Junichiro Koizumi

Young Koizumi

Junichiro Koizumi right now.

Koizumi greeting his new underlings after his invasion of the New York Yankees.

Junichiro Koizumi (Japanese: 御母様 Koizumi Jun'ichirō, born January 8, 1942) is the current Dear Mother of Japan (the prefix of "Hello" was recently added to the title under the suggestion of Super SD Chief Cabinet Secretary Hosoda). He was born Junichiro Mashirito in a small village island off the coast of Okinawa called Penguin Village. Since he was a little child, he has demonstrated his innate ability to perform evil through the wonder of Science. Soon, he was known as Dr. Mashirito, feared Mad Scientist of Penguin Village. Many comment that he has archetypal Asian looks but he is actually a cyborg, his only remaining humanity being his waftiest hairstyle. Soon he realised that Penguin Village is too small for him, so he left for the Japanese mainland, and joined Japan's ruling Liberal Democratic Party. Following the resignation of Prime Minister Hashimoto, he nominated himself for the party leadership. His slogan was "I will terminate LDP" (自民党をぶっ壊す; Jimintō o Bukkowasu). No one could resist the awesome power of his Mashirito Laser Cannon, and so he easily won the party poll and automatically became the Prime Minister of Japan.

Every year, he visits Yasukuni Shrine (靖国神社) which is known as the centre of the world. There he renews his vow to achieve global conquest. Korea and China have been vigorously warning the rest of the world that Koizumi is evil, and that Japan will remilitarize and once again try to take over the world, this time with an unholy army of Kamikaze robot soldiers. But, who takes Asian seliousry? I do! In fact, I think Asian girls are too sexy for their own good! So does Junichiro! (Who looks way too much like Richard Gere not to be him.)

Currently, he is the chairman of the International Mad Scientist Convention.

Personal Achievements and Random Facts

Koizumi and Monkey Man after receiving news that the pancakes were ready.

That infamous picture taken seconds before Koizumi warned George W. Bush to "XYZPDQ".

• Attempted to privatize the Japanese hentai industry (previously under the centralized control of the Greater East Asian Co-Prosperity Sphere) in 2005.
• Created the anime series Naruto, or rather plagiarized Harry Potter from J.R.R. Tolkien and altered only a few details.
• Is Woodrow Wilson's natural mother.
• Won his 10th consecutive "World Leader Games: Best Hair" gold medal in 20X6.
• Is only the third Japanese Prime Minister in history to successfully perform a shoryuken on an interpreter at an international summit conference.
• In 1492, in display of "shock and awe" tactics, he violently overthrew the Yankees, effectively taking over New York City.
• Was responsible for converting Japan's currency over to the hentai standard in 2002.
• CEO of Delta Airlines
• Won the "sexiest world leader" competition 5 years running, and is the favourite to win it for the sixth consecutive time later this year.
• Starred as himself in the groundbreaking Anime series Primary Sunspot Manager Junichiro Koizumi Purple Monkey Dishwasher
• Killed 98,000,000,000 pirates, coming in 2nd to Mr. T for the title of "Most Pirates Killed By A Non-Ninja." This fact is now disputed because Some authorities believe he might actually be a ninja.
• Once challenged MacGyver to a battle of wits. His airplane constructed from a cellphone, a baseball bat, and a stick of gum didn't stand a chance against MacGyver's Jesus (made from a baseball bat, a paperclip, and a box of kittens).
• Introduced tacos to his land

In Pop Culture

There is much question about whether Junichiro Koizumi has, in fact, relation to Itsuki Koizumi from Haruhi Suzumiya no Yuutsu. Koizumi's response to this question was, "Chigau! Atashi wa uchuujin kara, chounouryokusha ja nai yoo! ;o;" in a very schoolgirl-ish voice. He then added, "Demo.. Koizumi-kun wa chou kawaii neee ^o^" Finally, it was concluded that we were not getting the answer from Koizumi, so reporters asked Koizumi instead. Koizumi answered to this with, "Hai, watashitachi wa futago desu. Demo, Haruhi no suki kara, Koizumi-chan wa chounouryokusha ja nai. Koizumi-chan wa honto ni danjo desu." It seems the rumours were true. (*danjo(男女)- hermaphrodite (no relation to 'dango', a tasty bread bun))

People Personally Killed

Koizumi (R) robot dances at the 2005 Asian summit

• J.R.R. Tolkien
• Alex Trebek
• J.K. Rowling (In the year 2023)
• Shinzo Abe

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series