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Today's featured article

Foreign accent syndrome is a rare psychiatric disorder that, in its milder form, causes people it affects to pronounce words in a foreign accent. The disorder usually follows a brain injury caused by non-perforating head trauma, as perforating head trauma is much too gory for a proper mental illness. In extreme cases, victims of FAS can actually acquire knowledge of the foreign language associated with their new accent, slang terms and humorous exaggerated versions of national stereotypes included. A victim who develops a Lithuanian accent might acquire the Lithuanian language, tell other people to "Laizhyk asilo shikna", piss on bottles of Švyturys Ekstra, and date his sister.

As of the present, there is no known cure or treatment for FAS, and scientists have yet to completely unravel how the disorder works. People afflicted with the disorder are usually shunned within their community and turned into social pariahs. Fortunately, there are government sponsored programs that let victims of FAS assimilate in foreign countries where their accents are accepted. (Full article...)

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In the news

He literally fought nail and tooth for Team America

Team USA sweeps Canada in Olympic hockey (Pictured); Trump renews "51st state" banter
Want to know the next big investment? CLICK HERE! (this article is not sponsored by A.I.)
The Andrew Formerly Known as Prince BUSTED FOR EPSTEIN CONNECTIONS!
US Department of Health declares we should all become junk food eaters
So.. about that Super Bowl..
- Bad Bunny and TPUSA offer equally heathen, equally crappy halftime shows
- GEQBUS SAM DARNOLD HAS WON AN ACTUAL SUPER BOWL!! VERY NICE! Take that, Josh Allen and Lamar Jackson!
- Next season's Super Bowl revealed to be on Valentine's Day
Uncyclopedia servers shit themselves for two days straight
Tomodachi Life sequel to be released in April
Donald Trump still really, really wants Greenland
Alaska to pay for damages to Exxon Valdez

Ongoing: Nanny state officials breaching people's privacy rights via enforcing social media bans and digital ID under the pretext of "think of the children!" • Fallout from the Epstein Files • r/TheDarnold still having a massive field day • NFL fans experiencing withdrawal symptoms with the season now over • Team Canada rethinking life

Recent deaths: Brad Arnold • NFL season • Winter Olympics • Some kid from some movie you probably forgot existed, but had a funny title • James Van Der Beek (Not Dick Van Dyke, Ashley Roberts from the Pussycat Dolls!) • Robert Duvall • Kurt Van Dyke (not Dick) • Jesse Jackson • ~~YouTube~~ • Tom Noonan • Eric Dane • Melania Trump's big movie star career • Team Canada hockey, twice, AND their curling team • Some Nerd named Robert Carradine • Warner Bros. bidding war • Neil Sedaka • M-m-m-Ayatollah Ali Khamenei and other Iranian leaders

Not dead: Dick Van Dyke, who's 100, bitches!! (Not to be confused with James Van Der Beek) • Quinton Reviews

Upcoming deaths: Donald Trump • NYC's economy and snow handling capability • Weed • Dick van Dyke, eventually • Dancin' Maduro • Iran's government • The careers of everyone named in the Epstein Files • the US government, again • A Las Vegas hotel that no one's going to remember • Mexico • Smiling Friends

UnNews Main · Archive

On this day in history

March 1: International Grue Day

1950 - Grues are first discovered living under couch cushions and inside tumble dryers.
1964 - Grue farmers release a whole colony of Grues into the wild, to hunt them for their silky and fragrant hide.
1972 - Louisiana Grue hunter and businessman Phil Robertson invents the Grue Call a whistle which imitates the dulcet mating call of the Grue.
1974 - While protesting the selling of Grue hide, one hippie is accidentally eaten by a Grue. It was a one time thing, they only do that when they're hungry.
1981 - The Grue population enters a rapid decline due to overhunting and a government campaign to vilify the grue.
1999 - The Grue Relations through Understanding and Empathy (GRUE) organization is formed to combat harmful memes about Grues and their supposed danger to society.
2001 - GRUE are all eaten by grues.

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Featured biography

Sylvia Plath was a suicidally-depressed female poet. She is generally considered to be one of the best writers to work within the suicidally-depressed-female genre, having written several classics of depressing female literature, including the poetry collections Ariel and The Colossus and the novel The Bell Jar.

Since her suicide at the tender age of 30, Plath has grown to become a feminist icon; often perceived as a female genius who struggled within a patriarchy that dismissed her literary expression and sought to demean her as a sex object. She is was also a hottie.

Plath was born, quite aptly, during the Great Depression. As she said in her poem The Suicide Cloud: "for me, the Great Depression never ended". Her mother was a teacher of English, while her father was a bee enthusiast who made his name by writing two books about bees. Apparently he couldn't say everything he wanted to with just one book about bees. Plath's parents were clearly huge influences on her for the rest of her life, and from a very young age she became dedicated to poetry - poetry that contained a frankly baffling multitude of references to bees. (Full article...)

More Biographies

Today's featured lists

Featured today a long time ago

James Bevel, featured on 1 March 2012: Featured version
UnNews:World distracted, Israel reverts to scheming, featured on 1 March 2011: Featured version
Earth, featured on 1 March 2010: Featured version
EDSAC, featured on 1 March 2009: Featured version
In Confidence We Walk: Upton Sinclair's Keynote Speech to the National Writer's Consortium, 1943, featured on 1 March 2008: Featured version

Recent articles

Update recent list · All articles featured March 1

Picture of the day

The future of proctology isn't in your hands, your hands are in it.

Image credit: Serge Billault
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Did You Know?

... that playing Dungeons & Dragons has caused many teenagers to loose their grip on reality? (Pictured)

... that 45% of Japan's electrical and nuclear power is produced by manual labor? (Pictured)

... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that Uncyclopedia admins are such lazy bums, they ask their users to think of DYK submissions?
... that if the earth were the size of an apple, we would fall off?
... that I just had sex, and hey do you got any napkins?
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that the world will beat a path to your door if you build a better Mousetrap?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?

... that male and female giraffes have been banned from living together in the New York City Zoo since 1975? (Pictured)

... that everytime we touch, I get this feeling?
... that in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
... that babies explode when you put them in the microwave?
... that those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
... that 90% of all video game high scores are set by one guy called "AAA"?
... that the police are at your door?
... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?

... that What's-his-name off that thing (Pictured) was in that film with that other dude?

... that you just lost the Game?
... that Heaven has met its quota, and your dead granny has just been waitlisted?
... that a rose by any other name would be called something else?
... that the apostrophe is a small animal which has infected millions of books?
... that Joe Biden stepped in dog shit?
... that your baby boy would one day walk on water?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?

... the secret to good advertising is to lie? (Pictured)

... that if I had to describe myself in three words, I would say "not very good at maths"?
... that communist jokes are only funny if everyone gets them?
... that Jimmy Mozzarella is pissing in your closet?
... that Martin Van Buren is a total dick and nobody likes him?
... that Ben Stiller's face makes everything funny?
... that there is no consensus among experts on vice presidential history that Al Gore exists?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?

... that Elvis is NOT dead? (Pictured)

... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that someone reading Uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we barely have pornographic content?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that solid, liquid, and gas all come out your ass?
... that women are more likely to have a vagina than men?
... that the butler did it?
... that still lifes are the most interesting paintings?

... that I'm secretly looking for Nazi Gold right now? (Pictured)

... that the Uncyclopedia Discord link contains a virus called which infects your computer with the Uncyclopedia Discord?
... that Anonymous has written over 4,323,904,528 poems and 23,900,241 short stories, among a million other kinds of written word?
... there's a ninja behind you but it left when you turned around?
... that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?
... that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
... that the Virgin Birth is no longer considered a miracle? Women have been giving birth to virgins for centuries!
... that no true Scotsman sugars his porridge, while every true Irishman does?

... cluck gawk cluck cluck cluck cluck bock bock cluck cluck B`gawk? (Pictured)

... that this is just a distraction while we take your car?
... that male vampires are delighted when the female vampire goes on her period?
... that the oozy, off-colored mound of bloody what-ever-it-is stretching its way out of what used to be a tiny hole is a baby's head?
... the IRS is asking what's love got to do with your taxes?
... that you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that people residing or visiting Canada often ask themselves, "Why am I in Canada?"

... that this topless woman is clearly unhappy about her situation? (Pictured)

... that the rumors that you are paranoid were started by someone who's out to get you?
... that I think you know what's happening today?
... that the fictional droid C-3PO is fluent in over six million forms of communication, but only four of them are love?
... that sovereign citizens have all the rights of U.S citizens, without having to follow any of the laws?
... that abstinence is only 99.999% effective?
... that the only thing money can't buy is poverty?
... that rounding up sheep is easiest to the nearest ten?

... that in another time and place Rod Serling existed as a discarded cardboard cutout on the set of the Twilight Zone? (Pictured)

... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that you're more likely to get struck by lightning twice than to discard an irrational fear based on a statistic like this one?
... that the sky is up and the ground is down, except in Australia where the opposite is true?
... that Earth, Wind & Fire have produced a multi-season autobiography?
... that the average human male between the ages of 18 and 42 has thought about sex with Brad Pitt at least once?
... that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man? Withdrawal symptoms include nausea, hallucinations and possibly death?
... that telling someone you masturbated to their Facebook picture is frowned upon in society?

... that Sigmund Freud told me he slept with your mother last night? (Pictured)

... that a simile is like a metaphor? And hyperbole is the greatest thing ever?
... that Former President Bush prefers his Tuskegee airmen with a side of risotto and mushrooms?
... that if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
... that making drugs explode in your stomach is not a good way to make yourself smarter?
... that Deus ex machina is Latin for "cop out"?
... that every single day, we breathe enough air to continue living?
... that the only way the bible could have more holes is if it were written on Jesus's skin?

... that guilt tripping junk mail makes up 12% of Africa's GDP? (Pictured)

... that everything will become nostalgic due to everything being worse?
... that every time you fall asleep, you die?
... that the sound of a kitten falling into a wood chipper is still more pleasant than listening to Kidz Bop?
... that 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
... that you... you should have gone for my head? Oh Snap!
... that the Canadian government plans to convert the entire city of Vancouver into a giant marijuana farm by 2050?
... that school is an asylum where they mentally and physically abuse you for seven cruel hours, all with your parents' approval?

Archive · Suggest new entries

Featured story

The Quagga of Kuala Lumpur

The humble quagga

Often a man may find answers in battle, for such a man the epiphenomenon of their innermost thoughts pervade the empyrean shores of sheer fantasy. For such a man indeed the Quagga is the most valuable thing, for another such man, it is but a trifle. For the common man The Case of the Quagga of Kuala Lumpur is one of the more bizarre instances of law and order in the 20th century. The Quagga is an endangered beast that must be retrieved from the trischopian thought processes of a diabolic mind, cultured by the best philosophy and a taste for whale foreskin sofas. A mind honed to the methods of Greenock as well as the subtle arts of necromancy and the bestial needs of lesser men as well as having a perversity which only good breeding would allow.

It was well known that the Parisian chief constable was often seen to converse with Dr. Finnius Greenock, whom I have the privilege of sharing a mansion in the more modest area of Paris, France. Greenock was famed in areas of parochial law enforcement for his abilities in unsurpassed reason and the less than orthodox sciences such as metaphysics and complex logic. Greenock was also known to use the visions of chemically induced states which he was accustomed to employ in his pursuit of truth. (Full story...)

More stories

Featured HowTo

HowTo:Write the Great American Novel

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. (Full HowTo...)

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Featured Why?

Why?:Sell Cocaine to Monkeys

Hey guys, I'm Buzz Aldrin!

Why, hello, young traveler. Have you ever wondered to yourself, on one of your many excursions to the zoo, whether or not giving cocaine to the monkeys in the exhibit is such a good idea? Have you ever asked yourself questions such as "Should I do it?" or "Where can I find some?" or "Is it even safe?"

Well, you‘re in luck. First off, I would like to assure you that giving cocaine to monkeys is indeed an entirely safe procedure. Some might even consider it safer than giving humans cocaine! Imagine that? Not only is it safe, however, but indeed a very lucrative venture as well. Just think of the possibilities. Think about them. Think. Are you thinking? Yes, I know what you're thinking. The possibilities are indeed endless.

But heck, don't take my word for it. I'm just legendary space adventurer and All-American hero Buzz Aldrin. (Full Why?)

More Why?

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