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Today's featured article

You feel an emptiness inside you, a deep pit in your soul that nothing man-made can fill. How many years has it been since you felt her hair running through your fingers?

None of that matters. The only thing that makes you happy now is garlic bread. You know it’s bad for your health, and you know it smells like the underpants of a sweaty Gondola rower, but you can’t help yourself.

Play game? →

Recently featured:

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city? • Chuck Norris doesn't fuckin' die, the world died to him • Buffy • Xander Harris

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 22: World Water Day

1621 - The Pilgrims promise the Indians that they're just peaceful settlers here to eat corn and wear lily white breeches.
1874 - Slavery is abolished in Puerto Rico, replaced with mandatory sugarcane harvest fun time.
1945 - The Arab League are formed to guarantee peace in the region for the next several minutes.
1993 - The United Nations passes a resolution to conserve fresh water (Pictured), tells Americans to shit on the floor instead of on the toilet.
2013 - My Chemical Romance disbands, Gerard Way pursues solo career, apparently.
2016 - Carl's Jr. ordered by FCC to end "sexy" ad campaign because too many viewers just want to fuck the burger.
2018 - Water bottle companies start selling diluted drain cleaner as Alkaline Water.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Pikmin, featured on 22 March 2024: Featured version
Mosque, featured on 22 March 2021: Featured version
UnNews:Local boy helps team win championship game, featured on 22 March 2013: Featured version
Antifreeze, featured on 22 March 2012: Featured version
Xenopubes, featured on 22 March 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 22

Picture of the day

The Lego JFK Assassination Set was the top selling toy of 1963. Collectors have been known to pay up to twenty-seven dollars on eBay.

Image credit: Sliferjam
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that Japanese ninjas are among those who have tried to find a way to get across the Great Wall of China? (Pictured)

... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that wearing a Top Hat is not only a sound fashion choice, it gives you somewhere to hide candy?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that to the untrained ear, John Aglethorpe's Ode to the Monotony of Life may simply sound like one continuous, monotonous tone, but the song is actually composed mostly of alterations between the A sharp and B flat notes tied together?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that goldfish are neither gold nor fish?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that it takes a man about thirty-four months to cross the Atlantic ocean on a turtle?
... that genocide is a perfectly healthy response to any personal problems you may have?
... that the largest collection of human bullshit is located in the United States Congress?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that the Welsh language was created when someone fell asleep on a keyboard?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)

... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that reading this DYK suggestion just wasted 10 seconds of your life?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... you're so fat, that if you don't stop, within a month you're gonna have a heart attack or stroke?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?

... that Elvis is NOT dead? (Pictured)

... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?
…that it’s offensive to call them “black pencils” and we should call them “pencils of colour isntead”?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that this sentence is incomple
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that You have to be lucky all the time, but we only have to be lucky once?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?
... that the White House is really off-white?

... that Hans Helmuth Saltzman's collection of Camera Obscura images is the best preserved of the Renaissance era? (Pictured)

... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that Elon Musk plots to monetarily obtain Madagascar for the industrialization of Tesla manufacturing plants, alongside having it renamed "Mada-electric-car"?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that Thomas Edison was arrested on charges of pornography following the release of his short film, Woman Whose Ankle is Partly Visible?

... that there's only a slight difference between you and me? (Pictured)

... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that one person can change the world, but the admins will probably just revert it?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?

... that Gypsies are stealing your carrots right now? (Pictured)

... that water is bad for your health because fish have sex in it?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that Cup Stacking is a real sport? No, really.
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?

... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)

... that 100% of divorces start with marriage?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that there are at least three other businesses like show business?
... that there is one imposter among us?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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