HowTo:Fire your Lazer
Welcome to the Uncyclopedia guide on how to fire your lazer. Have you ever wished that there was some way in which you could get that annoying kid in your Geography class to shut up without spilling too much blood? Do you want to knock that apple out of the tree without doing too much work? Do you simply want to do something you know only a handful of others can do? If you have answered 'yes' to any of these questions, you've got some issues. But that's okay, because now you can read this article on how to be able to fire a giant blue lazer from your mouth at unsuspecting people. For those who do not know what a 'lazer' is, please see the lazer article for enlightenment. Also, make sure you spelt it correctly. Not lazar or anything. You may also be interested in tazers, phazers, or perhaps other things that rhyme with 'lazer'.
Introduction[edit | edit source]
Quick, efficient, and painful on the receiving end, the lazer is a unique and powerful weapon that you can unleash upon your enemies at any time you wish. Or, if you simply want to show off for the opposite sex. This guide will teach you the proper way to master your lazer, focusing it into a deadly extension of your body. No, not that kind of extension. If you're thinking along those lines, perhaps you should be reading something else. You obviously aren't in the right frame of mind to be firing something as dangerous as a lazer. Shoop Da Whooping is an age old artform, and in today's fast paced, high energy world it can be used in many different situations and in many different ways. We recommend using your lazer to cook pizza. Yum! You can also impress a future boss during a job interview.
The art of firing your 'inner lazer' is a difficult process that only professionals or the downright insane should practice on a daily basis, let alone in the presence of others. If a lazer is fired incorrectly, it may swerve away from the intended target altogether and hit somebody else, who then might decide to beat you up and teach you a lesson (if they still exist). The lazer may possibly even backfire and hit you in the groin area, especially if you are not properly trained. This is probably the first thing that a person needs to learn before they can Shoop Da Whoop. You need to know when it is appropriate. It is essential that firing lazers is done in a wide area and with at least 10 meters between you and your target.
Is it legal where you live?: This is the first thing you should ask when shooping any whoop, since firing laasers is illegal in over 9000 states. In those states you could be severely punished for shooping or whooping of any kind.
Are there small children/old people nearby?: If so, don't Shoop your Whoop. Old people will instantly turn into dust because they fart pixie dust(non-magical kind),and young children will panic and tell on you.
Are there monkeys around?: This is a VERY important question to ask yourself before firing your lazer. Don't even ask what happens if there's monkeys around. It's just bad, really bad! Trust us.
If none of the above applies to you, congratulations! Simply follow these steps outlining the correct way to fire your lazer. It is important that you adhere to this guide at all times, and do not deviate from it at any point. Why else are you reading it? There are four main steps to correctly Shooping Da Whoop:
Step 1: The Breathing[edit | edit source]
Before you even think of starting to fire that lazer, you need to be sure that you have done the correct breathing exercises.
Many people who fire their lazer for the first time often die of asphyxiation simply because they forgot to breathe beforehand. Therefore it is crucial that you remember to breathe deeply before firing for a good minute. Take a nap, if you can. Hook yourself up to some breathing apparatus. Drink liquid oxygen. Just find some way of calming yourself down in preparation for firing. Do this for a while, and then you might be ready to fire. If you cannot wait, and your target is going to attack you, then maybe this is not the time you should be practicing to fire your lazer. You should probably be running. But no, if you want to fire your lazer now, then read on for the next steps. If you happen to fail running, then consider asking your assailant for head. Sometimes that works.
Step 2: The Preparation[edit | edit source]
After you have done the breathing exercises, you will need to focus on your intended target for proper aiming. You cannot fire your lazer if you have nothing to fire it at. That would just be silly. Why would you fire it into the air? The air hasn't done anything wrong. Poor air. Why must you bully it so? It is important that you keep yourself aimed at your target, or you might have a taco placed in your mouth. Tacos are the enemy of any Shoop Da Whoop. They fill up your mouth and block the lazer from destroying your target.Make sure to face the target with your body, and to visualize them getting hit with the lazer in your mind. Do not simply just turn your head to face the target! Many people have lost their lives (and their heads) when firing in the wrong position.
Step 3: Charging the Lazer[edit | edit source]
Again, you do not want to fire your lazer just yet. Necessary energy must be worked up, and only then will the lazer be primed and ready.
Like a precious steam train ready to derail, the lazer needs a fuel source to be fired. Many people think that screwing their faces up and crouching low will help them to build up the lazer without a fuel source. This is NOT true, and it only makes you look constipated. Nobody wants to look constipated at the wrong moment. No, the real fuel for a lazer is...is...is...anger. Yes, that's right. To fire that lazer, you need to be angry with the target. And I don't mean just furious. I mean angry. Really angry. Hate the target! Wish they were dead!! Destroy their pathetic insubordinate life!!! (mudane and evil laugh) Yeah, that sort of anger. If you cannot find that little flow of anger, then you will not be able to fire the lazer.
Step 4: Shooping!![edit | edit source]
Now is the time to fire your lazer. Once you have charged all of that anger, and the target is in plain sight, it is time. You, my friend, can fire your lazer!! To fire your lazer, open your mouth to its widest radius to give the lazer room to shoot out. Make sure that your eyes are wide enough as well, so you can see where to aim, and if the lazer is firing. Now, take a VERY deep breath and proceed.
Many experts on lazer-firing will tell you, and we will only repeat it here in this guide to appear smart, that a specific key word is needed if you are planning to fire your lazer later in life. Like a cute dog, your lazer can, and often will, respond to key words and/or phrases that you say during the phase of firing. Many people simply use the indecipherable 'BLAH!!' as a key word to trigger the lazer into firing. Others use full phrases, such as 'I'm-a firing ma lazer!!'or 'Dr. Octogonapus!!, in order to say something audibly, or to get over their dyslexia. The phrase you decide to use as a key word is up to you. Realize, however, that you must teach your lazer to fire on the instance that you speak the key word(s). Like a pet, this will take some time and a lot of patience, but it will pay off once you have taught your lazer the key word(s). From that point, you need only speak them and the lazer will fire automatically.
Note: This may be your first time Shooping da Whoop, it might be best if you have key word(s) ready for when the lazer fires. Actually, this should have been at the start of the guide, but who cares? Anyway, regular practice of lazer firing whilst speaking these key words (that you hopefully have prepared beforehand) will make perfect. For now, though, let us use the term 'Blah' as a key word, just for appearance's sake.
As your mouth and eyes are wide open and you are ready to fire, simply shout 'BLAH!!' at the top of your voice, and at the same time expel all of your held-in air. With luck, the lazer should use the anger in your held-in air and spontaneously ionize into a highly concentrated beam. It will then fly at high speed out of your mouth. If the lazer does not fire, repeat the process of this step again and again until the lazer has fired. If this does not work either and the lazer still does not fire, then there's something wrong with you, and you must repeat the whole thing from Step 1 of this guide. Do not get angry, it is not your fault that you cannot talk and breathe out at the same time. Perhaps you should read up on how to multitask first.
Once the lazer is (hopefully) in perpetual fire, simply aim it at the target by controlling the shape of your mouth. This should not really be necessary if you are already facing the target, but we all know you didn't follow that step. Somebody always forgets to follow that step. When your target is hit by the big ass Shoop Da Whoop lazer, several things might happen, but if all went totally well then the target, along with everyone around them, will be destroyed by the massive power that asploded out of your mouth. Once the lazer has hit the target, wait for it to stop ionizing with your anger. A trick for this is to immediately feel sorry for the remains of the target you have just obliterated with your lazer. This should stop it.
After the lazer has completely stopped, and you have exhausted/stopped all of your anger fuel, check to see if the lazer has actually hit the intended target. You do not want to waste time just firing your lazer and then miss. If the lazer has killed hit the target, then congratulations on your first lazer attack! If you have not hit the target, then regular practice will see to it that you manage to hit your targets with your newfound weapon. And then you can follow this whole guide over again. Bear in mind that it is not unusual for somebody to fail their first time. Remember, practice is the key. Practice, practice, practice, as some sort of Disney film might say.
Conclusion[edit | edit source]
Thank you for reading this guide on how to fire your lazer. By following these simple steps, you have been able to correctly Shoop your Whoop. Now you have an amazing destructive tool at your disposal. Just make sure you use it properly, and don't waste it on cheap party tricks or Youtube videos.
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