User:Willy on wheels/My Virginity
The author will finish it later.
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This article contains content not suitable for people with the brain of a person under 14 inches (35.5cm) tall and/or transvestites.
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This user seeks adoption by an experienced editor. (Users offering adoption) |
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Somebody has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic. |
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The Burninator! Willy on wheels is hereby awarded for extreme diligence in the deletion of crap. Fear them. |
This Admin has successfully beaten the crap out of many, many articles in rapid succession. Fear them greatly.
 Alien Burninator! This User is hereby cited for extreme diligence in warding off an Alien Invasion |
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THIS USER IS ADDICTED TO COWBELL, AND SHOULD BE AVOIDED AT ALL COSTS. |
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This user is addicted to video games. |  |
Please re-write this article! Hic articulus est terribilis in figura και που έχουν ανάγκη από ένα ξαναγράψει. This article will be rechecked in 45 days. אנחנו נבדוק את המאמר הזה một lần nữa trong hai tuần alvorens het al file circolare. Oy vey!
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Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring....BANANAPHONE!!!! |
hacking up with them will most likely make you Bat Fuck Insane. Or they'll just affiliate your killer whale!!
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This user is a bad ass, so treat them with respect. |
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This user is an asshole.
Please avoid direct contact.
I agree to multi-license my file contributions, unless otherwise stated, under the GNU FDL and the terms of creative communism. Use it as you seem fit. Spread it. Take what you want, add, remove, change and improve. Why not sign with you own name and claim authorship? One rule, however: Don't you ever try subjecting this material under the terms of copyright, intellectual property, or similar licenses of evil. Please be aware that other contributors might not do the same, so if you want to use my contributions under the terms of communism, please check the multi-licensing guide, or use a peer-to-peer network to override such restrictions of free use.
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Apparently this user is damned funny. It is not an inside joke or vanity page, but you pretty much need a PhD to get it. Or so we've been told, most of us seem to prefer humour involving masturbation and/or Jesus. This user may have been masturbating over a picture of Jesus. You can send them to hell by giving them an atomic fisting.
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This user needs a steady supply of Caffeine. So hand it over . . . NOW. (List of users who NEED caffeine) |
THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS ONE OR MORE WORDS OR PHRASES KNOWN BY THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS AND OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM.
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This Admin has successfully beaten the crap out of many, many articles in rapid succession. Fear them greatly.
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Somebody set up us the bomb |
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Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend's house.
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If you feel your brain is at threat, please redirect yourself to this page.
Now, go away, because I'm afraid that this article could asplode at any second and this template is no moon.
Note: This article is Bob Barker-approved. Really, it is.
“I've already reached the End of the Internet! Sadly, I had only got DSL a year before I reached it.”
— Richard M. Stallman on The End of the Internet
| Jewish stuff |
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Template:EXTREME!
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That was easy.
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This user has been eaten by a grue in Grueslayer. |
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Thank you for making over 800 edits! |
F@H |
This user has added unknown points to the {{{2}}} F@H Team. Screw you, Uncyclopedia! |
This person has done something very helpful for Uncyclopedia, and thus is deserving of a Feather in their Cap. Respect this person.
Featured one year ago today | |
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[[{{{%PAGE%}}}]], featured on 3 May 2022. |
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Useless Gobshite of the Month {{{Month}}} {{{Year}}} |
Muammar Qadhafi
You feel so powerful after picking up that mysterious phone booth and the bottom of the aisle with it. The woman loves you now, your wallet is suddenly filled with cash, and your acne has cleared up forever!
That's right:
- *** You have won ***
Oh no! It turns out that was just some aliens playing a trick on you from their flying saucer!
Whilst your rosy sense of achievement has distracted you, they have taken the opportunity to quickly suck out your gastric juices with a telescopic bendy straw! In other words, you just lost The Game.
Late Thursday night. You've had a hard day and the last thing you need is this: shopping. Luckily, the place is pretty empty and you're progressing rapidly.
On to the next aisle.
The aisle stretches to the north, and back to the south. The shelves on either side of you block your view of the rest of the supermarket, with only the brightly colored aisle markers visible.
You have stopped your trolley next to the pasta section, bright plastic bags full of pale skin-tone shapes.
There is a brunette woman a few meters ahead, filling her trolley with sauces.
A shiny metal phone booth sits in the center of the aisle.
Your move:
- Pick up phone booth
- Pick up aisle
- Pick up phone booth and aisle
- Pick up THE phone booth and aisle
- Use the phone booth
- Examine phone booth
- Examine aisle
- Examine me
- Examine woman
- talk to woman
- talk to me
- talk to phone booth
- sing
- inventory
- go to the magazine aisle
- look north
- look south
- look east
- look west
- look left
- look right
- look up
- look down
- look out
- look away
- go north
- go south
- go east
- go west
- go left
- go right
- go forward
- go backward
- jump
- jump back
- fly up
- tunnel down
- travel to past
- travel to present
- travel to future
- undo
- redo
- wait
- fall asleep
- wake up
- eat food
- eat the phone booth
- push booth
- fill booth
- draw booth
- dig around booth
- dig booth
- your mom
- pinch me
- cast Frotz
- cast Meteo
- cast Ultima
- cast Tom
- cast Magyck Myssile
- get the hell outta here
- enter shadow
- explode with the energy of a thousand suns
- win game
- let the dogs out
- get eaten by Domo-kun
- attempt to pronounce "xyzzy"
- say it again
- plugh
- go north, north, south, south, west, east, west, east, B, A, start
- remove cockroaches from mouth
- rm -rf *
- close this window
- vandalize the page
- Grawp vandalize
- recurse
- dial "666-666-6666" on the phone booth
- see my vest
- decline Latin verbs
- swear very loudly
- push buttons, push buttons like you just don't care
- Oscar Wilde on Pick Up the Phone Booth and Aisle
- become a professional screenwriter
- How do I stop the Grue from eating me?
- AAAAAAAAA!
- Leave aisle
- Buy pasta
- open PUTPBAA version 2.0
- do something
- play RuneScape
- breakdance
- look at pants
- look in pants
- Do absolutely nothing
- change clothes
- Ask the brunette out to a date in Atlantis.
- opt for the fetal position
- Huff kittens
- Pinch the brunette's buttocks
- Flip the buggy over and crawl under it and ask the lady for a bottle of sauce so that you can survive for another day
- learn to speak every single language known to man (and several known to monkeys!)
- spontaneously combust
- Try to fight a Grue, and lose badly
- Leave this site and watch YouTube videos
- Play Zork, causing an epic win
- die
- come to a horrible existential realization
*Secret option!
Super-secret option!
Double super-secret option!
> {{{1}}}
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This user is a member of the Goa Tse Clan. This user does not want Uncyclopedia to be the worst. |
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[[User:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]] is a certified Goatsebuster! This user has done their part to stamp out Goatse wherever it is found on the Internets, and especially on Uncyclopedia! |
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{{{2}}}
Don't Panic!Willy on wheels/My Virginity is actually h²g² Researcher {{{1}}}.
Bloody marvelous! Happiness abound in readings of you. Laughing Chairman Mao giving you award from [[User:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]] for special contribute of funny to Uncyclopedia!!
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This user is a L33t H@xx0r and probably uses aimbots or something. Beware or they will kill you again and again and again. And again.
Stupid camper. |
Famous People with Famouser Facial Hair: Abraham Lincoln ~ Adolf Hitler ~ Blackbeard ~ Bluebeard ~ Brian Blessed ~ Epic Beard Man ~ Frank Zappa ~ Freddie Mercury ~ Frida Kahlo ~ Friedrich Nietzsche ~ Grigori Rasputin ~ John R. Bolton ~ Joseph Stalin ~ Karl Marx ~ Sal Fasano ~ Salvador Dalí ~ Wilford Brimley ~ ZZ Top
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Truth is funnier than outright Lies or Plain Nonsense: Coherence is like a horse, and funny is like a cart. |
| This article needs more work. See ICU for details. Incorrect usage. Read instructions at {{ICU}}. |
| Note to tagger: Please use a fix or sub message to help the author. |
You're not helping. Please eliminate some.
Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.
The Chilling Investigation[edit | edit source]
The First Murder: Mrs. Plum[edit | edit source]
I have discovered that the first murder was committed in the bathtub with an obsolete revolver right when the lights went out! There, right in the middle of everything, was the PWNED body of Mrs. Plum, the first of the three murders of the evening. After some clever investigation, I saw that, clutched in her right hand, was 3 broken matches from a Peruvian Match company box... This was interesting, considering the conversation that had occurred at the dinner table... COLONEL MUSTARD!
At Dinner[edit | edit source]
I think we all remember Mrs. Plum bragging about her job as soccer hooligan. I remember the conversation she had with the Colonel being very awkward: full of pauses and hiccups and throat clearing. Also, she ordered a strange dish for a woman in her position: the liver drenched in chocolate milk. That dish has special significance in Louisiana, as the Colonel well knows. Now, I know for a fact that the Colonel had served overseas in that region for nigh five years. However, dinner was not the only thing linking the Colonel to the crime. It was the second murder that convinced me to start looking for clues.
The Second Murder: Mr. Orange[edit | edit source]
The second murder occurred two hours after the first. Mr. Orange was found face up in being oranged up with a pair of needlenose wire cutters sticking out of his chest. In there with him was an antique, white satin glove of unknown origin. I recall him telling us, before he went outside, that he had some "business" to take care of. I thought that it was strange that he would go outside so abruptly in the first place, because it was cold. And also there were bats. I don't like bats.
Mr. Orange[edit | edit source]
There are some things that you all must know about Mr. Orange before we continue. I had a personal investigator research his past before I called you all in here. Here's what we now know:
- AGE: It's hard to believe it, but Mr. Orange was only 8 years of age. It's odd, I mean, considering what he did on his days off.
- HOBBY: I have discovered that Mr. Orange had a penchant for making Humble figurines. He has, on numerous occasions, used his knowledge of this hobby at his job.
- OCCUPATION: Mr. Orange used to be a writer on Star Trek until he was fired... For mysterious reasons. Reasons that neither I nor my investigator could uncover. I'm almost positive that he held a grudge for what he probably saw was an indignity. This grudge manifested itself in strange ways. Few of you probably know of Mr. Orange's sordid past.
- SORDID PAST: Mr. Orange has been convicted on several misdemeanor counts of misdemeanor annoying. Considering Mrs. Plum's occupation, I believe you can ALL see the connection.
This leads me to the, for lack of a better word, "AWKWARRRD" between he and Mrs. Plum at dessert-time.
Dessert[edit | edit source]
You may all recall the conversation at dinner, when Mr. Orange challenged Mrs. Plum to a chess game. When she refused the fourth time, Mr. Orange seemed discouraged. When she accepted on the fifth time, Mr. Orange forced us to watch the two of them play for two hours, and he forced the third murder victim to keep score.
The Third Murder: Mrs. Salmon[edit | edit source]
Four hours after the second murder, Mrs. Salmon was found. She had been hung by a thread in the upstairs closet. If you recall, she kept score of the "game" between Mrs. Plum and Mr. Orange. However, I bet you didn't know that she was an accomplice to Mr. Orange's various crimes! For a whole year, Mrs. Salmon was the chief lookout of Mr. Orange's adult pornography ring! That's right. I bet you didn't know that. It'll all make sense nine hours from now when I reveal the murderer!
The Evidence[edit | edit source]
The Murder Weapons[edit | edit source]
The murder weapons, you all may have noticed, were all items from Wal-Mart. You also may have noticed that all the murder weapons, except for the suspicious golf trophy, were stained with the victim's blood afterwards.
The Satin Glove[edit | edit source]
At each crime scene, a satin glove was found. Oh wait, did I not mention that? Sorry. Aaanywho, the gloves were all of the same size, and Colonel Mustard was seen wearing one at dinner, during the wrestling match, during dessert, and after he found the body of Mr. Orange.
The Suicide Notes[edit | edit source]
At each crime scene, the victim was holding a suicide note. The suicide note was always written in a firm aristocratic lettering with a blue 1997 model BiC fountain pen on parchment scented with whale oil. Of particular note was the suicide note found with Mrs. Salmon, which was signed "CM".
The Suspicious Cook[edit | edit source]
The cook, who only spoke in Yiddish, was especially suspicious, considering that he was of Korean ancestry, wore a long twirling mustache, and had a tattoo of two dragons being intimate on his forearm.
The Missing Rifle[edit | edit source]
Even though it was never used, the rifle that was hanging in the trophy room disappeared thirty seconds before the lights went out.
The Electric Failure[edit | edit source]
Right before, or after, the murder of Mrs. Plum, the lights went out. I know that the fuse box is outside, far away from the murder scene. I also know that THE COLONEL used to be an electrician before joining the Coast Guard. However, I will need time to process this information.
The Confession Note[edit | edit source]
The confession note that was found with the suspicious golf trophy reads as follows:
Being of sound mind and body, I, the suspicious Asian chef, hereby declare that I committed all the crimes, and take full responsibility. It was not any of the other guests, including the handsome Colonel, and I did it. I did it, I killed 'em. Signed, CM
However, I'm not fully convinced that the suspicious Asian chef really did write that note, considering that he only spoke Yiddish. It goes in the evidence pile anyway, as evidence that the suspicious Asian chef was lying.
The Suspects[edit | edit source]
After considering all the evidence, and gathering all the clues, I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four.
Me[edit | edit source]
Every good investigator has to include all the options. Maybe I just forgot that I committed them. Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was under hypnosis. Maybe I forgot that I forgot. Maybe I was drunk while under hypnosis. I'm not sure. Anyway, I will recuse myself from this investigation because I'm cool like that.
You[edit | edit source]
Well, I mean, since there's only three of us, and since your signature, "CM" was on all the "suicide notes", I'm guessing it's you, Colonel. However, like you said earlier, it's true that I could have forgot that I committed the murders, and it's true that I wasn't paying attention the whole time, and it's true that I also know how to fire guns, and it's true that I'm not perfect. Okay, okay, calm down. We still have two more suspects to go.
The Chef[edit | edit source]
The chef, being an Asian, is almost at the top of my list. Asians are a tricky folk, full of tricks and trickery. In spite of that, he was gone when the murders were committed, and his hand didn't fit in the satin glove, which basically clears him... Okay, okay, it's true that he could have a twin... and he IS Asian... and that confession note was nearly suspicious...hmmm...
Indian Burial Grounds[edit | edit source]
This all could be a horror movie, and we're living in a house built on ancient Indian burial grounds. I mean, it could be.
The Conclusion[edit | edit source]
It is as I always suspected: THE CRIME...is unsolvable! I don't understand the link between the clock in the dining room stopping and the second murder. Or the hamster that Mrs. Plum brought with her and the missing hunting rifle. Or the suspicious cook, the suspicious invitations, and the bookcase full of human skulls. Or the broken lamp in the living room. This crime is unsolvable, and I'm getting the HELL outta here.
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