Vanity
This page may contain vanity. Uncyclopedia discourages the use of vanity unless it is actually funny. In this case, however, the vanity isn't.
So I was talking to Laura on the phone last night, and she was telling me about this crazy Uncyclopedia thing. So, I'm like, "Hey Laura, don't you mean encyclopedia?" And then she's all like, "NO! Gosh Tom, I swear, you're one of the stupidest guys I know." Well then I thought about it for a while and decided that I was, in fact, pretty stupid. Nonetheless I asked her again, "Are you sure it's not encyclopedia?" Her reply was pretty much the same as the last time. I was in shock. If it wasn't encyclopedia, then what was it? Some kind of ten-headed monster with big green eyes and arms where his legs are supposed to be, and legs where his arms are supposed to be?
Well, it turns out that Uncyclopedia isn't a monster. I guess it's some sort of "opposite" encyclopedia where people, like, write about things that don't exist or something. I still don't quite understand, but Laura was getting pretty mad so I just pretended like I knew. She started talking about some vanity thing, and I was about to ask her whether that was what you did your hair in front of, but I thought it'd be better if I just kept my mouth shut from now on. She said that in this Uncyclopedia place there are these people called admins – I don't know about you, but to me the word admin slightly resembles badminton which is kinda weird.
Vanity
Well, since I thought it would be good to stay out of Laura's face for awhile, I had to go ask one of her friends about this vanity thing. Naturally I chose Tabitha, she's the only one of Laura's friends who isn't blonde, and ... Well, I'd totally hit that. Anyway, Tabitha said she had only been to this Uncyclopedia thing once, but that Laura had been whining about it forever. She said her LiveJournal was full of all these rants about her wanting to kill herself because the admins kept deleting the page they made.
I still didn't know what the hell an admin was, but I wasn't about to look stupid in front of Tabitha, either. She told me the vanity on Uncyclopedia was some sort of writing technique, and that the admins and such didn't much care for it. It was, like, if you started writing about people no one knew, then they'd just automatically delete it, even if it was the absolute best article they had ever read! Once again, I was in shock, I mean this is an encyclopedia, not some nazi monster thing ...
Well, that's really beside the point; the point is, Laura hated Uncyclopedia, and Laura was friends with Tabitha, and Tabitha was fucking hot! I had to do something about this whole vanity thing, but I wasn't sure just what course of action I should take. I needed to talk to one of these "admins" and tell them about Tabitha ... I mean Laura. It was about this time that I thought, "Gee, I sure hope these 'admin' people aren't robots or something ..."
The admins
Admins are ... well, kinda like they sound. They go around and yell at people, just because their articles mention someone they've never heard of. Well if you haven't heard of James B. Tickenhouser, well ... I'd like to meet the person who hasn't heard of James B. Tickenhouser, because he's big, man, I mean big.
Anyway, the admins, often referred to as "the adminazis" for their nazi-esque tendencies, pretty much control everything that goes in and out of Uncyclopedia. They delete the articles they don't like, and allow only stupid nerdy articles that aren't very funny get to stay. They like to yell at people, and they're always talking about some cabal that doesn't exist. Besides that, I think they just sit around a lot, lazy bums, no wonder everybody hates them. I mean, seriously. Get a life.
Well, I tried to talk to one of these admins about Laura's article – they say they won't let her remake it because it was NNP. But, as far as I can tell, Laura's article had nothing to do with the stock market, or the economy. I thought about telling the admin this, but I really didn't feel like it. I was pretty mad by that point, and I didn't want to lose control and freak out like that "Splaka blows goats" guy. After I calmed down I decided I should just move on.
The cabal
I don't even know what the hell a cabal is. I thought it was, like, a cable. Or a TV. But ... No. I had to go ask Fred – the geeky one – what everyone was talking about. Apparently a cabal is some sort of click that seeks power through intrigue – whatever "intrigue" means. I looked it up on thesarus.com and it gave me a whole list of even more confusing words: "Synonyms: faction, junto, camarilla ..." I think a faction is some kind of word problem, and Camarillo sounds like that car ...
Anyway, at Uncyclopedia they claim there is no cabal, which I guess is pretty valid, since I've never seen any cabals lying around. They're always all like, "There is no cabal." And I'm like, "I don't even know what a cabal is!" As far as this whole vanity thing is concerned, they blame the deletion of Laura's article on the cabal. So then I'm like, "BUT THERE ISN'T ANY FUCKING CABAL!" And they're like, "Exactly." Assholes. If there isn't a cabal then how come you're allowed to blame all the mean stuff you do on the cabal? WHAT IS A CABAL?!?!
Well, when I tried to get in contact with the cabal by searching for its email on Google my success was limited. I didn't get any real email addresses, and when I tried calling all I got was some guy named Jenny. I've pretty much given up on the cabal as an answer, and I think I'll move on to plan B.
Plan B. Or C. Or whatever
I didn't really have a plan B, or even a plan C for that matter, so I just went over to Jennifer's house. Little did I know that when I got there Laura was visiting as well, and whining about Uncyclopedia again. After a while I got pretty sick of listening to her, so I threw her down the stairwell. She was pretty mad, but it was hard for her to whine about it on the account of her broken jaw.
When we took her to the hospital the doctors were all yelly; apparently it was wrong of me to throw Laura down the stairs ... But I didn't really care, because it was totally worth it. I mean seriously, you should've seen the look on her face. Priceless.
So, anyway, Laura kind of shut up about the whole vanity thing after that, but no one else did. Finally, one of the admins told Christy (Laura's ex-boyfriend's best friend's cousin) that if they loved writing vanity so much that they should just go to ED. Well, she didn't know who ED was, and wasn't really in the "getting raped by some creep on the internet" mood. Deciding to take one last chance, I told Christy I'd go and talk to this ED guy.
ED
- We're off to see the E–D
- The Wonderful Wizard of ED
- We hear he is an ED of a Guy
- If ever a Guy there was
- If ...
Oh. Right. Well, anyway, I was off to the E–D, the Wonderful Wizard of ED. I hadn't decided exactly which of the approximately 4.2 EDs I would try first, but I was determined.
Despite my strong will and mighty mind, I got kind of tired of searching through thousands of Google pages, so I went over to Tom's. Although Tom wasn't home at the moment, I managed to have a pretty good time on my own, and he had a lot of extra food lying around. After a bit I decided that I best get back to trying to find ED, but I was too lazy to walk to my house, so I just used whatsizface's computer.
On the seventy-first page of the search I noticed something. It was ED, and it was, like, actually in capital letters and stuff. It looked to be some sort of wiki, like Uncyclopedia, except more porn and less admins. When I started looking through the pages, I noticed tons of them were about people I had never even heard of! It sounded like the perfect place for Laura and all her drama queen bullshit. Even I felt a strange feeling of accomplishment ... and, uh ... some other stuff.
