earned their place as one of the most hated Uncyclopedians on the site. It eventually went way deeper than these surface-level facts, however, as it has been revealed that Gergdown has had a secret history of lying, pedophilia, and even more. These events have escalated so much, that recently, L10nM4st3r has deleted their Discord account, and alongside it, have left the Uncyclopedian Discord server. So how did this story occur? (Full article...)

In the news
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One simply cannot piss until he scans this.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • Pregnant moms taking Tylenol to give their babies "autism powers" • Democrats and Republicans throwing hissy fits in D.C.

Recent deaths: Trump's pet slothRobert RedfordU.S. Federal GovernmentJane GoodallThe Yankees' World Series dreams • Diane KeatonGaza WarDrew StruzanWindows 10D'AngeloYouTube player's old design

Upcoming deaths: DEIIran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBCDonald Trump • Aforementioned Tylenol moms • Mark Butt-fumble's career and freedom

On this day in history
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October 17: International Take a Sojourn Day

Featured biography
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Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

Did You Know?
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  • ... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
  • ... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
  • ... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
  • ... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
  • ... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
  • ... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
  • ... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
  • ... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
  • ... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
  • ... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
  • ... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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