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Today's featured article

White History Month, (also known as Caucasian History Month), is an annual observance for remembrance of important people and events in the history of the Caucasian diaspora. It is celebrated annually in the United States every September. Before the United States was established, Caucasians were a minority race outnumbered by Africans, Asians and even Indians; they were often negated to ghettos and inner slums in their native hometowns of Europe and the United Kingdom. The treatment of them were staggering, many of them were forced to panhandle for money because they could not find work from their black employers, many of them were also beaten up in a show of superiority from the police force of which few Caucasians were admitted. It was not until the beginning of the American revolution that the caucasians would see a massive rise in population, thus bringing them closer to their peers.

With the establishment of the United States, the Caucasians made a place for their own; however, there was a huge problem in that African masters would often venture into the United States looking for Caucasian slaves. While enslaved, they were forced to do menial labor such as harvest crops and clean up the bathrooms of said Africans and whenever said Caucasian would get out of control, they'd be whipped or much worse, killed in front of their peers. (Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • *DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called. • Mr. Strickland

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 28: Turkey—the Country, not the Bird—Day

1453 - Constantinople wants to reinvent itself, changes name to Istanbul, but honestly everyone preferred Byzantium.
1784 - Benjamin Franklin proposes that the humble turkey be the national bird of the United States, since it's got a big juicy ass.
1871 - French revolutionaries form the Paris Commune, nascent leadership quickly devolves into squabbling over the finer points of Marx's Critique of the Gotha Program before getting skewered by French troops.
1979 - A nuclear meltdown in Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania actually mutates the population of Pittsburgh closer to normal.
1990 - George W. Bush gives the late Jesse Owens the Presidential Medal of Freedom, Bush now says he has black friend.
2018 - The traitor Gülen (Pictured) sits on his remote and changes the channel seconds before the climax to his favorite soap; God is with us brothers.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

White History Month, featured on 28 March 2017: Featured version
UnNews:Editorial: I don't mean to be rude, but please don't do that to my daughter, featured on 28 March 2013: Featured version
UnBooks:Jacques Attali's guide to predicting your future, featured on 28 March 2012: Featured version
Viking Metal, featured on 28 March 2011: Featured version
UnVoyage:Hollywood tour, featured on 28 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 28

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that it is most certainly not beneficial to Society to monitor Internet use? (Pictured)

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that if Abraham Lincoln was alive today, he would be clawing desperately at the lid of his coffin and screaming for help?
... that nobody asked?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that more people have been inside Paris Hilton, than in the Hilton in Paris?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?

... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)

... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that the police are at your door?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that this sentence is incomple

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that you actually didn't know?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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