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Today's featured article

Ahhh. Long day of work over. Time to grab that big-ass bowl of vegetable beef barley soup in the fridge.

Bill, you better not have touched my soup again! Like that time you got so drunk you took a whiz in it. Twice. Come to think of it, it was shitty soup. That probably improved it. Not like this one.

Let's see, cake, milk, horse semen, ketchup, monkey, hair roller thingy, soup! Yes! My life is whole again!

Hold on...

Why is my hair roller in here?

Wait...

This horse semen tastes funny. Did you put your semen in here again, Bill?

Don't ask how I know what yours tastes like. We were drunk. Not my fault.

Just a minute...

WHY IS THERE A MONKEY IN MY FUCKING FRIDGE?!? (Full article...)

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In the news

CHJpdmF0ZS9sci9pbWFnZXMvd2Vic2l0ZS8yMDIyLTA1L2xvY2dvdHRsaWViMTI1MDEtaW1hZ2UuanBn.jpg

"Come! Come support my tacky AI website!"

Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (Pictured; this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • Winter Olympics • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Lindsay Vonn's leg • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • McSteamy from Grey's Anatomy (if you're Gen X) or the dad from Euphoria (if you're a Millennial or Gen Z) • Melania Trump's big movie star career

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Aaron Rodgers' career • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files (cough cough Bill and Hillary Clinton) • Travis Kelce • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to care about

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 22: International Day of Spam

1996 - Need money quick? Need money now? Get a Payday Loan today! It's not like you have a choice you poor piece of shit haha.
1998 - Got bills you need to pay? Some student loans looming overhead? Donate some plasma to literal blood-sucking capitalists.
1999 - There are hot singles in your area! I don't think you can do anything with that information, I just wanted to tell you.
2001 - Retro fans! Buy a complete box set of every movie and television series released during the 1980s, only $25,999.99! comes in fourteen trucks.
2005 - Buy the last 49,367 Blu-ray discs of Peter Jackson's opus King Kong, I don't know use it as tinsel it's starting to leak chemicals.
2011 - Look like your best self, buy our signature collection of foundation and concealer, made from the ground up bones of the long extinct sea cow.

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Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

UnNews:Michael Bay's guide to public speaking, featured on 22 February 2014: Featured version
HowTo:Be Happy, featured on 22 February 2012: Featured version
Un-British Activities, featured on 22 February 2011: Featured version
UnNews:Genocide in Darfur Ends, featured on 22 February 2010: Featured version
Marie Curie, featured on 22 February 2008: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 22

Picture of the day

NEW! Individual wrappings prevent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Image credit: MoneySign
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Did You Know?

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... tennis isn't just a game?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?

... that ‪Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?

... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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