“Yeah, I was imprisioned for my sexuality under him Conservative Government, but, y'know, no point bearing grudges”
“It's been a pleasure working alongside him all these years and he will be sorely missed”
Robert Arthur Talbot Gladstone Del-boy Dermot Morgan Percy out of Blackadder Gascoyne-Cecil, 3rd Marquess of Salisbury, KG, GCVO, PC, GCSE, DDT, PLC, ABC (it's easy as 123) BBC (3 February 1830 – 22 August 1903), was a British statesman and Charles Darwin look-alike who served as Prime Minister on three occasions, none of them remarkable (unless you are counting remarkable events).
Salisbury was the first British Prime Minister of the 20th century, and the last British Prime Minister of the 19th Century. He was there when Queen Victoria died from Little Old Lady diseases, holding her hand and telling her that beloved Prince Albert was standing next to him and making hand signals.
A Privileged Childhood (Southern Ponce)[edit | edit source]
Salisbury was the second son of the 2nd Marquess of Salisbury, the 2nd in line to the second secret recipe for two second Salisbury Steak (unremarkable, you see?). After an unhappy childhood, in which he was sent to Eton College, Mrs Beeton's picnic, the bat cave and all the shit rides at Alton Towers, Salisbury went up to the East side to get himself a piece of pie.
He entered the House of Commons as a Conservative in 1853, under a pledge to replace all crappy Ferris wheels with bad-ass roller coasters. At first considered an unremarkable MP (unremarkable, you see?) Salisbury grew a sizable beard. He disapproved of democracy and instead advocated a 'Pogonogarchy', the rule of those with beards over the clean shaven mob. Salisbury tried to forward his bearded agenda in the House of Commons but his bill was vetoed by Queen Victoria. She thought Salisbury was talking about banning Lesbianism and no one was willing to correct her.
A Privileged Adulthood (Beardy Ponce)[edit | edit source]
With his political career going nowhere, Salisbury took a year out from Parliament and met his wife,
Consequently, in 1857, "Beardy Twat" - as he came to be known - married Georgina Alderson, a woman of lower social standing, over the objections of his father. His father protested that Alda was a) a vegetarian who would not understand the ways of the Salisbury's; b) Her social standing was unbecoming of a man of Salisbury’s tenderness, sauciness and side-salad; and c) She was a right bloody Moose. Regardless, the marriage proved a happy one and bore him five sons, two daughters and three rat-beasts.
In 1866 Cecil, now Viscount Cranberry Sauce after the death of his older brother (in beard related circumstances), entered the third Government of Lord Derby Hat as Secretary of State for India. Though he tried to refine himself to the tastes of his new domain by cutting back on the gravy and currying himself lightly, he resigned the next year over the Second Reform Bill, which he opposed as it suggested a vegetarian diet would improve digestion.
In 1868, on the (suspicious and beard-related) death of his father, Salisbury Steak inherited the Marquessate of Salisbury - a rather poncy title which nevertheless made him a member of the House of Lords. It was the happiest day in his life.
From 1868 and 1871, he was chairman of the Great Eastern Railway, which was then experiencing losses, though bribed insiders assured bribed reporters that this had little if anything to do with the embezzlement of company funds to pay beard tax and buy beard wax. During Steak's tenure, the company was taken out of chancery, and paid out a small dividend on its ordinary shares. This sort of boring trivialities will be of interest only to very boring, bearded men interested in company law. Chances are they will be named after a type of steak.
Sirloin Salisbury returned to government in 1874, serving once again as India's Secretary, serving tea and steaks, and in the government of Benjamin Disraeli. The two shared and amicable friendship though Salisbury disapproved of Disraeli's tendency to call fellow politician William Gladstone a "twat". However, Salisbury gradually developed a good relationship with Disraeli.
In 1878, Salisbury succeeded Lord Derby Hat II (Revenge of the Derby Hat) as Foreign Secretary (that being a secretary who deals with bloody foreigner’s rather than one who is a bloody foreigner) in time to help lead Britain to "peace with honour" at the Congress of Berlin. For this he was rewarded with the Order of the Garter, but blamed for laying the foundations which would later trigger World War One, the beardy twat.
Premiership Years (Statesmanlike Ponce)[edit | edit source]
Following Disraeli's death in 1881, the result of a beard related stab wound to the face, the Conservatives entered a period of turmoil embodied by accusations of beard-related stabbings.
Salisbury became the leader of the Conservative members of the House of Lords, though the overall leadership of the party was not formally allocated. Many blamed an inexplicable fear of beards which had, for no apparent reason, been instilled in many MPs, and as a result, Salisbury Steak struggled with the Commons leader Sir Stafford Northcote, winner of the Poshest Name In Christendom Award 1883; a struggle in which Salisbury eventually emerged as the leading figure after Northcote suddenly perished from a facial wound
Salisbury became Prime Minister of a minority administration from 1885 to 1886. Although unable to accomplish much due to his lack of a Parliamentary majority - including his ambition to create a universal language called English, like it or fuck off - the split of the Liberals over Irish Home Rule in 1886 (often attributed to beard related disappearances of several Liberal MPs) enabled him to return to power with a majority , and to serve as Prime Minister from 1886 to 1892 and 1895-1902, beard and all. Salisbury now hoped that an entire country would follow him down his bearded route.
In 1888, the year of Jack the Ripper the absence of Salisbury from Parliament was notable, as was the beard-related circumstances surrounding the deaths of them slappers what got done in. Questions were asked, some answers were supplied but Salisbury continued. He was not so much as part of the political landscape, he was the political landscape.
Later Years (Old Beardy Ponce)[edit | edit source]
In 1889 Salisbury set up the London County Council after losing a bet that he couldn't "shut up and shove your head up your arse you beardy tosser" and then in 1890 allowed it to build houses in Dover, for no discernible reason other than a front for his frequent 'baccy runs to Calais. However he came to regret this, saying in November 1894 that the LCC, "is the place where collectivist and socialistic experiments are tried. It is the place where a new revolutionary spirit finds its instruments and collects its arms. They're a right shower of bastards!". Many historian's now attribute this outburst to an LCC tax on imported cigarettes.
Also in 1889 Salisbury's Government passed the Naval Defence Act 1889 which facilitated the spending of an extra £20 million on the Royal Navy over the following four years. Of the Act, Salisbury was heard to remark "Cooo-eee! Hello Sailor! Oooh, get you duckie! How's the extra cash suiting you girls? You BITCH!" This was the biggest ever expansion of the navy in peacetime: ten new battleships, thirty-eight new cruisers, eighteen new torpedo boats, four new fast gunboats and forty-seven new cruise ships were created, many including regular Bette Middler numbers.
Traditionally Britain had possessed a navy one-third larger than their nearest naval rival, two thirds the size of the next biggest which was one third the size of its own seconds which was two times bigger than a navy half its size or not. However, now the Royal Navy was set to the Two-Pac Standard; that it would be maintained "to a standard of strength equivalent to that of the combined forces of the next two biggest navies in the world, and if you don't like it, I've way's of dealing with you, duckie!". This was aimed at France and Russia. And anyone who got on the wrong side of
rump Sirloin Steak. The cheeky twats.
Salisbury's expertise was in foreign affairs, a delicate mixture of diplomacy and extreme, beard related violence. For most of his time as Prime Minister he served not as First Lord of the Treasure Chest, Jim Lad, the traditional position held by the Prime Minister, but as Foreign Secretary. In that capacity, he skilfully managed Britain's foreign affairs, famously pursuing a policy of "Splendid Isolation" by refusing to talk to anyone with a different accent; skin colour; currency; or regional hat. Among the important events of his premierships was the Partition of Africa (with knives), culminating in the John Fashanu Crisis and the Second Boring War, which was a bit shit compared to the First One. While at home he sought to "fight Home Rule with kindness (and beard related coercion)" by launching a land reform programme which helped hundreds of thousands of Irish peasants gain land ownership. Or get shot, their choice. Well, not really.
On 11 July 1902, in failing health and broken hearted over the death of his beard, Salisbury resigned. He was succeeded by his nephew, Arthur Balfour. Salisbury was twice offered a dukedom by Queen Victoria in 1886 and 1892, but declined both offers, citing the prohibitive cost of the lifestyle dukes were expected to maintain and Harry the Bastard would break both his legs if he found out Salisbury was earning that kind of money.
Salisbury died suddenly in 1903, in a beard related incident which has yet to be explained.