Ayumi Hamasaki
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 She's nearly 50 by the way... | |
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| Years active | 1998–present |
| Relatives | Hatsune Miku |
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Ayumi Hamasaki, also known as the Empress of Pop, the Goddess of Weebism, or Asian Madonna, is Japan's best singer-songwriter. Born in Fuckowa, Japan in 1978, she eventually moved to Tokyo to pursue a career in acting, but after discovering she looked identical to most of the population, she turned to her vocal talents instead. Her first song was a cover of Poker Face by Lady Gaga, and it somehow sold over 5,000,000 copies, outdoing the original. Its estimated that she generated the large majority of her label's income single-handedly, which really wasn't a good look for them. She has dropped a whole lot of albums, all of which have done well, and regardless of whether you've heard of her or not, she makes Taylor Swift look like the trailer trash that she is. She is approaching 50 years old, but due to dark magic, has been aging in reverse.
Life and Career[edit | edit source]
Early Life/Crisis[edit | edit source]
She hasn't quite reached this stage of life yet based on appearances, but historians tell us that she was born in Fuckowa, and raised as an only child by her mother and grandmother. Under the name "Ayumi," she released a rap song, "Bitches Ain't Shit" on the Nipple Columbia label in 1995.
Hamasaki was terrible at school, and dropped out in tenth grade in a move that shocked the Asian stereo-typists. It was during this time that she was introduced to Max Matsuura through an acquaintance, who offered her a record deal after hearing her sing at the Velfarre nightclub. She initially tuned him down because he was old and creepy, but like most musicians, she saw no other way to fame and eventually accepted. She was invited to come stay in New York to learn one-on-one with him, and it should be noted that she was only 17 at this time. Practically the second she was 18, Max declared that he had "hit the jackpot" and started "dating" her. Unfortunately for him, she was very introverted, and only communicated by writing letters and didn't even allow him to see her. Max, being the greedy goober that he was and crushed that he got no sex, wanted to get something out of the "relationship" and saw that she could write very eloquently, so pushed her to start writing her own songs. This meant he didn't have to spend so much for songwriters and could make more for less!
The Rise of the Queen[edit | edit source]
On April 1st, 1998, she dropped her first single, "Poker Face," which was suspiciously identical to a similar song by a certain Lady Gaga. Neither know of the other's existence and that is believed to still be the case as of 2025. The full album, called "A Song for Sexx," dropped a year later and began to sell like hotcakes due to a marketing mistake that sold them as adult videos. Regardless, the reception was very good and she was catapulted to fame for both her voice and her looks. There was a weird moment during this period where she experimented with reggae music, releasing the much maligned "Its All Good in Japan, Mon" album featuring the homeless guy she found on the street that looked like Snoop Dogg. She pivoted back to pop, dropping a single by the name of "Love: Destiny," followed by her greatest hit, "A." Her first tour was in 1999 but was called "Tour 2000 A" which confused many and resulted in mixed receptions.
Doody and a Rainbow[edit | edit source]
Like all good artists, she got depressed and lonely, and funneled those feelings into song. The album that was the victim of these feelings was called "Doody," which resonated greatly with fans and now continues to be her most popular and best-selling album. Next came I Am, which sadly wasn't as catchy as the song by IVE, but was still decent. The cover art is responsible for a significant raise in interest of her among the youth of the world. Initially it was gaudy and complex, but after the 9/11 attacks, she decided it would be necessary to dress down and just wear some leaves for the box art. No one knows why, but it made lots of things rise, and not just the sales. A lot of performances and random singles were dropped until 2002, when she dropped another big album, "Rainbow," which was about her affection for My Little Pony and how much it meant to her.
Miss(understood)[edit | edit source]
Her albums were starting to lose interest, and sales were going downhill quick. She was starting to get bored with her label, Avex, which was run by Max, and this contributed to her doing things out of schedule just to piss them off. In 2006, she dropped Miss(understood), which was followed by a 3 month 30 concert tour to raise funds for her brand new vaping addiction.
The Shrekening[edit | edit source]
Ayumi let it be known that Shrek 2 was her favorite movie of all time, and that from now on all songs would be Shrek related. Sadly, for fans of both Shrek and Ayumi, she admitted that she had said all of that while drunk and was really just a fan of Toy Story. "Man... fuck Dreamworks, am I right?" she was overheard saying.
Rock 'n' Roll Circus[edit | edit source]
In 2010, she got tired of doing pop and whatever else she had been doing for the past 20 years, and tried her hand at rock and roll. It was also during this time that she started a twitter account and set up a MySpace page. A 3D tour was shown in cinemas worldwide, leading to another surge in weebs being arrested for virtual sexual harassment as they all reached out a "little too often" during the scenes when she was up close.
Love Again This Summer[edit | edit source]
5 months, 5 songs. That was how she celebrated her 15th anniversary of being a singer. Most people would relax during the summer, but not Ayumi! Poolside? No thanks, catch me in the cold boring studio.
Trouble[edit | edit source]
Uh oh! COVID-19 was here to say some things. Midway through her ironically named "No Trouble" tour, she was forced to digitize it in order to continue, as everyone was banned from being near each other for a good year or so. During this time, she released two songs: "Ohio," and "Dream a Dream."
25th Anniversary[edit | edit source]
25 years of yapping into a microphone... most impressive. We will watch your career with great interest.
Public Image and Legacy[edit | edit source]
Hamasaki's lyrics and image initially gained a following predominantly among young GenX and Millennials. Teresa Stupidopulous of The Guardian wrote that Hamasaki's willingness to take on unusual subject matter is what made her noteworthy among her peers, naming her as the "undisputed Queen of J-pop." .
Critics also considering her lyricism as a "reaction against the customs and culture of the previous generation", and a "terrifyingly calm, objective view" on the social turmoil of turn-of-the-century Japan. In addition, the LGBTQRXYZ community, as they always do, decided that when she mentioned anything that wasn't just a guy or a girl, that she must be talking about them, and declared her a "gay icon" even though she has zero to do with them. She headlined a Pride event in Tokyo in 2018, but I also have sung at a Pride event and I couldn't care less, nor am I a gay icon!
In the 2000s, her frequent changes in image greatly impacted the course of fashion, and she is believe to be partially responsible for the "fashion trend" known as Kawaii.
She is also a well known idol to everyone who considers themselves to be a "weeb" or "otaku," and they are required by this religion to have shrines devoted to her in every room of their home. (Since all of them live in their parents basements, the requirement is reduced to any room they occupy for more than 12 hours per day).
