HowTo:Receive a Presidential Pardon
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's HowTo series.
See more HowTos
Well hello, looks like your in need of a presidential pardon. Did you kill someone? Or steal something important? Huffed the orange ones a bit to often? Whatever you did, congrats on taking the initiative to fix it. Most people out there just refuse to have anything to with their crimes. DENY DENY DENY right? WRONG! Why deny when you can get completely and totally pardoned? This guide will help you
get away with prove your innocence to the country, and get you that prestigious presidential pardon.
Option 1: Extortion
Do you know the president personally? How about his family? If you do, this is your big chance to call in that favor you've been saving. All those innocent protesters would want you not let them die in vain. Have you ever extorted or blackmailed anyone before? Its fairly simple.
- Retrieve scandalous information on President. Try for accidental marriages or previous murders.
- Propose an ultimatum to said President. Try to follow the generic formula, i.e. "You can either pardon me, or I'll go straight to the liberal media." This can also be followed up with a snazzy one-liner.
- Profit! you have successfully blackmailed your way into freedom.
Option 2: Hostage Situation
So you don't know the President at all? Sad. I was expecting some bad-ass that actually tried in life. Why don't you go enjoy this page for a while?......Alright next option. This one tends to be the most effective and entertaining on your end.
- Select hostages. Hostages can be very effective or make you look like a dumb ass. Be sure to pick hostages that will garner sympathy for them. Blind orphans are always a good choice, as are children in general. Fat hostages are a mixed blessing. Nobody really cares about them, but they provide excellent protection from snipers. Which leads into step 2.
- Select location. Most likely you will go to the place or residence of your hostages, but be sure to remember that snipers and officers are nearby. So try to stage your hostage negotiations in an indoor area. Also look for vending machines or a water fountain. Yelling your demands to a screaming horde of policeman, innocent bystanders, creepers, family members, etc. can be very hard on your voice, so be sure to hydrate properly. And you never know when those munchies will start to set in, so be prepared. Bring a cooler full of drinks, or possibly a picnic basket. You're gonna be here a while.
- Demands. Obviously you want a presidential pardon, right? That would be kinda weird if you don't. But don't stop there, you've got several blind orphans at gunpoint, go for broke! Aside from the pardon, you should be most focused on getting out of there alive and legally untouchable. Frequently people just like you ask for a helicopter and some money. The money is very important, because not a lot of people are going to like you after this, but everyone likes money. Therefore, enough money = all is forgiven. Get creative when you're in this situation, this may be the only time you do this. If this is your second time, you might be Batfuck Insane.
- Success! You are now considered a terrorist by the nation you live in. Like so many other Great Men, you have used fear to get what you want. Try to use your helicopter to get from place to place because you probably won't be allowed in airports.
Option 3: Community Service
This can either suck hardcore grizzly bear nuts, or can be very rewarding. If you are not creative, you can proceed to do insane amounts of trash pickup. Believe me, there is A LOT of trash out there. So grab your poker stick thing and have at it.
Or you can save the country from an impending disaster. If you didn't know the president well enough to blackmail, I hope you know a super villain that owes you a favor. if you don't, then you have to be the most lonely person on the planet. I mean, EVERYONE knows some crazy person that's willing to destroy the world! Remember that creepy kid from 4th grade that always muttered stuff nobody could hear? Go look him up. Odds are he's a supervillain now. But I digress.
- Find a super villain or become one, up to you.
- Convince he/she that you need a disaster. Disasters can range anywhere from freezing the planet to crashing the stock market (although that second one tends to happen on its own a lot). This will make you look like a hero to the general public, allowing you to go to the store and not be repeatedly insulted for being a sex offender. Not to mention the perks of having groupies, or young women who will willingly have sex with you.
- Stop said disaster. Hopefully you've prearranged how you are going to stop your super villian, otherwise you might be in for a shit ton of actual work. Try and get a super villain who is willing to lose, which can make this situation much times easier. Remember that you are trying to do the least amount of work possible. If you wanted to actually work, you might as well have gone to jail and made some god damn license plates.
- Enjoy the benefits of being a public hero. Just be sure to get that pardon, people looooove celebrity criminals.
Do not limit yourself to the options displayed in this guide, as this is ......just a guide. I heard of a guy who once got a pardon by making the president's head asplode. So have a beer, or 4. Then get creative and fix your life. Unless you prefer the warm, loving embrace of prison buttsex. Just as the imagination is limitless, so too are the possibilities of getting a presidential pardon.