Danny Elfman

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Danny Elfman.
800px-Danny Elfman Satan Forbidden Zone.jpg

“He's only a lad!”

~ Everybody on Danny Elfman

Daniel Robert "Danny" Elfman (born Danny Satan; May 29, 1953) is the prolific American composer of over 2 billion film scores (but mostly the Simpsons theme). He is also the former leader of the Church of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo, Arch-Duke of the Forbidden Zone, noted pedophile, and everyone's favourite tap-dancing devil.

The Elfman Cometh[edit]

It was a cold and blustery Southern California day when Danny Elfman came into this world. He is in fact an elf in the Chronic of Narnia. On the ride home he was already impersonating Cab Calloway, which annoyed the fuck out of his parents. As punishment they shipped him off to Africa where he wandered in a malaria pill induced haze until he was rescued by his brother, famed director Richard Elfman. Richard took Danny to see the bright lights of Paris where they were drafted into a travelling circus. It wasn't long before the two brothers became bored, they kidnapped a few of the circus performers and took then back to California. Thanks to the combined miracles of Stockholm Syndrome and alcohol these kidnapped circus folk agreed to help the Elfmans form the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo.

The Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo - A Journey into the Forbidden Zone[edit]

The Mystic Knights travelled around California, performing on the street in exchange for kisses and crusts of bread. One day they were performing outside of a secret laboratory when an explosion in the lab resulted in Danny becoming able to breathe fire. This new trick earned them much praise from passers by, some of whom started to give the group money. With the money he got from fans, and the money from his secret life as a bank robber, Richard Elfman was able to start filming a documentary about the exploits of the Mystic Knights. He called this film "The Forbidden Zone" and he got his brother Danny to compose the score. It was apparent to everyone who saw the film that Danny Elfman was the greatest composer who had ever lived, unfortunately only about 20 people saw the film and they were all crazy so nobody listened to them. But that didn't matter because, at the time, Danny Elfman didn't want to compose film scores, he wanted to RAWK!!! Ahem... he wanted to rock.

Danny killed off a good 2 thirds of the Mystic Knights, leaving him with a sleek and stripped down band of only 7 rockers. He called this new band Oingo Boingo and they took California by storm. They held two shows a week and threw annual Halloween parties which inspired a cult like following among the kool-aid sipping youth. Danny pushed the boundaries of rock by writing thought provoking songs about Robert Hilburn and the joys of Capitalism. One of Oingo Boingo's most famous songs, 'Little Girls' contained the truly inspirational lyrics: "I-I-I love little girls they make me feel so good/I love little girls they make me feel so bad". More and more fans and critics (except Robert Hilburn, that prick) rushed to join the cult of Boingo. But Elfman was becoming disenchanted with the fast-paced life of a rock and/or roll star. An interview he gave at the time gives a startling insight into his tormented mind:

Richard Elfman wonders why his younger brother Danny is more famous and successful than him, even though he's the one wearing the tie.

Interviewer: Mr. Elfman, this has been an excellent year for Oingo Boingo, wouldn't you agree?

Elfman: There are few who deny, at what I do I am the best, for my talents are renowned far and wide when it comes to surprises in the moonlit night I excel without ever even trying. With the slightest little effort of my ghostlike charms I can make grown men give out a shriek. With a wave of my hand and a well-placed moan I have swept the very bravest off their feet.

Interviewer: Uh, yeah... You seem to be pretty pleased with your success then?

Elfman: Yet year after year, it's the same routine, and I grow so weary of the sound of screams.

Interviewer: So are you thinking of maybe trying something else?

Elfman: Oh, there's an empty place in my bones that calls out for something unknown. The fame and praise come year after year, does nothing for these empty tears.

Interviewer: Right...

Friendship with Tim Burton[edit]

Among Oingo Boingo's growing legion of fans was a young mortician/aspiring director named Tim Burton. Tim had recently teamed up with an escaped mental patient/film star called Pee-Wee Herman. They were going to make a film together and needed someone to compose the score. Pee-Wee happened to be one of the 20 people who had seen "The Forbidden Zone" and recommended Elfman. Tim Burton was enough of a Boingo fan, and desperate enough, to listen to Pee-Wee's demented ravings and offered the job to Elfman. Danny accepted by skipping and holding hands with Burton. The film, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, succeeded in getting people to wear tight grey suits and red bow-ties, which was especially popular among women, and was the start of the Burton/Elfman partnership and the Stephen Spielburg/John Williams suicide pact, and was the happiest thing ever to happen to film.

Pee-Wee, inspired by Elfman, went on to write a hit single entitled "I Love Little Boys" that delved into the themes of pedophilia and homeosexuality.

Danny Batman; Rivalry with John Williams[edit]

John Williams had been the reigning King of Film Scores ever since the death of Bernard Herrman and the deafening of Ennio Morricone. One day, while perched atop his throne of Oscars his servants told him of a young kid named Danny Elfman who critics were calling "Hollywood’s hottest film composer". Little did Williams know they weren't just referring to Elfman's wicked cool sound but also to his ability to breathe fire. Williams ignored this praise and merrily went about his business until 1989 when the radical sounds of Elfman's Batman score were unleashed on the world. The music was swirling, dark, and complex. It made grown men weep and Michael Keaton seem like he could hit someone. Williams could no longer ignore the funky fresh beats of the newcomer and attempted to retaliate by composing the score to Home Alone, a graphic documentary on child abuse, his score was generally agreed to be "somewhat lame". Elfman countered with his score for Edward Scissorhands, which is generally considered to be the best sound ever made by anything on the planet. Williams was beaten, or was he?!?!1 Then Elfman and Burton sexually abused Williams into composing a dark Harry Potter score and he has never been the same since.