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Today's featured article

The Buffalo Bills are a "professional" football "team". Their home is in Buffalo, New York. They are widely regarded as one of the most successful NFL franchises to exist ever. Their only championships where in 1964 and 1965 when they won two AFL titles. However, the Bills have not won any championships since the AFL–NFL merger, a move that many now consider "a huge fuck up". They were owned by a 93-year-old zombie man who refused to die named Ralph Wilson. In 2014 Wilson finally kicked the bucket, fucking zombie! Buffalo Sabres owner, oil fracker, and resident idiot Terry Pegula bought the team.

The Buffalo Bills are named after Buffalo Bill, a friendly man who lived in the woods all by himself. He would have guests over frequently where they would stay in a well he constructed in his home. They would stay for several days putting lotion on their skin. Bill then proceeded to skin them alive and wear their skin. The founders of the Bills felt this sort of behavior was admirable.(Full article...)

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In the news

Chuck Norris didn't die, Death got Chuck Norris'd.

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • March Madness Elite Eight

Recent deaths: Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • DMV-based sitcom canned after people realize they can watch literally anything else • Mr. Strickland • C.B. Buckner's carreer as an MLB ump • Duke's basketball season

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • Sora • Tiger Woods' driver's license and career.. fuck it, his life can go too

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 30: International Cleavage Day

13B BC - God creates the Milky Way after squeezing stellar matter out of her insanely big knockers.
1692 - Twelve women are burned at the stake for inciting men to sin with their exposed bra straps.
1867 - America buys Alaska from the Russians because of its stiff Mountain peaks and vast tracts of fertile land.
1945 - Woman wears clothing that shows cleavage. The husband beats her.
1950 - The first film in Indonesia gets released, known for having at least one uncensored boob scene.
1977 - Marvel Comics designs a bra with a nipple window, claims its a proud Kryptonian tradition.
2012 - Big butts are now in! But you still can't be more than 120 pounds. Hey, I don't make the rules.

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Featured biography

Sam "I won that debate against Chomsky" Harris is a bear of a man, with a mind of unparalleled genius, whose august presence on the internet makes The Discourse that much more civil and rational and smart. Sam Harris is best known for never losing an argument online, and solving all of the philosophy using logic and facts. Before Sam Harris published his book The End of Faith in 2004, no one had thought to use rationality and reason to explore philosophical ideas: philosophy hitherto Sam Harris was made up mostly of pussy God lovers like Søren Kierkegaard who believed in fairy tales because they weren't rational and logical and right about stuff like Sam Harris is.

Today Sam Harris has become a light, shining effervescent in a world dimmed by the evils of Islam and people who disagree with me. Sam Harris has written many books, very long books with little to no pictures, filled with great ideas. Sam Harris has appeared in the prestigious TED talks, where he speaks in a suave and bookish monotone, dispensing his wisdom the way a sprinkler dispenses the succulent water to the hungry hungry grass. Harris has also founded the "Nuke the Muslims until their bones are glass" school of moral philosophy.

Sam Harris was born into this reality like any other rational thinker: pale, wrinkling, writhing, and beaming with potential. He emerged from the flesh cocoon of womanhood into a world chained by anti-intellectualism and its heralds, who are called priests or imams (but mostly imams). (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Ernest Hemingway, featured on 30 March 2014: Featured version
IEye, featured on 30 March 2013: Featured version
Recent developments in Crypto-Zoology, featured on 30 March 2012: Featured version
Rapto-velocity, featured on 30 March 2011: Featured version
HowTo:Write Good Poetry, featured on 30 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 30

Picture of the day

Just when you thought hospital food couldn't get any worse...

Image credit: Doug
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that Kilroy was here? (Pictured)

... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?

... that the Washington Niggers (Pictured) are set to change their name?

... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that individuals born under the sign of Gemini are often flammable and vulnerable to bear attacks?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory?
... that the police are at your door?
... that nobody asked?

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that torture is better to give than to receive?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?

... that Angelina Jolie took method acting to the extreme to play the role of Slim in A Bug's Life? (Pictured)

... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that paper beats rock, but guns beat everything?
... that the Japanese have a saying: "A man cannot read the same Wikipedia page twice"? The pages are constantly being edited, and the act of reading it will make you a different person. Therefore, when a man goes back to re-read it, both the text and the man have been changed.

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that the brainrot is taking oveBRR BRR PATAPIM, IL MIO CAPPELO E PIENO DI SLIM! TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG TUNG SAHUR! BOMBARDINO CROCODILO!
... that the lawman/outlaw Wild Bill Hickok had one of the most celebrated mustaches in the Wild West?
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?
... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that a bomb shelter is the safest place to hide explosives?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?

... that Malcom X absolutely loved Kentucky Fried Chicken? (Pictured)

... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that while Pong! the Movie followed suit with the wildly popular video game genre, such as The Super Mario Bros. movie and Resident Evil, it did not play out as well in the box offices?

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that you actually didn't know?

... that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book? (Pictured)

... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that... uh, shit, I forgot what I was gonna say.
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?

... that your nipples (Pictured) can fall off?

... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that Ram Ranch really rocks?
... that I am Batman?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... You can do anything with creativity, determination, and the exploitation of the working class?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that in Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with?
... that an umbrella is a magical object that is used in many cultures to discourage rainfall?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that if you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu; you will get a Bullshit?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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