Priti Patel
Priti Patel | |
|---|---|
 The Old Boiler, 2020 | |
| Home Secretary | |
| Assumed office 24 July 2019 | |
| Prime Minister | Boris Johnson |
| Preceded by | Who Cares |
| Personal details | |
| Born |
|
| Political party | Conservative (before 1995; since 1997) |
| Spouse | Satan 2004 |
| Children | 1 (Poor mite) |
| Signature |  |
Priti 'Vacant' Patel (unfortunately born 29 March 1952) is a British politician and convicted bully who has been out of her depth her entire life. She has been irritating the British public since becoming an MP in 2010 with her constant sneering, inability to connect with the electorate, mistreatment of many individuals & groups, and general disrespect to those who (stupidly) elected her. Patel is a staunch Brexiteer , therefore rendering anything else she does or says completely irrelevant and with little substance.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Born in Hell in 1952 to very embarrassed parents, Patel was a difficult and demanding child from the start. She took great pleasure in torturing cute small furry animals by submerging them in peanut butter before sticking them to planks of wood using drawing pins. Her parents were eventually forced to take her to a child psychologist who diagnosed her as just being a rather nasty piece of work however, this just appeared to drive Patel even more. At school she was a model student who studied hard and was eventually rewarded with a GCSE in Woodwork, French and Megalomania. After leaving school Patel worked at Our Price records as a sales assistant where she developed a detailed and intricate knowledge of the band Bucks Fizz, often locking herself in after hours so she could listen to their records. Her obsession with the band grew and in particular with one member, Bobby G. Patel managed to find out Mr G's address and started camping out in front of his house, following him and generally making a nuisance of herself. Mr G eventually resorted to taking out a restraining order taken out against Patel which stands to this day.
Patel decided at an early age that she wanted to cause as much hurt and suffering as possible to poor unfortunate people (which for her, was everyone) and joined the Conservative Party. In 2010 she became an MP for Essex constituency of Wearesof Uckednow when she just had the other candidates abducted and sent to the New World to work in Salt Mines owned by her family. Patel would go on to use bullying and violence extensively throughout her life and career, a trait rumoured to be modelled on her hero, Adolf Hitler.
Early career[edit | edit source]
Patel quickly ascended the steep ladder inside the Tory Party, mainly through her frequent use of the ‘Wank for Rank’ methodology. Knowing that the vast majority of the Tory leadership were just looking for a leg over, she found herself a regular at David Cameron’s Pig Parties. Patel was starting to make waves (not to be confused with the waves she later used to drown refugees trying to reach the United Kingdom) and getting herself noticed at Tory events with her Pole Dancing routines. Michael ‘The Schlong’ Gove in particular became a huge fan of Patel and took her under his wing as her mentor. Through Gove she learned just what it was to be an obsequious little twat and was able to gain a great deal of knowledge and skill on dishonesty, disrespect, duplicitousness and clueless behaviour. It was around this time that Patel was introduced to the Dark Arts by Gove and his crony's. Gove clearly had designs on Patel and thought that by corrupting her pure mind with his filth that he’d get to have his wicked way with her. Patel was loose, but she wasn’t that loose (or blind) and dumped Gove like a Conservative Party promise. Although she was free of Gove’s influence, she continued to follow a path into the depths of depravity as her interest in the Dark Arts continued.
She was soon promoted to head Tea Girl and later Party Witch under Theresa May, but Patel longed for so much more. Her chance came in 2016 when she finally found the job she was made for, Cabinet Minister responsible for Kiddy Catching. Priti had always had a devastating effect on children, reducing them to a quivering mess just by scowling at them, subjecting them to such horrors as her horrific features. In her new role she was required to being much pain and suffering to all children of working families (as per the Conservative Party’s ongoing policy) and she exceeded all expectations as she relished the job.
“ There are children here somewhere. I can smell them.”
Truckers[edit | edit source]
Priti Patel started to develop a love of truckers, rough sex and fast love, and it wasn’t unusual for her to spend long cold evenings hanging around trucker’s cafés looking for some rough trade. She became a popular regular amongst the lads and some of the lasses too due to her unusual sexual preferences, which for legal reasons we can’t go into in detail on here but needless to say they included rubber gloves, cold custard, an old cast iron radiator and two pieces of liver.
BREXIT[edit | edit source]
“Yeah, that was a really fucking stupid idea.... I mean really? WTAF were you thinking?”
Fame, at last[edit | edit source]
Patel and her evil ways were soon noticed by Boris Johnson. Johnson had himself recently ascended from being London's Dictator Mayor and having already spent several years perpetrating many evil acts against humanity, including being allowed to reproduce and bring offspring into the world, Johnson was looking to implement an ongoing campaign of misery and suffering to all but the elite of the United Kingdom. Johnson, a well-known narcissist spotted Patel’s talent early on in his rule. More importantly though, he spotted her slightly weird looking arse and chest and fell in love with the stroke-like smirk which seemingly permanently sat on her face. Johnson, a serial cheater, set his sights on Patel and immediately offered her a place in his cabinet, the one next to his bed where many lovers had been kept over the years. Patel, only too pleased to be made the offer immediately accepted the role as Boris’ Bitch and together along with some haunted Victorian twat called Rees-Mogg, set about systematically abusing the good people of the United Kingdom.
Between the three of them they lied, deceived and robbed the British people of basic human rights and dignity. They’ve followed a relentless pursuit of BREXIT, at any cost and ensured such a level of apathy exists amongst the public that they will be able to remain in power as long as they want. All along they have all ensured that their own interests are served first, above all else.
Bullying[edit | edit source]
Priti Patel is a bully. Having been found by an independent tribunal of having "not met the requirements of the ministerial code to treat civil servants with consideration and respect". In any corporate environment she would have been dismissed instantly however, of course Boris whitewashed the entire episode and she remains in post to this day. There is no question, she is a vicious bully who clearly can't take criticism because of her over inflated ego and inferiority complex.
Refugees[edit | edit source]
“Priti Patel hates refugees. Priti Patel hates children. Priti Patel hates poor people”
Patel has never made a secret of the fact she hates refugees. She has hosted regular celebrations at Number 10 upon the news of a boatload sinking and it's rumoured that at her home in Dickstone, she has inflatable refugee toys floating in her pool, a real favourite amongst the Cabinet.
Truckers[edit | edit source]
Did we mention that she loves rough truckers? A fact that you would find hard to believe by the fact that she was directly responsible for the shortfall of 10,000 HGV drivers in the UK.
Personal Life[edit | edit source]
In her downtime, Patel loves nothing more than a spot of taxidermy and regularly has the bodies of little Afghan refugee children, who have died after being turned away from the UK, delivered to her home where she stuffs them and mounts their heads proudly over the fireplace. Sometimes she'll turn them into Piñatas, suspend them from the ceiling and invite Boris and Jacob around for an evening of fun & games. Jacob Rees-Mogg loves to dress up as an M1 Trucker while Priti, pretending to be hitchhiker, lets Rees-Mogg pick her up before letting him play with her HGV (Hairy Gaping Vagina) while Boris just watches from the side-lines and continues to make bad decisions.
Patel loves music and is Grade 3 on the French Horn.
Nigel Farage and Priti Patel are penpals and share a love of stamp collecting.
Bullying remains an ongoing interest for Patel.
