Japan Railways Group
"Privatization: because nothing screams ‘national stability’ like splitting your rail network like a divorce settlement."
The Japan Railway Group, known as JR or The Seven Confused Dwarves, is the spawn of the legendary 1987 celebrity breakup of Japanese National Railways (JNR). JNR was so catastrophically in debt that the government opted to yeet it into six regional children and one nocturnal freight gremlin, each cursed with its own personality disorder, and in charge of controlling most of Japan's railways.
The Great Divorce of 1987[edit | edit source]
Japan in 1987: JNR has more debt than any organization should legally possess, trains are late, stations are sad, strikes everywhere, and someone in 国土交通省 is hyperventilating into a bento box.
Solution?
Break it. Just break it.
Thus emerged:
- JR East – The golden child
- JR Central – The rich kid
- JR West – The anxious middle child
- JR Hokkaido – Needs therapy
- JR Shikoku – Should not legally count as a full company
- JR Kyushu – Is it even a railway company?
- JR Freight – Who?
The debt was magically banished to a government vault labelled "DO NOT OPEN," where it remains in suspended animation.
East Japan Railway Company (JR East)[edit | edit source]
"We have 45% of Japan’s population. Give us your money."
JR East operates the railways in the Greater Tokyo region, the most densely packed place not classified as a solid. Their trains come every 90 seconds and still manage to be overcrowded. Some of its achievements include:
- Has so much revenue it accidentally loses pocket change equivalent to Shikoku’s GDP
- Treats delays of 45 seconds as war crimes
- Releases new anime mascot collabs on a daily basis
- Causing 98% of depression in Google Maps employees.
JR East is the child that brings home straight A’s, plays violin, gets into a top university, and asks for permission before breathing.
Central Japan Railway Company (JR Central)[edit | edit source]
"WE ARE THE SHINKANSEN AND YOU WILL RESPECT US."
JR Central runs the Tokaido Shinkansen money printer. Its CEO wakes up each morning, checks if the bullet trains are still faster than God, and then chew diamonds for breakfast. The company:
- Makes more money per year than most countries
- Believes Tokyo → Nagoya → Osaka is the only region on Earth
- Hypes up the Maglev like the second coming
- Cry because Shizuoka won’t give them water rights.
- Cry again.
JR Central is the sibling that shows up to family dinner in a Lamborghini and refuses to talk to JR Hokkaido without a chaperone.
West Japan Railway Company (JR West)[edit | edit source]
"We’re trying our best. Please don’t shout."
JR West is perpetually apologizing.
Its natural habitat includes:
- Apology press conferences
- Kansai commuters screaming
- Kyoto tourists standing on the wrong side of escalators
JR West apologizes for:
- Delays
- Weather
- Accidents
- Your personal problems
- Historical events predating railways by centuries
JR West is the middle child who tries to keep the peace but also hasn’t slept since 2005.
Hokkaido Railway Company (JR Hokkaido)[edit | edit source]
JR Hokkaido exists in a perpetual state of survival. One can occasionally find railway tracks in the network of snow.
Its challenges include:
- Snow
- More snow
- Financial ruin
- Wolves (probably)
- Tracks that disappear overnight
- Entire mountains collapsing because “lol nature”
JR Hokkaido closes lines not because they want to, but because the land itself demands a sacrifice.
They have an annual budget approximately equal to a Tokyo vending machine.
JR Hokkaido is the sibling everyone worries about, but nobody knows how to help. In 2016, they were narrowly saved from bankruptcy by JR East, with the opening of the Hokkaido Shinkansen.
Shikoku Railway Company (JR Shikoku)[edit | edit source]
JR Shikoku operates on the smallest main island of Japan, which has approximately three cities and seventeen goats, The company runs charming but empty trains, and holds the Guinness World Record for "Most Stations Where No One Got On Today". Many of its services exist because if they shut them down, someone’s grandma would write a strongly worded letter.
JR Shikoku is the family’s gentle cousin who lives in the countryside and sells handmade socks.
Kyushu Railway Company (JR Kyushu)[edit | edit source]
"Trains? Yeah, we do those. But have you seen our hotels?"
JR Kyushu realized early on that railways alone weren’t going to pay the bills. So it branched out into everything.
A few of the services JR Kyushu offers:
- Shopping malls
- Ferries
- Hotels
- Restaurants
- Real estate
- Shadow governments
- Railways (on occasion)
Japan Freight Railway Company (JR Freight)[edit | edit source]
"Knock knock. It’s 3AM. Container train."
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JR Freight hauls mysterious shipping containers containing either industrial goods or deep eldritch secrets. It has exactly two employees.
Family Reunion[edit | edit source]
When the seven JR companies meet, the following happens:
- JR Central and JR East has a dick-waving contest over revenue.
- JR West bows in the corner
- JR Kyushu tries to sell everyone hotel packages
- JR Shikoku hands out homemade keychains
- JR Hokkaido hasn’t shown up because the train got cancelled
- JR Freight was too busy holding up cosmic balance to show up.
Tickets & Fares[edit | edit source]
JR’s fare system is so absurdly complex that most passengers are technically committing crimes without knowing it. One man in 2013 attempted to buy a ticket from Chiba to Niigata and accidentally pledged loyalty to the Yakuza.
Buying a JR ticket requires:
- 3 PhDs minimum.
- El Capitan supercomputer
- Mental stability (included in the new Spring Family Joyful Trip Pass, sold only at the 3rd South exit at Shinjuku)
- A prayer to Amaterasu
- The blood of the Suica penguin (may he rest in peace)
