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I shall tell you of Britpop.

Historians from England will say I am a liar, but history is written by those who have hanged heroes. The King of Northern Ireland had died without a son, and the King of England, a cruel pagan known as Noël the Grohldigger, claimed the throne of Northern Ireland for himself. Northern Ireland's nobles fought him, and fought each other over the crown. So Grohldigger invited them to talks of truce, no weapons, one page only. Among the farmers of that shire was Malcolm Wheeler, a commoner with his own lands. He had two sons - James and Tim.

Early history[edit | edit source]

Tim and Dameon[edit | edit source]

"Just roll with it."

Young Tim met a young dame called Dameon at his father's funeral. His father, Malcolm, was killed by Grohldigger's soldiers soon before. Tim was given a purple flower by Dameon and kept it during his many travels in Europe. When Tim returned to Northern Ireland several years later as a grownup, he met Dameon again and gave her back the flower. The couple realized they were in love for all that time, and secretly got married. But as Grohldigger's soldier tried to rape Dameon, and was slapped by her - the girl was executed by the local Shakermaker. In response, Tim rose up against the soldiers, killing them all and ending Grohldigger's reign in his village, Downpatrick.

Tim and Jarvish[edit | edit source]

Jarvish has been Tim's oldest BFF since childhood. He is basically the anti-tragic-version of Dameon. Jarvish is always happy for some reason, even though he is but a commoner. Grownup Tim won back Jarvish's trust by throwing a small rock at his forehead. Since then, Jarvish has been wearing a band on his head, which he calls a "rock band". No one else in the world knows it's a "rock band", but being so true to himself as he is, Jarvish doesn't mind. And so he should.

Tim and Ste7en[edit | edit source]

"I am totally NOT a ripoff of the dude who claims owning the city square from Cinema Paradiso. Because I hate Italian Movies. Because I am Irish LOL."

Ste7en is a mad prophet from Ireland. He has been a hardcore Morgan Freeman fan, ever since he heard Morgan saying he was Irish in Shawshank Redemption. And so he named himself Ste7en, after that scary movie with Brad Pitt. Ste7en saved Tim from assasination while Tim was hunting a deer. He claims to be able to speak to God but no one seems to believe it is true. Moreover, people tend to completely ignore Ste7en, even though he is probably the best of Tim's soldiers, and with the most resemblance to Brad Pitt. Ste7en is also known for carrying on and on and on and on with no apparent reason. Ste7en can be a bit of annoying, actually. Ste7en, you see, has such a genius nickname that people are getting very annoyed when it is repeated over and over again, but Ste7en is just getting better all the time.

Tim and Gazabella[edit | edit source]

Gazabella, the Princess of Wales, was sent by Grohldigger to Tim with a false peace offering, as a bait, while Grohldigger was preparing to attack Tim's army. Tim realized Gazabella is alright, and even told her that he saw Dameon's strength in her. Gazabella fell in love with Tim and he gave her a Goldfinger in his tent. Gazabella kept sending war-tips to Tim using her loyal servant Brette, the royal slut, who was probably fucking Jarvish all along.

Tim and Britney[edit | edit source]

"We'll make spears."

Tim's infamous headgiving took place while being tortured by Grohldigger's head inquisitionist, Cool-A-Shaker. Cool-A-Shaker came to England from India and joined the Order of the Shakermakers almost immidiately. Known for his almost endless cruelty, Cool-A-Shaker ordered Tim to remember and say a word in Sanskrit, while drowning him in a bath of hot curry. When this didn't help, Tim was force-given a blowjob by Paris Hilton. Tim's final word was "Brit", and it is believed that he was trying to fantasize about Britney while dying. Britney was so touched by this gesture, that she moved to Northern Ireland and joined the local music scene, practically killing Grohldigger and leaving Gazabella to rule over England, while bearing Tim's illegal child.

The Battle of Britpop[edit | edit source]

In the year of our Lord 1996, patriots of Northern Ireland, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields at Downpatrick. They fought like warrior poets. They fought like Northirelanders. And left Britain in ashes.


This page was originally sporked from Braveheart by Mel Gibson.

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