Cooliology is the scientific study of cool:
The first attempts at cooliology were an underdeveloped, retarded runt of the towering edifice we know and love today. Scientists were stumped by the complexity of cool and ended up gibbering like children. The earliest theories of cool can be sumarised as follows:
- The five factors that decide whether or not something is cool are:
An object is considered "cool" if it has two or more of these factors. For example:
- Pirates are cool, as they combine both violence and funny accents.
- Ninjas are also cool, as they are both violent and dress entirely in black, i. e. darkness.
- Black People are also very cool, 'cause they combine violence, darkness, and accents.
- black engineers are incredibly "overcool" as they combine all factors contributing to coolness: violence, accents, darkness and technology.
- A Zombie Baron would be way cool, because zombies combine violence and darkness, and the red baron had a funny accent... oh yeah.
- Hackers are cool as they use technology in darkened rooms. Violent german hackers are therefore ubercool.
An object which combines two or more cool objects is at least twice as cool. For example:
- Swords = cool (violence + technology).
- Guns = cool (also violence + technology).
- Therefore, swordguns = twice as cool as either a sword or a gun, whichever has the greatest level of coolness.
- The same logic applies to ninja pirates and cyborg assassins.
Note:Therefore: is a violent online paedophile the coolest person ever? (combining technology, darkness, violence and probably a silly accent)??? Any object can be made three times as cool by putting it in space. Any object in space that is galactic in scale is made nine times as cool.
- Pirates = cool. Space pirates = really cool.
- Ninja Pirates on Death Stars shooting superlasers at each other = really, really, cool!
Marxism and cool
The entire history of the world is a struggle between the cool and uncool classes.
Marxists created a theory of cool founded on the following axioms:
- Only cool people can determine if people are cool.
- Uncool people (people who are not cool) do not understand the concept of being cool.
- It is uncool (having the property of being not cool) to discuss what makes people cool.
From these axioms we can conclude the following:
- This article is not cool (see point 3).
- Therefore this article does not understand the concept of being cool (see point 2).
- The above axioms are therefore redundant.
The USSR was estblished using this theoretical framework, and we all know how that ended!
Feminist perspectives on cool
Brightly colourerd jumpers, they're cool right? And home made bread, so much better than that mass produced stuff.
I went to a beatles concert once, and a protest at greenham common! And I like my daughter's scissor sisters CD....
(several minutes of quiet sobbing follow)
Postmodernism and cool
Later a postmodern theory of cool was developed, this broke down the strictly regimented definition of cool used by the marxists. The dawn of this new era was heralded by Francis Fukayama's classic 'The End of Cool'. The new theory of cool stated that anyone could be cool, as long as they were aware of the fact that it is uncool to discuss what makes people cool. This means that in order to be cool you have 2 options:
- Never mention anything being cool, what it means to be cool or cool itself at all.
- Discussing cool is not cool, unless you are aware that discussing cool is not cool but you do it anyway, preferably discussing the very fact that it is not cool to discuss what is cool.
Academic Culture of Cooliology
Cooliology is studied at some of the most prestigious universities in the world, from the historic De Vry (founded in 2002) to the ultra modern University of Phoenix online.
Submissions to academic journals are often declined if the author seems overly enthusiastic about their work or discovery. An unnamed scientist wrote in 1992,
"I have just discovered a breakthrough in the science of cool! This is an amazing discovery that could change EVERYTHING WE KNOW about popular culture. An entirely new model for social politics has been discovered. This is the greatest event of the 20th century!"
That scientist's work was promptly thrown in the trash.