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Today's featured article

Foreign accent syndrome is a rare psychiatric disorder that, in its milder form, causes people it affects to pronounce words in a foreign accent. The disorder usually follows a brain injury caused by non-perforating head trauma, as perforating head trauma is much too gory for a proper mental illness. In extreme cases, victims of FAS can actually acquire knowledge of the foreign language associated with their new accent, slang terms and humorous exaggerated versions of national stereotypes included. A victim who develops a Lithuanian accent might acquire the Lithuanian language, tell other people to "Laizhyk asilo shikna", piss on bottles of Švyturys Ekstra, and date his sister.

As of the present, there is no known cure or treatment for FAS, and scientists have yet to completely unravel how the disorder works. People afflicted with the disorder are usually shunned within their community and turned into social pariahs. Fortunately, there are government sponsored programs that let victims of FAS assimilate in foreign countries where their accents are accepted. (Full article...)

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In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • M-m-m-Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and other Iranian leaders

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (according to Wikipedia) • Avicii (according to Wikipedia)

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico • Smiling Friends

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 2: International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day

1797 - The Bank of England issues the country's first currency to feature a smug, grinning monarch.
1867 - First Reconstruction laws: replaces slavery with "technically-not-slavery", which is not slavery. Technically.
1917 - The people of Puerto Rico are granted U.S. citizenship, to make the colonial exploitation that much more painful.
1946 - President Ho Chi Minh is declared "most likely to ferment Communist insurrection" in high school yearbook.
1961 - John F. Kennedy starts the Peace Corps, a secret CIA project to dump potentially troubling bleeding-heart hippies abroad.
1995 - Yahoo! is created, Nintendo immediately sues the site for stealing Mario's orgasm sound.
2017 - Scientists discover a side-effect of watching Guy Fieri (Pictured) marathons on the Food Network: severe internal bleeding.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Slut shaming, featured on 2 March 2015: Featured version
Martin Luther King, Jr., featured on 2 March 2012: Featured version
Science fiction, featured on 2 March 2011: Featured version
UnNews:NFL Claims Ownership of Every Word That Comes Out of Your Mouth, featured on 2 March 2010: Featured version
UnBooks:Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English?, featured on 2 March 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 2

Picture of the day

Bolivian signpost featuring the latest language symbolism to aid foreign visitors.

Image credit: Mhaille
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?

... that cabbages are not to be trifled with? (Pictured)

... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that a bird in the hand is better than crabs in your bush?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?

... that hand transplant patients (Pictured) celebrate by masturbating?

... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?
... that Richard Nixon was well-known for his honesty and often referred to as Honest Dick?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that the entire world rightfully belongs to Albania?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that the police are at your door?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that there's more to the 9/11 attacks than the conspiracy theorists would have you believe? Like, way more?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that the handgun is one of the most pitiful guns you can find, seeing as it's part of your hand?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that Alexander isn't really that Great?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that I am Batman?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that if you die in Canada, you die in real life?
... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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