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Today's featured article

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

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Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Confucius Say: Me Love You Really Long Time, featured on 24 March 2022: Featured version
Amazon: A survival story, featured on 24 March 2014: Featured version
Still life, featured on 24 March 2013: Featured version
Sylvia Plath, featured on 24 March 2012: Featured version
The Abridged Reader's Digest Abridged Classics, featured on 24 March 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 24

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... the muffin man?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?

... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)

... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that the sport of Water Polo can be greatly improved with the addition of sharks?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... tennis isn't just a game?
... that the butler did it?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that I am Batman?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that you actually didn't know?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that half of all American schoolchildren graduate in the bottom 50% of their class?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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