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Steam

Today's featured article

Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

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In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 15: Julius Caesar's Deathday

44 BC - Julius Caesar is stabbed to death by a conspiracy of the Roman Senate, his last words: "Oww Jesus fuck!" (Pictured)
1493 - Christopher Columbus returns to Spain after his first voyage to the New World. "What's that blood in your shoe?" asks Queen Isabella.
1917 - Tsar Nicholas II abdicates his throne, hopes to retire to a nice dingy basement with the rest of his family.
1952 - During a performance of 4'33", composer John Cage is heckled by the audience as a pretentious, lazy gasbag. Their heckling by definition becomes part of 4'33", and therefore a meta-commentary on itself: Cage is hailed as a creative genius.
1965 - President Lyndon B. Johnson advocates the Voting Rights Act as part of a fiendish Marxist ploy to get non-white people to vote and stuff.
2000 - Y2K doomsayers are just about ready to confess that they were mistaken, until they hear about the sexy new year of 2012.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

UnNews:Turner Classic Movies presents The Happy Coon, featured on 15 March 2021: Featured version
UnNews:Scientists "discover" new fossils, featured on 15 March 2013: Featured version
The toaster in Pulp Fiction, featured on 15 March 2012: Featured version
Mike Tyson, featured on 15 March 2011: Featured version
Chris Rock, featured on 15 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 15

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?

... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)

... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that you actually didn't know?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?

... that Sigmund Freud told me he slept with your mother last night? (Pictured)

... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that Rihanna's hit song Umbrella can cause rain to fall upwards?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?

... that the WWF is the only "sports entertainment" organization endorsed by PETA and Greenpeace? (Pictured)

... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?

... that Hans Helmuth Saltzman's collection of Camera Obscura images is the best preserved of the Renaissance era? (Pictured)

... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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