Stephen Hawking
“I'm not a fan of his work”
Stephen 'Stairmaster' Hawking was a scientist, the inventor of string, a fire juggler, and in 1991 was voted both "World's Sexiest Cripple" and "Paraplegic I would most like to go to bed with" by his colleagues at the Institute of Astute Astrophysicist Bastards (IAAB), Vermont. He died on 14 March 2018 after running his motor-scooter into his bookshelf at home.
Professor Hawking is powered by 9000 triple A batteries running a student copy of Windows 95 on a 486 laptop. He has been married 24 times, and has fathered 247 children obtaining a minimum of 163 STD's including HIV.
A Brief History of Stephen Hawking (A.K.A. Hawk dogga)[edit | edit source]
Born Stephen William Hawking the Third, Hawking displayed a high IQ at an early age, earning the ire of his classmates. Following an unfortunate frat initiation accident which resulted in his being thrown off a cliff, lit on fire and mauled by tigers, Hawking was crippled and forced to use a wheelchair taking on the nickname "Professor X" or "Spiderman" due to his inability to get out of a bath.
When he became 21, Stephen sought people that were in the same position as himself. He found some 'soul mates' in Richard Humming, Sander Clops and John Johnston. Together they started an underground organization called 'Scientists In Negotiation' (SIN). They were widely regarded by the church as sinners and homo-fags. In defence of this, they all wrote papers that showed conclusive scientific evidence that the Catholic Church is full of shit. Since SIN was doing so well, other scientists like Isaac Newton, Ballsaac Newton, Bert Einstein, and Isaac's little brother Jonathansaac "Johnny-boy" Newton decided to form an anti-SIN organization also known as SIN (SIN Is Nasty). Bert's more famous brother Albert was asked to join SIN (the second one), but refused, stating "This is bullshit." (This moment was captured in the famous "raspberry" photo.)
SIN (the second one) received funding from the Catholic Church, who wanted to get back at Hawking and the rest of SIN (the first one)for severely diminishing their hordes of mindless followers with evil devices such as fact and reliable evidence. This action sparked a bloody feud between SIN (the first one) and SIN (the second one), resulting in several deaths on both sides. In 1938 Johnny-boy Newton was found dead in the back of truck that was carrying manure. Twenty bullets were found spread across his body. One bullet had the form of a computer speech transmission device mounted on a wheelchair, which incriminated Hawking in the murder (it WAS him, anyway). Hawking was tried and arrested for the pwning of Johnny-boy Newton, but managed to escape from jail via wormhole. Hawking and the rest of SIN retreated to their super-secret base located inside a black hole. These guesses are based on the fact that Hawking is able to warp the fabric of time and space itself, thus making the base almost impenetrable.
Living on the Sun[edit | edit source]
Stephen Hawking has been quoted saying that "Man must move to the Sun in order to survive". He says that although it will not be as comfortable as earth, it will help fight global warming in addition to the use of the BFB (Big Fucking Bomb). The dust from the explosion would block out the sun and throw the earth into a nuclear winter.
Stephen Hawking claims that with a little sunblock, and 15 feet of concrete the sun can be as habitable as, say, Detroit.
Life as a Quake Master[edit | edit source]
After acquiring his Masters Degree in the field of Disaster, and a PhD in Wheelchair Propulsion (his thesis on the many uses of the Pressurised Wheelchair won him a Nobel Prize in the field of Torpor), Steven Hawking spent several years mastering the game of Quake and its many sequels, spin-offs, and mods. When asked about Steven Hawking, fat4l1ty said "That motherfucker h4x".
Scientific View on Panties[edit | edit source]
After conducing research for his latest book "A Brief History of Briefs" Hawking recently formed a scientific hypothesis, which stated that wearing briefs, panties, stockings, suspenders or any other form of undergarment is in fact very beneficial mostly men but also women. He proved (through a double blind "iron clad" test) that not wearing panties is actually a very foolish thing to do.
He is So Pimp That[edit | edit source]
Some well known facts about Stephen:
- He won the Daytona 500 race in his wheelchair in 1998.
- He can actually walk and even run at speeds upwards of thirty five miles per hour; he "Just doesn't feel like it, and anyway it's great for publicity"
- He is actually both the father and son of Stephen King after seducing his own father's mother while time travelling.
- He regularly gets laid by freshmen women at the University of Cambridge in the Lucasian Chair, the same chair that Newton once sat upon.
- Kip Thorne, the American theoretical physicist must send Stephen Hawking Penthouse for the rest of his life because Hawking won a bet about Black Holes.
- In 2001, he released his pro skateboarding video game: Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair. The sequel, Stephen Hawking Pro Wheelchair 2 was released in 2003, with spin-off Stephen Hawking's Offroad Rampage following in 2004.
- He once played the hit game Team Fortress 2, maining the "Scout" class as it would have been the only way he could run. Additionally, he enjoyed playing the sub-class "Trolldier" as he enjoyed getting himself off of the ground for a change.
See also[edit | edit source]
- Career as an actor
- UnNews:Hawking: "We were wrong about everything" Interview exclusive.
- A brief history of bullshit
- Mad Science
- The True Meaning Of Life
- Hammerspacetime
- Stephen Hawking ran over my cat
External links[edit | edit source]
