Snowmobile
“It's mobile, and used in snow!”
A snowmobile is the primary form of transportation in Canada, which consists of a rickety wooden sled known as the "cockpit, eh?" and a team of no more than 7 but no less than 9 Siberian Timberwolf Shit-tsus, known as the "motor, eh?". Snowmobiles are well-adapted to the Great White North and it's permanently-wintry climates, as the dogs will generally start without fail even on the coldest February mornings -- even if you haven't plugged them in overnight.[1]
Snowmobiles in Canada are usually rated in "dogpower, eh?" based on the size and number of dogs pulling the sled, and whether or not there are any marmots for them to chase. "Dogpower, eh?" is the Canadian metric equivalent to the American term "horsepower", which has more to do with internal combustion than horses or political power.
The History Of Snowmobiles[edit | edit source]
Snowmobiles were invented in the late 1200s in Siberia, the only place in the known world at the time with enough snow to throw unruly prisoners into.[2] These Siberian prisoners soon despised the frosty climate, and longed for a way back to the sunny beaches of Moscow. They trained the smaller prisoners to pull sleds fashioned from used popsicle sticks and old refrigerators, using whips, chains, and whips with chains on them.
After perfecting the design nearly a hundred years later, the Siberian prisoners set out to head back to their original home of Moscow, to both exact revenge on their banishers, and to try and popularize and sell their new invention. Unfortunately nobody told them that the Bering Strait was all land at the time, and so they crossed over to North America.[3] Upon arriving in the new continent, they met with the Native Americans and traded furs for land. And whiskey for vodka.
After the arrival of the other European powers into the "New World", the snowmobile eventually began to popularize as hoped, because it was really the only way to get to the Pacific Ocean north of the 49th parallel. Eventually, as the frontiersmen and frontiersladies began to settle throughout the snowy Canadian Prairies, these popsicle-stick refrigerator sleds were replaced with rickety wooden sleds due to refrigerator prices finally exceeding rickety wood prices; and smaller prisoners were soon replaced with the common dog, as they were a lot easier to come by and cheaper to feed.
Since then the basic design of the snowmobile has remained relatively unchanged, except for a few racing stripes to make it look faster[4], and thumbwarmers on the handlebars.
The Future of Snowmobiles[edit | edit source]
As winter is essentially permanent to Canada[5], the snowmobile will likely continue to be the predominant form of travel throughout Canada. Researchers in Sweden are attempting to fuse rockets onto some breeds of dog, hoping to create the next big breakthrough in snowmobile technology. This has been code-named the "Fjord Fusion" so far, but other than the rocket that carried Tintin into Outer Space there has not been much success so far.
PETA also has been doing studies on the effects of combining rockets and dogs, and so far the only side effect found was that cats just couldn't run fast enough anymore.
Safety Tips for Snowmobilers[edit | edit source]
Always let a friend know where you are going[edit | edit source]
This greatly reduces the risk of being stranded somewhere on a mountain overnight, or worse: being eaten by a polar bear. Travelling in groups is also recommended, as you can eat the other person's flesh while waiting to freeze to death.
Be back in time for Hockey Night in Canada[edit | edit source]
Unless the Leafs are playing, then don't worry about it. We'll tape Don Cherry for you.
Wear approved headgear[edit | edit source]
Don't worry about helmets; your toque is probably good enough. Besides that sweet haircut of yours will probably absorb any impact not softened by the toque. You do own a toque, right?
Bring extra supplies[edit | edit source]
Remember, alcohol keeps you warm, and the more you drink, the warmer you'll feel. Also, bison jerky keeps well in less-than-Celsius temperatures.
See also[edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ You plug in a block heater, not a dog, you sick perverted psycho.
- ↑ Remember, Australia hadn't been discovered yet, so they couldn't exile prisoners there.
- ↑ This crossing of the Bering Strait is believed to be purely accidental, and as such, the Siberians ended up blaming the Spanish for finding North America first.
- ↑ Racing stripes don't really make anything actually go faster, but they do look faster and sleeker. They create the illusion of speed.
- ↑ The days it stops snowing are called "summer, eh?" in the Canadian dialect of English
