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We have 40,293 articles in English
Today's featured article
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There is nothing wrong with your computer screen. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. I am controlling transmission. If I wish to make it louder, I will bring up the volume. If I wish to make it softer, I will tune it to a whisper. I control the horizontal. I control the vertical. I can roll the image, make it flutter. I can change the focus to a soft blur or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next three decades, sit quietly and I will control all that you see and hear. I repeat: there is nothing wrong with your computer screen. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery which reaches from the inner mind to Zombiebaron. (Full article...)

In the news
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Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, TAWOG, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Animal-related live-action remakes kicking Snow White's ass • Jaws 50th anniversary • Colorado Rockies game replacing Jaws airing • Israel/Iran "peace talks" • Pittsburgh Steelers adding old players way past their prime • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk)

Recent deaths: Ariana Grande's Nonna • Canadian team's bid to win the Stanley Cup, again • PF4Eva's headphone cable • Jimmy Swaggart • Diddy's freedom for only 20 years • Michael Madsen • Diogo Jota • Texas flood victims

Upcoming deaths: DEI • Tom Cruise's career of sprinting on-screen • Pittsburgh Steelers' locker room • Greta Thunberg? • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Oil prices • Dumbasses with fireworks in their backyards • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The asshats who spoiled Squid Game

On this day in history
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July 12: Feast of Peter and Paul (Catholic Church), Feast of a Thousand Lasagnas (Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster) (pictured)

  • 1870 – In the midst of high school, and without the convenience of LiveJournal, Oscar Wilde expresses his angst and sorrow by composing the poems Poems.
  • 1917 – The The Bisbee Deportation occurs as vigilantes kidnap and deport nearly 1,300 minors from Bisbee, Arizona. The children are forced to wander the Arizona desert in search of shelter and sustinence.
  • 1993 – The sale of Chex Mix is officially banned in the United States after disturbing trends regarding improper usage come to light.
  • 1998 – Icelandic megastar Björk is arrested for allegedly causing several thousand dollars worth of damage to an Icelandic bed and breakfast. She is later acquitted after testifying "I am the round and the square, the ocean is sea."
  • 2004 – Harold And Kumar finally make it to White Castle.
  • 2008 – The United States Presidential race heats up, as Senator John McCain reveals his platform and begins intensive campaigning.
Featured biography
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Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
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Image credit: DaMenace
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
  • ... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
  • ... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
  • ...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
  • ... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
  • ... that torture is better to give than to receive?
  • ... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
  • ... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
  • ... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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