User:Roza/main page

Arts
Biography
Music
History
Politics
Science
Society
Television
More Links
Main Page/links
Social

Facebook

Twitter

Instagram

Reddit

YouTube

Discord

#IRC

Steam

Today's featured article

Archaeology, or archæology (from Αρχαίος, nobody cares, and Λογος, the study of not caring) is the study of really really old stuff. Many people confuse archaeology with archeology due to the almost identical spelling and the fact that they mean the same thing. While seemingly pointless, archaeologists assert that we can learn lots of new things by looking at old things, despite the immediate logical impossibilities. Most archaeologists are full of theories with their "carbon dating" witchcraft. As Archaeology for Kids! host Bryan Williamson once said, "I mean, carbon atoms don't have sex, do they? Why should they date then if they can't do anything freaky with electrons in the privacy of a high speed collision chamber? Ok now I have got that off my chest, I will return to imagining how dead people once lived."

The first reported archaeologist was a king of Babylonia called Nabonidus in the 6th century B.C. He was so keen at preserving old buildings that he neglected to look after his country and was overthrown by Cyrus the Great of Persia. Modern historians, who are to archaeologists as strippers are to losers, know this to be true as Nabonidus's discarded monogrammed shorts and trowel were found embedded in ancient ruins that belonged to civilisations much older than his. (Full article...)

Recently featured:

Archive · Vote for featured articles · Purge

In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

Happiness is like a butterfly, you can't catch it so don't even bother trying.

March 18: World Happiness Day

51,000 BC - World Happiness Day is declared with a series of rhythmic grunts when two homo erecti discover fire.
1906 - Pope declares suicide a mortal sin, worse than butt sex, watching anime and murder.
1953 - Senator Joseph McCarthy briefly bans Kitten Huffing, but later retracts said decree, claiming he "was high off [his] ass."
1954 - Scientists fist discover the Moon, they later find out it wasn't really the Moon they discovered, but the Sun.
1985 - Australia's version of EastEnders premieres to the public, however, it made Aussies more happier than expected.
1993 - The Sun tells scientists it and earth should "Just be friends," the sun promises to call every few weeks.
2008 - After numerous requests by the American public, God finally damns It, It is never found.
2016 - A rerun of the smash hit TV show Full House is shown around the world, millions kill themselves, unable to stand the torture.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Joseph Conrad you say? Heh, I knew such a man once, he was, what you might call ... a Pole. Therein lies the problem you see, for he was not what might be described as a thin rounded piece of wood, perhaps adorned with a flag, perhaps not. Nor was he an extremity of an axis through a sphere. No! Begad good sir! He was a native of Poland. You see now, he was an impenetrable mystery, that Conrad - always cadging for blow too, but that's another story. Wait, no it isn't.

His early life you say? Well, 'tis presumptuous to assume I would provide you with this particular chap's tale. Yes, I may be an old seaman, but yarn spinning is not my forte good sir. No indeed, one can probably tell from my unsophisticated vernacular that I, Marlow, a man of humble origins and humble endings would have such oratory skills. But Conrad, my God man, he had eyes that could pierce a man's soul; his lips were thin and pale like eels; his very skull seemed to cry 'I am depressed!' or something of that nature.

One night he came to me in my quarters, screaming, and I quote: 'Marlow! Marlow! It is my fate that I should wander these halls like a ghost, festering away my ... genius! WHY should such a man as you presume yourself beneficiary to this ship eh? What? Speak up man!' (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Peter Sagan, featured on 18 March 2014: Featured version
Nillion, featured on 18 March 2013: Featured version
Archaeology, featured on 18 March 2012: Featured version
Joy Division, featured on 18 March 2011: Featured version
UnNews:US Stimulus not enough, featured on 18 March 2010: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 18

Picture of the day

Though the United States' new strategy in Iraq has proven effective at routing insurgent rebels, it has done little to relieve the stigma of what many perceive as American imperialism.

Image credit: Thetoastman
View image · Nominate new image · View all featured images

Did You Know?

... that I'm coming to get you? (Pictured)

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that this sentence is incomple
... conjuction verb noun preposition article verb noun?
... that Kitten Huffing is a popular, though controversial, alternative to street drugs such as skag and crank?
... that Witch-Hunting For Fun and Profit has mostly turned into Witch-Hunting For Fun in this modern era of cheaply produced Chinese assembly line witches?
... that the light at the end of the tunnel is commonly reported to be a strobe light accented with techno?
... that in the Mesozoic Era, toasters ruled the earth?
... that the American Civil War was actually marked by many instances of uncivil behavior?

... that ‪Captain Autofellatio (Pictured) often gets distracted from crime-fighting?

... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?

... that there was more then one model for the Mona Lisa? (Pictured)

... that you can get great deals on Vietnamese clothing imports if you buy now?
... that bestiality just got 15 percent more legal?
... that your boss is behind you watching you waste time?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?
... that spambots suffer from constant self-doubt and low self esteem? They have feelings too you know.
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?
... that Oscar Mayer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that testicles are edible and a good source of protein?

... that 9/11 (Pictured) was an outside job?

... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that anyone who dies at Disneyland receives a free lifetime pass?
... that neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that there is a simple, easy solution to the fact that you cannot understand the foreigners who are sitting next to you?

... that the Southern United States is well-known for its "Southern Hospitality"? (Pictured)

... that every time you shoot yourself in the head, someone somewhere in the world dies?
... the muffin man?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that Crow war chieftain Old White Man was nothing like his brothers, Walks Over Eggshells and Sees No Color?
... that cutting off your hands, nose, and head reduces the spread of germs by 100%?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... tennis isn't just a game?

... that the Royal Pointless Military Things Tournament was founded by the Duke of York? (Pictured)

... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that Africa's space program has had several successful launches to altitudes over 11 feet?
... that while laughter is the best medicine, many cancer patients prefer chemotherapy?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... Donald Trump? More like... Donald Gay! Hah, gottem!
... that Jesus loves you, but that's probably not enough to get to heaven?
... that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that there is a pipe bomb placed in your mailbox?
... that back in my day, we didn't have no fancy Did you know sections on our wikis? We had to get all of our factoids from the library, like decent folk! And after we walked there barefoot across three counties 'cause bicycles hadn't been invented yet, we had to teach ourselves how to read the books - none of that fancy free-contents education you kids're all on about...

... that Christmas was cancelled in 1984 after an unfortunate accident between Santa and a Boeing 747? (Pictured)

... that other people can prevent forest fires too?
... God doesn't appreciate those who smoke?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the Red Baron, in addition to being the deadliest ace fighter pilot of World War I, traveled through time?
... that you just lost the Game?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that I am inside your walls?
... that Obama's last name is [REDACTED]?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that making a band usually involves frantically begging family and strangers to join?
... that your opinion does count, but the admins think otherwise?

... if you are right brained or left brained? (Pictured)

... that you just lost the Game?
... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that it's been proven beyond reasonable doubt that 50% of modern marriages end in divorce because of arguments inside IKEA stores?
... that Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is the world's most intelligent and fastest-growing religion?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that nobody can describe what a simile is like?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

Sister projects

Uncyclopedia is hosted by the Uncyclomedia Foundation, a non-profitable organization that also hosts a range of other projects as well as some foreign language Uncyclopedias and Illogicopedia.

UnNews
News on crack
Uncyclopedia
The content-free encyclopedia
Undictionary
Best left unsaid
UnTunes
Noisy things
UnGames
Ways to waste away
HowTo
Like Ikea without the pictures
UnBooks
Content-free books
Unquotable
Useless misquotes
Uncycloversity
No student loans
UnPoetia
Dreams deferred
UnDebate
Debate the irrelevant
UnScripts
We ruin stage too
Why?
Because
UnReviews
Hack frauds
UnVoyage
Armchair travel
Uncyclomedia
The Foundation

Foreign languages

This Uncyclopedia is written in English, supposedly. Started in 2005, it currently contains 40,971 articles. Many other parody wikis are available; some of the lamest are listed below.

10,000+ articles

Português · Boarisch · 日本語 · Polski · Plattdüütsch · Italiano · Español · Français
1,000+ articles

Suomi · Dansk · Deutsch · 한국어 · 正體中文 · 汉语 · Русский · Norsk (Bokmål) · Bahasa Indonesia · Česky · ไทย · Esperanto · Ελληνικά · Nederlands · Galego · עברית · Svenska · Slovenčina · Magyar · Українська
100+ articles

فارسی · عَرَبِيّ‎ · Türkçe · Català · Norsk (Nynorsk) · Српски / Srpski · Hrvatski · Lietuvių · Latina · Tagalog · Български · Simple English · Latviešu · Mirandés · Македонски · Română · Cymraeg

Complete List of Uncyclopedias