User:Willy on wheels/My Virginity

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ZU MACHEN!! Sie gibt! This article is horribly in need of a re-write, but do not delete it. If able, you may re-write it. If you are too weak, contact a member of Der Unwher immediately. Heil! If not fixed within 45 days, this article may face deletion.

Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring....BANANAPHONE!!!!

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This user needs a steady supply of Caffeine. So hand it over . . . NOW. (List of users who NEED caffeine)

A mysterious stranger has awarded you a slice of cake!

The icing is extra-frosty!

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THIS ARTICLE CONTAINS ONE OR MORE WORDS OR PHRASES KNOWN BY THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA TO CAUSE CANCER, BIRTH DEFECTS AND OTHER REPRODUCTIVE HARM.

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This work is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported. You're (probably) welcome to have your way with it, but only under those terms. Enjoy!

CC BY-NC-SA

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Mega Deletion Award! This Admin has successfully beaten the crap out of many, many articles in rapid succession. Fear them greatly.

GENERAL

of Der Unwehr

Somebody set up us the bomb. For great justice take off every 'zig'.

The information contained in this article is dangerous.

Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend's house.

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This user is a Danish …And unabashedly proud of it! (List of Danish Uncyclopedians)

WARNING: This page contains logic and philosophy.

If you feel your brain is at threat, please redirect yourself to this page.

E G A E D M The Emmanuel Goldstein Award {{{Month}}} {{{Year}}}

Congratulations! You have reached the End of the Internet! Where would you like to go? East? West? North? South? Outside? Now, go away, because I'm afraid that this article could asplode at any second and this template is no moon. Note: This article is Bob Barker-approved. Really, it is. “I've already reached the End of the Internet! Sadly, I had only got DSL a year before I reached it.” ~ Richard M. Stallman on The End of the Internet Sign the EOTI guestbook!

Template:Eagle Talon  That was easy.

This user has been eaten by a grue in Grueslayer.

Thank you for making over 1,785 edits!

F@H

This user has added unknown points to the {{{2}}} F@H Team. Screw you, Uncyclopedia!

F@H

Feather in Your Cap Award

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	Useless Gobshite of the Month {{{Month}}} {{{Year}}}

Muhammar Gheddafi

Pick Up the Phone Booth and Aisle

You feel so powerful after picking up that mysterious phone booth and the bottom of the aisle with it. The woman loves you now, your wallet is suddenly filled with cash, and your acne has cleared up forever!

That's right:

*** You have won ***

Oh no! It turns out that was just some aliens playing a trick on you from their flying saucer!

Whilst your rosy sense of achievement has distracted you, they have taken the opportunity to quickly suck out your gastric juices with a telescopic bendy straw! In other words, you just lost The Game.

*** You thought you had won, but in reality, YOU LOST ***

But wait...

You feel a tremendous wrench – the hand of God coming down to wipe clean the temporal chalkboard. The world dissolves, and then quickly floods back into existence, restoring its state as it was before you made your move.

But somehow, things aren't set up exactly the same as last time....

Willy on wheels/My Virginity

Late Thursday night. You've had a hard day and the last thing you need is this: shopping. Luckily, the place is pretty empty and you're progressing rapidly.

On to the next aisle.

The aisle stretches to the north, and back to the south. The shelves on either side of you block your view of the rest of the supermarket, with only the brightly colored aisle markers visible.

You have stopped your trolley next to the pasta section, bright plastic bags full of pale skin-tone shapes.

There is a brunette woman a few meters ahead, filling her trolley with sauces.

A shiny metal phone booth sits in the center of the aisle.

Your move:

• Pick up phone booth
• Pick up aisle
• Pick up phone booth and aisle

• Use the phone booth
• Examine phone booth
• Examine aisle
• Examine me
• Examine woman
• talk to woman
• talk to me
• talk to phone booth
• sing
• inventory
• go to the magazine aisle
• look north
• look south
• look east
• look west
• look left
• look right
• look up
• look down
• look out
• look away
• go north
• go south
• go east
• go west
• go left
• go right
• go forward
• go backward
• jump
• jump back
• fly up
• tunnel down
• travel to past
• travel to present
• travel to future
• undo
• redo
• wait
• fall asleep
• wake up
• eat food
• eat the phone booth
• push booth
• fill booth
• draw booth
• dig around booth
• dig booth
• your mom
• pinch me
• cast Frotz
• cast Meteo
• cast Ultima
• cast Tom
• cast Magyck Myssile
• get the hell outta here
• enter shadow
• explode with the energy of a thousand suns
• win game
• let the dogs out
• get eaten by Domo-kun
• attempt to pronounce "xyzzy"
• say it again
• plugh
• go north, north, south, south, west, east, west, east, B, A, start
• remove cockroaches from mouth
• rm -rf *
• close this window
• vandalize the page
• Grawp vandalize
• recurse
• dial "666-666-6666" on the phone booth
• see my vest
• decline Latin verbs
• swear very loudly
• push buttons, push buttons like you just don't care
• Oscar Wilde on Pick Up the Phone Booth and Aisle
• become a professional screenwriter
• How do I stop the Grue from eating me?
• AAAAAAAAA!
• Leave aisle
• Buy pasta
• open PUTPBAA version 2.0
• do something
• play RuneScape
• breakdance
• look at pants
• look in pants
• Do absolutely nothing
• change clothes
• Ask the brunette out to a date in Atlantis.
• opt for the fetal position
• Huff kittens
• Pinch the brunette's buttocks

• Flip the buggy over and crawl under it and ask the lady for a bottle of sauce so that you can survive for another day
• learn to speak every single language known to man (and several known to monkeys!)
• spontaneously combust
• Try to fight a Grue, and lose badly
• Leave this site and watch YouTube videos
• Play Zork, causing an epic win
• die
• come to a horrible existential realization

*Secret option!
Super-secret option!
Double super-secret option!
> {{{1}}}

This user is a member of the Goa Tse Clan . This user does not want Uncyclopedia to be the worst .

Somebody has awarded you a cookie! Now go play in traffic.

I Needed Help! …and all I got was this lousy template. (Were your questions answered? We hope so!)

Header

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{{{2}}}

Don't Panic!

Willy on wheels/My Virginity is actually h²g² Researcher {{{1}}}.

Happy Chairman Award

Bloody marvelous! Happiness abound in readings of you. Laughing Chairman Mao giving you award from [[User:{{{1}}}|{{{1}}}]] for special contribute of funny to Uncyclopedia!!

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This user is a L33t H@xx0r and probably uses aimbots or something. Beware or they will kill you again and again and again. And again. Stupid camper.

2019 Happy Monkey Award!

Congratulations, Happy Monkey Contestant, for WINNING the 2019 Happy Monkey Contest!

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We all got invited here, we might as well solve a mystery n' shit.

Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.

The Chilling Investigation

Photographic evidence.

The First Murder: {{{1}}}

I have discovered that the first murder was committed in the cupboard

with a rubber breadknife right after the first scream! There, right in the middle of everything, was the PWNED body of {{{1}}}, the first of the three murders of the evening. After some clever investigation, I saw that, clutched in her right hand, was a friendship ring, inscribed with the words "E Pluribus Unum"... This was interesting, considering the conversation that had occurred at the dinner table... COLONEL MUSTARD!

At Dinner

I think we all remember {{{1}}} bragging about her job as an auctioneer. I remember the conversation she had with the Colonel being very awkward: full of pauses and hiccups and throat clearing. Also, she ordered a strange dish for a woman in her position: the liver drenched in chocolate milk. That dish has special significance in India, as the Colonel well knows. Now, I know for a fact that the Colonel had served overseas in that region for nigh five years. However, dinner was not the only thing linking the Colonel to the crime. It was the second murder that convinced me to start looking for clues.

The Second Murder: {{{2}}}

The second murder occurred 54 seconds after the first. {{{2}}} was found with a look of surprise on his face in the swimming pool with a gun sticking out of his chest. In there with him was a wig made of gorilla fur. I recall him telling us, before he went outside, that he had some "business" to take care of. I thought that it was strange that he would go outside so abruptly in the first place, because it was cold. And also there were bats. I don't like bats.

I believe that the evidence speaks for itself.

{{{2}}}

There are some things that you all must know about {{{2}}} before we continue. I had a personal investigator research his past before I called you all in here. Here's what we now know:

• AGE: It's hard to believe it, but {{{2}}} was only 8 years of age. It's odd, I mean, considering what he did on his days off.

• HOBBY: I have discovered that {{{2}}} had a penchant for cow tipping down at the docks. He has, on numerous occasions, used his knowledge of this hobby at his job.

• OCCUPATION: {{{2}}} used to be a writer on Star Trek until he was fired... for mysterious reasons. Reasons that neither I nor my investigator could uncover. I'm almost positive that he held a grudge for what he probably saw was an indignity. This grudge manifested itself in strange ways. Few of you probably know of {{{2}}}'s sordid past.

• SORDID PAST: {{{2}}} has been convicted on several misdemeanor counts of misdemeanor annoying. Considering {{{1}}}'s occupation, I believe you can ALL see the connection.

This leads me to the, for lack of a better word, "AWKWARRRD" between he and {{{1}}} at dessert-time.

Everyone agrees that the chef WAS, IN FACT, Asian.

Dessert

You may all recall the conversation at dinner, when {{{2}}} challenged {{{1}}} to a game of thumb wrestling. When she refused the fourth time, {{{2}}} seemed discouraged. When she accepted on the fifth time, {{{2}}} forced us to watch the two of them play for an hour, and he forced the third murder victim to keep score.

The Third Murder: {{{3}}}

69 seconds after the second murder, {{{3}}} was found. She had been hung by a wire in the upstairs closet. If you recall, she kept score of the "game" between {{{1}}} and {{{2}}}. However, I bet you didn't know that she was an accomplice to {{{2}}}'s various crimes! For 8 months, {{{3}}} was the getaway driver of {{{2}}}'s public nudity ring! That's right. I bet you didn't know that.

The Evidence

{{{3}}} examining the suspicious golf trophy (from the fourier) on the front lawn, right before dinner was served.

The Murder Weapons

The murder weapons, you all may have noticed, were all items from Wal-Mart. You also may have noticed that all the murder weapons, except for the suspicious golf trophy, were stained with the victim's blood afterwards.

The Satin Glove

At each crime scene, a satin glove was found. Oh wait, did I not mention that? Sorry. Aaanywho, the gloves were all of the same size, and Colonel Mustard was seen wearing one at dinner, during the wrestling match, during dessert, and after he found the body of {{{2}}}.

The Suicide Notes

At each crime scene, the victim was holding a suicide note. The suicide note was always written in a firm aristocratic lettering with a blue 1997 model BiC fountain pen on parchment scented with whale oil. Of particular note was the suicide note found with {{{3}}}, which was signed "CM".

The final piece of the puzzle.

The Suspicious Cook

The cook, who only spoke in Yiddish, was especially suspicious, considering that he was of Korean ancestery, wore a long twirling mustache, and had a tattoo of two dragons being intimate on his forearm.

The Missing Rifle

Even though it was never used, the rifle that was hanging in the trophy room disappeared right before the lights went out.

The Electric Failure

Right before, or after, the murder of {{{1}}}, the lights went out. I know that the fuse box is outside, far away from the murder scene. I also know that THE COLONEL used to be an electrician before joining the Coast Guard. However, I will need time to process this information.

The Confession Note

The confession note that was found with the suspicious golf trophy reads as follows:

Being of sound mind and body, I, the suspicious Asian chef, hereby declare that I 
committed all the crimes, and take full responsibility. It was not any of the other
guests, including the handsome Colonel, and I did it. I did it, I killed 'em.
Signed,
CM

However, I'm not fully convinced that the suspicious Asian chef really did write that note, considering that he only spoke Yiddish. It goes in the evidence pile anyway, as evidence that the suspicious Asian chef was lying.

The Suspects

One of the suspects now in custody.

After considering all the evidence, and gathering all the clues, I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four.

Me

Every good investigator has to include all the options. Maybe I just forgot that I committed them. Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was under hypnosis. Maybe I forgot that I forgot. Maybe I was drunk while under hypnosis. I'm not sure. Anyway, I will recuse myself from this investigation because I'm cool like that.

You

Well, I mean, since there's only three of us, and since your signature, "CM" was on all the "suicide notes", I'm guessing it's you, Colonel. However, like you said earlier, it's true that I could have forgot that I committed the murders, and it's true that I wasn't paying attention the whole time, and it's true that I also know how to fire guns, and it's true that I'm not perfect. Okay, okay, calm down. We still have two more suspects to go.

This case (artist's depiction)

The Chef

The chef, being an Asian, is almost at the top of my list. Asians are a tricky folk, full of tricks and trickery. In spite of that, he was gone when the murders were committed, and his hand didn't fit in the satin glove, which basically clears him... Okay, okay, it's true that he could have a twin... and he IS Asian... and that confession note was nearly suspicious...hmmm...

Indian Burial Grounds

This all could be a horror movie, and we're living in a house built on ancient Indian burial grounds. I mean, it could be.

The Conclusion

It is as I always suspected: THE CRIME...is unsolvable! I don't understand the link between the clock in the dining room stopping and the second murder. Or the hamster that {{{1}}} brought with her and the missing hunting rifle. Or the suspicious cook, the suspicious invitations, and the bookcase full of human skulls. Or the broken lamp in the living room. This crime is unsolvable, and I'm getting the HELL outta here. I've had enough of this nuthouse.

	Jackass of the Month {{{1}}}

This user really thinks that Jack Black is FUCKIN' AWESOME!

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series

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