Ian Brown
Ian Bruce "I'm Nails Black Belt Muhammed Ali" Brown (born 20 February 1963 in Warrington) is best known as the lead bucket player in the 1980s funk jazz rock fusion band The Stone Roses. His style and technique gained him cult status in Morocco, after his chant-like shouts into his famed Jackson Pollock-ed buckets on stage caused a huge riot at the top of the Blackpool tower. A week later, after becoming stranded at the top of the tower, Ian Brown tightroped to safety using his yo-yo that could only hold himself and two other band members – he chose Gary and Alan and left Johnny Squire – lonely at the top. They landed safely on the scouse chemical utopia of Spike Island, where they played a benefit gig for the apparent death of Johnny Squire. Squire was still alive and managed to use a pair of tourist binoculars to magnify the sun's rays through the golden chemical haze (gaze) and give everyone in attendance at the benefit a huge dose of gig gangrene.
Early Life[edit | edit source]
Ian Brown grew up in Warrington. His mother was an orphaned feral dolphin who grew up in Liverpool and worked as a waitress, and his father was an ape who managed to escape from a circus whilst it was visiting Manchester in 1904. He attained cult status when he became the youngest part-man, part-ape to achieve black belt status. He trained under Bruce Lee's widow, Linda Lee, who took him under her wing and led him to martial art stardom under the pseudonym of Chuck Norris. His confused scouse simian accent didn't go down well with the Chinese crowd at the 1985 Martial Arts Championship final in Hong Kong as everyone in attendance were avid Manchester United fans, thus riots broke out and Ian Brown was then exiled from Martial Arts, Liverpool and Warrington as a result, forcing him to up sticks to Timperly in Chesire. He played Rugby as a youth and went on to represent England in the 2001 Six Nations, scoring 9 tries, including a memorable hat-trick against Italy. Ian turned to the music scene after being kicked out of the Christian church for claiming he was the resurrection and the light.
The Stone Roses[edit | edit source]
Ian Brown and Johnny Squire started The Stone Roses after watching a gig by a cover band playing songs by The Clash, who were named after Clint Eastwood's 1950s western-porn movie The Sex Pistols. They decided to steal all their ideas and all their style in the hope of getting a tour support slot with them, which unfortunately went to Magic Morrissey & The Smiths instead. They then went from a 2-piece to a 5-piece band by recruiting Irish Traveller and Astronaut, Alan Wren on drums, and George Best's illegitimate son, Gary Mant/Mourn/Man/Moúrn/Field on the bass guitar. They soon found themselves building up a following in local hair dressing salons around Manchester before blackmailing Pete Townshend with indecent images of naked children into getting them to replace The Who on their world tour of Europe, which ultimately led to their success in America and New Zealand. China still hated Ian Brown. After being disgraced in the Cold War due to having no slippers, he picked up the latest craze, enraging Manchester. He then ruled the North-West for fifteen dynasties.
Solo Career[edit | edit source]
Ian Brown left The Stone Roses after he abandoned Johnny Squire to die at the top of Blackpool Tower in 1989. His first attempts at primitive songwriting came when he decided to compose a concept album based on the English dictionary in 1997. He was going to form an acrostic for every single word from A-Z, but gave up when he got to 'Fear' because he got sent to prison for chopping an aeroplane's hands off. Once inside prison, he became a Jew (entitling him to a chicken curry rather than gruel), but this now meant he would read every book from right to left from now on, much like the Quran. Once he continued work on his concept album, he sent early demos of what he'd been working on (which were 'Apples', 'Bollocks', 'Cat', 'Zebra', 'Xylophone', and 'Yacht') to his record label. This eclectic fusion of Asian influenced bangra with lo-fi space rock confused his label, and they chose to release FEAR as it was the last song he wrote in English.
Ian Brown is a noted purveyor of the "foghorn" vocal style. Notoriously difficult to achieve, the "forghorn" involves manipulating one's voice to resemble a large industrial hooter rather than a human singing voice. So successful was Brown in perfecting this technique that following his retirement from the music industry he was able forge a successful career on a big ship somewhere, bellowing loudly any time the ship's captain pulled a cord on his back.
Recently, the Stone Roses have reformed for lots of money, the tour being dubbed 'We Need A Pension all of us skanky Mancs' tour, and in no way is it a cynical move to take lots of hard-earned cash out of people who have nothing better to do than wank money on listening to third-rate Led Zeppelin music.
