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Today's featured article

Foreign accent syndrome is a rare psychiatric disorder that, in its milder form, causes people it affects to pronounce words in a foreign accent. The disorder usually follows a brain injury caused by non-perforating head trauma, as perforating head trauma is much too gory for a proper mental illness. In extreme cases, victims of FAS can actually acquire knowledge of the foreign language associated with their new accent, slang terms and humorous exaggerated versions of national stereotypes included. A victim who develops a Lithuanian accent might acquire the Lithuanian language, tell other people to "Laizhyk asilo shikna", piss on bottles of Švyturys Ekstra, and date his sister.

As of the present, there is no known cure or treatment for FAS, and scientists have yet to completely unravel how the disorder works. People afflicted with the disorder are usually shunned within their community and turned into social pariahs. Fortunately, there are government sponsored programs that let victims of FAS assimilate in foreign countries where their accents are accepted. (Full article...)

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In the news

He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America

Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • M-m-m-Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and other Iranian leaders

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad (according to Wikipedia) • Avicii (according to Wikipedia)

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico • Smiling Friends

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 2: International Genderflip Cartoon Characters Day

1797 - The Bank of England issues the country's first currency to feature a smug, grinning monarch.
1867 - First Reconstruction laws: replaces slavery with "technically-not-slavery", which is not slavery. Technically.
1917 - The people of Puerto Rico are granted U.S. citizenship, to make the colonial exploitation that much more painful.
1946 - President Ho Chi Minh is declared "most likely to ferment Communist insurrection" in high school yearbook.
1961 - John F. Kennedy starts the Peace Corps, a secret CIA project to dump potentially troubling bleeding-heart hippies abroad.
1995 - Yahoo! is created, Nintendo immediately sues the site for stealing Mario's orgasm sound.
2017 - Scientists discover a side-effect of watching Guy Fieri (Pictured) marathons on the Food Network: severe internal bleeding.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Slut shaming, featured on 2 March 2015: Featured version
Martin Luther King, Jr., featured on 2 March 2012: Featured version
Science fiction, featured on 2 March 2011: Featured version
UnNews:NFL Claims Ownership of Every Word That Comes Out of Your Mouth, featured on 2 March 2010: Featured version
UnBooks:Hot Japanese Girls - Colourblind or Unable to Speak English?, featured on 2 March 2009: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 2

Picture of the day

I wonder what they're trying to tell us this time...

Image credit: Kaizer the Bjorn
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that JJPMaster is a cannibal? (Pictured)

... that many diseases can be prevented by washing your hands before eating, after eating, during eating, and another couple of times just in case?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?

... I burning your dog? (Pictured)

... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that cow tipping is a term that describes the custom of giving bovines an additional sum of money in exchange for their milk, meat, or other services?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that much like your cancer-stricken Grandpa, the United Kingdom would rather shit the bed than accept its fate and fade into obscurity?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that recent advances in nanobiotechnology have led to advanced, implantable music players capable of holding up to three seconds of low-quality MP3 audio?
... that if we used a language without homonyms, a certain type of pun would be impossible, and thereby much gaiety would be lost?

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that Godot isn't coming?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?

... that 10 minutes of Super Bowl XLIII was mysteriously interrupted? (Pictured)

... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?

... that you can meet all sorts of interesting people when you're drunk? (Pictured)

... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?

... that ‪Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?

... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that the Kingfisher does not dine exclusively on kings, but also hunts queens, emperors, princes, dukes, viceroys and any other high-ranking members of the nobility?
... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that The Oldest Trick in the Book was first chronicled in cuneiform by the Ancient Sumerians, who lived on the windswept steppes of Mesopotamia?
... that Earth has 1 sextillion grains of sand?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that Godot isn't coming?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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