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Today's featured article
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Johnny Positive: Well, it's been a long time coming, ever since Big Budgeted Action Movie with Tons O' Explosions has been announced I've been actively following the movie like a hawk; there is just something about the premise that attracts me. A movie about a mystical object that could grant the possessor power, a battle between good and evil, tons of CGI and awesome muscular characters, what movie hasn't done that? I've been through the trials and tribulations from the moment where the actor threatened to leave the movie if he didn't get some respect to the budgetary issues where the movie almost ran out of money and I've reached the moment which matters the most; the premiere. I was excited, I put on my T-Shirt and Hat which the movie producers graciously gave to me and I entered the theater with high expectations. Let me just say that after watching the movie, my expectations were extremely satisfied and I have a lot to tell you about this newfound movie classic. (Full article...)

In the news
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Trump pictured holding up his project in front of his friends. They're all delighted.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Silksong, Stranger Things 5, and Spaceballs 2 • Russian Invasion • Gaza War • Trump and Elon's feud.. make up.. no one knows anymore • Israel/Hamas and Russia/Ukraine "peace talks" • Rock drummer exodus (not to be confused with Tom Hunting or Zbigniew Fyk) • Chicago Bears winning the preseason • K-pop: the movie doing surprisingly well

Recent deaths: Ozzy Osbourne • Chuck Mangione • Hulk Hogan • Resident Alien • Down syndrome • Tom Lehrer • The system • FUBAR • Cartoon Network/Adult Swim/Toonami on Comcast's basic cable package • Sydney Sweeney's new movie • Terence Stamp • The Devil's Rejects Unrated Director's Cut 4K (also Saw 2 & 3)

Upcoming deaths: DEI • R. Kelly • Iran's nuclear program • Diddy's bank account after incoming lawsuits • The flowers you bring Alan Bergman • Bryan Kohberger, at the hands of his fellow inmates • Chicago Bears' regular season • MSNBC • ROBLOX • Cracker Barrel • Lil Nas X

On this day in history
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August 29: International Androgynous Goat-People Observance Day

Featured biography
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Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Dog Hazard
 By popular demand, the National Pet Association has released a new guide for the best household chemicals to use for exploding your dog. Caveat Canem, indeed.

Image credit: MoneySign
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
  • ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
  • ... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
  • ...that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
  • ... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
  • ... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
  • ... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
  • ... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
  • ...that "Rosebud" was his sled? Oh wait, everyone knew that.
  • ... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
  • ... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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