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Today's featured article
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I was sitting in my living room very late at night, watching The Christmas That Almost Wasn't. I knew the fat, jolly bastard would be arriving soon, and I would be waiting for him. I've been waiting for this moment for years ever since St. Dickolas gave me coal for Christmas four years in a row, despite my good behavior. I'll shove that stocking full of coal up his ass and show him how funny it is.

I was dozing off when I heard it. The sound I could recognize anywhere. The fat bastard's heavy stomps on my rooftop. It's showtime. I sprang up off of the couch and hid behind the Christmas tree. I stay there for a little bit when I hear a loud tumble and an audible "Ah, shit.. that hurt." The fat bastard had entered the point of no return. Of course the jolly prick went straight to the kitchen, where he helped himself to the milk and cookies I laid out. I put a small amount of laxative and LSD in the cookies. I'm also pretty sure he got into the liquor cabinet because I heard him say something about a "Mr. Jack Daniels," with glass clinking around. He laid the presents under the tree, I was so close to him I could smell the liquor and cookies on him. Somehow, he didn't see me.

Then he walks over to the stalking, I peek around the tree. I see the lump of coal in his hand.

No the fuck you don't. (Full article...)

In the news
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"He ah-no give me ah-good coverage!"

Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • NBA and NHL seasons • Athletes doing the "Trump Dance" • Bill Belichick going insane
Recent deaths: Rickey Henderson • Brian Thompson (United Healthcare CEO) • Democrat party • Diddy's career • The Eras Tour • Alabama football's championship bid • The white guy from The Mod Squad
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Bashar al-Assad • Diddy's freedom • Benjamin Netanyahu • Jay-Z's career and freedom • Kate Middleton • Aaron Rodgers' career

On this day in history
"Do I know you?"

December 22: Dead Meme Appreciation Day

  • 5000 BC(ish) - God plans to make perfect woman from an arm and a leg, Adam says "What can ya do with a rib?"
  • 600 BC - YHWH creates woman - twice
  • 0000 - The Blessed Mother Mary's contractions begin
  • 1000 - Spaghetti Monster creates sex.
  • 1231 - God creates Vaginal cancer to spite Spaghetti Monster.
  • 1337 - Counter-Strike is invented
  • 1589 - Japan announces the release of the Hello Kitty Vibrator.
  • 1666 - Manhattan is sold to the Knicks for 24 virgins, an extreme rarity in the area. They immediately re-sell it to Donald Trump.
  • 1923 - LSD is first manufactured, diarrhea of epic solar proportions ensues.
  • 1933 - William Butler Yeats is found dead in a bear cage at the local zoo.
  • 1954 - Film Actors Guild (FAG) is founded
  • 1974 - Gay men blame women for AIDS.
  • 1989 - The end of the world as we know it. Surprisingly, most people are either indifferent or quite fine about the whole thing.
  • 1989 - Pixies send Monkeys to Heaven, Anthony gives Cleopatra a crate of brown ale.
  • 1991 - Man loses his religion, but later finds he left it in the corner, silly man.
  • 2005 - Pussy flavored ice cream invented.
  • 2006 - World peace declared.
  • 2007 - England nukes Wales. Nobody cares.
  • 2012 - Everyone realizes they're not dead.
  • 3434 - Vin Diesel is cloned from one of his last remaining pubic hairs, discovered in Margaret Thatcher's vagina.
  • 5000 - Science descovers a "female orgasm", she was faking...
  • 2111 - New form of moe discovered, turns out to be the same kind of popular moe anime at the time, but with more robotic titties.
Featured biography
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Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Satan's Job
 Satan hates his job, too. You're not like Satan. Are you?

Image credit: RadicalX
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
  • ... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
  • ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
  • ... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
  • ... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
  • ... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
  • ...that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
  • ... that I am Batman?
  • ... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
  • ... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
  • ... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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