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Today's featured article

The Lockheed Martin Nuclear Attack Force and Creators of All Things Aerial and Destructive Corporation, often shortened to read Lockheed Martin Corporation, sometimes Lunkhead Moron Corporation, or even just Lockheed Martin, is an American ~~offense~~ defense company with the singular goal of designing weapons that can ~~more~~ easily turn a person into a fine red mist for the low cost of $5,000,000 per shot. Lockheed Martin is considered the holy grail of job opportunities for anyone interested in engineering, math, ~~ethics~~, or just the opportunity to obliterate things. They are most well known for their consumer products including the F-22 Raper, the Orion-class spaceships, the C-130 Hunkules, and most notably "Project Pat" missiles. (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

Trump talks to America on Iran, Chuck Norris, the Moon, March Madness, and firing Pam Bondi
World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Final Four

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • UConn ladies' basketball season + Jordan's Furniture customers • ~~Jesus~~

Upcoming deaths: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too • Holostars JP

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

April 6: Arson Wednesday (New Zealand)

612 - Arab popstar Mohammed declares he is "more popular than Jesus now."
1522 - Mary had a little lamb. Yankee Doodle claims to be father.
1593 - John Greenwood, English Congregationalist, hanged. His last words: "Get this fucking rope off of me!"
1935 - AT&T formed. Its first disgruntled customer is created moments later.
1955 - Hell freezes over, Devil forced to skate to work.
1974 - ABBA wins Eurovision, marking the beginning of the Mamma Mia Invasion.
1985 - Video games are first cited as a precursor to juvenile delinquency.
1994 - Kurt Cobain's attempt to win a posthumous Grammy backfires tragically.
1999 - Chinese Democracy is released and subsequently pulled off shelves after the U.S. Government denies reports of its existence.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Finno-Korean hyperwar, featured on 6 April 2025: Featured version
Deconstruction barrel, featured on 6 April 2017: Featured version
Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, featured on 6 April 2016: Featured version
Red Bull, featured on 6 April 2013: Featured version
Womp Rat, featured on 6 April 2012: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured April 6

Picture of the day

Something seems to be missing, but everyone is too stoned to care.

Image credit: Volte
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio?

... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... the muffin man?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?

... that the Deep-fried Mars Bar is responsible for the deaths of thousands in Scotland? (Pictured)

... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that nobody asked?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that those actually were the droids you were looking for?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... tennis isn't just a game?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

... that your daughter wants to be just like her mommy? (Pictured)

... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?

... that Canadian baseball (Pictured) is a thing?

... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that sheep shrink when it rains?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?

... that Sigmund Freud told me he slept with your mother last night? (Pictured)

... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that I like cats, but could never eat a whole one?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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