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Today's featured article

Good evening crew of the RMS Titanic. My name is Scuttlebutt, Sidney Scuttlebutt. I am the head of the exterior furniture section on this ship. My job is to provide deckchairs for the comfort of all First Class and Second Class passengers. Third Class passengers are not entitled to deckchairs so you will not need to show them how they work.

This may be the Titanic's maiden voyage but I am already a professional at the art of deckchair maintenance as I have worked on the Titanic's sister ship RMS Olympic. I believe a carefully prepared deckchair with the option of a blanket and cushion is essential if travellers want to take in the cold April air of 1912. So I will now demonstrate what we do.

What was that? You want to know more about the lifeboats? We can talk about that tomorrow. Those boats are to rescue people at sea, not the people here as this ship is unsinkable, made of steel that is light enough to float. There is no need to be worried. For those who really want to learn more about lifeboats, I understand Captain Smith will be holding a class tomorrow. (Full article...)

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In the news

Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize (Pictured)
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Winter Paralympics • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed

Recent deaths: Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • Ali Khamenei • Team Italy sled hockey • Miami Dolphins • That guy from Boston. The band, not the city. But isn't the band from the city?

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • Weed • Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 14: American π Day

27 AD - Greeks fight valiantly against Russell Crowe in a vast gladiatorial event to define π as the ratio of the circumference of a circle divided by its radius.
435 AD - Pope Sixtus III denouces π, claiming it to be the work of Satan, as a number which never ends seems too cruel for a loving God to have made.
1603 - "American" Apple pie actually invented by the Aztecs, used as aphrodisiac.
1707 - The Physics Act of 1707 defines π to be 22/7, which scientists of the era proclaim as close enough.
1891 - The pie chart is first invented, sadly, the original prototype has long since been eaten. Future pie charts are now inedible.
2004 - The day Krabs fries
2005 - The Kansas Board of Education restores pi to its traditional value of three and a bit, stating, "Certain features of the universe are best explained by an intelligent cause, not an undirected process such as mathematics."
2020 - A resident of New York City passes away after contracting the π virus.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

An image built one pixel at a time, featured on 14 March 2025: Featured version
UnNews:New Florida bill would abolish all pronouns, featured on 14 March 2023: Featured version
UnNews:Former Last FM chairman launches controversial sexual assault site, featured on 14 March 2017: Featured version
Fred Basset, featured on 14 March 2013: Featured version
Homophones (grammar), featured on 14 March 2012: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 14

Picture of the day

In order to quell the ongoing strife in the Mideast, the Canadian government has elected to send their elite peacekeeping forces into Afghanistan, Iraq and Mos Eisley.

Image credit: NewMess1ah
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Did You Know?

... that former Australian prime minister John Howard once spent over 48 hours in session with his cabinet? (Pictured)

... that the history of Great Britain (Pictured) is greater than Frosties?

... that we all smell a little bit like teen spirit, if we go a while without washing?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?
... that vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that not all of Ukraine is Russia, though Russia can't seem to tell?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

... that Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us? (Pictured)

... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that midget cockpunching terrorists are a threat to the US and her allies?
... that there's a tunnel under Ocean Blvd?
... that dihydrogen monoxide is a substance found in car exhaust, pesticides, acid rain, and your energy drink?
... that I am Batman?
... that George Washington was an avid heterosexual?
... that it's probably not the weekend (The chance is 5/7)?

... that a smiling Joe Pesci is never a good thing? (Pictured)

... that 100% of people who are rushed to the hospital will die?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
... that when it says "Do not try at home", it actually means "Do not try this at all"?
... that Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure AIDS?
... that nobody asked?
... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?

... that all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy? (Pictured)

... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that en passant is actually French for "inventing new rules as you go along?"
... that in 2001 George W. Bush passed the No Child Left Behind Act, which forbids soldiers in Iraq from leaving their children behind?
... that the concept of Hell dates back to ancient Egyptians' fear of sand burning your feet?
... that Stan Lee originally conceived the X-Men as a group of post-op transgenders?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?

... that the toaster in Pulp Fiction is wanted in connection with at least 5 unsolved murders? (Pictured)

... that air is a fictional substance that was once believed to fill the space above the surface of the Earth? While this "air theory" was once used to explain various phenomena, air theory, at last refuted, has joined the gene, the atom, Antarctica, and the free lunch in a long list of scientific red herrings.
... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that this sentence is incomple
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that you can always pay your credit card bills using your credit card?

... that silent radio (Pictured) existed before regular radio?

... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that sufficiently advanced magic is indistinguishable from science?
... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that you have probably broken at least three of the Ten Commandments just by visiting this website?

... that the The Antipodean Gallery of Post-Modern Art will play host to some of Pau Pei's most groundbreaking works of concentric art? (Pictured)

... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that the Russian Reversal is the common English term for the phenomenon during which a person descended from Russia is spontaneously turned around?
... that Bruce Lee could juggle two balls with his penis?
... that pillow fighting is a violent trend among the world's pillow population, and must be stopped?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?

... that the bird is the word? (Pictured)

... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that women get periods, but men get commas?
... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that on average, humans have less than 2 legs?
... that the United States presidential election of 1948 saw the overwhelming defeat of then-President Harry S. Truman at the hands of Thomas Dewey, the Republican governor of New York and former partner in the law firm, Dewey, Cheatem & Howe?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... that Drake the type of dingbat to believe everything he reads on Uncyclopedia?

... that the waterways of Oslo, Norway are much like Venice, except that they are open sewers? (Pictured)

... that I'm better than this person in particular?
... that the process of dying and coming back to life as a cow is known as reincownation?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that Minecraft developers are flat earthers?
... that Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover but Macaluey Culkin was?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?

... that Wikipedia contains millions of articles written by countless anonymous contributors? (Pictured)

... that apparently, this Charles Norris fellow is quite the ruffian?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that Boston Bruins goaltender Gerry Cheevers was one of the most feared hockey players in the so-called "stick to the groin" era?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that this sentence is incomple
... that Earth is the best planet in the world?
... that my girlfriend has herpes? Neither did I.

... that the entire army of Liechtenstein consists of 3 soldiers? (Pictured)

... that Abraham Lincoln was an accomplished skateboarder?
... that you can fry a potato but not a potatoe, according to the Potato-tomato theorem?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that the national pastime of Palestine is Stone the Israeli Tank?
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that if you laid out all of the nerves in your body end-to-end, you'd die?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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