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Today's featured article

The Autoconspiracy 2000 (more commonly known as the Conspiracy Theory Generator) is a top-secret computer program built by the world's most elite historians and computer scientists for the purpose of expanding historical knowledge beyond that which would normally not be achievable by humans. The goal of the program is to map out and eventually solve every historical uncertainty by "Exploring the Infinite Chronoscape" as the program's metadata puts it.

Early versions of the Autoconspiracy can be traced back to prehistoric times, where archaeological records show evidence of some particularly clever cavemen who had studied the natural patterns of moss and of mud to explain the origins of organic material. More refined methods of discovering hidden truths came later, culminating with the final Autoconspiracy version, Autoconspiracy 2000 c. 2000. (Full article...)

Recently featured:

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In the news

He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America

Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • Warner Bros. (?) • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

February 25: Gangrene Appreciation Day

1863 - Civil War surgeons discover a cure for gangrene, a rusty hacksaw and a stick to bite on.
1901 - J. P. Morgan becomes a billionaire after inventing the now world-renowned overdraft protection fee.
1945 - Turkey declares war on Germany. A little late to the party but every little thing helps.
1964 - Kim Il-sung turns North Korea into a verdant paradise, a utopia masquerading as a third-world country. It's basically an Asian Wakanda.
1991 - The Warsaw pact is officially abolished, thus ushering in a new era of peace and stability in Europe for a whole two hours.
1992 - The Khojaly Massacre occurs, part of an ongoing conflict between Armenia and Azerbaijan over the enclave of Nagorno-Karabakh aaaaaand you're asleep. Okay.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Madonna, featured on 25 February 2019: Featured version
Nothing's syndrome, featured on 25 February 2015: Featured version
Charlie Brown, featured on 25 February 2013: Featured version
Roger Hargreaves, featured on 25 February 2011: Featured version
Charles DeGaulle, featured on 25 February 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured February 25

Picture of the day

Looking for protection for your stallion? Safe sex whilst getting your oats? Look no further than Trojan Horse condoms. For the serious rider. Available in "Large", "Extra Large" and "Ouch!".

Image credit: sannse
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Did You Know?

... that Cafeteria food (Pictured) is not generally edible?

... that Pennywise the Clown wants to entertain you? (Pictured)

... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?

... that video games have been linked to aggressive behavior in teenagers? (Pictured)

... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that your fly is unzipped?
... that I am Batman?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that existing is highly dangerous, and should not be performed unless you are competent enough to understand how to perform it?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... that nobody asked?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that you actually didn't know?

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... taht wrods and snetnces are raedalbe eevn wehn tehy are toatlly fckued up?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?

... that it's a surprisingly simple process to starting your own religion? (Pictured)

... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that I am Batman?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that you should accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior, today!
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?

... that Burger King briefly attempted to introduce traditional British cuisine in the US? (Pictured)

... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that I am inside your walls?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that removing the rubber bands from the claws of a Lobster can result in oh god get it off get it OFF OH GOD MY FACE!
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... Jared Leto fucked your bf and he totally enjoyed it?
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?

... that Joseph Stalin (Pictured) is the the real Man of Steel?

... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that nobody asked?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?

... that tickle fights are a common occurrence in soccer? (Pictured)

... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?
... that Alaska is a mooseocracy, in which citizens select a moose to lead them?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that the amount of cats in the area is directly proportionate to the distance from the Hot Dog factory?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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