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Today's featured article

White History Month, (also known as Caucasian History Month), is an annual observance for remembrance of important people and events in the history of the Caucasian diaspora. It is celebrated annually in the United States every September. Before the United States was established, Caucasians were a minority race outnumbered by Africans, Asians and even Indians; they were often negated to ghettos and inner slums in their native hometowns of Europe and the United Kingdom. The treatment of them were staggering, many of them were forced to panhandle for money because they could not find work from their black employers, many of them were also beaten up in a show of superiority from the police force of which few Caucasians were admitted. It was not until the beginning of the American revolution that the caucasians would see a massive rise in population, thus bringing them closer to their peers.

With the establishment of the United States, the Caucasians made a place for their own; however, there was a huge problem in that African masters would often venture into the United States looking for Caucasian slaves. While enslaved, they were forced to do menial labor such as harvest crops and clean up the bathrooms of said Africans and whenever said Caucasian would get out of control, they'd be whipped or much worse, killed in front of their peers. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller • Transgender self-identity in India • *DMV* - the TV show, not the actual DMV. It ended on a cliffhanger: Everyone was still waiting for their number to be called.

Upcoming deaths: Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity • Sora

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 28: Turkey—the Country, not the Bird—Day

1453 - Constantinople wants to reinvent itself, changes name to Istanbul, but honestly everyone preferred Byzantium.
1784 - Benjamin Franklin proposes that the humble turkey be the national bird of the United States, since it's got a big juicy ass.
1871 - French revolutionaries form the Paris Commune, nascent leadership quickly devolves into squabbling over the finer points of Marx's Critique of the Gotha Program before getting skewered by French troops.
1979 - A nuclear meltdown in Three Mile Island, Pennsylvania actually mutates the population of Pittsburgh closer to normal.
1990 - George W. Bush gives the late Jesse Owens the Presidential Medal of Freedom, Bush now says he has black friend.
2018 - The traitor Gülen (Pictured) sits on his remote and changes the channel seconds before the climax to his favorite soap; God is with us brothers.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

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Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

White History Month, featured on 28 March 2017: Featured version
UnNews:Editorial: I don't mean to be rude, but please don't do that to my daughter, featured on 28 March 2013: Featured version
UnBooks:Jacques Attali's guide to predicting your future, featured on 28 March 2012: Featured version
Viking Metal, featured on 28 March 2011: Featured version
UnVoyage:Hollywood tour, featured on 28 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 28

Picture of the day

Franz Kafka started his career as a newspaper cartoonist, before being sued by Gary Larson in the court of his own mind.

Image credit: Modusoperandi
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Did You Know?

... that while I have no idea what this means, all I know is that I just lost my life savings while some other guy just bought his fifth yacht? (Pictured)

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?
... pole dancing was introduced to Egyptian culture by Cleopatra?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that the police are at your door?
... that my mom's name is also Martha?
... that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that a chicken-proof lawn is impeckable?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?
... that the dolphin is the only animal other than man that laughs at its own farts?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... Nautical knots are not knots that can be knotted into knots (most likely not)?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?

... that the Gay Agenda is out to get you? (Pictured)

... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that contrary to popular belief, the emoticon ":3" is a depiction of someone with a scrotum for a mouth?
... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that the Pope recently announced that the whole "Christianity" thing is a whole load of shit?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?
... that a drummer is someone who hangs out with musicians?

... that the Black Knight always triumphs? (Pictured)

... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?
... that a Pie Chart is the most delicious way of visually conveying information?
... that [Wiki|wiki formatting]] is perfect]? It never malfunctions'!
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that NASA will one day send sharks to space?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that the life of Jesus Christ contains many allusions to Superman?
... that Uranus is a gas giant?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that the phrase "¡Ay Chihuahua!" can be used to mean both "no, I don't have any bathtub cheese" and "yes, I have a great deal of bathtub cheese"?
... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?

... that Albert Einstein's likeness has been used to sell pornography? (Pictured)

... that the square root of 69 is 8 something?
... that many children in third world countries don't have enough to eat, but most have access to the Food Network?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that Phonics (pronounced Pa-hon-iks.) is one of the deadliest and most addictive drugs on the streets? It is said to get children "hooked" in four weeks or your money back.
... that suicide is an answer to every problem, just not a very good one?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that if you put an ear up to a person's leg you can hear them say, "What the fuck are you doing?"
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?

... that in China, there is no MySpace, but a communist alternative? (Pictured)

... that on 17 June 2007, Britain was mercilessly hit by an attack of 'falling water'?
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that the police are at your door?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that you've just lost the game?
... that forgetting to carry the one is the leading cause of disaster for world domination plans?

... that there's only one word in the vocabulary of a customer service representative? (Pictured)

... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that the road to hell is identical to the stairs to heaven, but with elevator music and traffic?
... that the only way to survive a massive nuclear blast is to crouch underneath your desk?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that over 30 million Chinese peasants died in the Great Leap Forwards due to inadequate long-jump scores?
... that the universe is made up of protons, electrons, neutrons and morons?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that the admins will never approve your DYK submission nor will they read these suggestions?
... that oxygen is a highly addictive drug, with 100% of all users becoming addicted with their first hit?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that the amazing sensation of excruciatingly warm liquid on the genitals is just one of many reasons to pour boiling hot water down your trousers?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

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Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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