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Today's featured article

Dead Dicks, besides being the enduring legacy of mythomaniacal former U.S. Presidents, Lyndon Baines Johnson and "Tricky Dick" Nixon, are also a numerical unit of one in Vietnam War "grunt-speak." The term was first used to describe a war stiff reported by the Vietnamese and American governments during the "body count" game. "Body-count" was a ghastly, albeit highly rated televised sport notorious for being imposed on the citizens of Vietnam and America by the captains of both teams. Essentially a dead dick is the complete opposite of a live dick, also known in Vietnam as a "Swinging Dick." From the onset both sides of the conflict agreed via negotiations that "the only good dick is a dead one." Accordingly the scoring system came into play and the game was once again a-foot. (Full article...)

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In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Privacy-infringing Nanny state officials enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran

Recent deaths: Team Canada's pride • Some nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran

Undetermined: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

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On this day in history

March 7: Talk Like Caveman Day

11,000 BC - Grog think very hard and make up number coming after two, called like "tree" but dumb: Grog pummeled with many rock for wasting everybody's time.
9800 BC - All the mammoths are burned to death by Grog, his friends pelt him with poop since they have no food, but now there is no poop to eat either.
2580 BC - Grog's best friend Enkidu seduced by city-slicker propaganda, play dress up as civilized instead of sucking on rocks and eating bugs like good old days.
2500 BC - Grog sandboards down the slope of the Pyramids, is detained and put on cave arrest.
1309 AD - Grog is happy and healthy in cave, while stupid civilized people die of Cholera and Plague, at least until Grog eat juicy rat.
1995 - Unabomber say modern gizmos bad for soul of humanity, but Grog have smelly green leg and must punch antelope to death everyday for breakfast so what does he know.

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Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Dead Dicks, featured on 7 March 2012: Featured version
Rich guys who blow all their money on expensive whores, featured on 7 March 2011: Featured version
UnNews:French philosopher cites fictional characters in new book, is considered laughingstock, featured on 7 March 2010: Featured version
21st Century Nazis, featured on 7 March 2009: Featured version
UnBooks:The True Story of: Jimmy and the aliens; based on a true story, featured on 7 March 2008: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 7

Picture of the day

In Full Metal Jacket, a U.S. Marine observes the dehumanizing effects jacket potatoes have on his fellow Marine recruits from peeling them in basic training to the brutal food fights in Vietnam.

Image credit: Olipro, Severian
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Did You Know?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... the muffin man?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.

... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio?

... that creating an account comes with a 50% higher chance of leaving of Uncycloland alive?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?

... that Gerry Adams IS the Lord of the Dance? (Pictured)

... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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