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The People's Republic of China is a pivotal support mechanism for the retail industry worldwide, although some believe they may have their own agenda.
China is populated by perhaps the most resourceful hardworking people on Earth, yet despite some of the strictest social engineering known to man, the Chinese still hog all the best quality crab legs in the buffet rather than waiting in an orderly line. Chinese moms force their babies to play violin until their fingers bleed; the dumb ones learn viola instead. Also, they put a fuck-ton of MSG in their food, which is actually pretty tasty.
Everything was invented in China, including gunpowder, paper, the compass, opium, pandas, panda-huffing devices, avian flu, SARS, bat recipes, COVID-19, USA's debt, Amazon Prime and CCTV; you name it, they invented it before anyone else. They also invented rhino horn aphrodisiac powder, Confucianism (a severely autistic, highly regimented version of Filial Piety), kidney harvesting and the Wu Tang Clan. While they didn't invent babies, they do mass produce them deep inside the VaChina. Bada bing! The male babies are then sent to work producing industrial glycine, and the female ones are sent to the streaming mines to post pirated clips of TV shows, except the captions are wrong and the video gets horizontally flipped every 2.7 seconds. (Full article...)
- The UK to ban the resale of tickets
- Bill passed in Pennsylvania to legalise flying cars because why the fuck not?
- Trump kills the penny after realizing spending four cents on a one cent coin isn't the best idea
- Russian AI powered humanoid robot faceplants on stage in front of crowd
- Syrian National Museum gets robbed of six to seven Roman statues
- Cloudy windy Hurricane Melissa hits da Jamaica, mon! BOMBOCLAAT!
- United Kingdom sends Royal Airforce “specialists” to Belgium to fight Russian drones “invading” airports
- A new candidate enters the upcoming 2028 presidential race
- US government shitdown ends after over 1000 flights inundated with shit
- New York City goes full Commie, elects Zohran Mamdani as mayor
- Los Angeles Dodgers win World Series with lucky bullshit, become the Kansas City Chiefs of baseball
- Dingo eats a woman's baby
- Interview: A Brief Chat About Uncyclopedia with Uncyclopedian and Lucky star.
- Indy police: former NFL quarterback Mark Sanchez literally butt-fumbles in real life
- Trump receives COVID vaccine despite supporters making their entire personalities being against it for years
- The US government shits itself
Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 and Spaceballs 2 • Russia-Ukraine "peace talks" • ICE/Antifa clashes • Trump and Elon's couples therapy • Jerry Jones screwing the Dallas Cowboys • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing "Mamdani the Commie" • Larry Sanger trying to kill Wikipedia
Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • the guitarist and a security guard from KISS • June Lockhart • Nick Mangold • Jamaica • Toronto Blue Jays' World Series dreams • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • Mark Butt-fumble's TV career • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny • Bruce Willis
Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • Coral reefs • NYC's capitalistic economy • Bills Mafia's livers and kidneys after losing horribly to the Miami Dolphins • Weed • Stranger Things
November 18: Constantly Hum the William Tell Overture Day, World Kool-Aid Day
- 1307 - William Tell (pictured) shoots an apple off his son's head. What they don't tell in the history books is that before this day, Tell had thirteen other children.
- 1626 - Due to an unfortunate typo, St. Peter's Basilica is accidentally desecrated instead of consecrated.
- 1978 - Jonestown incident: In Guyana, Jim Jones leads his People's Temple cult in a mass murder-suicide that claims 918 lives, leading Kool-Aid to revoke their sponsorship of Jones.
- 2001 - The Nintendo GameCube was released. It sells considerably better than the Nintendo Hypercube, which requires users to push buttons in four dimensions.
- 2009 - Spongebob Square pants attempts to try on round pants. The resulting wedgie places him in a 2 month long coma.
Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.
As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.
Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.
Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)
Featured today a long time ago
- Trump vs. Biden, featured on 18 November 2024: Featured version
- UnNews:Canadian women must now wear horns, featured on 18 November 2013: Featured version
- UnRecipe:Crunchy Beaver with Pine Gum Coulis, featured on 18 November 2012: Featured version
- The only way to success, featured on 18 November 2011: Featured version
- Glenn Beck, featured on 18 November 2010: Featured version
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| DJ Beathoven was one of the early pioneers of dubstep. He is known for the unique wubwubwubwubwubwubwubwub sound of his music. Image credit: Zombiebaron |
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- ... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
- ... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
- ...that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
- ... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
- ... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
- ... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
- ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
- ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
- ... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
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- ... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur
Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.
It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)
HowTo:Write the Great American Novel
The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.
Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.
This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)
Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys
Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"
Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.
But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)
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