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Today's featured article

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

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Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Confucius Say: Me Love You Really Long Time, featured on 24 March 2022: Featured version
Amazon: A survival story, featured on 24 March 2014: Featured version
Still life, featured on 24 March 2013: Featured version
Sylvia Plath, featured on 24 March 2012: Featured version
The Abridged Reader's Digest Abridged Classics, featured on 24 March 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 24

Picture of the day

In Full Metal Jacket, a U.S. Marine observes the dehumanizing effects jacket potatoes have on his fellow Marine recruits from peeling them in basic training to the brutal food fights in Vietnam.

Image credit: Olipro, Severian
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Did You Know?

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that you wash your ass not your pussy (Pictured) in the Bidet?

... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that the populations of many endangered species can be increased with a simple Wikipedia edit?
... that the A-bombs dropped on Japan were awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It was written by a computer?

... that the Easter Bunny must kill every 100 years? (Pictured)

... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that at some point, hanging in there just makes you look like an even bigger loser?
... that your fly is unzipped?

... that the man on the left is admiring the bare torso of the man on the right in a purely non-sexual manner? (Pictured)

... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
... that two peanuts were walking down a street and one was a salted?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that Karen is a female given name meaning "she who wants to see the manager"?

... that the man on the left is late for an important meeting with an international Terrorist and the man on the right is indignant at the increased cost of accessing Internet porn? (Pictured)

... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that the French Revolution was just a rip-off of the American Revolution?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?

... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)

... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that this sentence is incomple
... that if we lose cabin pressure, masks will drop from just above your head? I always get the Richard Nixon mask!
... that I don't like them putting chemicals in the water that turn the frickin' frogs gay?

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that the moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that within a few weeks of being held in captivity dolphins are able to train humans to stand at the side of a pool and throw them fish?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that reading this section is a severe waste of time?
... that colorless green ideas sleep furiously?
... that I am Batman?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that we must nuke the whales, or the hippies will win?

... that the "special ingredient" for Wendy's chili is a closely guarded secret? (Pictured)

... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that compromise is a great diplomatic tool? Although on an international level, a nuclear arsenal is even better?
... that being safe with guns is- *BANG*
... that it takes a great amount of sexual commitment to get a computer turned on, but once your computer is properly aroused, it can offer you some of the greatest sexual thrills you may ever experience?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)

... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
...Funkytown was a Scientology commune in the 60s?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?

... that Big Bird was the guest of honor on a special Thanksgiving episode of Sesame Street? (Pictured)

... that the keyboard you have been using has more germs than your toilet seat?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that the Byzantine Empire is pretty much the same as the Roman Empire, only not as cool?
... that a camel's boobies are on its back?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that it is important to tune your Air Guitar constantly, as any dust particles that stick to the complicated arrangement of air will completely deform it?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that in 2007 the Department of Homeland Security released a series of informative pamphlets on surviving a terrorist attack?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that Freddie Mercury was banned in some European countries due to his extremely radioactive last name?
... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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