Gaijin
Gaijin (Japanese: 外人国家に居住している人々, pronounced "guy-jin") are people from the land of Gaikoku (外国) who may come to Japan to live, work, or backpack around and eat overpriced ramen. A large portion of them also come to predate on the dwindling population of young Japanese women. The word roughly means, "lowlife barbarian bastard slop-eating pigtard," and is supposed to refer to all foreigners including the Chinese and Koreans. However, this article will focus mainly on European and North American gaijins, who are predominantly White.
Types
Gaijin usually fall into the following categories, although subvariants and strains of the gaijin (also known as Waito Piggu or "White Pig") emerge almost annually.
English teachers
They usually come to Japan to chase Japanese girls and earn some money at the same time.
In most cases, they speak only a few words of Japanese and are not interested in Japanese culture beyond eating cheap ramen and lighting incense at a temple maybe a couple times before getting bored. They also think that English is a God-given language that should be spoken everywhere and are exasperated with young Japanese student's very slow progress. When they are addressed in Japanese they feel outraged and completely offended. Also, they are primarily responsible for the almost complete lack of English comprehension in Japanese society, as the English language has become inextricably tied to weird perverts trying to prey on Highschool girls.
Anime fans
They are obsessed with Japanese animation, specifically with the type which fulfills their sick fantasies such as hot sauce genital porn. They find themselves attracted to images of underage Japanese schoolgirls in sailor uniforms being raped by some horrible tentacled monster from space. They also collect used schoolgirls' panties. They can usually be seen at Anime conventions drooling over cute Japanese hostesses and models, and can be easily identified by their gaudy plumage. Below is a typical Otaku conversation. Notice how they mix the words like "kawaii", "chan", and "desu" into every sentence, despite the fact that they have no idea what they mean.
Otaku 1: Konichiwa princess chihara, don't you think Naomi-chan is so sugoi kawaii desu ne?
Otaku 2: Naomi-chan isu soooo kawaii desu.
Otaku 1: Sooo kawaii.
Otaku 2: ...desu ne.
Also notice that Otaku give each other Japanese nicknames, such as "Princess Chihara" and "Fukmihado". They refuse to respond to their birth names.
American heroes. Allowed to do as they wish with Japanese women as part of a treaty negotiated by Commodore Perry, and no one complains since most locals obviously crave to be groped or raped by a sweaty White guy straight out of Basic. They do this with impunity as locals usually don't like making a fuss.
Japanophiles
A more virulent, advanced version of Otaku. People who are obsessed with anything Japanese. They worship the Land of the Rising Sun, they believe that Emperor is divine, they prefer coins with square holes and believe that Japan should rule the world (as opposed to England). One of their main reasons for coming to Japan is marrying a Japanese girl, although they believe they should be the only foreigners allowed to marry them, and that all other foreigners should be kicked out of Japan. Many Japanophiles can be found on 4chan. Many of them dream about becoming emperor. Japanophiles seem to forget that they themselves are European immigrants, and scoff at any other white people living in Japan who do not know the difference between Saporo Soba noodles and Fukuoka soba noodles (even though most Japanese don't know this either).
Chapanese
This group of people is considered only semi-gaijin, as they are yellow. Chinese people wanting to be Japanese, either to avoid sweatshops or just to spread the Chinese race across the country. Of course, they could fill Hu Jintao's dream of taking over China, but they soon realize that the Japanese schoolgirls have secret aviator skills dating back to World War II and pull ninja stars out of their asses to kill them. Engaging in crime and collaborating with Yakuza is their specialty. Racist Japanese politicians (aren't they all?) openly downplay them to the Japanese. Note: Koreans can also be "Chapanese" (because they're yellow).
Despite serving Chinese geopolitical ends, they are universally hated by their countrymen back in China, mostly due to World War II. The Chinese claim Japan raped and killed at least fifty million of them, which is a gross and irresponsible exaggeration. The real number is closer to forty-two million. Plus, Japan also gave China the secrets to Smooth Jazz, so it all evens out.
Brazilian
They go to Japan just to steal all the money in the country. They are all a mixture of Japanese people with all the other ethnicities that exist in the world (Brazil is the land of sex, don't forget). They get a visa to play professional street soccer, but all they do is buy 100-yen products to send to Brazil as the brand new tendencies happening on Japan. They steal, they attack pure yellow Japanese girls, they throw garbage in the wrong bags, and they don't know how to get dressed. They don't know Japanese and dance samba every weekend. They love zangyou. Their favourite past time is to steal Japanese jobs no Japanese person would ever do, and voluntarily earn 10% of minimum wage, all happily without complaining. This all enrages most Japanese who find all of these examples of moral turpitude.
Jungle Asians
Mainly Filipinos and Indonesians, with a smattering of Malaysians. They are sent mostly as nurses to care for the elderly and infirm, as the native Japanese nurses have all grown elderly and infirm as well. You may occasionally see an anime obsessed freak, or a geographically confused K-Pop fan, wondering why they are not treated as warmly as the non-jungle Asians. You also get a lot of hookers, who are only dressed up as nurses. They send 99% of their paycheck back home to their family, who spend it all on booze and lottery tickets, so they all congregate by the 7-11 to lick the crumbs and humidity off the floor, lacking money for anything else except the essentials. They may occasionally get lucky and marry a richer Japanese man, who will then vacation to their wife's home country to cheat on them with an even poorer hooker. Such is life.
Issues in daily life
While the quality of life has been steadily increasing over past years for majority of gaijin, there are still big issues concerning trivial things in daily life. For example, it is extremely hard for a gaijin to rent a house or an apartment room in Japan, as they are thought to be noisy or trouble-makers who skip rent, invite over western backpackers to have weird orgies, look down on Japanese for their depraved sex habits and smell, in general, like sweat hairy barbarians emanating an odor somewhat like cheese.
Also, if a gaijin doesn't speak Japanese at all, the gaijin can do NOTHING AT ALL (Possibility: 102.8%), and eventually, the gaijin will be starved to death (Possibility: approximately 89.7%) unless locals feel bad and give them some cold udon noodles. Even if you meet the Japanese people claiming that they speak English, this is not going to be helpful, because they speak, most likely, Engrish, the alleged dialect of English. The following shows the possible English-Engrish conversation between you and Japanese.
You: Do you Speak English?
Japanese: Ah, Harro! Litoru bito. (makes gesture with thumb and finger)
You: Where is McDonalds?
Japanese: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. soooori. Aii donta knooww.
If you don't even speak English, (this means if you don't speak Japanese or Engrish, and you can only speak French or Chinese or German or whatever...) you won't be able to get out from the airport (Possibility: 999999.9756%) and the airport will be your home for the rest of your life. (Possibility: 999991.9756%) The reason is, the gaijin who doesn't speak either Japanese or English will be treated as an alien, and thus, won't be treated as the same human being in Japan.
More will be discussed on this matter below.
Food
Gaijin are usually considered to eat only hamburgers and pizza, and never hearing of other available cuisine. When a gaijin successfully manages to utilize chopsticks, he will be praised much like a small child who has just learned to eat with a spoon. Since Japanese people like to think they invented most of the food there is in the world, they will usually ask smart questions like:
"Do you have sausages in your country?"
"How do you eat barbecue in your country?"
"Do you have fish in your country?"
One American was once asked if "there were cucumbers in the United States". America brought cucumbers to Japan, idiots! Of course, saying that would likely lead to a work visa being revoked, so best to pretend that Japan is the source of all innovation and biological life.
Note that all questions asked by Japanese people must include "in your country". This is to clearly imply to the gaijin that Japan is not their country. A gaijin could move to Japan at age 5, speak flawless Japanese with a local accent, know little about their ancestor's country, live and breathe everything Japanese and know nothing else, and always, always, forever be nothing but a gaijin. Act as though they are not, and they will be lovingly joked at in school (what school principles refer to as relentless brutal bullying).
Strange beliefs
Gaijin have a very odd outlook on religion, often believing there to be one, and only one, god/dess, all evidence to the contrary being ignored. Some Japanese have, of course, taken to this belief, resulting in such odd sects as Tenrikyo and Christianity.
Gaijin also possess many radical and dangerous beliefs. For example, many gaijin believe that:
- People should behave as individuals,
- Working hours should be reduced down to only 14 hours a day, and
- Whale and dolphin sashimi isn't oishii.
These beliefs demonstrate the danger that these gaijin present to Japanese society. It is just as well that they cannot directly communicate with Japanese people.
Gaijin also hold the deluded beliefs that their country invented things like Macudonarudo, Dizunirando, Seban-ireban and the four seasons.
More disturbing are the family-values defying ideas that women should always work and not give up everything to raise their husbands children, express their own ideas and contract men, make more than their husbands and do really difficult work involving complex maths or making hard CEO level executive decisions. They do nothing whilst their children kiss other kids of the same gender, even when they aren't drunk. The most terrifying traits of their beliefs, is the idea that you could physically touch, or even worse, gasp, embrace a stranger in a tight bear hug for up to ten seconds. It's just too unfathomable to be real!
Love life
- For guys
Since the majority of gaijin come to Japan with the intention of getting Japanese poontang, it will usually be their primary goal from the moment they wake up to the moment they go to sleep. While gaijin are generally considered to be able to get sex any time they want, this common belief is fairly accurate. But to assist in the ease of laying a Japanese girl there are several prerequisites that a gaijin should fulfill (but isn't required to) in order to accomplish this goal.
Those are defined as:
- Being white—Sicilians don't count! They will assume you are an Arab, so you should act accordingly, and bring a pet snake to wow locals.
- Having blond hair—anything other than jet-black is pretty much blonde hair.
- Having blue eyes—green eyes are considered blue in Japan.
- Speaking English—Scots English doesn't count! They will assume you are retarded.
- Being tall—anyone over 5'4" is considered tall in Japan.
- Having a huge penis—anyone with a 4-incher or up is considered big, sadly for you (statistically).
Being American is a definite plus (but definitely not British), as Japanese females love USA (who wouldn't love the the people who A-bombed their country?), although in many cases this condition can be disregarded, since "America" and "gaikoku" are practically synonyms in Japanese.
Note that the enumerated list is a conjunction, which means it requires all above statements to be true in order for a gaijin to be successful in his quest for poontang. Fulfilling less than all terms results in utmost failure.
The general pattern is for a western man to pester the Japanese woman in a non-subtle way and insist and insist and insist until the Japanese girl is completely worn down and just gives in, with an emotionless bond slowly developing. If a relationship starts, the woman will warm up to the western man after two decades, this may speed up with children.
- For gals
Women hoping to get some action in Japan can forget it. This is due to the fact that:
- Japanese guys are terrified of women in general, especially gaijin women, as they have strange lumps on their chests hitherto only seen in anime. The exception to this is the chikan (ちかん, i.e. "Train buddy"), although don't expect much more than a quick grope.
- 99.99% of gaijin males are attracted exclusively to tiny, Asian girls with massive eyes, microscopic skirts and chronic giggling. The other 0.01% are gay.
- Japanese men believe that Western women have cavernous vaginas full of teeth. And the subset who think that's pretty hot will leave disappointed once they find your loose, below-average vagina (statistically, if you aren't a man).
- Japanese rightly believe all western women can transmit super STDs, even through condoms.
It is not unusual for the gaijin female to leave Japan feeling like a hideous whale (although not one who anybody wants to eat). Having said that, when not destroying society, those Brazilians can occasionally be lured into your LeoPalace for some futon fun.
Gaijin—Japanese communication
Gaijin are dangerous and unpredictable creatures, so attempting face-to-face interaction is not recommended. Feel free to talk about them in front of them as if they can't hear you. However, if you find that your contact with a gaijin must involve more than staring at them from a distance, you will need to use English.
Though you may hear a gaijin occasionally emit sounds which resemble Japanese speech, do not be fooled! This is not an indication of any understanding of the Japanese Language. English is the only language that gaijin (including those from such countries as Brazil and Italy) can speak.
English may seem difficult (unless it's British English, in which case you're dead), but you can effortlessly make an easily understandable and grammatically perfect English sentence with the following tried and true formula:
- Simply start with a Japanese sentence.
- ジョーさんのお父さんは、タコス食べ放題のある店で働いているね。
- Joe-san no otousan wa, tacos tabehoudai no aru mise de hataraiteiru ne.
- Convert all the words you can to their katakana equivalents.
- ジョーさんのパパは、タコスバイキングのあるショップでバイトしているね。
- Joe-san no papa wa, tacos viking no aru shop de 'beit shiteiru ne.
- Remove all the remaining Japanese words.
- ジョーパパ、タコスバイキングショップバイト。
- Joe papa, tacos viking shop 'beit.
Now you can easily communicate with gaijin, despite the fact that you didn't pay attention during your 7th through 12th grade English classes and your teachers couldn't really speak the language anyway!
Keep in mind that although you might be a native English speaker, Japanese people will often commend you on your ability to speak English and statements such as "Your Engrish is soooo good!" aren't that uncommon (although the correct phrase is "soooo good, come on Toshi").
Future
Japan is facing an insurmountable crisis, where the young will not be able to cover the cost of the elderly retired. Japan will likely implode on itself in about thirty years. Allowing more gaijin to come in and help out will create a temporary reprieve whilst Japan can figure out some other solution. However, the idea of allowing hairy loud uncouth barbarians into Japan in numbers above 0.001% of their population is too painful a thought to allow, even if only allowing in the most educated, economically successful and palatable ones.
No, Japan would rather have a slow dignified cultural death than contaminate the tapestry of their rich cultural heritage by letting in noisy Italians, snotty French, fat English, calculating German, weird Finnish or fishy-smelling Portuguese savages. The gaijin can only be tolerated as a trickle of people, to be an office mascot, to somewhat exploit, treat as a pet, and send home when it cannot be further housetrained. This could never change.
