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Today's featured article
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Obscurantism, or the intercontextuality of embodied narratives, is a device liberally used in philosophy and in most forms of Japanese-queer-giraffe epistemologies. Such investigations including the deeper inspection of how The Golden Girls pioneered the dichotomy of aborting penguin fetuses before a traditionalist view of gestation periods. Obscurantism is the driving engine behind on how straight white men ruin everything by their lack of intercontextuality and alienation of ripe unwashed gym bags that emanate a man stink so strong no one can make sense out of anything, which is why so few dare engage its profundity or survive the process.(Full article...)

In the news
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Ongoing: Eurovision • The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, and Deltarune • Russian Invasion • Israel-Palestine conflict • DOGE budget cuts • Trump and Xi's tariff games • The IRS hunting late tax payers

Recent deaths: Girl-kisser and Harriet the Spy soundtrack artist Jill Sobule • Ruth Buzzi • LeBron James' playoff run • Night Court • Lopez vs Lopez • Jayson Tatum's Achilles and Boston Celtics' repeat hopes • George Wendt • Updates for Mortal Kombat 1

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Google's ad monopoly • Cleveland Browns' locker room • LeBron James' career • Diddy's and Chris Brown's chances at freedom • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen

On this day in history
"Get thee behind me Bacon!"

May 25: National Pork Products Day (Israel)

  • 2403 BC - Moses opens first Piggly Wiggly with the goal of "Bringin' Chitterlings to all my Peeps!"
  • 1029 - The Black Plague makes its first appearance in a small gig in Eastern Indonesia.
  • 1492 - Christopher Columbus realizes that he forgot his wallet back in Spain.
  • 1936 - Hitler starts the Funky Panzer dance craze, which takes Europe by storm.
  • 1942 - Seventh-Day Adventists announces that the end of the world postponed once again due to rain.
  • 2003 - Governments across the globe disband to give public servants much needed break.
  • 2015 - Lin-Manuel Miranda tries beatboxing his way out of buying a Snickers bar at a Los Angeles 7-11, when questioned by police, Miranda claimed he was "young, scrappy and hungry."
  • 1643 - In a bold attempt to improve workplace morale, the entire crew of a Dutch merchant ship simultaneously starts speaking only in pirate slang for the day, leading to widespread confusion and several minor navigational errors.
  • 2025 - You don't notice an annoying itch hidden behind your subconscious until this sentence reminds you of it.
Featured biography
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Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
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 Chairman Meow

Image credit: Socky
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
  • ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
  • ... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
  • ... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
  • ... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?
  • ... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
  • ... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
  • ... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
  • ...that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
  • ... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
  • ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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