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Today's featured article

Foreign accent syndrome is a rare psychiatric disorder that, in its milder form, causes people it affects to pronounce words in a foreign accent. The disorder usually follows a brain injury caused by non-perforating head trauma, as perforating head trauma is much too gory for a proper mental illness. In extreme cases, victims of FAS can actually acquire knowledge of the foreign language associated with their new accent, slang terms and humorous exaggerated versions of national stereotypes included. A victim who develops a Lithuanian accent might acquire the Lithuanian language, tell other people to "Laizhyk asilo shikna", piss on bottles of Švyturys Ekstra, and date his sister.

As of the present, there is no known cure or treatment for FAS, and scientists have yet to completely unravel how the disorder works. People afflicted with the disorder are usually shunned within their community and turned into social pariahs. Fortunately, there are government sponsored programs that let victims of FAS assimilate in foreign countries where their accents are accepted. (Full article...)

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In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • M-m-m-Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and other Iranian leaders

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (according to Wikipedia) • Avicii (according to Wikipedia)

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico • Smiling Friends

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 2: International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day

1797 - The Bank of England issues the country's first currency to feature a smug, grinning monarch.
1867 - First Reconstruction laws: replaces slavery with "technically-not-slavery", which is not slavery. Technically.
1917 - The people of Puerto Rico are granted U.S. citizenship, to make the colonial exploitation that much more painful.
1946 - President Ho Chi Minh is declared "most likely to ferment Communist insurrection" in high school yearbook.
1961 - John F. Kennedy starts the Peace Corps, a secret CIA project to dump potentially troubling bleeding-heart hippies abroad.
1995 - Yahoo! is created, Nintendo immediately sues the site for stealing Mario's orgasm sound.
2017 - Scientists discover a side-effect of watching Guy Fieri (Pictured) marathons on the Food Network: severe internal bleeding.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Slut shaming, featured on 2 March 2015: Featured version
Martin Luther King, Jr., featured on 2 March 2012: Featured version
Science fiction, featured on 2 March 2011: Featured version
UnNews:NFL Claims Ownership of Every Word That Comes Out of Your Mouth, featured on 2 March 2010: Featured version
UnBooks:Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English?, featured on 2 March 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 2

Picture of the day

A great disturbance was recorded in the historical community today when what appeared to be a preliminary version of the Michelangelan Fresco that decorates the Sistine Chapel was found spraypainted on a remote alleyway in Rome. Notable historians whatsisname and thatguy said it was due to Michelangelo's intense desire to be accepted into the Renaissance art movement, which they say "required a fair amount of street cred."

Image credit: Zombiebaron
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Did You Know?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that there is one imposter among us?

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... Altaïr has excelled in the tactics of fooling the mentally challenged?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?

... that President Hoover (Pictured) was an actual hoover?

... that dyslexic farmers wear catflaps on their heads?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that Liechtenstein is completely pointless?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that hitting your kids may be beneficial to their health, or at the very least amusing to you?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that the butler did it?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

... that in Rhode Island any marriage where either of the party is an idiot and/or lunatic is considered null & void? And therefore, almost everyone in the state is, technically, a bastard? (Pictured)

... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that the police are at your door?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... the muffin man?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that there is one imposter among us?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

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Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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