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Today's featured article

Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • Jesus

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)

3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took $\pi$ years to eat.
1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
1503 - Disneyland Central America opens in the Aztec city of Tenochtitlan.
1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember. (Pictured)
2001 - The butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Wheeling Jesuit University, featured on 4 April 2025: Featured version
UnNews:Nintendo Puu to be released, featured on 4 April 2013: Featured version
UnNews:Bruce Springsteen recording of "Tick Tock" surfaces, featured on 4 April 2012: Featured version
UnBooks:Zombiebaron's Adventure To Asia, featured on 4 April 2011: Featured version
The Radio Star Murder, featured on 4 April 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured April 4

Picture of the day

Symphonia, the Greek goddess of rock (Opera in Roman mythology) was one of the lesser goddesses born to Tethys and Oceanus. She is said to bless those who truly appreciate "a killer riff" by turning herself into a sculpture made out of stone (it is assumed marble). She is considered a lesser goddess because this happened only once.

Image credit: Zombiebaron
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Did You Know?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that you've just lost the game?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that St. Peter's Basilica is a large reptilian creature with breath of fire and a gaze that can turn people into stone?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?

... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?

... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that this in not a DYK entry?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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