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Today's featured article

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 26: Fast Food Day (U.S.)

1845 - Fast food, then called fasting from food, is invented in Ireland: millions starve due to new trend.
1940 - First McDonald's restaurant opens in San Bernardino, California, life expectancy drops to levels unseen since the Civil War.
1965 - Fox in Socks, the first depiction of a modern-day rap battle, is published by Dr. Seuss.
1994 - After complaints from vegans, McDonald's switches from beef fat to vegetable oil for their fries, vegans celebrate, give money to company that kills millions of cows.
1997 - Someone orders an iced coffee from Starbucks, destroys the economies of three South American countries.
2011 - McDonald's attempts to make Happy Meals healthier, billions of apple slices rot inside their teeny plastic bags.
2016 - New FCC regulations on misleading advertising forces Carl's Jr. to release new 30 second ad of a fat man crying, alone.
2018 - Wendy's delivers epic clapback against dumb bitch on twitter with sesame seed allergy.

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Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Robbie Rotten, featured on 26 March 2021: Featured version
Woody Allen, featured on 26 March 2018: Featured version
I have a dream, featured on 26 March 2015: Featured version
Nineteen Eighty-Four, featured on 26 March 2012: Featured version
Justin Bieber, featured on 26 March 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 26

Picture of the day

NEW! Individual wrappings prevent Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.

Image credit: MoneySign
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Did You Know?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that Richard Nixon really just wanted a Magnavox Odyssey?

... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that when a suicide bomber dies and goes to paradise, he is given 72 virgins? But all of them are wiki editors?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?

... that Pigpen had a collection of over 200 various skin diseases during his childhood? (Pictured)

... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?

... that the Silver Surfer has a very large family? (Pictured)

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?

... that ‪Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?

... that Godot isn't coming?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the song "Harder Better Faster Stronger" by Daft Punk is a giant "That's what she said" joke?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that your fly is unzipped?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that this in not a DYK entry?
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that the White House is really off-white?
... that I am Batman?
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?

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Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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