English+

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“Britain sucks ass.”

~ The Pilgrims

The classic English+ speaker

English+, often known as Premium English or Fancy English is an inferior variant to the default English, despite its appealing name and for obvious reasons is looked down upon by many armed men headed to the firing range, or Americans for short. Contrary to popular belief, English+ actually has various degrees of premuicity (often referred to as the amount of British), which is defined by the amount of apparent British in the accent that one's ears can hear, which for most people is all the same.

The amount of premuicity in an English+ accent is typically determined by the location in which oneself is born, however children have the tendency to develop a marginal amount of premuicity after watching Peppa Pig for over 10 hours, which occurrence has been increasing greatly over the past decade, causing some concern among American parents worldwide, or all across America in International speak.

Degrees

English+ comes in 4 degrees of premuicity, which have different names respectively based on the region in which the dialect is commonly found. Accents without premuicity are labeled with premuicity level 0.

Standard English is the first degree to English+. This specific level of premuicity often goes unheard by most people, as when spoken, usually sounds close enough to the American speak. This degree of English+ also is widely used in broadcasting.

The second degree of English+ was ironically developed by the Brits themselves as a way of humour, due to being unable to exhibit behaviors of the superior humor. This degree is more noticeable than Standard English, and once recognized by the American species, the Brit will often receive endless hours of humiliation, which is something we cannot fix, unfortunately.

The third degree of English+ typically kicks in early in childhood. When this has happened, you can very clearly tell by the way they speak and people will no longer have to squint their ears in order to hear the accent. This is when you know your child has crossed the line between 'funny accent' to 'disability', and the child will likely be embarrassed, humiliated, discomforted and embarrassed for the rest of their life without a bo'oh'o'wa'er to carry with them serious intervention. Adults, however, will not develop symptoms of Degree III English+ when left untouched in their childhood.

English+ Pro Max is the most serious degree of English+. People who exhibit any symptom of a developing Degree IV should be quarantined and given a 12/7 tutoring lesson in order to revert the damage done to the person. If you have English+ Pro Max, then contact your local speech therapist (or a brain surgeon, for good measures) as immediate as possible. Symptoms include:

• Missing many letters in speech, such as 'Nor'n Ir'sh'
• Demanding imaginary items such as a "cuppa tea" or a "bo'oh'o'wa'er"
• Ending sentences with English+ words such as "mate" or "chap"

Speech patterns

The punctuation of English+ is biscuits. Biscuits often come in many forms, however the most commonly known biscuits are:

• Missing letters, typically the T
• Periods, which are just fast versions of spaces
• Commas, which just exist solely for the purpose of existing

• Brackets - or parentheses in English+ - literally transport words out of existence

Some degrees of English+ have different biscuits, however the above are phrases used among all degrees of English+. The American translation of biscuits is ammo, or 9mm caliber bullets in long-form.

The well-known punctuation of English+

Despite the fact that the 4 degrees of English+ have rather significant differences in their speaking patterns, speakers of English+ usually share some speech patterns in common with each other, which usually include: mate, chap, innit, cuppa, wa'er, yew, wot, dunno (though this one is only apparent in degrees of II and above for English+), and many others.

More times than not, the speakers of this inferior language are terrible at imitating the language of the armed men. This is how you know the crumpet-ridden folks are truly inferior.

Accents

Speakers of English+ also have unique speaking ways (different from patterns, mind you) that are different to the regular speaker of the English language. Most times, this is what makes an English+ speaker so hard to understand; in a way that makes us awkwardly laugh and cover up the confusion with humiliation.

Often, a speaker of English+ will speak abnormally fast. Recent studies have shown that the speed of an English+ speaker's speech can exceed speeds of up to 299,792,458 meters per second (metre in English+) and will cause the listener's ears to go through a painful process of spontaneous combustion, though English+ speakers have shown to have ears made of literal steel as a result of the British species gradually adapting to their harsh climate.

The Great English+ Dance

Annually, the speakers of English+ will all collect into one, stuffy room of depressed biscuit-eaters and will each jot down a random name on a piece of paper, slotting it into a glass box. This unique dance among the English+ species is called The Great English+ Dance.

The papers are then collected by some other British people who do a bunch of math (they hate their job, thanks for your concern) and mercilessly regurgitate the most frequently written name with no consideration on the mental and physical health of the watchers of this gruesome process. Most watchers have their eyes pulled out willingly and only the best of the best survive. This is a completely natural process, often known as survival of the fittest.

The Great English+ Dance is also a major source of Britain's exceedingly high crime rates. Some of these participants change races and cause mass-destruction, preferably with a gun of sorts.

Here's a tip if you want to live. Don't go there. Don't even talk about it. Anyone who reveals the true nature of this ritualistic dance will die, and you can only die once. Remember that.

Origins

The consequences of Britain sucking ass

Despite what the Americans will say, English+ and British English are not the same thing. You see, quite a long time ago, these two dialects along with the American language were once a cross-breed of these languages, called Latin.

A group of madmen later known as the Angles and Saxons brutally fucked and invaded England, converting the language of delusional paganism and extreme liver damage into the land of inferiority. Elizabeth II made this even worse better, with biscuits and tea.

The Pilgrims later decided to leave Britain for reasons related to problems with the now Old English, and later forged American-English with the heart of a thousand guns and many racist slurs. After the split, biscuit-addicts and crumpet-infected fools soon diverged with no sticky substance to hold them together, forming into the languages which we know today as English+ and British English. This also caused a war, specifically the American Revolutionary War.

Nowadays, British English and English+ are considered to be the same thing, when they are not. It is crucial to acknowledge the difference between the two VERY different languages or some will come for you. No one is safe from the wrath of the British. People have tried; none have succeeded. It is best if you leave this topic alone when chatting to one of these people, or you could start World War III.

Trivia

• The creator of this page exhibits symptoms of English+ Degree II.
• Biscuits are commonly known as 'punctuation' in International speech.
• KCIS contains a cult specially designed for the English+ speakers.

See also

• American-English
• British English
• English language
• British people