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Today's featured article

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 25: International Moose Preservation Day

26 AD - The Pontius Pilot is released in Rome, now Roman citizens can plan their Crucifixions from the comfort of their own villas.
1763 - The oboe is created in France, right before it drowns to the underworld being the only last remnant of France existant.
1847 - The Slate industry in Wales suffers a sharp decline after import tariffs on seriously why are you still reading this sentence go to bed.
1929 - The stock market crashes, putting an end to the Roaring 20's, and ushering the Squeaking 30's.
1950 - The Spanish Inquisition, the television adaptation based on the historical event, makes its debut on Fox quite unexpectedly.
1990 - The case of Pot v. Kettle goes to the Mississippi Court of Appeals.
2003 - Black & Decker begin preliminary research into self-toasting bread, but their prototypes end up incinerating the stomachs of consumers.
2005 - Moose preservation is celebrated on the internet for the first time.

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Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Hercules, featured on 25 March 2023: Featured version
McDonald's, featured on 25 March 2020: Featured version
UnNews:Barack Obama proposes legalizing prostitution, pot in effort to balance budget, avoid tax increases, featured on 25 March 2012: Featured version
Polar bear, featured on 25 March 2011: Featured version
Damien Hirst, featured on 25 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 25

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?

... that I hear voices outside my room? (Pictured)

... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!

... that Nelson Mandela (Pictured) was a cunt?

... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that you actually didn't know?
... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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