Shinkansen
| 新幹線 | |
 | |
.jpg) 0-60 Immediately | |
| Named after | J.R. Tolkien |
|---|---|
| Predecessor | Dallas Airways |
| Founder | J.K. Rowling |
| Founded at | Japan |
| Purpose | Training |
| Headquarters | Hokkaido |
| Owner | Communist Party of Japan |
Chief Vice Engineer | Bobby Ewing |
CEO | Shigeru Miyamoto |
Key people | <insert name here> |
Main organ | Penis |
Parent organization | Nintendo |
Budget (2025) | ¥700,000,000,000 |
Revenue (2025) | ¥12 |
The Shinkansen (“New Fuck Line”), colloquially known as “Japan's stainless steel dildo” is a high-speed rail system made specifically for a series of Japanese adult films during the 1960s.
Its origins remain a mystery, ranked amongst those of Sasquatch and the Loch Ness Monster, due to how the steel dildo somehow ends up transporting salarymen to existential dread 5 minutes faster than God intended. Since its 1964 debut, it has maintained a 99.999% on-time record (the 0.001% being when Godzilla held up the Nagoya line in '98 and the entire company simultaneously committed a form of disembowelment known as seppuku, the results of which meant that to this day, all Shinkansens are manned entirely of licensed Hello Kitty tentacle robots).
Nowadays, it is proudly managed by the Communist Party of Japan.
Pre-Shinkansen: The Age of Suffering[edit | edit source]
Before 1964, Japanese people who didn't wish to travel on foot had to resort to ox carts, or on extremely lucky days, hitchhiking Gundam robots. Perhaps most tragic of all, was the declining adult video industry.
Experimental trial run[edit | edit source]
Initial trials of the Shinkansen were much, much faster.
Due to the Government of Japan discovering the secrets of supersonic rail travel, the first Shinkansen rail systems were engineered to be capable of speeds up to 8,386 km/h.
While this was insanely practical, it was also extremely volatile - and research suggested that the extremely high speeds could result in warped tracks, a gradually destabilised equator, and even a slight risk of jellified human limbs during travel.
It was decided that playing God was unfeasible, and the official launch of the rail network was significantly slower.
Birth of the Sexy Metal Snake[edit | edit source]
Debuting just in time for the Tokyo Olympics in 1964, the original Shinkansen was so revolutionary that the French promptly surrendered (though that doesn't usually take much to cause that anyway). Soon, the newfound Japanese sex icon found its way all over the Japanese Archipelago, including, but not limited to, the following locations:
- Hatsune Miku (Official name of Hokkaido)
- Tokyo-3
- Ninjago City
- Mount Fujifilm
- Beigeing
- Soul
Modern Era[edit | edit source]
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These days, the Shinkansen is regarded in Japan as equally indispensable as the Smart Toilet, and the entire nation finds itself unable to resist the urge to ride this sexy metal snake. The Japanese Communist Party have risen to a brand new paramount in popularity as their metallic dildos continue to hypnotise the nation, proving far more popular than all of their previous policies and initiatives. They also decided to share the technology with the Chinese, damn sellouts.
In Other Media[edit | edit source]
The sexy metal snake has also slithered its way into many popular media from Japan and beyond, with the following being the most notable:
- In 2016, the Japanese National Diet passed a law that required all Mecha cartoon/anime series to feature one that transforms from a Shinkansen.
- In what is perhaps Hatsune Miku's most famous television appearance, the Hentai Robo Shinkalion series featured several robots transformed from Shinkansens.
