Mad Science

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Tesla: Recognized Inventor of Mad Science

Mad Science, not to be confused with Weird Science, started out as a subdivision of Real Science, but over the years it has gained a life of its own. Mad science is categorized by a lack of ethics, fueled by a general insanity, and driven by a brilliant (or at least a Stoned As Fuck) mind.

Modern society is greatly in debt to Mad Science and it's various breakthroughs: Floating Dome Cities, Robot Butlers, Super Heroes, etc. These conveniences are usually taken for granted by people like you, but imagine a world without them...

Sadly, the few failures of Mad Science usually come to the forefront and taint its File: Zombie Virus, Re-animated Dinosaurs, Orbital death rays, and the like. It is the failings of Mad Science: the massacres, explosions, and gruesome accidents that are remembered, never the many successes.

Branches of Mad Science[edit | edit source]

Nikola Tesla, the first recognized Mad Scientist, was a true Renaissance madman. He dabbled in a bit of everything: Robots, Genetics, Lasers, and Kitten Huffing; he did it all. But after he was dead and gone, those he instructed decided to specialize the field. It is this crucial moment that led to the development of the Branches of Mad Science.

Lasers[edit | edit source]

Also known as "Mad Physics", this was one of the quickest branches to develop. This may have been because Tesla had done so much for the field even before it was officially created. Many Mad Scientists after him built on his successes.

On the Cutting Edge of laser research are Laser Felines, developed by Dr. Felix T. Cat.

Some notable examples being:

  • Dr. LaForge-Invented a reliable optic laser that was effective in giving him his sight back. Sadly, it fell into the hands of his evil twin, who used the laser for his own evil ends, but not before re-blinding the hapless Dr. LaForge.
  • Dr. von Doom-His advances in laser technology can be seen any time he uses his high powered gauntlet beams to kill innocent people. Note how bright he got the beam, and also the near instantaneous death that is achieved.
  • The Floyd Institute-Were the first to perfect the blend of music and lasers. So far their development has only been used for good. But you never know what Death Metal is goning to do...
  • Dr. Miyamoto-Lead developer on the Light Gun Project, a project originally intended as a weapon of mass destruction, but it was severely underpowered. Thankfully it was still workable, and was redeveloped as a game console that wound up dominating the market even to this day.

Laser Mad Science involved the super heating of Light particle/waves as to cause serious damage to the human body. Though heated light can be used for other purposes, to do so is to pervert the basic idea behind lasers.

Other minor subdivisions of lasers involve Gravity Guns, Particle Exelerators, Tesla Coils and the like. But since lasers clearly dominate, the field of Mad Physics is named for them.

Robotics[edit | edit source]

Dr. The Giant, demonstrating his newly perfected servos, used in the construction of his cybernetic hand.

Also known as "Mad Engineering", Robotics is mostly concerned with the creation and maintaining of robots. Tesla always dreamed of an army of automatons, sadly he lacked the material during his own lifetime. But he left stacks upon stacks of notes that allowed future generations to have a good laugh at how inept Tesla was with Robotics.

Thankfully, later generations perfected the ideas, developing Tesla's dream piece by piece until finally, the robot army was unleashed upon mankind.

  • 1322ad- Tesla begins work on his ideas for an army of androids. He dies in a battle with, then hero, Abraham Lincoln before he can attain his ultimate dream.
  • 1528ad- Booker T. Washington, after burning Tesla's utterly useless notes and begins work on the basic structure of a robot. He decides that they should have roughly the same amount of limbs as a human, but be made of metal. Sadly, this is as far as he gets, for the very next day he was slain in a cage match by rival Mad Scientist, Andre The Giant.
  • 1648ad- Over one hundred years later, Dr. The Giant finally set down to finish what his (now Zombified) rival had started. Andre was probably the key figure in the development of the robot army, with the development of, not only the arm and leg servos that are still used to this day, but also of early Artificial Intelligence.
Hail to the King (for Life)
  • 1699ad- At the dawn of a new century An Unknown Scientist works hard into the night, finally unleashing a massive automaton on the city of Japan. Though far from an army, the destructive capabilities of the robot were truly proven that day.
  • 1864ad- Thomas Edison creates a robot that runs completely on steam. The mad scientific community proceeded to make fun of him, calling him "The biggest tool since Tesla". He responded by inventing the Space Shuttle and flying away to crybaby town for vacation.
  • 1921ad- Unknown German scientists began work on Super Soldats, with the original purpose of being effective cookie making robots. Utilizing Nikola's Tesla technology of electricity generation.
  • 1984ad- Big Brother creates the first robot with 100% interchangeable parts: O'Brian. Sadly, this robot was infected with a particular virus that made it desire only love, not war. Dr. Brother called the entire project off to go sulk in his room.
  • 2012ad- Brent Spiner introduces mass-production to the equation, and at long last the Army of Robots sweeps over the globe, installing Spiner as King for Life.

Genetics[edit | edit source]

Also known as "Mad Biology" genetics came from a specific project of Tesla's in which he was trying to reanimate a corpse. He had a few modest successes, and many followed in his footsteps. But it is a long and twisting path from the Mad Geneticists of yester year, and those of today.

Dr. Richards' quest for the Land of the Lost eventually became the film "The Land Before Time"
  • Victor, Baron von Frankenstein - Victor von Frankenstein was already one of the most esteemed Bavarian scientists when he began with his project to create life from the dead. He robbed graves and morgues with his feeble-minded henchmen, gathering various body parts and Unfortunately, Igor was unable to acquire the brain of Albert Einstein as planned, so he took the one belonging to a movie actor, Boris Karloff. He used the power of lightning itself during a great storm because of the lack of electricity generating technology at the time.
  • Keith Richards- Feeling nostalgic for his youth, Dr. Richards scoured the globe for traces of Dinosaur DNA. After years of diligent searching, he finally was able to find some damaged fragments, which he repaired with some amphibian DNA he just had laying around. Once he had resurrected a whole park full of Thunder Lizards, he became dissatisfied, mumbling something about preferring the original. He nuked the new dinosaurs from space (just to be sure) and began his infamous hunt for the land of the lost.
  • Dr. Christopher Kringle- In an effort to create the perfect workforce Kringle attempted to cross zombie DNA with Orlando Bloom. The effect was perfect, leading to an immortal and sexually ambiguous slave race that Kringle could exploit into the foreseeable future. This project was the first to employ crossbreeding, which would set pace for Genetics for later years.
  • Predator- Perhaps one of the most well known cases of genetic engineering, Dr. Predator spent decades perfecting project A.L.I.E.N. in order to develop the perfect prey. Sadly, due to budget constraints, instead of the pink, fluffy, cute animal, Predator had to settle for a sleek, black affront against god. When asked about it later, Dr. Predator commented:
God Save The Queen!

“Well, you know... it's a bit of a disappointment, but all in all, as long as I get to kill it, it's all good.”

~ Predator on Project A.L.I.E.N.
  • Boba Fett- Widely recognized as the first perfected clone. Though his creators are completely unknown, it is clear that Fett is a complete and perfect clone of none other than Queen Elizabeth. Not suprisingly, once the clone was made, the Queen demanded he be executed immediately. There was great confusion when Fett attempted to take the throne after the Queen's death, claiming he had a stronger genetic tie to the monarch than even her children.
Fett took the throne in 1993.

As you can see, the art of Genetics has evolved over the years. Though it is now less concerned with reanimating the dead than before, the roots are still present. The overall goal of Mad Biology remains the same: to wrest power from an uncaring God, and put it into the hands of man.

Cryptozoology[edit | edit source]

Mothman, shortly after his luncheon with Dr. Gere.

This branch of Mad Science was sparked by Tesla's mid-life obsession with finding The Mothman. Though he was unable to ever capture the elusive beast, due to the mothman's cloaking ability, Tesla (in his usual form) left copious notes that allowed the future cryptozoologist Richard Gere to catch up to the beast at a local diner.

But the field didn't stop there; Mad Science is hot on the trail of many so called "legendary creatures". Over the years, they have successfully caught a number of subjects including the Loch Ness Monster, Yoda, a dragon and Mr. Rogers.

However, there are many more that continue to elude Mad Science:

  • Bigfoot- Magic Ape-like creature native to the city of Portland, Oregon. The unmapped nature of the area makes it very hard for Mad Scientists to locate him. This wouldn't be so bad, if not for the taunting phone calls that wake us up at 3am! Real mature Bigfoot!
  • The Kraken- This master of the sea rules the North Atlantic with an iron fist. Though numerous attempts have been made to gain an audience with this undersea tyrant, the messengers usually return with several limbs missing, and a far-off look. With any luck, the next guy will be fine.
  • Hide and Go Jesus- The hunt for this beast has been going on for so long without any success that most of the Mad Scientists are beginning to doubt its existence.
  • Dolphin- A mythical half-man, half-fish, half-plant, half-dwarf, this creature is known to patrol the desert highways of France, hunting for bargains at the various caravans that pass through. The dolphin is constantly hunted by Dr. F. Williams who hopes to finally capture the beast for study. really is uncanny!
Note the resemblence...
  • Cthulhu- Hailing from the sunken city of R'lyeh, Cthulhu reamins dormant until the stars turn right. Sadly, the maps of this area are worse than those of The Forest That Nobody Cares About, so Mad Science can only keep trying. One man at the forefront is Dr. Zoidberg who believes Cthulhu is his real father.
It is quickly becoming the leading theory that Cthulhu is, in fact, hiding from Zoidberg, in order to escape paying years of back child-support.

World Domination[edit | edit source]

“Soon the world will be mine! MINE! AHAHAHAHAHAHAA!”

~ A Mad Scientist on The World

Also known as "Mad Political Science", World Domination is the secret (or not-so-secret) desire of every Mad Scientist. There is no real agreed upon set of ideas in this field, as each madman has his or her own plan for conquest that usually involves one of the above categories.

Ironically, this is one of the few things that Nikola Tesla did not aspire to. He was such a genius that he realized that to rule the world, one would have to apply super-human effort to keep it running. He always kept his goals small, setting his sights on a single nation.

But this fact has not stopped countless generations of Mad Scientists from attempting to take the reigns of earth, and run it into the ground!

Grand Emperor Stewart I 1231-1489[edit | edit source]

Statue of Grand Emperor Stewart the First, located in Toronto, Canada.

A mad genius who used his personal Air Fortress to launch all-out attacks at the capitals of major countries. After 5 years of all-out war, the world surrendered to his all-out will. Stewart's rule was characterized by wild orgies, mass poverty and arbitrary law that was enforced at the will of the Grand Emperor himself.

Stewart is also known for his love of building. Once he landed his Fortress early in spring 1300, a site that became known as Toronto, he built massive spires that sang his glory across the seven continents. He is also responsible for the Swiss Alps, Georgia and the University of The North Pole.

Unfortunately for this Grand Emperor, a strong underground movement grew, mounted a strong offensive and ultimately routed Stewart. After the final battle, Stewart escaped in his Time Machine to the Dark Side of the Moon where he plots to this day.

The OverQueen 1932-1945[edit | edit source]

The OverQueen, pictured in her Ceremonial Robes.

A mastermind of games politic, The OverQueen used her already substantial powerbase to raise an undead army of disgusting proportions. The 32nd Great Zombie war was a brief one, lasting only a few minutes, but the outcome was clear:

The OverQueen was granted absolute reign over the planet Earth, and the Sea of Tranquility. But power, as it usually is, was quick to corrupt. What had began as a new utopia turned quickly into a smelly, dirty world, city after city.

The end came swiftly, but not from outside. No, The OverQueen's rule came crashing down from within. A disgruntled clerk snuck into a special meeting and assassinated the OverQueen with a deadly poison. With the head cut off, the body died spectacularly as generals under the Queen fought over the pieces of her empire. The result of the Massive War Of Everybody Against Everybody left the world configured much like we see it today.

Grand Emperor Stewart II 1997-today[edit | edit source]

An image from the now famous Stewart-Chappelle Debates.

The current ruler of the planet, Emperor Stewart II, grabbed power during the Great Depression. Using his massive robotic exoskeleton Stewart swept the world, building homes for the homeless and crushing those who questioned his power.

Complete Domination came in the memorable election in 1996 between Stewart and Dave Chappelle. Stewart just squeezed out a victory after his opponent's widely publicized Sex Scandal. Almost immediately Stewart went to work cementing his power. He did away with all elections for the foreseeable future, and also blew up several dams just for the hell of it.

Life under the second Stewart regime has, so far, been similar to life before. The Grand Emperor makes sure that there are at least 3 wars at any given moment, allows the election of puppet politicians and makes sure the trains run on time.

Mad Science for Kids![edit | edit source]

Mad Scientists have recently joined the toy company to produce Mad Science for Kids!. Now, like the scientists, children can produce their own freakish creatures. All you kids have to do is collect some DNA and put in in this little machine-box thingy. Wait for a few minutes, and you will have your own mutant to play with.



See Also[edit | edit source]


This article, as mad and bizarre as it may be, might actually be TRUE!
Unbelievably this crackpot made a big bundle of cash peddling his whackjob theories to gullible morons.