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Today's featured article
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Tenet is a 2020 sci-fi action wtf film written and directed by Christopher Nolan. The film, which is definitely not Inception, stars the dude from BlacKkKlansman, the heartthrob that all the girls love from Twilight, that Australian chick who played Princess Di on The Crown, Michael Caine (of course), and a few other good actors that you like and will recognize but can't name off the top of your head. The film follows a former CIA agent who, well, it's like really complicated, even by Christopher Nolan's standards. (Full article...)

In the news
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"...at least panda meat doesn't give you autism!" ‑RFK Jr.

Ongoing: The wait for GTA VI, Hollow Knight: Silksong, and Deltarune Chapter 3 • Eurovision Song Contest • Russian Invasion • Israel‑Hamas conflict • ICE rounding up illegal immigrants • Taylor Swift's very unlucky, no good year • DOGE firings and budget cuts • Myanmar earthquake • Tornadoes shredding the American South • Post-apocalyptic streaming movies starring Stranger Things actors • Disney fans re-watching the original Snow White to forget the remake

Recent deaths: Skype • Kingda Ka • David Johansen, The New York Dolls, and Buster Poindexter • UnSpoiler and BeGone extensions • Space Ghost • Tesla's stock • Bob Rivers • Meghan Markle's Netflix show • The Electric State • Kurt from Good Burger • George Foreman • 23andMe • Snow Broke and the 9-figure loss for Disney • Bruce Glover • Richard Chamberlain • Roger Daltrey's eyesight and hearing • Val Kilmer

Upcoming deaths: Luigi Mangione • Yoon Suk Yeol's presidency and freedom • Kate Middleton • Laura Palmer • DEI, for better or for worse • Pope Francis • Meghan Markle's remaining likeability • Your March Madness bracket and bank account • Tornado Alley • Somebody from The Rugrats Movie

On this day in history
The Rite of Spring, you had to read the alt text to get it didn't you

April 3: Vivaldi Appreciation Day

  • 1220 - Rampaging crusaders drive a trebuchet through the walls of two towers in Ancient Syria.
  • 1666 - Sir Marquis Baron Vivaldi walks to the crossroad and sells his soul to Satan
  • 1888 - Vivaldi composes new record "A Change of Four Seasons", inspired by regressive metal band Dream Theater.
  • 1945 - Scientists discover that if you play John Cage's 4'33" backward you'll hear someone cough, but backwards.
  • 1974 - Tornadoes sweep the U.S.A, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
  • 1986 - D.J. murder rate at all-time high, blamed on the provocative lyrics of The Smiths.
  • 1996 - Ted Kaczynski, the Unabomber, is arrested for crimes against tasteful nomenclature, and killing like six people.


Featured biography
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Alexander Hamilton (January 11, 1755 or 1757 – July 12, 1804) was the first (and last) United States Secretary of the Treasury to be killed in a duel. He was also one of the Founding Fathers of the United States, a lawyer and street judge, and a slave-owner. An all-around good guy.

As butler to General George Washington during the War of Colonial Aggression against Great Britain, Hamilton called for a new Constitution. He wrote, like, almost all of the Federalist Papers, a primary source for Constitutional repression. He was opposed by other Founding Fathers, namely all of the ones who didn't like uppity, philandering bastards.

Today, Hamilton is on the U.S. $10 bill, a testament to America's appreciation for adulterous dueling bastards who are good with fiscal policy.

Hamilton was born in Jamaica, the son of Samuel Hamilton, captain of the colonial island's bobsled team. Hamilton's mother was a 'ho and it was widely known that Hamilton was born out of wedlock, a good old-fashioned bastard in the purest possible sense. He spent his childhood days polishing his father's bobsled blades and the nobs of other bobsled teammates. His hobbies included printing his own money on palm leaves and then being lashed viciously by his father, who was also the local vicar, for counterfeiting. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler!
 It'll have the kids saying, "Jawohl, mein Führer!"

Image credit: Splaka
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Did You Know?
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  • ... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
  • ... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
  • ... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
  • ... that in Spanish, "chinga tu madre" means "have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
  • ... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
  • ... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
  • ... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
  • ...that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
  • ... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
  • ... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
  • ... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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