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Today's featured article

White History Month, (also known as Caucasian History Month), is an annual observance for remembrance of important people and events in the history of the Caucasian diaspora. It is celebrated annually in the United States every September. Before the United States was established, Caucasians were a minority race outnumbered by Africans, Asians and even Indians; they were often negated to ghettos and inner slums in their native hometowns of Europe and the United Kingdom. The treatment of them were staggering, many of them were forced to panhandle for money because they could not find work from their black employers, many of them were also beaten up in a show of superiority from the police force of which few Caucasians were admitted. It was not until the beginning of the American revolution that the caucasians would see a massive rise in population, thus bringing them closer to their peers.

With the establishment of the United States, the Caucasians made a place for their own; however, there was a huge problem in that African masters would often venture into the United States looking for Caucasian slaves. While enslaved, they were forced to do menial labor such as harvest crops and clean up the bathrooms of said Africans and whenever said Caucasian would get out of control, they'd be whipped or much worse, killed in front of their peers. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • *DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called. • Mr. Strickland

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 28: Turkey—the Country, not the Bird—Day

1453 - Constantinople wants to reinvent itself, changes name to Istanbul, but honestly everyone preferred Byzantium.
1784 - Benjamin Franklin proposes that the humble turkey be the national bird of the United States, since it's got a big juicy ass.
1871 - French revolutionaries form the Paris Commune, nascent leadership quickly devolves into squabbling over the finer points of Marx's Critique of the Gotha Program before getting skewered by French troops.
1979 - A nuclear meltdown in Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania actually mutates the population of Pittsburgh closer to normal.
1990 - George W. Bush gives the late Jesse Owens the Presidential Medal of Freedom, Bush now says he has black friend.
2018 - The traitor Gülen (Pictured) sits on his remote and changes the channel seconds before the climax to his favorite soap; God is with us brothers.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

White History Month, featured on 28 March 2017: Featured version
UnNews:Editorial: I don't mean to be rude, but please don't do that to my daughter, featured on 28 March 2013: Featured version
UnBooks:Jacques Attali's guide to predicting your future, featured on 28 March 2012: Featured version
Viking Metal, featured on 28 March 2011: Featured version
UnVoyage:Hollywood tour, featured on 28 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 28

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that Sigmund Freud told me he slept with your mother last night? (Pictured)

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that I am inside your walls?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that I am Batman?
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that the only cure for the hiccups is an orgasm?
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

... that solar flares are actually maritime distress signals launched by astronauts floating in the Sun's vast oceans? (Pictured)

... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that Robert Shaw won the Northeast Regional Dogfishing Open in 1974, the first sporting event to be broadcast on the new ESPN network?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

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Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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