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Today's featured article
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Fuck Around and Find Out, often abbreviated to FAFO, is a philosophy often used by parents, teachers and scholars worldwide to explain why a person may suddenly find out they have a boot solidly lodged 14 inches into their rectum. It is mainly used on children whose sense of entitlement and petulance has reached a breaking point and their parents feel that talking won't work and grounding will make fuck all of a difference. The kid fucked around, the kid then found out. They didn't quite realize they were finding out right away because before awareness of said boot up their ass sent in, their head was being whacked so hard by rolled up newspaper their brain shifted and the boot in anus processed 0.5 seconds later. Eventually they all find out, even if it is delayed by a minor concussion. (Full article...)

In the news
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Take that, Betty White!

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Stranger Things 5 volume 2 and Spaceballs 2 • The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince • Rich New Yorkers fleeing Mamdanistan • Larry Sanger's war on Wikipedia • The New England Patriots barely beating crappy opponents • Mike Tomlin screwing the Pittsburgh Steelers • Giants fans hiding in a corner • Non-Bears invading Tennessee

Recent deaths: YouTube player's old design • Donna Godchaux • Diane Ladd • Dick Cheney • U.S. Government shutdown (finally!) • Tatsuya Nakadai • Sally Kirkland • The penny • Udo Kier • Jimmy Cliff • Warner Bros. • Sheen Estevez • Chet Ubetcha • Doug Dimmadome • Zed's dead, baby (He was also the bad guy in The Mask) • Animal Farm

Upcoming deaths: Eurovision Song Contest • DEI • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account • MSNBC • Donald Trump • NYC's economy • Chiefs Kingdom's and Ravens Flock's livers and kidneys after falling to 6-7 • Weed • 67% of people trying to understand why 6 of 7 news stories mention "6-7" • The MetroCard • Dick van Dyke, eventually

On this day in history
This is so cliché

December 14: World Cliché Day

  • Long Long Ago - Some French guy misplaced his patent for creating the English language.
  • 1735 - Pie was discovered
  • 1911 - Welsh explorer Roald Dahl and his team become the first people to reach the Giant Peach.
  • 1929 - Hitler realizes he has very little time to finish his Christmas shopping, and subsequently freaks out while in line at Wal-Mart. Chaos ensues.
  • 1991 - Scientists first start working on Packaged Bread Without Crust™. For the next 10 years they will go to countless parties with other scientists and feel like they are working to find the cure for cancer.
  • 1992 - It was discovered that Bart Simpson ate my shorts.
  • 2000 - George W. Bush receives his first gay blowjob. In return for the favor, George W. Bush and his government maintain a very friendly line towards homosexuals.
  • 2001 - 10 years in the making, Packaged Bread Without Crust™ is finally introduced as a prototype to the Bimbo company.
  • 2004 The Kitten army begins to prepare for their mass masturbation strike for 25 December during the Human vs. Kitten War. Strike kills 250,000+ humans.
  • 2004 Post it notes claimed another victim in Paris. Rioting ensues. The PostIt-note war began.
  • Today - The first day of the rest of your life.
  • Tomorrow - Another day.
  • The Day After Tomorrow - It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)
  • 2101 War was beginning...
Featured biography
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Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

Picture of the day
ASBOWAAT: Garfielf Edition
 Jo(h)n is far from able to grasp the grim reality.

Image credit: OPOSSUM, Alula, DaniPine3, L10nM4st3r, as well as YouTube’s PilotRedSun, whose video inspired this image.
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?
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  • ... that grave robbing accounts for 1/3 of the average Romanian yearly income? (Pictured)
  • ... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
  • ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
  • ... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
  • ... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
  • ... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
  • ... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
  • ... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
  • ... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
  • ... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
  • ... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
  • ... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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