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Today's featured article
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This world is pretty messed up. You know that, right? We've got murderers walking the streets, paedophiles raping other paedophiles, kids stealing their friends' Pokémon cards to sell for drugs, then selling those drugs for even more Pokémon cards; it's a mess. If I had the supreme power, it would be different let me tell you. I'd sort things out. It would be a Utopia.

Well I guess the first thing I'd do is nuke a few of the more suspect countries: Iraq, Afghanistan, that sort of thing. The beardy countries mostly. I know it would like, kill millions of innocent civilians, children and animals but I just really want to get rid of the Taliban. And Al Qaeda. The extinction of a few desert lizards and the mutilation of a couple of kids is a small price to pay for world peace. I suppose if the non-terrorists want to flee the country before I drop the bomb, then that would be allowed. Just so long as they don't come and live over here. We've got enough immigrants already, thanks. (Full article...)

In the news
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Kim Kardashian gets ready for a facial

Ongoing: Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel-Hamas conflict • United States presidential election aftermath • NBA and NHL seasons • Athletes doing the "Trump dance"
Recent deaths: Quincy Jones • The Most Mysterious Song on the Internet • Democrat party • Tony Todd • The Dallas Cowboys' and New York Jets' seasons • Boxing
Upcoming deaths: Vladimir Putin • Kate Middleton • The Chicago Bears' and Cincinnati Bengals' playoff chances • Noam Chomsky • Google as a monopoly • Coldplay • Joe Biden • Donald Trump

On this day in history
Peaceful demonstration or failed invasion from space?

November 22: Conspiracy Theory Appreciation Day (not celebrated for some reason)

  • 1812 - Puzzle potato officially refound. Citizens everywhere rejoice.
  • 1963 - Absolutely nothing happened. You hear me? Nothing. If you heard otherwise, it's a filthy Communist lie.
  • 1968 - Stanley Kubrick begins secret filming of the moon landing.
  • 1983 - Largest tinfoil hat maker in the US is shut down - just as as a record number of "communications satellites" are sent into orbit by NASA.
  • 1997 - INXS lead singer Michael Hutchence debuts his hit single "Noose Sensation".
Featured biography
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Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Cthulhu's Vacation
 "Hey, guys! Where ya goin'? I'm all packed and... aaaww, shit, there goes the bus."

Image credit: Some user
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images


Did You Know?
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  • ... that your car is rolling down the driveway right now?
  • ... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
  • ... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
  • ... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
  • ... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
  • ... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
  • ... that there is one imposter among us?
  • ... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
  • ... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
  • ... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
  • ... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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