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Today's featured article

The Buffalo Bills are a "professional" football "team". Their home is in Buffalo, New York. They are widely regarded as one of the most successful NFL franchises to exist ever. Their only championships where in 1964 and 1965 when they won two AFL titles. However, the Bills have not won any championships since the AFL–NFL merger, a move that many now consider "a huge fuck up". They were owned by a 93-year-old zombie man who refused to die named Ralph Wilson. In 2014 Wilson finally kicked the bucket, fucking zombie! Buffalo Sabres owner, oil fracker, and resident idiot Terry Pegula bought the team.

The Buffalo Bills are named after Buffalo Bill, a friendly man who lived in the woods all by himself. He would have guests over frequently where they would stay in a well he constructed in his home. They would stay for several days putting lotion on their skin. Bill then proceeded to skin them alive and wear their skin. The founders of the Bills felt this sort of behavior was admirable.(Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Elite Eight

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 30: International Cleavage Day

13B BC - God creates the Milky Way after squeezing stellar matter out of her insanely big knockers.
1692 - Twelve women are burned at the stake for inciting men to sin with their exposed bra straps.
1867 - America buys Alaska from the Russians because of its stiff Mountain peaks and vast tracts of fertile land.
1945 - Woman wears clothing that shows cleavage. The husband beats her.
1950 - The first film in Indonesia gets released, known for having at least one uncensored boob scene.
1977 - Marvel Comics designs a bra with a nipple window, claims its a proud Kryptonian tradition.
2012 - Big butts are now in! But you still can't be more than 120 pounds. Hey, I don't make the rules.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Ernest Hemingway, featured on 30 March 2014: Featured version
IEye, featured on 30 March 2013: Featured version
Recent developments in Crypto-Zoology, featured on 30 March 2012: Featured version
Rapto-velocity, featured on 30 March 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Write Good Poetry, featured on 30 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 30

Picture of the day

Mickeys - the drug of choice for today's trendy ravers.

Image credit: Rcmurphy
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?

... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that in some parts of Europe, glory holes are preferred to bidets?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that, despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... tennis isn't just a game?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?

... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)

... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that I am Batman?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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