Westralia
Westralia is an oppressed nation in Australia's west. Despite their loud protests; Westralia was forced to join the commonwealth, instead of pursuing its dream of becoming a communist superpower. Nobody would really care about it, if it weren’t for the rich, natural supply of precious, precious heroin. Aside from this, the only reason anyone could ever give a shit about Westralia is due to it being the home of the world-famous Wellard, known for its illusiveness. John Howard tricked Westralia into federation with the promise of magic beans, and these beans later went on to become the Westralian State government. They grew into a great and wide spread bramble covering the entire wasteland, with such verocity as to over grow even the Federal Government. Also home of the Mighty Eagles. and the dodgy Dockers.
According to sporting ledgend Geoff Gallop Westralia is in fact not part of the australian continent. Because only one person has ever gotten to WA on land, and he was a crackhead, its generally thought that Westralia actually exists closer to South Africa.
Politics and Government[edit | edit source]
The Westralian government is fully aware of their ability to accomplish shit-all in the scheme of things, and just simply embezzle the millions of dollars that go through their corrupt tax system - as organised by Eric Ripper. The remaining money is spent on euthenasia, child pornography and diet coke.
Eminem AKA "The Artist Formerly Known as Col'n Carpenter" is the current state premier, but isn't back yet. He is famous for building people-friendly detention centres, where all the Refugees who must be allowed to enter the country due to the abolishment of the White Australia Policy are stored.
Col'n Carpenter has never actually been elected, instead having inherited the title when the former Premier "Geoff", galloped away after an ominous casting of chicken giblets predicted the imminent arrival of The Grand Empirical Wizard, Brian "The Life Of" Burke and his Pananmanian headgear.
Despite a statewide search for a suitable foot to fit the Glass Thong of Leadership, none could be found so Col'n Carpenter was pushed forward as the only current member of the government not to have slept with a sheep, and bragged about it.
While Westralia maintains a veneer of democracy, holding mock elections at regular intervals and retaining a brutalist architectural building to safely house the cretins of Government, the proud truth that all Westralians know is that the state is solely controlled and directed by Brian ("The Life of") Burke.
Burke held the position of Premier for a period of superanuation qualification (25 February 1983 to 25 February 1988), until he resigned in his quest for a position of influence. He was rewarded for the financial wizardry of dematerializing over 1 billion dollars during his reign, with the much admired position of Ambassador to the holy city of Atlantis.
Burke swiftly managed to further display his skills of socially responsible financial reconstruction (i.e. Stealing from the Poor and giving to the Rich) by sinking the city of Atlantis and misplacing it's treasures, within months of taking up the position. A hilarious period of which he famously recalls in his memoirs "I Don't Recall". Burke's rapacity was further rewarded with 2 fully paid holidays aboard Her Majesties Pleasure Cruises based in Casuarina during 1994 and again in 1997.
After a well earned rest Burke returned to the onerous duties of Grand Imperial Emperor of Westralia where despite unwelcome media attention, he remains today.
Foreign policy[edit | edit source]
Westralia is a paranoid nation, who hate everyone who isn’t them, as well as most people who are, according to some dumb easterner - but in actual fact the Tasmania foreign policy is copied verbatim, except for Gunn use, which Tasmania uses to exterminate its forests to Extinction.
Cities Within[edit | edit source]
Perth[edit | edit source]
- See main article: Dullsville.
Freo[edit | edit source]
- See main article: Freemaantel
Austro[edit | edit source]
On the outskirts of the cesspit of Bunbury can be found the leafy paradise known as Australind: The home of school stabbings, homosexuals, fresian cows and tornadoes. The area can be split into separate areas - Upper Australind and Lower Australind. As their names suggest, the altitude of each area determines it's name. Upper Australind (The areas of Spleendale, Flingston and That Hill Over There) holds the highest percentage of homosexual males found in Westralia. It is said that if you drink the water in Upper Australind, you will be turned into a homosexual in a matter of days. A transition that involves sequins, feather boas and an emo haircut. Visitors to Upper Australind have made the comment that "If you shake a tree (in Upper Australind) a homosexual will fall out." Exemplifying their concentration in the area.
People generally speed in their P plated cars to impress everyone, and yet, they look like dickheads!
Broome[edit | edit source]
One of the many floor related cities such as Sweepe, Duste and Shovele.
Home to the world famous "Ninety Mile Stretch of Parked Up Landcruisers" Broome offers the world weary traveller a taste of tightly regulated birth control and a quaint pocket of Amish lifestyle.
Broome's economy relies heavily on the production of magic beads that are reputed to hold magical powers even long after the price is forgotten. The lure of the "Beads of Magic" drew many people to Broome during it's early establishment phase, predominantly the Ommpah Loompahs, who had the magical ability to breathe through their anus's. This genetically granted gift was thought mainly useless until the first time an Oompah signed up to work on a magic bean trawler.
During a night of particularly drunken ritualised dwarf abuse amongst the crew, a siphoning hose was removed from a rum keg and inserted into the rectum of the ship's sleeping Oompah.
The high spirited shenanigans ended in tears as they are so apt to do, when the Oompah was thrown into the ocean for a laugh. To the surprise of the crew the Oompah managed to survive for several hours before the siphoning hose was blocked by a nesting gannet and the air supply removed.
Although the name of that ill fated Oompah was quickly forgotten, on that historic day, the first Oompah Loompah Hookah was demonstrated. Suddenly all over Broome Oompah Loompah labour shortages began to cripple the economy. Any Oompah of working age was pressed into service, a ritual that by today's sensitive standards, seems cruel or barbaric. Each Oompah detained would have a hose inserted into his rectum and was dragged behind a boat with a garden rake and a hessian bag in order to collect the magic beads from the sea bed below.
Despite the harsh conditions and demeaning ritual of equipping for diving, thousands of unemployed Oompahs flocked to Broome and their cultural influence still resonates throughout modern day Broome from the chocolate covered dishes available in Oompahtown to the historic Oompah cemetary.
Bunno[edit | edit source]
The port of Bunbury (33°21′1″S, 115°38′58″E) is the second largest gay beat (after Mandurah) in Western Australia.
Referred to by locals as "Bunno" due to their difficulty in expressing words of more than 2 syllables. Not to be confused with "Busso", Rocko", "Mando", "Pinno", "Freo", "Gerro" or "Lesbo".
Bunbury is situated approx. 50 years south of Perth's central business district (CBD) evidenced by the complete lack of schools offering educational levels beyond Year 9, at which stage the average Bunbury student has attained both the age of 25 and the onset of puberty (see see lower for more info).
Bunbury's strong gay culture is a direct result of it's traditions as a port city, where weary naval personnel such as Captain Pugwash and America's Seventh Fleet could find a warm rum and an equally warm anus with which to relieve themselves. Modern Bunbury carries on the tradition with a replica "Cappucino Strip" offering many homosexual drinks such as the world famous "Skinny White" and numerous other limp wristed milky beverages.
Bunbury has nothing else to offer outsiders apart from "The Maidens", a tasteless statue of topless mermaids modelled on the cities best footballers, a vivid reminder of Bunbury's Milky culture, and an incomplete multi story building known as "The Milk Carton" built by the stylish Alan Bond, benefactor of all Western Australian. Don't be fooled by large houses around foreshore they are owned by cahed up tradesman bogans with big guts and goatbeards who have fat grunting wifes in 4 wheeldrives who all wear cargo pants.The usually use the same phrase with each other which is ooooohhhhh reallyyyy!.This place equals bogan uncultured ses pit.
Avoid at all costs.
Busso[edit | edit source]
More commonly referred to as the best place on Earth by the "Creature from the Black Lagoon", due to it's entire geophysical structure consisting solely of toxic red, green and blue algae ridden swamps, ammonia reeking, weed covered beaches and canal developments designed by lunatics who can afford not to live anywhere remotely nearby. Also referred to as "Busso" by the local Bogan element and other illiterate retards who are too mentally challenged to afford the XE Falcon required for Bogan status.
Known as the "Shining Jewel of the South" "Shitting Bowel of the South" because of both it's smell and its 2km long derelict Jetty which no one can afford to repair. Images of the Jetty can be found in the background of every local politician or real estate agent's publicity shot, without exception. While they are all willing to use the icon to emphasise their connection with the town, none have so far put their hands into their overstuffed wallets to assist the much needed restoration.
Tourists once had to endure the trial of passing through Busselton on their way to the attractive areas of the South West. However, thanks to massive public demand and government concern for the safety of the general non-Busselton dwelling traveller, the task has been made much more bearable by the recent construction of the Busselton By-Pass. This public service has made the journey south much safer by enabling traffic to pass by this unsavourary place at a reasonably unaffected distance and at a minimum uninterrupted speed of 90kmh with all windows and vents tightly shut.
Christianity is rife in Busselton because the rancid atmosphere tends to convey in locals, a sense that death lurks close by. Ironically the only value the indigenous peoples of the south west could see in Busselton, was as a place to die, and many former sacred burial grounds can be found beneath the sprawling suburban wastelands.
Capo[edit | edit source]
A Beautiful Place whose slogan is "Capel, the natural choice". Especially relevant if you like to ingest airborne particles of naturally occurring heavy minerals like ilmenite, zircon, rutile, leucoxene and monazite, generously delivered by the stacks of the local mineral sands processing facility.
Naturally occurring background radiation several thousand times higher than World Health Organisation standards ensures that Capel residents are always guaranteed to win 1st, 2nd and 3rd prizes at all fruit and vegetable judging at the Perth Royal Agricultural Show.
Capel can boast being the birthplace of several well known movie stars like Godzilla, The Blob and "Blinky" the 3 eyed fish starring in several Simpsons episodes.
Visitors are encouraged to wear either a radiation tag or carry a geiger counter to track exactly how much the natural environment is improving their health.
Sister city to Nagasaki. Capel is all natural nature and glowing with health.
Casso[edit | edit source]
The biggest shithole south of the swan, however it shall soon be transformed into the scenic Bertram Heights housing development. Located within walking distance of both kwinana freeway for those who can't get enough of a wannabe street racer getting asploded all over both offramps and the stately Casuarian prison, chock full of murderer rapists (mostly in that order).
Collo[edit | edit source]
B.Order Collie IV
Regarded as many as the proverbial shit of australia collie originated when farmer joe fornicated with his sister mary....
since that unfortunate pork sword adventure the whole of collie has taken up the art of breeding with their relatives... even if they didn't want to they have no choice. this is because if they dont they will be cooked in the ginormous pot of farmer joe who is regarded as a sort of god (this is because he bought all of collie into existance). every thursday night the community of collie get together to sacrifice some poor collie folk to farmer joe and his wife (and sister) mary. if they fail to perform this sacred ritual they believe that the sky will fall and bring with it the much feared fridge of the skies which is just a mighty huge fridge... (collie people aint to clever).
interestingly all collie residents have six toes and can breathe underwater (only collie water) and some of the Kain families (the most common family name in collie roughtly 75.9877% have this name) have been known to sprout wings and fly away no one knows where they go but there have been reports of farmers shooting ugly people out of the sky, maybe this is because there is somthing about collie people and being texas cowboys (homosexuals for you that dont know the true meaning of texas cowboy)? who knows... it is strongly advised that you keep away from this cursed place as it is known that once you arrive in collie.... you never EVER leave (and will probably have to root your sister.)
Also the only place in Australia where you have to go up a hill to get to a hole And you have to kill your housemate to fit in, preferably with speaker wire via strangulation while you (or someone else) smothers them with a chemical soaked rag. Hide the body under the house when you're finsihed. As noted before, they aint too smart....
Maaaannnjii[edit | edit source]
Pronounced with the infliction of the white inbred bogan trash that primarily inhabit the town, Manjimup was founded probably by some wog a hundred or so years ago, it is the famous for nothing and due to its isolated location (several thousand light years from Perth) it is relatively unknown north of Bunbury, making it an ideal location for the large and apparently (according to the local sheriff and his posse) obscure ganja plantations in the surrounding farmland. Manjimup is divided by a now defunct train line that not unlike 8 mile, forms a border between the prosperous neighbourhoods surrounding the local high school and the Christian prison (sorry correctional facility, sorry school..) of Kearnan College, and the very un-Manjimup-like areas of Annanuka and East Manji, a place infested with people that actually have a job.
The local high school MSHS (or Most Students Here are Stoners) has been known to cheat in nearly every TEE examination since the early 00s, allowing the school to boast an incredibly unrealistic high TEE state ranking given the nature of the town and its students. Politically, the town has an autocratic form of government whereby the ever popular local bikies supply the desperate townsfolk with their "medicinal" marijuana and in turn, the townsfolk accept the bikies as their lords and masters. The town has enjoyed recent prosperity with the population swelling under the influence of teenage pregnancies and immigration of sluts and dickheads from other notable hell holes like Bunbury and Collie. Indeed, 73.99% of the females graduating from MSHS in 2007 and both the girls from Kearnan College are now the proud mothers of 3 children. Interestingly, Manjimup is now the town with the highest number of Homes West houses in the state, recently ousting Rockingham in early 2008.
The town's motto is "Get the Fuck Out While You Can" and hosts the ever popular Cherry Festival once a year, a great excuse for the blossoming skanks of 14-16 years of age to get their drunk on at the local timber park. The town also boasts the apparently famous Fonty's Pool, a swampy, leech infested dam on some wog's property some distance out of town. It is well known that you are more likely to swallow duck shit in the Pool than actually get wet. Fight Night at the Manjimup Pub every Friday Night are always a treat, participation isn't exactly voluntary but if you don't lose a tooth you can always "Get Blue, Babs" with all the other colourful inhabitants of the fine establishment.
Manjimup has had its fair share of inhabitants actually listen to the towns motto, leaving to become famous using the skills acquired whilst living in Manjimup. - Carl Williams - Chopper Reid - Troy Mercanti - Ben Cousins - John Kizon
Gero[edit | edit source]
Commonly referred to as "Dero Gero", half the population of this small coastal town are members of the "White Trash" species.
Founded like a hundred years ago or something, Geraldton is famous for it's beaches, sunsets and rapists. Also the birthplace of Kevin Rudd, Geraldton has a lot to brag about. For instance a Census report of 2009 showed that 97 percent of the population smoked sticky green ganja, dropped bulk bickies and injected the new substance on the block known as "SlimeGrease" (the greasy substance found on the road outside any fast food outlet, resembles algae). Geraldton has also had the honour of being chosen to host the 3000 Olympics. Recently in Geraldton, Kevin Rudd payed a visit to his long lost hometown. 'As soon as I stepped off the plane and took a whiff of the fresh Geraldton air, I knew I had just contracted 17 different types of STI's,' Mr Rudd said, 'But it's things like that, that make me really proud to have born in this shit hole of a town.' Shortly after being interviewed, Mr Rudd did a big poo and threw it at an elderly lady.
Geraldton is an ideal place for tourists and little children to play, if looking into losing their virginities to 67 year old drug dealers.
Geraldton has many beautiful suburbs, for example the lovely neighbourhood of Rangeway, 98% of the residents in this suburb living in homeswest homes and/or being black. Rangeway is coinviently located the marjority of the stick houses. And the amazing suburb of Spalding, ignore the fact that it has the highest crime and murder rate in geraldton. Cruising through geraldton you may notice how the locals like to personalise the names of street signs, lunt street is offically cunt street.
Kwino[edit | edit source]
Like hell, just crammed full of petrol sniffers. Birth place of Chris Benoit.Nipple h had her first orgasm here
Mando[edit | edit source]
Like Kwinana, except the petrol sniffers have enough disposable income to support their habit.
Once a family-friendly destination, Mandurah has now latched onto the Black Hole of Dullness 70km to the north. It's also too rich for you bitch.
Only thing worth doing is going to the largest gay beat in town, that, and catching the train to Dullsville.
Monko Mio[edit | edit source]
A large monkey shaped rock of Italian Origin.
Originally the first point where white explorers came into contact with the Australian continent.
Such was the impression made upon these first European visitors, the continent remained untouched for another 250 years.
Home to the worlds second most creative cuisine, the "Dolphin Burger" consisting of two all Dolphin Patties, special sauce, sea lettuce, head cheese, pickled dugong on a salt encrusted bun.
Visitors should note that a long queue can be expected when ordering, as this delightful dish is extremely popular with Japanese tourists wishing to retain their heritage as a sea mammal eating nation.
Monkey Mia is a leisurely day trip north from Perth City with many things to see and do along the way. Renowned for it's many and varied shopping experiences, visitors are often pleasantly surprised at the cheap availability of fuel, food and other items. This feature often draws many Perth city dwellers to Monkey Mia to stock up on necessities that may not be available back in the metropolitan area.
Mos Eisley[edit | edit source]
The most wretched hive of scum and villany in the galaxy, Mos Eisley has been known for its cantina life for hundreds of years. It was originally founded when a spaceport was needed in Western Australia, deep inside of Hutt territory.
Move Along. Even though these droids aren't the ones we're looking for, we saw them escaping in a ship, and tried to blast them. If you see R2-D2 and C3PO, plese contact your nearest imperial stormtrooper.
Rocko[edit | edit source]
Rockingham's rich history began as a socially engineered tribute to the intitial release of the Holden Torana HB in 1967. The arrival of the first settlers occurred as a result of an innovative exchange program arranged with the United Kingdom. The programme was seen as a natural extension of the highly successful PAP or "Pale Australia Policy" first initiated by former Prime Minister His Galactic Highness Sir Robert Menzies.
Germaine Greer, Clive James, Robert Hughes and an undislosed number of other officially declared "Jumped Up" Australians were exiled to "Old Blighty" as England was known during it's long occupation by Ireland. Their purpose being to help launch the much anticipated British television industry. Rolf Harris who, although not officially declared as "Jumped Up" was seen as a bit annoying and dangerous to the developing minds of young Australians. So negotiations included permanantly relocating Rolf to the UK as reparation for British behaviour leading up to the 1942 Fall of Singapore.
In return for this astoundingly generous gesture, Australia agreed to receive several thousand plane and boatloads of whinging English underclass, delivered to Rockingham's seemingly untroden fatal shore. Development of "Rockingham Park" (an indigenous name meaning "Pommy Ghetto") began.
Comtemporary Rockingham culture is quite different to the pioneering attempts at establishing a bog lap circuit with lots of potential for shop window refection. With the endless flow of newly found riches eminating from the booming WA mining industry, the focus and dreams of most of Rockingham's residents now largely rests far beyond the desire to one day own a burnt orange Opel/Vaxhaull reject. Today the penultimate desire of every Rockingham resident is ownership of a new black SS ute, always referred to, in an act of sparkling originality, as "Black Betty".
This new found level of sophistication and style, permeating Rockingham like a layer of fine parmesan cheese, is entirely possible due to the caring "Can Do" attitude and creative documentation of newly arrived "Loan Brokers". These heroes of the underclasses have enabled residents to not only buy "Betty", but also 2 matching jet skis, a 35m cabin cruiser, a GTO/Monaro "for the missus to pop down to the off licence in" and a compulsory 5Megawatt home theatre, all bundled into the same finance package as the ubiquitous 9 bedroom 12 bathroom Mc Mansion nestled in a former section of previously useless and underutilised wetland.
What wasn't understood in 1967, remains both an unspoken tradgey as well as the main cause of the "Black Armband" view of Rockingham. The land around Rockingham was not "Terra Nullus" as previously thought. Instead, the area was home to an indigenous tribe of peaceful costal dwellers of whom only a few sad examples remain.
One town policy is the strict "NO RANGA" policy, which denies any person that is a citizen of Rangatopia (where all the ranga's live) asylum in Rockingham. Any ranga (besides "BAM") caught living in Rockingham will be sent to the Rungurusbahd Concentration Camp, where they will have their hair shaved off and then executed in the harshest style of all, the "ABBA" chamber, where ABBA is played 24/7 on full volume.
Any citizen that hands in a Ranga to the authorites will receive a $10,000 reward and a free trip to local abbatoir. Dont worry, they are "just visiting".
A creature called the shoe monster inhabits Rocko, It eats shoes an that is why the citzens of Rockingham do not wear shoes. The people of Mandurah assumed this to be some kind of trend and do also try to pull off the barefoot look but instead fail epically.
Southo Heado[edit | edit source]
With the influx of workers coming into the town of miners, the local tourist centre launched South Headland, It's Seriously Hot In Trucks.
From this campaign, millions of people have flocked to the city and spent only $10 on a house and land package, consisting of a 1.5 square metre block of land with a cardboard box home, which is stucturally sound and cyclone proof during the annual cyclone season.
It's during this time many of the people who have moved in during the previous year moved 300 kms inland from the 300km/h winds of the cyclone, allowing the local council to set up more house and land packages.
Kalgoorlie[edit | edit source]
Located some 600kms from Perth, is a small hole next to an even bigger hole. Of the 28,000 people that live in the 'city' (if you could call it that) only around 1000 people were actually born here, and they are all related by generations of inbreeding. The born and bred Kalgoorlie residents have also been as described by one new resident as "ugly, deformed people with very little intelligence" which experts say could be linked to the high levels of pollution in the area.
Kalgoorlie has also been infected by the dreaded 'bogan' virus, more than any other area in Australia. Names for the youth of the town range from 'bighole' for the females and 'emo fag' for the males. Kalgoorlie locals also have a major fear of new residents because they fear that breeding wont be 'kept in the family'.
Kalgoorlie has also been described as 'mini NZ' caused by the large population of people from New Zealand. The New Zealand population speak their own language, with the most commonly used word being 'bro'. Kalgoorlie has also gained the prestigious title of Australia's most racist town. This is due to the large amount of rednecks in the town.
Economy[edit | edit source]
Imports[edit | edit source]
Exports[edit | edit source]
- sheep (prominently to New Zealand)
- wheat (prominently to Iraq)
- Backpackers
- Uluru
- Child Pornography
- Rolf Harrii
- Wangzilla
- Bargz
- Emo Trend Fucks
- Lucy Gardiner
- Crap hometown Bands that get no where
- Ben Cousins
- Chris Judd
Demographics[edit | edit source]
The ongoing testing of nuclear weapons done by France in central Westralia has generated a race of genetic super-humans, the breeding practices of which has given the world the "talents" of Rove McManus and The Wiggles. Despite these achievements, the majority of the population remains illiterate and unable to pull themselves out of the squalid pit of sand and beer that they are drowning in. Westralian’s have a friendly demeanour and treat tourists with all the respect and sincerity of someone desperatly trying to get laid.
Culture[edit | edit source]
Sport
Sport plays a large part in Westralian culture.
AFL is largely considered Westralia's way of trying (and failing) to prove their perceived superiority over the other states, however the ineptitude and drunkenness of The Fremantle Dole Bludgers and the West Coast Metrosexuals (also known as the West Coke Eagles) inhibits this greatly, and yet the Stoned Surfie boys have won three premierships in the past 15 years.
The premier sport in Westralia is however "Lounging", a hugely popular practice where a vehicle powered beyond the abilities or control of the drunken and/or drug affected occupant, is driven at high speed into the lounge room of an unsuspecting homeowner. Variations on this popular pass time are "Bedrooming" and "Pooling", the latter being a homage to the late great Keith Moon. Competition is graded by the allocation of points for each metre the vehicle's radiator intrudes into the private property and extra points are awarded for clearing obstacles such as garden walls, gnomes, concrete Aboriginals, children's headboards and coffee tables.
The predominant reason for the popularity of sport in Westralia is the total lack of anything else to do, in conjunction with a deficit of ability to partake in anything requiring more than a basic survival grade intelligence.
Language and Regional Dialect:
The state language of Westralia is Ocker. While very similar to the eastern dialect, Westralian’s refrain from using lame, cliché phrases such as 'grouse' and 'fair crack of the whip, mate'. They have instead, created a few words of their own. ie; to 'Gank' something is to Steal it, when a thing is 'Feral' it is gross, to be 'Paro' is to be stinko drunk.
As most things in Westralia are either stolen, gross or drunk, these are the only words of any use. Except maybe wanker, which is commonly used to describe to eastern staters. Western Austraila is the Mortal enemy of Victoria and Queensland
See also[edit | edit source]
