Imperial units
“Imperial units? Aren't those the divisions used for the British conquest of the word?”
Imperial units are the units of measurement standardized in Britain the nonsensical United States, Liberia (a colony of the United States), and Myanmar (the people of Myanmar were too distracted fighting each other, resulting in their use of imperial units) at 11.8 inches a foot; 2.997 feet a yard; and 5,279.3 feet or 1,761.52819486 yards a mile.
History[edit | edit source]
The first unit of measurement standardized was the foot. King Philip I uploaded an image of his foot to Feet Finder. Instantly obsessed, the people of England printed pictures of his foot and carried them everywhere they went. They began using these images as a reference for distance and size. Seeing an opportunity to improve the country without risking the loss of autocratic rule, the King subsequently ordered that all people who did not use his foot as a unit of measurement be decapitated with a mace.
This resulted in an excessive number of people being executed shortly afterwards, so the King decided that a smaller unit of measurement should be standardized.
A villager suggested that the foot be divided in ten to create an 'inch', but the suggestion was rejected and deemed treason. Afterwards, he was executed with a guillotine. Instead, the King standardized the inch at the length of his largest left toe. People who failed to use either the foot or inch were charged with treason.
The measurement laws were becoming hard to follow when travelers needed to explain longer distances. The King started planning in a village a larger unit of measurement that would be useful for measuring long distances. One villager suggested a unit that was 1,000 feet, but other villagers felt that it was awkwardly short for the measurement of long distances. She was also charged with treason and executed. Another villager suggested 10,000 feet, but others commented that it was too long. The villager was never seen again. A few suggested 5,000, but the suggestion was rejected by the King and deemed treason and they were tied to boards and thrown into the ocean. The King standardized it at 5,279.3 feet for no clear reason.
Usage[edit | edit source]
Most countries use the metric system.
Britain[edit | edit source]
The imperial system of measurement is frequently used in the United Kingdom; British people are familiar with it and road signs are required to display distances in imperial units. British people find the U.S. measurement system illogical and often incomprehensible. They look upon the latter nation with contempt and frequently ridicule the inconsistencies of the imperial system.
United States[edit | edit source]
Americans do not know what the metric system is. When asked, one person responded, "Metric system? Isn't that what they use in Canada?". According to a former White House employee, one U.S. president wanted to change from the imperial system to the metric system and was laughed out of the room.
Canada[edit | edit source]
The usage of imperial units in Canada is complicated. At hospitals, Canadians use the metric system with kilograms, but at home, Canadians use pounds. In general, Canada uses the metric system, but also uses the imperial system in funny ways.
Belize[edit | edit source]
Said "Hey, this isn't confusing. Why don't we use both?"
Units[edit | edit source]
Here's a comprehensive list of all units in the imperial system.
- A twip: Practically nothing.
- A thou: Thou shalleth improveth thou stereotypical old Anglo-Saxon skills!
- Barleycorn: Barley had a little corn... little corn... little corn!
- Hand: Despite the name, is used to measure horses.
- Furlong: The furries have infected the imperial units.
- Fathom: This one was used in Britain, but was no longer used, after the people there gained common sense.
- Fluid Drachm: Read above.
- Slug: Slug.
