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Today's featured article
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5:07 PM, Friday-- After a long, hectic day at the office, you shuffle along down the hall, briefcase in hand. You narrowly dodge one of your more annoying coworkers as he skids past in his rolling swivel chair, and with the sound of a collision between him and another person, hopefully his boss, you step into an elevator crowded with various men and women in suits. Among these formally-dressed drones is a young man with long, blonde hair and a multicolored T-shirt emblazoned with a peace sign. The fellow greets you with a friendly "Peace, man," but your mind is too wracked with stress to take any notice.

As the elevator gradually falls to the first floor, your nostrils are filled with the scent of paper, fresh off the copy machine, as well as the strange scent of dry-roasted nuts. "Must be John with his can of cashews again," you think to yourself. "That guy is going to end up in the hospital with some sort of rare nut-related disease." As you step out of the elevator and onto the white-tiled floor of the lobby, you think about all the work you have piled up on your desk at home, and how you would much rather curl up in your chair with a tub of coffee-flavored ice cream and watch reruns of That 70's Show until you pass out. As you cross the room to the glass-paned rotating door, your eye catches a glimpse of some massive brown object just outside the office. (Full article...)

On this day in history
From the lovin' to the oven yeah you know what I'm bakin'

May 2: Bacon Appreciation Day (U.S.)

  • 4M BC - Bacon first cooked in Sumatra after a sounder of boar, their bellies sliced thin by a pack of cassowaries, fall into an active volcano.
  • 1822 - The English town of Gimbley Gulch is destroyed in an avalanche of discarded maypoles.
  • 1923 - The first test-flight of the Jumbo Jet is aborted when engineers discover that the jet engine hasn't been invented yet.
  • 1936 - God declares linear progression of time boring and introduces imaginary time instead.
  • 1942 - Mick Jaggert is born and immediately finds he can't get no satisfaction, oh no no.
  • 1985 - Leg warmers officially registered "unfashionable" by United Nations, but what do they know.
  • 1986 - Coke debuts its "New Coke", in a convoluted and ultimate successful attempt to increase sales of Pepsi.
  • 2000 - Mexico exhausts its supply of refried beans following a trade embargo imposed by the U.N Council for Fresh Air.
Featured biography
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Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

Picture of the day
Modern Morris Minor
 It is evident that the car has come a long way since its original cardboard chassis design.

Image credit: Hindleyite
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Did You Know?
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Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

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The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

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The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

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Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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