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Today's featured article

Orchids are a special family of temptress flowers that bloom around June, totally unlike conservative flowers with upstanding morals and family values. They have delicate bodies, slim stems, and deep orifices, with small follicles emanating from their lower inner region that open up once every 28 days or so to emit a rather fishy yet surprisingly fragrant scent in order to attract insects, which will invade their insides to help pollinate them.

Orchids are considered to be some of the most scrumptious flowers in the plant kingdom, and they are also utterly insatiable. No amount of pollination is enough. Whereas almost all other flowers would be satisfied with one insect pollinator per day, for Orchids, no amount of frequent diverse visitors is enough. They are so good at seduction, bumble bees are known to fight one another to the death in their attempt to mount the stamens of orchids and destroy their tall slender legs in the process. Only the strongest bees with the most cunning, deceptive, and charismatic qualities are able to beat other bees during the frenzied orchid mating season. (Full article...)

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In the news

World shocked as Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the bucket (Pictured)
Trump launches war with Iran, is given another Peace Prize
- Iran kept barely alive by Cardboard Ayatollah
Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey; Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Fallout from the Epstein Files • ~~War~~ Special Combat Operation in Iran • Saturn Awards • Chucky McGoo's jawline being gradually destroyed • Impossibly long lines at American airports

Recent deaths: Miami Dolphins, twice • That guy from Boston, not the city, but the band, from the city • Chuck Norris doesn't die, he goes to Hell to regroup • Buffy • Xander Harris • Robert Mueller

Upcoming deaths: Dancin' Maduro • Iran • Mahmoud Ahmadinejad • Atlanta Falcons • Streetsigns with Cesar Chavez's name • TSA agents' bank accounts and sanity

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 24: International Do-It-Yourself Day

1857 - Oscar Wilde pens his story The Soul of Man under Socialism while under something else.
1943 - Jackson Pollock unveils his long-awaited third exhibition, featuring the classic Angsty Orange Tiger.
1964 - The ping pong incident occurs at my high school, and will torment me for over forty years until my son avenges me.
1991 - The first child is admitted to the hospital for Phonics addiction in the beginning of a nation-wide pandemic, resulting in thousands of kids becoming 'hooked'.
1994 - Kitty porn makes its first appearance on the primitive internet.
2007 - The first human trials of Neuroipods suffer drawbacks when a vast majority of test subjects contract iEllepsy.
2010 - Sarah Palin kicks off the first annual Alaskan Sasquatch Appreciation Day.

Archive · View today · View tomorrow

Featured biography

Charles Parnell "Chuck" Norris (born March 13, 1944) is a Certified Public Accountant from Wilmington, Delaware. Norris has had an unexceptional career in accounting, and is utterly at a loss to explain why people have been making fun of him since the early 1980s.

Norris was born in the small town of Lewes, Delaware on March 13, 1944, the third of four children. His father, Ellsworth Q. Norris, worked at a warehouse where toy cars with chipped paint were stored until they could be shipped back to the manufacturer for repainting (toys with different defects were stored in a separate warehouse across the street). His mother, Pearl Norris, was known for making "the best darn tootin' apple cobbler in Lewes."

Norris was a B student, but received high marks in mathematics. At age 18, he made the bold decision to "move to the big city" of Wilmington (pop. 72,000), a decision for which his mother would gently chide him for the rest of her life. Norris found employment at the small CPA firm Lee, Gracie & Seagal, where he continues to work to this day.

In 1965, Norris married Ruth Smith, an intern at his father's warehouse. Over the next five years, the Norrises gave birth to 2.7 children (Thomas, Mary, and Cristop Norris), and acquired a small dog and some tropical fish. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

Confucius Say: Me Love You Really Long Time, featured on 24 March 2022: Featured version
Amazon: A survival story, featured on 24 March 2014: Featured version
Still life, featured on 24 March 2013: Featured version
Sylvia Plath, featured on 24 March 2012: Featured version
The Abridged Reader's Digest Abridged Classics, featured on 24 March 2011: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 24

Picture of the day

If you don't buy their chicken, you might end up disappearing.

Image credit: Bezdomniy
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Did You Know?

... that liberals want to eat your children? (Pictured)

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... no, you didn't! Stop lying!
... that Wikipedia features DYKs about mosaic floors that were discovered between 1932 and 1939?
... that the great Wall Street Crash of 1929 led to many opportunities for great photography of homeless people and farmers covered in dust the following years?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that people who "have their cake and eat it too" are 10 times more likely to die of obesity than people who only "have their cake"?
... that two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights make an airplane?

... that BET is dedicated to bringing quality entertainment to the masses? (Pictured)

... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... about Alliteration articulating an artistic approach aimed at annotating and arranging alphabetic accouterments as alarmingly asinine alignments?
... that the first use of "LOL" is in Shakespeare's play, As You Like It, and that the first use of "OMG" may be found in Macbeth?
... that while most Popes don't shit in the woods, sometimes bears are Catholic?
... that The Great Toilet Paper Famine of 2020 was caused by Uncyclopedians?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that Ann Coulter is a highly successful parody of right-wing political rhetoric?

... that I started drowning two minutes before typing this? (Pictured)

... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that if Mommy is willing to lie about a freaky old dude who sneaks into children's bedrooms in the middle of the night to eat your cookies and drink your milk, she'll no doubt be willing to deceive you about everything else?
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that 69% percent of statistics contain sexual innuendo?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that, because of Anonymous' credibility, he has become a frequent source of information for news articles?

... that no, doing this does not make your incompetence any less obvious? (Pictured)

... that this sentence is incomple
... that Barns and Nobles is the most successful medieval farming roleplaying game, played by millions of teenage nerds worldwide?
... that virgins are actually alien beings with zero sex organs, and reproduce via telekinesis?
... that a very large number of events, both noteworthy and non-noteworthy, occurred in 1993?
... that although the effects of alternative medicine are difficult to separate from a placebo, dumb hippies are easy to separate from their money?
... that Euroipods is a website giving away free ipods in return for completing offers and reffering freinds to do the same?
... that if you fold your arms and try to touch your feet you look like a complete fucking fool?

... that video games have been linked to aggressive behavior in teenagers? (Pictured)

... that I am writing this from beyond the grave?
... that in 1933, the US Supreme Court accidentally repealed the 19th Amendment instead of the 18th Amendment, causing FDR - who abused Eleanor while he was in a wheelchair - to be reelected three more times due to women being banned from voting in the 1930's and 1940's?
... that 100% of people who make good life choices die?
... that condoms prevent many sexually transmitted diseases, and at least one erection? Sorry Candace...
...the Cleveland Indians were about to become the Cleveland Clevelands?
... that prune juice is the world's brownest juice, eventually?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?

... that Pope Francis (Pictured) played football for Argentina?

... that Uncyclopedia is riddled with subliminal messages? DRINK COCA COLA
... that Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales lost his virginity at age 34, but he found it again at age 35?
... that ten out of ten cigarette manufacturers agree that Cancer is great?
... that homeopathic solutions are an effective treatment for thirst?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?

... that John Travolta (Pictured) isn't gay?

... tennis isn't just a game?
... that Iran is all set to invade itself?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that the butler did it?
... that there is no other word for thesaurus?
... that sarcasm is a higher form of wit than the Russian Reversal?
... that since haste makes waste, and slow and steady wins the race, it follows that everybody who loses a race must therefore be charged with littering?

... that Vincent Price is laughing at you from the grave? (Pictured)

... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?
...Jacking off to more exotic fetishes doesn't make you special?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that I get knocked down, but I get up again, and you're never gonna keep me down?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that Santa sees you while you're sleeping, and he knows when you're awake?
... that other people can prevent forest fires too?

... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?

... the muffin man?
... that Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination A, the sister drug to Stupendous Tropical Meningitis Vaccination B, is very effective against Stupendous Tropical Meningitis?
... that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
... that 98% of Americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that doody played a very important role in the development of quantum physics?
... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that originally, Hell was an acronym for "Happiness, Euphoria, and Lively Laughter?"

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that you should invest in chicken stock?
... that I'd rather be a hammer than a nail?
... that under Communism, everyone gets a C?
... that bipolar bears are not to be messed with, more-so than polar bears?
... that The Root of All Evil is fishsticks?
... that Big Pharma wants to get you high?
... that Hitler killed himself out of fear of Soviet capture and torture, not because he saw the gas bill?

... that AMC's hit series Breaking Bad Wind (Pictured) featured the actors' real farts?

... that every time you blink, you get transported to another alternative Universe?
... that Jackson Pollock is the Jackson Pollock of painting?
... that contrary to popular belief, she never actually sold seashells by the seashore?
... that less than 10% of the world's cactus population contains gold inside?
... that in Spanish, "¡Chinga tu madre, cabrón!" means "Have a nice day"? Tell your friends!
... that contrary to popular belief, popular belief isn't all that popular?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

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Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

More HowTo's

Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

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