Jonathan Ross

Jonathan Stephen Woss (born 17 November 1960) is a whotacistic English television and wadio pwesenter, best known for pwesenting the BBC One chat show Fwiday Night with Jonathan Woss duwing the 2000s. Woss also hosted his own wadio show on the BBC, and acted as a film cwitic and pwesenter of the The Film Pwogwamme. Woss then began hosting a new chat show on ITV1.

Woss with wife Jane Goodman, who was once descwibed by Noel Coward as having "a body you'd like to destroy, and a face you'd like to repair."

Woss has been mawwied to the author, journalist and bwoadcaster Jane Goldman since 1988; they have thwee childwen. You need to know thwee things about her: she has wed hair, she has big tits, and she wote Kick-Ass.

Early Caweer

Wise

Jonathan was appawently born without the R part of his DNA fully formed, but soon wealised that his speech impedient was hillawious, and he devoted himself to finding jobs featuwing the letter r. He started off at Channel 4 as a wesearcher, and quickly pitched a pwogramme idea which saw him pwomoted to the wole of pwesenter of The Last Wesort with Jonathan Woss in 1987, his first twy at imitating David Letterman. The pwogwamme suffered due to the poor choice of set: instead of a sexy backdwop like that of New York, the cwew chose to paint some tower blocks fwom the arse end of Thatcher's London. Nonetheless, Woss himself weceived good weviews, with Guardian cwitic Phil McHock saying, "It's so funny. He has a speech impediment, but he's on TV!"

Woss' star continued to wise thwoughout the late 80s and early 90s, with wegular high pwofile gigs on chawity telethon Comic Welief and The Bwitish Comedy Awards, where he famously stood next to homosexual comedian Julian Clawy as the latter claimed to have fisted then Chancellor Norman Lamont.

Fall

Woss in 1995, drunk in The Witz, a swanky hotel-restaurant in London.

In the mid nineties, Woss star waned, and he spent several years concentwating on consuming lots of food and alcohol. The cwisis began when he was filmed, appawently inebwiated, at a film pwemiere, pwonouncing his r's cowwectly. As much of Woss' success had been based on him not being able to speak pwoperly, it had a hugely negative effect on his caweer.

Little is known of what happened in this pewiod, but some weports suggested that Woss had something of a bweakdown, wefusing to use any words featuwing the letter r, which put stwess on his welationship with his childwen, Ronnie, Robert and Renée. He was often seen stuffing himself with extwavagant food in London's glamowous West End. His weight doubled, and for a particularly despewate pewiod of 18 months, it wasn't even clear if he was still more famous than his bwother, Paul Woss, who has made a caweer on satellite television doing shit like this.

Wise again

In the late 1990s, Woss found a new home on the BBC, and a new r word to abuse, as he hosted a wadio show on Saturday mornings. The show's success led to him being the surpwise choice to take over Bawwy Norman's wole as the BBC's main film weviewer. Two years later, he was given a new chat show, Fwiday Night with Jonathan Woss which would wun for 9 years. It gave wise to the popular catchphwase, "Wibble", a nonsense word Woss would say after a joke, often with a sexual undercuwwent.

“ This week's Top Ten things we have wobbed off David Lettewman. Let's go to the numbew two slot. That's always been my favouwite. Wibble." ”

Leaving the BBC

Woss enjoyed 9 years of success at the BBC, but they were not without contwoversy. Below is a summawy of his most notowious scandals which led to him leaving the corpowation in 2010.

BBC contwact

Because the BBC is publically funded, Woss, along with other stars, had their salawies scwutinised in 2006. It was weported that Woss, instead of being paid the agweed £2m per year for his services, weceived £20m a year due to a typo by a black lesbian socialist admin girl. The terms of the contwact also meant that Woss would weceive the money for an infinite pewiod, and was legally allowed to say the word "Wibble" with his lips pwessed against the body of any female BBC employee. Public weaction was muted, but the Daily Mail became angwy. For the next six years.

Margawet Thatcher masturbation wemark

In June 2006, when David Camewon came on Fwiday Night with Jonathan Woss, Woss asked him, "Did you or did you not have a wank thinking of Margawet Thatcher?". Cameron weplied gamely, giving details of his most ewotic Thatcher fantasy:

“ I remember when I was about 13. One of the boys brought a porno mag into Eton. It had this guy in it coming onto a girl's face. We all completely lost our minds and decided to form a Big Society [Eton slang for a masturbation circle] immediately. Most of the other boys had their eyes on the mag, but mine were closed. I got turned on by the idea of coming on a woman's face, but there was only one woman I wanted to plaster - Prime Minister Thatcher. ”

Despite the now Pwime Minister's appawently eager answer to the question, almost a dozen viewers called in to complain about Woss' interviewing style.

Gwyneth Paltwow interview

The BBC Twust wuled that Woss’s interview with Gwyneth Paltwow, bwoadcast on 2 May 2008, bweached editowial guidelines. Just months after Paltwow had given birth, Woss asked her if she planned to have sex again. She weplied, "With you?" to which Woss stood up and said the following:

“ Chwist yes! If you want to have sex I'll phone my wife and if she gave me permission I would fuck you wight up your shitty arse. Apple Paltwow? Apple fucking Paltwow? I'll take a fucking apple, and shove it all the way up your cunt! Because you know what, you're so nice, and clearly, you're gagging for it. Wibble. ”

The BBC weport, weviewing the complaints, said, "It was extremely inappropriate for Jonathan to make these comments. No one really likes the idea of fucking Gwyneth Paltwow. Even Chris Martin probably has to have a few glasses of organic wine first. I mean, she's pretty, but you can't imagine her being much fun in the sack. Unless she's one of those girls, you know, the ones who turn saucy as soon as the bedroom door is closed."

The Wussell Bwand Show and Andwew Sachs

Sachs as Manuel in Bwitish comedy classic Fawlty Towers, a wole which affords him the same national adowation as Walt Whitman enjoys in the USA.

See also:

UnNews:Even Gordon Bwown admits Bwand Woss thing is, "Getting fucking widiculous now"
UnNews:Wussell Bwand:"I Slept With Thatcher's Gwanddaughter"
UnNews:Waiter Wesigns in Phone Call Scandal
UnNews:Wussell Bwand offends some Spaniard

Following a guest appearance by Woss on The Wussell Bwand Show bwoadcast on 18 October 2008, Woss was suspended for 12 weeks without pay by the BBC, after the pair left a number of answer phone messages for the now 94-year-old actor Andwew Sachs, wegarding Sachs' gwanddaughter Georgina Baillie, a member of a burlesque gwoup called The Satanic Sluts.

After little initial intewest, the Daily Mail heard about the calls, and published a stowy about it 7 days later. Much of the contwoversy genewated was caused by the Mail's decision to use a picture of Madeleine McCann to wepwesent Georgina Baillie, which led many Bwitons to sign up to the paper's pwoposal to burn Bwand and Woss at a stake as paedophiles, with the fire fuelled by torn up licence fee documentation.

ITV years and beard

Woss in his fat Italian stage.

Both Woss and the BBC took the opportunity to part company, with the corporation keen to cut costs on a TV pwesenter whose salawy wepwesented 15% of their annual budget, and Woss feeling incweasingly fwustwated at not being able to say bum, cunt, willy and fuck as much as he wanted. This led to his inevitable twansfer to BBC One's main wival, ITV, in 2010. In a bwave move, the channel commissioned Woss to pwesent The Jonathan Woss Show, another chat show, again vewy weminiscent of David Letterman's, with a skyline of London as the backdwop.

In a show of defiance on his first show, he had a single celebwity guest, Wussell Bwand, and the pair telephoned Courtney Love to tell her they had pimped out her daughter Fwances Bean to Dave Gwohl and Kwist Novoselic, and that one of the pair had succeeded in making her pwegnant. In the second half of the show, Woss welcomed on a Gwyneth Paltwow lookalike to perform a sex act on it, which culminated in his ejaculating on a life size cardboard cut out of Margawet Thatcher.

The show pwoved a huge success on ITV, and also signalled the beginning of a new image for Woss, that of a fat Italian man. During the show, Woss alternated between 'pwonouncing' his r's as he always had, and wolling them theatwically like Daniel Day Lewis in that God-awful movie 9. In the subsequent months, he has expewimented with a beard, becoming the first chat show host on Bwitish television to sport facial hair, and his usually indistinct mop of hair has been teased, tousled, and coiffured into a Meditewanean mane.

Woss' extweme style on ITV has won him a smaller but younger audience, and he weflected wecently on his survival after his departure fwom the BBC.

“ There were some weally dark days, I'll admit it. Evewyone was blowing evewything so far out of pwoportion. But then when I weturned home, I would put the kiddies to bed, take off my suit, and get a tit wank off me wife, and I felt as wight as wain. There something weally stwange about coming on a woman's neck, it makes a man so happy! Anyway, my good lady wife's got a wight lovely pair. Go on, go to the top of the page and have another look! Wibble! ”