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Today's featured article

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

This is a dolphin not a fish, I demand a refund

March 23: Take Your Fish To Work Day

139 AD - Roman historian Erraticus publishes the fourth version of Life of Trajan, this one portaying Trajan as an emperor and retracting the previous version's claims that Trajan was a talking donkey.
1097 - St. Peter's Basilica was first used outside of the Vatican city during the first Crusades.
1952 - Beloved British children's author Enid Blyton publishes her most famous work, The Three Golliwogs. Please don't google it.
1956 - Pakistan declares itself to be an Islamic Republic, which is like the Old Republic except without the Jedi.
1962 - Dozens of women march on Washington D.C. to politely request feminine rights, their husbands sit at home without their supper.
1974 - The last dirty liberal is sent to serve in the Vietnam War, rendering America a perfect utopia of conservatives for nearly eighteen months.
2026 - a Plane has love affair with A track, making the worlds first Plane-Firetruck hybrid.

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Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

UnNews:Civil war hits Wisconsin, featured on 23 March 2011: Featured version
In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida, featured on 23 March 2010: Featured version
Dwight D. Eisenhower, featured on 23 March 2009: Featured version
The Muffin Man, featured on 23 March 2008: Featured version
Baby Seal, featured on 23 March 2007: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 23

Picture of the day

By popular demand, the National Pet Association has released a new guide for the best household chemicals to use for exploding your dog. Caveat Canem, indeed.

Image credit: MoneySign
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Did You Know?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?

... that "crack" is the hood's most effective diet pill? (Pictured)

... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
... that the butler did it?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that this is why we can't have nice things?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that in a world where movie trailers are crucial to a film's success... one man will provide his voice in innumerable trailers?

... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)

... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that Uncyclopedia regularly kills its editors mid-sent
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
... that Calvin and Hobbes was an action-packed buddy comedy series that ran from 1542-1549, featuring philosophers John Calvin and Thomas Hobbes as themselves?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that the comic strip Fred Basset is interesting but not in the sense that might be expected of a comic strip?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that Godot isn't coming?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?

... I could absolutely kill for something to eat right now? (Pictured)

... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that this sentence is incomple
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that nobody asked?

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that the bow-tie is an aphrodisiac worn by male humans which instantly increases the sexual appeal of the wearer by 16%?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?
... that if you say peacock, no one bats an eye, but if you say poop cock, everyone blows their minds?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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