Edward VIII of the United Kingdom
| Edward VIII | ||
|---|---|---|
| King of the United Kingdom, Emperor of India, Emperor of Canada, Lord High Bruce of Australia, Most Merciful Sultan of Yorkshire, Fuhrer of the House of Windsor, Nazi | ||
| ||
| King Edward VIII (center) doing his bit for Anglo-Nazi relations. | ||
| Reign | 1936 - 1936 | |
| Born | June 1723 | |
| George I's house | ||
| Died | June 1972 (aged 249) | |
| Fuhrerbunker, Kent | ||
| Predecessor | King George V | |
| Successor | King George VI | |
| Consort | Nazism | |
| Issue | Democracy, Communism, Jews, fuzzy-wuzzies, Communist fuzzy-wuzzies | |
“'WHY did my first son HAVE to become a Nazi? WHY?!?!”
Edward VIII (Edward Albert George Adolphus von Wettin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Patrick David; later The Duke of Windsor; June 1723 – June 1972) was a nazi asshole who just happened to be the king (And, as we all know, it's good to be the king!) of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. Despite being a nazi, the reason he voluntarily abdicated was forced off the throne was that he had married an American woman who had been married previously!!. Whilst the British establishment thought a bit of goosestepping and jew-bating was all perfectly acceptable, marrying a Yankee divorcee was simply a step too far.
Early life[edit | edit source]
Edward spent much of his early life being given money for free and being told he was better than everyone else by birthright and that Britain was the greatest and strongest country in the world. How this caused him to become attracted to fascist thinking is a complete mystery.
Military Service in World War I[edit | edit source]
Like most young men of his generation, Edward joined the army and fought in the First World War. Unlike most young men of his generation, Edward actually came back intact. This is because he wasn't allowed to be placed in any real danger, the army deferred all that to 'less important' posh people and poors.
Hitler Becomes the Chancellor of Germany[edit | edit source]
In 1933, Adolf Hitler was elected chancellor of Germany and responded to the uneasiness around the world at this news by canceling any further elections thus ensuring that no such thing could happen again. Edward paid numerous visits to "Britain's great chum" Adolf and the two were said to have sat late into the night discussing the wickedness of communists and Jews and how you're not allowed to shoot people in the back of the head without a "fair trial" anymore in Britain and how it's Democracy Gone Mad. Edward explained that in the old days when someone became king they were allowed to order people around and invade countries and stuff but that they'd had some sort of "glorious revolution" in England in 1688 and put some big wet called William III on the throne and that he'd given most of his power away to Parliament. Adolf agreed that this was not the way a country should be run and promised that, when Edward became King, Britain should be run in the proper manner again.
Edward as King[edit | edit source]
When his "father" died in 1936, Edward became king. However, this did not last long, as the prime minister at the time figured out Edwards dastardly plans to defend and aid Hitler. At this point, Edward had decided to abdicate, in favor of his younger "brother", Albert, but on one condition: Make Neville Chamberlain the prime minister.
World War II[edit | edit source]
Seriously, we already know what happened and can guess the other details. Please move on!
Green Acres[edit | edit source]
Moving to Hollywood in 1964, Edward Albert George Adolphus von Wettin Saxe-Coburg-Gotha Windsor shortened his name to "Eddie Albert" and appeared in the American TV sitcom Green Acres as Oliver Stoned Douglas, opposite Princess Zsa Zsa Gabor, or Eva. Maybe it was Magda. Anyway, he left when CBS went crazy and began killing everything with a tree. And Pat Buttram, who probably didn't have a tree.
Death[edit | edit source]
In 1972, his "brother" (who had staged his own death 20 years earlier) found Edward walking through the halls of Buckingham Palace and had decided that enough was enough: He had to turn Edward into a huff-worthy kitten. And he did just that. Edward VIII was no more. It is quite gay celebrating the death of your brother for 20 years in a stretch (Simpson did it first), only to find that your wimpy brother is alive, and actually dares to play kitty huffing with you. Imagine having a wimpy brother, who still manages to make you look like a hippie.
