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Today's featured article

Reformed Orthodox Rabbi William "Bill" Clinton (born August 19, 1946) is an American politician, former childcare worker, former amateur saxophonist, and swingin' bachelor. As the 42nd President of the United States, and the horniest man to hold that position since JFK, he led America through the economic golden age of the '90s.

Clinton is famous for being the first president to institute the Opposite Presidential Term, in which everything he said during his second term is the exact opposite of what he said in his first term. In his first term, he was a Liberal, but in his second term, he was a Neocon; that was his way of bringing about change.

Clinton's term in office was marred by economic and political reform. The most serious was some bitch named Hillary, who kept insisting she was his wife and had actually slept with him. This was widely ignored by everyone until it was revealed that Bill had been secretly cheating on the First Lady with Hillary, in a perverse affair that culminated in a media frenzy. (Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season • Jesus

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

April 4: National No Spamming Day (Iraq)

3141 BC - The world's first great pi was baked. It took $\pi$ years to eat.
1949 - Iceland's blundered declaration of war on the USA leads to the accidental formation of NATO.
1503 - Disneyland Central America opens in the Aztec city of Tenochtitlan.
1975 - You really should have bought shares in Microsoft, which was formed on this day.
1984 - President Ronald Reagan calls for an international ban on something or other, oh hell I can't remember. (Pictured)
2001 - The butterfly effect is proved in an ingenious experiment, causing devastating hurricane damage in China.
2002 - Actor Mickey Rooney begins his process of decomposition.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Wheeling Jesuit University, featured on 4 April 2025: Featured version
UnNews:Nintendo Puu to be released, featured on 4 April 2013: Featured version
UnNews:Bruce Springsteen recording of "Tick Tock" surfaces, featured on 4 April 2012: Featured version
UnBooks:Zombiebaron's Adventure To Asia, featured on 4 April 2011: Featured version
The Radio Star Murder, featured on 4 April 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured April 4

Picture of the day

Cookie Monster's last name becomes much more accurate when he is deprived of cookies...

Image credit: Count of Monkey Crisco
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Did You Know?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?

... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)

... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.

... that Elvis is NOT dead? (Pictured)

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that nobody asked?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that you actually didn't know?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that Alaska's principle exports include snow, ice, frozen water, and permafrost?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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