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Today's featured article

Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season, choked away at the last moment

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

They're all dead now. It's an old picture.

April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

1111 - The Knights Templar are formed as a clandestine drinking society, take things a little too far.
1942 - Classic arcade title 1942 developed as shoot 'em up, rights to year are purchased by Capcom, to the chagrin of some cranky veterans.
1983 - Science is invented by accident, and is quickly swept under the carpet.
1984 - Miniluv put crimethink proles into fridge, remake them goodthink fullwise.
2001 - The mailman bangs your mom, but she's her own person, you can't control who she loves.
2002 - The U.S. Kitten Embargo begins as part of The War Against Terror (Pictured), countless Iraqi kittens deported.
2012 - The number two renamed second one.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Tenet (film), featured on 2 April 2025: Featured version
Kitten Vaping, featured on 2 April 2021: Featured version
People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata, featured on 2 April 2017: Featured version
Get-rich-quick scheme, featured on 2 April 2013: Featured version
Bass, featured on 2 April 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured April 2

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?

... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)

... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that the packets of silica gel that say "DO NOT EAT" are actually delicious?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the White House is really off-white?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that in order to complete the video game World of Warcraft, over one cubic mile of animals must be clicked?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that nobody asked?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... that nobody asked?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that gender is a scam invented in 1825 to sell more bathrooms?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?

... that Sigmund Freud told me he slept with your mother last night? (Pictured)

... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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