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Today's featured article
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Admiral Allahu Timothy Ackbar of the Rebel Alliance is a member of the Fried Calamari species. He is a favorite of Star Wars fans and Italian food fans, to the point that in many nations around the world, regions where Star Wars fans are the mind numbingly overwhelming majority (as y'all know), he is revered as the second most delicious god in the universe (behind the Flying Spaghetti Monster). Now retired, he enjoys habitually appearing in JPEG form on internet message boards to warn humans with his trademark phrase that a nearby pornographic image is not a chick, but rather a dude, and for that matter a very ugly one. This suits him just fine, as he is a prominent member of the Coalition of Very Ugly Dudes, and under poor lighting conditions his cranium has often been mistaken for a pair of monstrous testicles. (Full article...)

In the news
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"It's for the children's own good!"

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Superman and Super Dog's movie doing surprisingly well • Israel/Iran and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Bill Cosby's TV son • Bryan Kohberger's freedom • Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game • MAGA • Joe Biden's credibility • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates

On this day in history

August 9: Copy the Previous Day Day

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  • 69 - Roman festival of Repetitionalia inaugurated. Unfortunate for Emperor Nero, as he is murdered all over again. (pictured)
  • 1066 - England invaded successfully for the last time, all occupants are now immigrants except for the Cornish.
  • 1876 - Thomas Edison receives a mimeographed copy of a patent for his mimeograph.
  • 1945 - United States of America Military achieves its, as well as the world's, second ever 25 kill streak on the map of Nagasaki. Immediately, once again, uses the tactical nuke reward to win.
  • 1976 - I just said that!
  • 1980 - What are you...
  • 1982 - Stop repeating what I'm saying!
  • 1998 - Bill Murray commits suicide, leaves note reading "I can't handle this shit again"
  • 2004 - People start to realise that yesterday wasn't neccessarily "such hot shit after all".
  • 2005 - U.S. Government stuck for replacement festival, decide to re-instigate Copy The Previous Day Day. Again.
  • 2006 - Due to a printing error, calendars list today as "Copy the Previous Copy the Previous Day". Global panic ensues.
Featured biography
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Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Stained Glass Mr. T
 Mr. T is a beacon of hope in our cold and dark world.

Image credit: RadicalX
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)
  • ... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
  • ... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
  • ... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
  • ... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
  • ...that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
  • ...that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poopcock, everyone blows their minds?
  • ... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
  • ... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
  • ... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
  • ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
  • ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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