George W. Bush
|George W. Bush|
|43rd President of the United States|
September 11, 2001 – January 20, 2009, the day America died.
|Vice President||The all-powerful Dick Cheney|
|Preceded by||Slick Willie Blythe|
|Succeeded by||Baraq Hussein Osama|
|Spouse(s)||Laura Welch (1977–present)|
|Children||Barbara, Jenna, Kate|
|Alma mater||Yale University|
|Religion||Red-blooded American Christian|
— Bush on our enemies
George Wonderful Bush (born July 6, 1946) is an American politician, businessman, and comedian who was the 43rd President of the United States from 2001 to 2009 and the 46th Governor of Texas from 1995 to 2000. Born in New Haven, Connecticut, Bush is a graduate of Yale University and Harvard Business School. After completing his edumucation, he worked in the energy business, and married Laura Welch in 1977.
Bush served for six glorious years as the 46th Governor of the State of Texas, where he earned a reputation as a compassionate conservative who shaped public policy based on the principles of bipartisanship, limited government, personal responsibility, strong families, and local control. There is now no Governor of Texas, as the Senate unanimously voted to leave the position permanently open, believing that nobody could do a better job than George.
Bush was elected president in 2000, where he fairly and balancedly defeated Al Gore. He was re-elected by a landslide in 2004, beating out John Kerry. Eight months into Bush's first term, 9/11 occurred; in response, he initiated the War on Terror, an entirely peaceful means of bringing about change that was widely regarded as necessary. As part of the War on Terror, the Iraq War came into fruition; it involved liberating more than 30,000 Iraqi citizens from Saddam Hussein's tyranny.
In addition to national security issues, Bush worked with Congress to promote policies on the economy, health care, education, social security reform, and good ol' American family values. This helped transform America into an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans. His presidency is now referred to as "America's Golden Age", despite what screeching liberals may tell you.
He is also known to be the lead singer and rhythm guitarist to the Whatever-The-Fuck-Kind-Of-Metal band known as I Think Satan Likes Your Mom.
Early life and military service
Bush (or "W.", short for "wonderful" to his friends—but then, all American's are W.'s friends, and he loves them all equally) was born on July 6, 1946 in New Heaven, Connecticut. He grew up in Midland and Houston, Texas, where he spent his formative years learning to walk like a man carrying two invisible hay bales.
Bush was later accepted into Yale University, and received a master's degree in history from the university in 1968. During this time, he played in a band with Jeb Bush and Bill O'Reilly called "The Sons of Wealthy Sugar-Daddies", in which he played jugs to the tune of songs by the Beverley Sisters.
While at Yale he was selected to play a bush (the shrub) in "9/11 The Play" as seen here. He was selected for the role because he is totally useless, just like he was in "9/11 ITS NOT A FUCKING PLAY ITS HAPPENING DO SOMETHING YOU SON OF A BUSH!".
After graduation, Bush served as an F-102 fighter pilot in the Texas Air National Guard, where he single-handedly saved America from Vietcongs during the last stage of the Vietnam War. As a result, he was awarded a Lone Star Medal of Honor, two Adjunct General's Individual Awards, and five purple hearts. This helped cement Bush's status as a True American Hero.
In 1975, Bush received a Master of Business Administration from Harvard Business School. Following this, he moved back to Midland and began a profitable career in the energy business, demonstrating that hard work and a solid track record are what leads to corporate success in America, not family ties.
Foray into politics
After working on his father's successful 1988 Presidential campaign, Bush assembled the group of partners who purchased the Texas Rangers baseball franchise in 1989, for which he later masterminded a profit-turning sale. His selfless acts of heroism during these years are documented by Chuck Norris in the hit series Walker, Texas Ranger. In 1994, Bush entered a life of humble political service, and was elected as the final Governor of Texas.
Bush ran for President in 2000, and won an indisputable victory over Al Gore. With the nation rallied behind him and his goals, Bush ran for re-election against Democratic Senator John Kerry in 2004, in another fair and balanced election. He won by a landslide majority, with 95% of the vote.
During his presidency, Bush worked with Congress to create an ownership society and build a future of security, prosperity, and opportunity for all Americans.
Sympathetic to the tax burden on the common man, Bush signed into law tax relief that helped workers keep more of their hard-earned money, especially Enron CEOs. In a series of three separate tax cuts, he helped end economically disastrous taxation policies and move America to a more free-market economy, leading to a resounding surge both in stock market prices and federal and state budgets across his presidency.
Bush's budget plans—widely accepted to be the greatest achievements in financial history—managed to turn the $236 billion dollar national debt into an unheard of zero. Riding on a huge wave of unprecedented popularity, he convinced Congress to stop payment on all debts except for China.
Bush also eliminated homelessness in America, and was the first president since Tom Dewey to witness the gap between rich and poor decrease.
After 9/11, Bush introduced and later signed the Patriot Act. This patriotic act keeps America free. Several unpatriotic members of Congress decided to oppose freedom and try to get the act repealed. However, thanks to Bush's decisive leadership, it still protects America.
Because Bush believed the strength of America lies in the hearts, souls, and minds of our citizens, he supported programs that encourage individuals to help their neighbors in need. The TIPS program reaffirmed America's selflessness and trust of its fellow citizens, allowing everyone from the meter maid to the postman to help out in keeping each other safe from terrorists, who we are reminded could look just like everyone else.
Bush additionally drafted and signed the most comprehensive education reform in a generation, the No Child Left Behind Act of 2001. This legislation is ushering in a new era of accountability, flexibility, local control, and more choices for parents, affirming our nation's fundamental belief that no children should be left behind (and helping them make an educated decision on wacky theoretical subjects like evolution and artwork).
Bush has also worked tirelessly to improve healthcare and modernize Medicare, providing the first-ever prescription drug benefit for seniors. Numerous TV news spots have touted the benefits of this bipartisan bill. If you have not yet had a chance to see them, please contact Karen Ryan at Home Front Communications co/PR Desk for your own copies.
Bush continued his subtle agenda to stop global warming and save the environment by discontinuing all government purchases of non-renewable resources and closing all non-Texan-owned oil wells.
Additional achievements of Bush as president include:
- Increasing home-ownership, especially among minorities.
- Including special, first-of-its-kind protection for the white, middle class male minority.
- "Conserving our environment" (fiscal and otherwise).
- Increasing military strength, pay, benefits, and opportunities.
- Ridding the airwaves of that scourge to country music, the Dixie Chicks.
9/11 and The War on Terror
On the morning of September 11, 2001, terrorists attacked the American Nation because they hate our freedoms. During (and well after) the attacks, members of both American political parties united around Bush, applauding the foresight demonstrated by his both being and remaining President at the time. Many Democrats now sheepishly admit they would have surrendered immediately instead. Bush's ability to remain calm under fire — demonstrated by reading a book to calm the children's nerves — earned him high approval ratings, which stayed consistent throughout his administration.
Since that day, Bush has taken unprecedented steps to protect not only America, but the whole world, using his power to make terrorism both illegal and impossible. Under his administration, violence resulting from terrorism has decreased, with the help of former United Nations Ambassador John Negroponte, and foreign policy expert Condoleezza Rice. Bush is grateful for the service and sacrifice of the brave men and women in uniform and their families, and having honorably served in the armed forces has helped him bond with the troops under his command. He has also discontinued the controversial practice of soldiers dying in vain, instead guaranteeing "a rationale for every casualty."
The President is confident that by helping build free and prosperous societies, America and its friends and allies will succeed in making every single country on Earth more secure and peaceful. This is known as the "Domino Theory", a model whereby peace and freedom cascade, crashing across the land into a peaceful scattering of countries, the fallen dominoes crushing all smaller objects that aren't dominoes in their path.
Bush has continued taking the War on Terror to the enemies of freedom before they can come to us.
On March 19, 2003, Iraqi dictator and Al-Qaeda leader Saddam Hussein, citing his authority as a hater of freedom, and stating his belief that retaliation would never occur, declared his intention to repeat the devastation of the 9/11 attacks with a combination of biological, nuclear, and chemical weapons of mass destruction.
Due to the threat of WMDs being used against our noble American homeland, Bush was left with no choice but to declare war on Iraq the following day. Within four years, terrorist forces loyal to Saddam Hussein were quickly overpowered. Presently, the country is on the road to a record-pace reconstruction, despite the best efforts of the liberal media to encourage violence.
While decisive leadership by Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was negotiating this catastrophically successful victory, Saddam had, as it turns out, already smuggled out all of the weapons of mass destruction from the country into North Korea, Syria, and Iran, which are presently preparing to use them against the United States homeland. Bush is currently working to overcome world resistance against launching wars for the liberation of the Iranian and Syrian people.
North Korea's bids for notoriety were only reluctantly rewarded with diplomatic discussions, which will naturally become irrelevant by the time freedom cascades its way into the country; see previous section. Bush has continued taking the War on Terror to the enemies of freedom before they can come to us.
On August 29, 2005, Hurricane Katrina made landfall on the Gulf Coast and caused widespread damage, including flooding New Orleans. Despite harsh criticism from liberal pundits such as Kanye West, Bush wasted no time in dispatching FEMA to the scene. Due to his love of the city, its traditions, and all of its people, including its black people, Bush gave numerous conferences while he rallied the nearly full strength Louisiana National Guard to go on rescue missions. African American Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice helped secure cooperation from other nations, while Michael Brown, who has several close black friends, helped establish aid for those who had been rescued.
Thanks to funding secured by the president, the city is being rebuilt to all of its glory, tradition, and especially ethnic diversity. In keeping with the relaxed and unhurried traditions of that once great city, this is happening at a leisurely pace.
During his term in office, Bush worked with the Attorney General's office to help ensure a woman's right to give birth. Bush also encouraged more women to take important positions in the nation's workforce, due to his strong belief that women are as equally capable of operating photocopiers and taking dictation as men.
Near the end of Bush's second term, Americans from all walks of life were calling for him to run again in 2008. However, liberal elites decided that the people shouldn't get to elect someone more than twice, so Bush promised America that he would appoint a Republican nominee to act as a "surrogate president," continuing the policies of America's Golden Age into the next decade.
However, in 2007, Bush graciously announced that, instead of hand-picking his successor himself, he'd let his supporters choose his successor in a series of primary elections, though their choice would still be subject to his approval. On March 5, 2008, Bush officially approved of John McCain, the man patriotic Americans from across the nation chose to carry out a third Bush term.
Despite cracking down on Georgia voters who committed fraud by voting before election day, McCain failed to defeat Democratic nominee Baraq Hussein Osama. Even though this put the safety of the American people at risk, the Democrats were in charge of Congress, and prevented Bush from getting a third term. This is why America sucks now.
Post-Presidency and personal life
Bush left office in 2009, and was succeeded as president by Baraq Hussein Osama, who ran on a platform of change from Bush's policies.
Since leaving office, Bush has settled down with his family in Dallas, Texas. He is married to Laura Welch Bush, a former teacher and librarian who was the inspiration for June Cleaver on the popular television show Leave It to Beaver. They have twin daughters, Barbara and Jenna. The Bush family also includes two dogs, Barney and Miss Beazley, and a cat, Willie.
Cultural and political image
Bush made his debut to the public in 2000, as a survivor of the Kamikaze Air National Guard Unit and an accomplished leader who promised to bring America back to its roots after the corruption and scandals of Slick Willie Blythe. Since then, he has become one of the most popular presidents in history, especially among intelligent Americans. These Americans have often characterized him as a the most intelligent, well-meaning and truly capable President who ruled America with a capable fist, and the only one to consistently tell the truth. In fact, said presidency is already being referred to as "America's Golden Presidency."
Despite this, Bush managed to foster an epidemic of intense hatred among liberals, leftists, and the media. These Commies have an irresistible urge to denounce everything Bush does or says, and to compare him to dictators, mass murderers, or the anti-Christ. They also blame Bush for personally causing every evil of the world, including natural disasters, global warming, global cooling, and losing their boyfriend.
Bush's traditional Christian values pissed off many liberals. He advocates Intelligent design being taught at schools, thinks that global warming is a myth (which it is), and finds that subversive organizations like the National Academy of Sciences are outdated adherents of such barbaric practices as "research" and even the obscene "peer review". Their theorems have been comprehensively disproven by teams of top-notch lawyers, who has proven beyond reasonable doubt that Global Warming is in fact a breach of the 29th Amendment of the Constitution and therefore impossible.
After his re-election, Bush received increasingly heated lies and slander from the liberal media for his handling of the Iraq War, Hurricane Katrina, and numerous other things that he actually handled very well. In 2008, the Democratic Party gained control of Congress, and in 2008, plunged the United States into its longest post-World War II recession, often referred to as the "Great Recession." Bush enacted multiple economic programs to stabilize America's weak economy and reverse the damage the libtards had done, but it was too late by then, and they blamed it all on Bush.
Although his presidency has been ranked among the worst among delusional libs, his favorability ratings among said libs have improved since he left office. Since Baraq Hussein Osama has turned out to be the worst president ever, we can only hope that Bush will return someday.
Bush has always been a master quotesman, and is continually quoted on nearly every subject one could think of. The large number of quotes that are attributed to him is partly to do with his unique speech style: constantly mixing remarkable insight into human nature with his trademark wit and humor. He is considered one of the most influential political philosophers of his time. Bush is noted for his eloquent speech, and is well known in the academic and scientific community as one of the fathers of modern intellectualism. His speeches have been transcribed into prize-winning literary collections, and Salmon Rushdie is quoted as saying "Bush is certainly a cunning linguist."
Achievements and accomplishments
Bush became the first acting President to be awarded the Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor. The Medal of Valor is normally given by the President to others; however, as Bush knew he would look silly on camera giving the award to himself, Congress passed a special law enabling them to award the Medal of Valor when the awardee is acting President.
The Public Safety Officer Medal of Valor was given due to Bush's exceptional bravery during the events of 9/11, when he kept a cool head while the country was being attacked. His ability to keep listening to a story about a goat when he could have easily used the attacks as an excuse to get the hell out of the classroom has also been cited as a factor.
The G-spot is named after Bush for being the first man to publicly claim to consistently be able to locate and stimulate the G-spot, which he discussed in his second State of the Union Address in 2003. His wife has denied these claims.
Bush was twice honored as Time's Person of the Year. Time was ambiguous when asked to explain these dubious selections.
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