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Today's featured article
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The People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata (PGRU) is a landlocked African nation with no natural resources, no usable farmland, and no means to support human life in any form. Its population relies entirely on Angelina Jolie for its survival. The country is well known for its literary tradition of moody, existential novels about the neocolonial experience, written by authors who all live in New England.

Under the British Empire, Uukumbamabahalarata was known as The Colony of South Peoria. The British were thrown out in 1968 and, unlike most of the African nations, Uukumbamabahalarata went to hell in a hand-basket within six months. Stability in the region was restored when the Kingdom of Swaziland took over, to make room for their king's stable of wives.

Uukumbamabahalarata gained its independence from Swaziland's bloody regime in April of 1989, following six years of protracted paratrooper-on-paratrooper combat. The Republic's first leader, Etsy-Bodega Imbomahuutuu, embezzled billions of dollars of U.N. relief money meant to help the impoverished nation, and wired it to secret accounts in Switzerland. This was an amazing feat, given that Imbomahuutuu was an illiterate weed farmer whose greatest exposure to technology had been a broken Etch-a-Sketch left in his village years earlier by some passing soldiers. (Full article...)

In the news
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"...at least panda meat doesn't give you autism!" ‑RFK Jr.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • DOGE firings and budget cuts • Release of all the JFK and Epstein Files, purportedly • March Madness • Tornadoes shredding the American South • Post-apocalyptic streaming movies starring Stranger Things actors • Disney fans re-watching the original Snow White to forget the remake

Recent deaths: Skype • Kingda Ka • David Johansen, The New York Dolls, and Buster Poindexter • UnSpoiler and BeGone extensions • Space Ghost • Tesla's stock • Bob Rivers • Meghan Markle's Netflix show • The Electric State • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Snow Broke and the 9-figure loss for Disney • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Val Kilmer

Upcoming deaths: Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Luigi Mangione • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis • Meghan Markle's remaining likeability • Your March Madness bracket and bank account • Tornado Alley • Somebody from The Rugrats Movie

On this day in history
They're all dead now. It's an old picture.

April 2: National Refrigerator Day (Paraguay)

Featured biography
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Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Lance Brick
 When it was invented, the lance with a brick on the end was considered a marvel of contemporary medieval war technology. The lance with a brick on the end made it possible for unexperienced, n00b knights to defeat 1337 knights using the old-fashioned, brick-free lances nine times out of ten. The vast superiority of the lance with a brick on the end led to its near-universal adoption within a period of less than two decades. Note that the n00b knight on the right also has an Apexi "Cat back" muffler system on his head, which is first evidence that riceboys existed as early as the 14th century.

Image credit: Sunsneezer
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
  • ... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
  • ... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
  • ... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
  • ... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
  • ... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
  • ... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
  • ... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
  • ... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
  • ... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
  • ... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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