Uncyclopedia:DYK submissions/Archive 1

This page is an archive. The contents have been moved from another page for reference purposes only, and should be preserved in their current form. Discussion or voting on this page is not current. Any additions you make will probably not be read.

...That there's not really a monster in your closet?
...That in Soviet Russia, trip takes YOU!!
...Triumph of the Will Day is still celebrated anually in Berlin?
...That those suspicious white spots on your professor's blazer are in fact mayonnaise?
...that there is a 9 out of 10 chance that New Jersey is actually a state?
...That 24.2% of statistics are NOT made up?
...That I stand over <insert name here> at night and masturbate, and he doesn't even know?
...That I am writing this from beyond the grave
...That in Latina, aliquid sapiens videtur
...That I don't know where the hood is at, so stop asking?
...That anyone who says, "What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I've been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Qaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in guerilla warfare and I'm the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, any-time, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn't, you didn't, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo." isn't really a marine?

...That 'wax-on, wax-off' doesn't help teach kids karate, but just gets your cars waxed, free of charge?
...that <insert funny thing here>
...that I'm made of bones of the branches the boughs and the brow-beating light
While my feet are the trunks and my head is the canopy high
And my fingers extend to the leaves in the eves, and the bright
Brighter shine
It's my shine
...That the crow flies at midnight? Pass it on...
...That if you were to stack up all the elephants on Earth, those elephants would die?
...That the entries people suggest are so crappy this wiki just repeats old ones?
...Nuclear Bombs should never have been invented. New Zealand has something more dangerous, by the name of Morrissey.
...That only anti-american communists celebrate anything other then Christmas?
...That Liechtenstein is completely pointless
...That not all πr². There are also many π that r rounded.
...That due to Bob Geldof's inability to control the weather, there will in fact be snow in Africa this Christmas.
...That Benjamin is honest as coconuts
- but not quite as honest as pomegranates, which are the most trustworthy fruit.
...That I challenged the mighty titan and his troubadours
...That you're pregnant
...That you scumbag, You maggot, you cheap, lousy faggot, merry Christmas your arse, I pray God it's your last.
It is illegal to name your baby Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116 in Sweden?
You are not allowed to name your baby 007 in Malaysia?
That you don't know that I don't know what you don't know what I did know that I was going to write for 'Did You Know'?
That hitlers favourite school subject was R.E?
That there is a type of pokey that isn't hokey?
That its a kind of magic
Your parents know you're gay?
My Chemical Romance is not your chemical romance?
That when a grizzly bear becomes excited sexually it is known as a jizzly bear?
That mankind invented the letter 'R' in 1997?
That my penis is a great source of entertainment?
know, know-know, know-know, know-know, know-know, know-know, there's no limit?
That the Victoria Sponge Cake is named after Queen Victoria? Lovers of the cake describe it as soft and spongey, so that might be a clue as to its origins.
That in an experiment known as Monty Hall problem, if you never make up your mind about which door to choose, the goat behind the door will grow tired and burst out?
That someone reading uncyclopedia has an erection right now, even though we have no pornographic content?
That vaccinations and computer games combined make a deadly cocktail for autism?
That Mercury is not a miracle substance and does not cure aids?
That you have schizophrenia and we're talking about you right now? You are in danger my friend.
That God was not careful what he wished for and he had to create everything to compensate?
That a common way of training comedians is to put them in mental homes?
That there is such thing as Gaycyclopedia but it's hard to find because it's in denial?
That Adele attempted to set fire to the rain, just to prove that Manbearpig is real?
That on average humans have less than 2 legs?
That if you poke a whale in the tummy it will giggle like a schoolgirl?
That neither cows nor foxes can run for governor in Wisconsin?
...That Chuck Norris is stood right behind you?
That Wonder Woman´s vagina is lined with a substance similar to Kevlar?
That 50 Shades Of Grey is read by sex pests and horny people?
That it is over 9000?
That all you motherfuckers gon' pay?
...0101010001101000011000010111010000100000011110010110111101110101001000000110000101100011011101000111010101100001011011000110110001111001001000000111010001101111011011110110101100100000011101000110100001100101001000000111010001101001011011010110010100100000011101000110111100100000011001000110010101100011011011110110010001100101001000000111010001101000011010010111001100111111
...That committing homicide gives you 100 points for each kill and if you earned enough you will win a prize?
...That masturbating five to seven times a week can relief anger, hatred and stress?
...The Kaunas Economical region supports a United Ireland ? (They do, so shut it)
...that MTV insists you do not swim with Pirranhas, blimp a teenager, be a fashion disaster, write a teen drama, flash your wealth, sing a karaoke or anything you were going to do? They would have to suck up to you, and give a Princely treatment of your anti social behaviour.
...that Istanbul was Constantinople, but now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople?
...that this is Thriller?
...that some people can't see why kids love the taste of Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
...that this isn't Wikipedia?
...that Michael Jackson should have had more apples to keep his doctor away?
...that I am Luke's father? Signed Darth Vader.
...that I am your father?
...that when you eat a doughnut, it can't create as much semen as before?
...that 12 DYKs have the word SPARTA! 45 DYKs have the word "your mom"and 31 DYKs mention sex. also 1 DYK has false information about what DYKs have the word SPARTA! or "your mom" or the word "sex"?
...that a goatstache is a mustache and a goatee combined?
...that that fashion is not?
...that Biting the hand that feeds the bush is worth two birds anyday of the week?
...that I'm stuck in the basketball hoop right now?
...that 80% of My Little Pony viewers are actually adult men (Even the Pirate Party of Germany) ?
...that I ate my neighbor's dog last night?
...that lava can hurt you?
...that Spiderman watches My Little Pony?
...that statistically 9 out of 10 people enjoy gangrape?
...that the worst thing about raping children is getting blood on my clown suit?
...that sport relief is this year aiming to relief all footballers of their money?
...that yesterday, all you knew and loved ceased to exist?
...that the bird is equal to or greater than the word?
...Stan Lee originally conceived the X-men as a group of post-op transgenders?
...that when a page is intentionally left blank, that was a last minute copy edit?
...that applause was invented to mock the deaf?
...that Canada got its independence in '89.....1989.
...that I could of had a V8??
...that knowing stuff worthless unless you use it?
...that you have Alzheimer's? And that denial is not the cure for Alzheimer's? And that you have Alzheimer's?
...that the Apple Irock was banned in Iraq for controversy
...that even though medieval people knew the Earth was round, nobody really cared?
...that killing thousands of people isn't war its a statistic.
...that Apple Irock will be released this fall along with the Apple Iran.
...that the people who write these 'did you know' tid-bits are boring and unimaginative, and have nothing funny to say?...no really...DON'T WRITE ANYTHING UNLESS ITS FUNNY....AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH..
...that at some point, someone somewhere will write an article that under the new SOPA laws will piss off so many people that the internet will have a prolapse?
...that people who are and will not be are as good as dead in my eyes?
...that Osama bin Laden is actually alive and well and hiding in your closet?
...that "THIS IS SPARTA"?
...that Pnakotus is a library of Alien erotic novels?
...that admins are cruel, heartless sons of bitches who take pleasure in stepping on the little g-- <username> was banned by Mhaille. Reason: "I'm coming after your family now."
...that Betty Boop is named after boobs and not poop?
...that you, yes you, are breathing?
...that Betty White is Obama's biological mother?
...that getting raped by a Sasquatch is better than listening to Justin Bieber?
...that the last time a big naked dude said he could help me, it didn't end well?
...that the number 33 didn't exist until 1973?
...that a mexican's favourite german food is beaner-schnitzel?
...that once you go black, you never go back?
...that i can sneeze in seven languages, and fart in four?
...that "feliz navidad" is the official song of INDIA?
...That Confucius made the most famous quote " Crowded elevator smell different to midget ".
...That the square root of 69 is 8 something?
...if you are reading my post you just wasted your time I swear to God there is nothing special in it go!! DONT READ IT
...that Osama bin Laden was responsible for JFK's assassination?
...that I know something you don't?
...that Stephanie Myers wrote Twilight based on a wet dream?
...That there this page is 69 kilobytes long.
...That when Transformers the movie was sold in China.The Character Bumblebee had to get a name change from Bumblebee to Bumble-lee.Due to the film lacking a asian character.
...That Billie Jean was not Michael Jackson's lover?
...That your story is cool, bro
...That "Fisher Price" is now studied in most high schools (especially the musical ones)?
...That you are breaking the laws of every country on Earth (and beyond) by reading this fact
...That you can buy drugs from Canada?
...That those actually were the droids you were looking for?
...That the qmwnsdjhfufv is not an animal.
...That it takes a man exactly 22 days to travel through the Atlantic on a turtle?
...That this is your Last Chance at Redemption.Do you sir take responsibilities for your actions.You failed assasination attempt on one of the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse was a major fail.Not just for this agency,but for the entire Human race.You have one last shot at this.Now do you sir want to save the entire world from the upcoming Nuclear Holocaust?......thats a true patriot I knew you would come to sense.
...That this is the only world with life this world,this lonely world.
...That its the End of the World the entire world,the entire world you don't say?
...That this is not Sparta?
...That the universe is over 10 times the size of the North American continent?
...That if you search "King of the Beavers" on Wikipedia, it redirects to Simon Cowell?
...That I could care less if you did my mom, because my mom has STDs?
...that terrorists are immune to fear?
...That the Admins have one ring to rule you all?
...that the spy is a spy
...that I did your mom
...that I bet on the Harlem globetrotters and lost
...that your team lost and I bet against them and made millions
...that "Ileana" Ross Lehtinen was birthed from ocean foam?
...that "giraffe" is the only word in the English language that does not have a corresponding opposite?
...that prune juice is the world's brownest juice?
...In Baltimore, Maryland, it is a violation of statute to dress up as a clown and to make fun balloon animals to give to children and molest them with.
...The moon is not made of cheese, but magnesium of milk powder, which explains why everyone that ever goes there feels sick when they come back?
...That J.K Rowlings 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets' was based on Adolf Hitler's bestseller 'Mein Kampf'?
...That you can crie over spilled milk,if its the last glass of milk on earth?
...That there was a 100% off everything in London shops at night all this week...*damn criminals*
...that everyone is doing Your Mom?
...That decapitation has a 100% mortality rate and a 100% hilarity rate when chickens are afflicted with decapitation?
...Some of the information here is not true, including this?
...Everything is 60% bacon?
...Judgement day is inevitable?
...That Hitler killed himself out of fear of humiliation and torture not because he saw the gas bill?
...That Jesus loves you?
...I just had sex?
...There was much more public outcry about Michael Vick than Caylee Anthony?
...if the sun was taxed for global warming America could pay off 40% of foreign debt?
...that I am Batman?
...that 99.9% percent of China's population is Chinese.the more you know'?
...that Halo 2 got an award for being the first game in history to allow to be Master Chief when actually your the Arbiter?
...that if you squint,wear a collared shit and a tie,and work at Microsoft or Blizzard your a asshole?
...that touching yourself is illegal in every country except China because there thing is super tiny?
... that 65% percent of poeple have a disease and know about?
...That the sun will get depressed and eat alot food and become a fat bum in 5 billion years from now?
... that eating legos is good for your health?
... in soviet russia present open you?
... if you do not copy and paste this and spam the shit out of this site you will die?
... who I am!!?!
... that this page is 63 kilobytes long?
... wonK uoY diD?
...that I have red dots on the tip of my penis?
...that you forgot to do the washing-up and you will be punished?
...that Bruce Wayne is not Batman?
...that roughly 99% of peopleonly remember memorable quotes from the Did You Know Section?
...when you go poo-poo in potty you are a good boy/girl, <insert name here>?
...That Angela Gassow is infact a Woman?
...that the bird is the word?
...about the bird?
...that I watch you masturbate, <insert name here>?
...That I watch your Mum and Dad have intercourse every night, <insert name here>?
... That I don't know if to put DYK submisssion's at the top or bottom of the page?
... That your very smart for reading this and the below thkngu ahsdhta aane emjaculationdsa dshhnjiajnhsd bsa nhgndsavjandsajhsgdajhgsjhgdsa
... Penis?
...that i had my first ejaculation yesterday?
...that i had sex with your mom last night?
...that a camels boobies are on its back?
...that monkeys masturbate more than the average human?
...that your dick smells like a monkey's unwiped asshole?
...that that that is the thattest that?
...that Bill Cosby and Bing Crosby are the same person?
...that Casey Anthony's second victim is due in six months unless she decides to save time by aborting?
...that my dick is twice as long as yours?
...that most people aren't afraid of terrorists?
...that if you did know, I would be keeping silent?
...that you fucked up?
...how George Bush persuaded the people of America to vote for him? no one does...
...that no one actually gives a sh*t?
...that it is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open, unless you're asleep in which case it is impossible to sneeze with your eyes closed?
...that comparing religion to magic is always funny?
...that the sky is blue because you're constantly on a coke high?
...That we have no idea?
... that Asians sleep with their eyes open?
... that sex in the ear canal is called CANAL (pronounced like anal but with a C in the beginning)?
... that 98% of americans have no idea what they would do in a hypothetical situation?
... that sarcasm is totally the highest form of wit?
... that Wikipedia and the Grues may kill you in 10...9...8...7...6... wait, what was that again?
... that this is the battlefield where Wikipedia and Uncyclopedia are fighting and if you don't leave soon, you may die while they are battling?
... that terminal diseases are funny? Seriously, I don't give a fuck if you or someone you love is dying of cancer, I'M GONNA LAUGH.
... that in Soviet Russia, you give birth to your mom
... that you know that you know that I know that they know what we know about what we all know about knowing what everyone wants to know.
... that Justin Bieber is thought to be 17 years old but it's not..to know his*her*his*ITS age, write 17 backwards.
... that to heal someone with a Bieber-fever, you must Bieberblast or Bieberheal him/her.
... that China still keeps the law "don't make babies every weekdays" until now even though their population is still currently rising.
... that I'm behind you right now?
... that every time you defecate you inevitably get sodomized by your own excrement?
... that Alice in Chains is, in fact, depressing?
... that life is really just a really good movie?
... that ignorance is bliss? That's why rednecks don't fear cancer.
... that Charlie Sheen is the main ingredient in Heinz "Tiger Sauce"?
... that I have an erection?
... this DYK didn't start with "that"?
... that that wasn't chicken?
... that dividing by infinity yields undefined?
... that P^P?
... that Quantum Dots are a potential replacement technology for Cave Paintings?
... that an anagram of sexy biznatch is BITCH ZANY SEX?
... that nobody cares?
... that your mum liked it too?
... that the Did You Know section is no longer funny?
... that everyone around you is smarter than you?
... that <insert name here> sucked his own dick?
... that Your Mom is standing behind you right now?
... that Your Dad is standing behind your mom right now?
... that DYK submissions are funnier than most TV shows?
... that there is not going to be a party tonight?
... that repetition isn't funny?
... that there is such a thing as a Gruffalo?
... that Morgan Freeman's ancestors were not free men?
... that repetition isn't funny?
... that Bin Laden is living in a cave south of Iraq in relative comfort?
... that I cry myself to sleep at night?
... that repetition isn't funny?
... that I am indeed a 13 year-old boy who thinks Johannesburg is on the menu at McDonald's?
... that the lord child Jesus Christ was born on Christmas Day and that Rasputin was the lover of the Russian Queen!
... McDonald's was a Program initiated by the American Government to make the Children of the World - Dumb, Dependent on their Mummy's and Obese; so that the Free Mason's could Rule the World!
... that Skywalker or Starkiller are actually a psychological disease names?
... that Borat is actually from South-Northern Kazakhstan?
...that if you add -istan into any country name, it will become a Middle Eastern country?
...that in Soviet Russia, crapper flushes YOU?
...that terrorist send each other baked heads of US soldiers in Terrorist Thanksgiving day?
...that terrorists decorate their home thresholds with the heads of US soldiers in Terrorist Halloween?
... that 5/3 people cannot do fractions?
... that repetition still isn't funny?
... that 43% of statistics are made up on the spot?
... that if you add a E to the acronym for did you know (DYK), it would spell DYKE?
... that you sunk my battleship?
... that whitey wants your brainz
... that satan is jewish?
... that Rosa parks was the first black american bus driver?
... that viagra is good for you?
... that suppositories are related to your family?
... that I would have been your daddy?
... that ITS OVER 9000!!!
... that you don't give a crap if you're constipated?
... that House cured Chuck Norris's body hair problem in season 2.
... that the Pope's nickname amongst his pals is "Eggs Benedict" on account of his yellow flag.
... that Conor Lenihan is president of the Sarah Palin Appreciation Society in Ireland
... that some people get paid vast sums to just pretend to be someone else
... that Constipated Anonymous have taken over Uncyclopedia
... that Uncyclopedia is stuffier yet less funny than my couch
... that Uncyclopedia is a secret ring of Uncyclopedophiles
... that your next book will also be your first
... that Inspector Morse is drinking ale,solving crosswords, and shagging mumsy women in Valhalla.
... that Bertrand Russell is still faithlessly following his principles in the next life ?
... that Peter North aims to please?
... that preparing a piece of cake is in fact not a piece of cake?
... that Palinisms are funnier than Spoonerisms and Malapropisms ?
... that Sarah Palin raised a veteran in her vegetable patch.
... that when Sarah Palin is President she will work at the Jehoval office at the Smite house?
... that your Mother has a secret.
... that Tommy Nooka likes your type of blood.
... that I hear Good Charlotte on the radio, and that's the way I like it?
... that 90% of Americans hate everyone.
... that I am a British actor.
... that America wants YOU! to get off your lazy ass and do something with your life?
... that George Bush pees in volcanoes for fun.
... that it is against God and other bigged-up people if you SUBMIT COPYRIGHTED WORK WITHOUT PERMISSION!
... that Glenn Beck is not an American musician, singer-songwriter, and multi-instrumentalist known by the stage name Beck, but the astronaut scion of the brewing dynasty.
... that Glenn Beck and the Roth brothers formed Van Palin ?
... that Glenn Beck gets erections watching card tricks.
... that Glenn, Beck, and Call is a law firm hired by Gary Glitter
... that Tracy Chapman is Joan Armatrading's secret love child by parthogenesis ?
... that cow that reported us all at all at all ?
... that if you take a deep breath 2. think of someone u like 3. press F10 5 times 5. look at your screen a sausage will appear ?I forgot 4-no sausage-sorry
... that if I show anyone else my cock, I'll go to prison?
... that old devil called love again called again while you were out.
... that Asians squint because of generations of opium usage. The sun is too bright.
... that if you call a Korean a Chinese person, he will beat you up... so be careful
if ax 2 + bx + c = 0 then x = ( -b (b 2 - 4ac) ) / 2a ?
... that 63% of these fun facts have no question mark at the end necessitating a beating by the grammar police ?
oh something about Mosques and pastrami ?
... that in Ultraviolet light Ireland is bigger than Madagascar
Sarah Palin has a square root of IQ
if a soup or stew is not salty enough you can pee in it.
what Ahmadinejad really said was "I want to wipe that frown off your lovely face"
... that 98% of Uncyclopedians are Jewish and the other 2% is their foreskins which are Jewish too i suppose
the guy who ate the plane cannot flap his arms anymore
computers laugh at us pawing away at them because it tickles
... that Angela Beesley Starling is a vampire
the italian lottery is 126 million tax free euro this week but you only have one chance in 600 million you mindless gom
... that guy who killed himself used to be on here a lot
... that Angela Beesley Starling used to be a man but did not appear in any of the Harry Potter movies
... that thing we talked about never panned out in the end
... that America has 8 conjoined Twins, 50 executions ever year, 3,245 Death Row prisoners,1,421,668 soldiers, 2,456,345 prison dwellers 310,080,000 residents but ONLY ONE Sarah Palin ?
... this website is amazing :P
... that the second is evident?
... that it is impossible to keep your mouth open and bob your head at the same time?
... that Osama Bin Laden is Kim Kardashians grand uncle?
... that Dumbledore is NOT gay,as that stupid Rowling would otherwisw force us to believe,but actually BISEXUAL.Who can forget the opening flirt scene of Albus with that other bitch....sorry!...witch in the first Harry Potter movie?
... that Eating Is actually Cheating!the sluts get more energy intake than the faithful ones on consuming the extra love juice!c'mon everyone must have the same amount of nutrition.It's not fair!!!
... that Bruce Lee could juggle with his penis?
... If you have 10% Luck, 20% Skill, 15% Concentrated power of will, 5% Pleasure and 50% Pain. You also have 100% reason to Remember The Name?
... that door-hinge rhymes with Orange?
...and also that this insanely long DYK is part of his diabolical plan to massacre all cupcakes?
... that after the killing gun, the vodka gun is a Russians favourite gun?
... that Jesus never really walked on water, it was ice
...It's hard to say what my wife does for a living? She SHells sea sells...se sells shea shells...
... that I like you? :-)
... that no word in the English language rhymes with the word flucumber?
... that you are going to die?
... that your wife is cheating on you? ...with a black guy.
... that Scooby Doo can poo-poo but Jimmy Carter is smarter?
... that people from Singapore actually prove to be great vocalists?
... that We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence,[1] promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America?
... that all black people must leave the store immediately?
... that you just lost the game?
... that mein kampfy chair is so very kampfy?
... that the song "he has the whole world in his hands" is merely a metaphore. God does not have any hands!
... that a disproportionate number of survivors from the Titanic had big tits, that helped them
... that the biggest number in the world is 76!
...that we should really start to organize this and archive the below submissions?
... that no matter how bad the economy get's we won't bomb Iraq and the hobo's won't go away.
... that christmas is actually a holiday for disabled people from doing fuck all, it used to be called Cripplemas.
... that apple pi is slightly better that apple root 5.
... that all sign makers can spell accommodation but some hotels are to cheap to pay for the spell checking service.
... that all your bombs are belong to us lololololololol
... that I can not spell Massachusetts. Oh wait...
... that the meaning of life is to bomb Iraq.
... that I'm God's Right Hand Man?
... that I'm the Law?
... that you gotta do what you gotta do?
... that I'm watching you?
... that Jack and Jill in-fact did not go up the hill to fetch a pail of water?
... that now the page is 53 kilobytes long?
... that its in-fact not a piece of cake?
... that the cake is a lie.
... that children in Texas should leave home at the age age of six. Who knows what the parents will do to them?
... that vampires are invisible to mirrors because their reflections are pussies and hide?
... that Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 is the second best selling game of all time after Commnader Rat.
... that if you smoke enough weed, you get an erection? I'm workin' it right now.
... that sluts scream less?
... that I am your father?
... that the wu-tang clan ain't nothing to fuck with?
... that Jesus is the other white meat?
... that the Did You Know under this one is actually true, so skip it.
... that the Phillipines has the highest murder rate of any country in the world?
...you didn't skip it so now I will kill you tonight.
... that if a drummer is too tired for an encore the drummer is too tired for the after party.
... that first there was nothing then there were fat people. WORSHIP US FOR WE ARE THE MASTERS OF MCDONALDS!!!!
... that if I had a dollar for every time someone died, I could afford your funeral.
...captain obvious says things you obviously know.
... that most Jews are rich? Ya, the rest are dead.
... that you should be getting ready for christmas early. Therefore put your turkey in the oven?
... that death is bad for the health?
... that if you press CTRL+ALT+A on google heart you have just founded a new game for next summer?
... that if my grass were an emo, i wouldn't need the lawnmower?
... that you can't see the Three Tenors for $30.
... that Jesus did know?
... that the cube root of Woody Woodpecker is Penis Penispenis.
... that the bird is the word?
... that cows go moo?
... that you just lost The Game?
... Inkabink is French for "dirty vagina"
... that Redrum is murder spelled backwards?
... that if Ella Fitzgerald married Alan Funt, they'd have mulato children.
... that if you rearrange the letters in Voldemort you get "to blave', which everyone knows means "to bluff", which means he's only mostly dead.
... that my wang is itchy?
... that tonight while you sleep, a cotton seed pod from outer space will be placed next to your bed, and grow into a sockpuppet that will replace you.
... that everything hurts when you poke it with a broken finger?
... that the Philippines is the true home of American and Indian foreigners?
... that the word "that" is not a common word?
... that media forms can underwrite cultural mobilization and resistance by articulating the voices of the marginalized, enabling them to formulate their own identities in opposition to hegemonic discourses that position them at the margins?
... that Texas Has a List of People who Legally are Mentally Retarded In the United States so they can prevent them from crossing their boarder.
...Christians think dancing is a sin? Personally I'd rather get up close to a woman's body on the dancefloor then listen to some boring old fart babble on about some boring-shit written 2000 years ago
...Jason Knight loves gay sex?
...Somerville House is nicer then Stuartholmes?
... that my milkshake brings all the boys to my yard and damn right, it's better tha yours?
... that according to Scouting For Girls, Elvis isn't dead, Evlis is a dad and that Elvis is in debt?
... that when a tree falls and nobody is around chuck norris hears it.
... that there is a murderer behind you?
... that for 23 days The Incredible Hulk was believed to have been murdered?
... that the internet is not a truck?
... that all the lines in this column are funny and not just stupid?
- ...and this DYK is bound to go to the main page?
... that you did not know this?
... that Unciclopydia is misspeled over 75% of the time?
... that most of these have already beem said before
... that Waldo and Carmen Sandiego are the same person?
... that famous Rapper Boba Fett is currently wanted for the death of Michael Jackson and not Hulk, Thor, and the Fantastic Four.
... that ya mom enetered a ugly contes but was disqualified because the rules said "no profecionals"
... that DYK hasn't been funny ever scince it's creation. i never knew that. i thought it was the hight of wit
... that Tchaikovsky wasn't gay >.> <.<
... that Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything aroun him?
... that if you notice this notice then you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
... that "Yo mamma" jokes are so old they make Yo Mumma look young!!!
... that no one actually understands R2-D2?
... that robe isnt famous for robes?
- ...and the bannister isn't famous for bannisters?
  - ...but Bega is famous for Bega?
- ...tabletop isn't famous for tabletops
- ...tamborine isn't famouns for tamborine
... that most of these have already beem said before
... that you spin me right round?
... that a question mark looks like this?
... that I have an alien probe made on Pluto for use on Uranus?
... that you weren't planned?
... that A moving droideka is a vunerable droideka?
... that nedaL niB amasO is a subliminal message?
... that my roommate is dating Miss Parallel Universe and Im jealous?
... that we sometimes recycle these?
... that Michael Jackson and Elvis Presley aren't really dead?
- ... that they're just hiding?
... that Uncyclopedia is an example of the infinite monkey theorem?
... that masterbation will make your vision better?
... that Tom Cruise was the original inventor of the cruise-missile?
... that the tumor of death was sold to Tom Hanks for 13 seagulls?
... that every condolence spared to someone with AIDS means eight extra years in purgatory?
... that Uncyclopedia is not factual?
... that Microsoft fails?
... that Tom Cruise can fly when no one looks?
... that I keep finding squares in my diamond Shreddies.
...tahtt wrting typoes can reslut in suddden instnat death+
... that everything dissolves in sin.
... that everything sounds more intimidating when you put "or else..." at the end.
... that you can press Z or R twice to do a Barrel Roll?
... that you are adopted and nobody loves you?
... that you can press X for Jason?
... that Wikipedia is watching you?
... that these aren't very accurate?
... that the bird is officially no longer the word in the state of Massachusetts?
... that you're a gay fish?
... that life isn't like a box of chocolates, it's more like a jar of jalapeños?
...what you do todays might burn your ass tomorrow?
... that cheese is better with hot chocolate fudge?
... that if you can read this you may not be blind?
... that the Day Of The Jackal is not a national holiday?...not even for the jackals!!
... that Life evolved on earth when God puked after a roller coaster ride in Disneyland.
... that by reading this you agree to the terms and conditions on page 6,423 of file 96 sector 108 and will now burn in hell for all of eternity?
... that you just caused World Wars III and IV?
... that the 7 billion mice working at Google are all allergic to styrofoam?
... that that is that?
- ...and that that is all that is to say on that?
... that this page is 55 kilobytes long?
... that it is physically possible to walk through a wall?
... that dark matter is passing through us constantly?
... that the efficiency of a speeding lawn mower in 5.72 knot winds at exactly 3.739 inch grass with moderate puffin combustion is 14√¯x+|15|=|71|?
... that popcorn makes great Yeti repellant?
... that <insert name here> pooed his pants? and Hipponias broke up with him because of that?
... that I knew that as well?
... that Pokemon is nearing it's end because i caught them all?
... that swine flu is coming for you?
... that women suck?
... that I rode your mum?
... that thisisacompletewasteoftimeandyoushouldnotbereadingthis?
... that Britney Spears is Brit spy.
... that Paris Hilton is Italian Spy.
... that if you own a Ford car and you are perfect at driving, you can be part of Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy as Ford Prefect.
... that Sidney Sheldon was abducted by aliens and all novels are real alien saga.
... that even so called small dick Asians have more population than so called Big dick Americans and super Big dick Africans.
... that ChAoStExT iS aCtUaLlY iS tHe FaStEsT wAy To BoTh TyPe AnD rEaD?
... that Navy Seals have health bars?
... that this sentence does not start with the standards Three-Dot-ellipsis?
... that ass is darker on the other side.
... that "Google" is fastest search engine which employees best mice in the world.
... that "Megahard Doors" will be launched in year 2050 as replacement for "Microsoft Windows".
... that the word "That" is written 546089 times on this page by now.
... that you have failed me for the last time?
... that teachers are aliens?
... that this sentence is free from both spelling and grammar errors?
... that neither Fayette Pinkney, Linda Turner nor Shirley Porter completed their university course?
... that your idea was dumber than snake-mittens?
... that furbies are the long-lost cousins twice removed from humans?
... that KFC diarrhoea actually burns because thats the way the Colonel wanted it to be.
... that if teenage mutant ninja turtles existed, the world would change?
... that cryptic comments are like a half-withered hydrangea dipping its petals luxuriously in a tub of Gatorade?
... that my teeth are made of light?
... that the world record for biting a baby alligator's tail and flinging is five feet and 21 milliliters of baby alligator tears?
... that we are the champions, my friend? And furthermore, that we will keep on fighting til the end?
... that life as we know it is wrong?
... that all hummingbirds are allergic to magma?
... that Nelson Mandela has fourteen identical twins, none of whom matter?
... that America's first president was not technically George Washington as is popularly believed, but instead the forgotten Mexican rebel Arturo the Eight-toothed Jackal?
... that Atlantis is merely the lavatory complex of the underwater arm of the CIA?
... that 42 is the Answer?
... that the number 23 is everwhere!?
... that Qwerty keyboards are named after early '40s inventor Renatus J. Qwert?
... that all your base are belong to us?
... that whenever you play a flight simulator you're controlling an actual plane halfway around the world?
... that steam issuing from your dog's footprints is a sure sign of alien possession?
... that every given nickleplex yields three point seven roggles?
... that Daraa-Jindalee Apostolic Church is a boring shit hole
... that you cannot find hay in a needle?
... that you do not know?
... that I know that you don't know that he knows that you and I don't know that they don't know that she knows that I don't know that we don't know that they know that I don't want to know that you know that they and we know that she knows?
... that USB is a revised version of USA?
... that the only universally recognized gesture is jazz hands?
... that hippos make for delightful pets if you lobotomize them?
... that you can tell the future by the number of hairs on your body that point north?
... that Nutella makes the world go round?
... that scientists are searching for a way to transpose the Amazon onto Australia, with middling success?
... that some more gruel would really hit the spot?
... that giant squid wrangling pays well as long as you don't mind the smell and your lungs are made of diamond?
... that Lava Gardens, Inc. may not be the wisest investment?
... that there is exactly one Rastafarian yeti?
... that "skiji" is not a word in any language?
... that jacks have never entertained anyone?
... that Laos is a lie?
... that this is a Did You Know fact?
... that many Cthulhu are cuddly if you get to know them?
... that a robot can weep. A robot can weep.
... that whenever you sit down a grandmother expires?
... that before Pangaea the earth's landmass was composed of 12,000 tiny continents, each one independently named "Jyroxos" by the microbe kings?
... that Amelia Earhart is currently on exhibition in an underground museum staffed by elderly zombies?
... that the Hindenburg was actually filled not with helium, but with lighter fluid?
... that Excalibur was actually first drawn from the stone by a particularly stupid Lars gibbon?
... that evolution nearly granted antelopes the ability to spit lightning?
... that moose are currently invading Yugoslavia?
... that I live in your eyes?
... that somebody set us up the bomb?
... that I can see you picking your nose?
... that Twilight Sucks?
... that when nearly all of earths humans are extinct, China will save us?
... that no matter what you say, PS3 is better that Xbox 360?
... that I did not want to know the above fact?
... that reading this wastes 3 seconds of your life?
... that i am coming for you?
... that Michael Jackson is Muslim?
... that women don't have penises? (except your mum)
... that this is a sentence?
... that that means this?
... that only Enrique Iglesias knows what it feels like to be the last one to know the lock on the doors has changed?
... that you should get off this website and get a life?
... that in during World War 2 five thousand combat deaths were attributed to sword wounds?
... that in my day you got whipped to within an inch of your life for such behaviour?
... that Uncyclopedia will close down if you dont put any GOOD did you knows?
... that if the whole population of China was standing in a line and you walk along it, you would never reach the end?
... that all contributions to Uncyclopedia are considered to be released under the Creative Commons SA License?
... that objects in the mirror are closer than they appear?
... that Rome was, in fact, built in a day, if you are talking about a day on Venus, which is nearly 165 years long?
... that it takes a male rabbit on average six "thrusts" to produce 17,544 offspring!
... that today was my hundredth failed suicide attempt.
... that six years ago TO THE DAY the date was EXACTLY the same as today, except it was 1969?
... that the Song That Never Ends never ends?
... that there won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time?
... that by the time you have read this nearly three seconds have passed?
... that you are the favored host to a certain debilitating brain eating virus?
- ... that they have eaten your brain?
  - ... that the person next to you is the favored host to a certain debilitating brain eating virus?
... that hell is post mordem depression?
... that telling someone you are bleeding from the mouth only makes it worse?
... that I came back from the dead to do something of very little importance?
... that Mr. Nice Guy is a misnomer and oxymoron because he is actually a prick and all men are made out of crap, respectively?
... that I wasn't really wearing a condom and I'm sorry?
... that, for sure, people just broke up right now?
- ...and, for sure, exactly half of them are upset about it?
... that pigs will be jewish when pigs fly...into a temple?
... that you probably shouldn't try this at home?
... that Grue's eat everything?
... that i'm not righting the write way, am i?
... that DYK stands for Did You Know?
- ...or Date Your Knob?
  - ...or Don't You Know?
... that you already knew this?
... that this can't possibly make it to the main page?
... that I hate you, mom?
- ... that I hate you more, and that I'm not really your mom?
... that abcdefghijklmnopqrstuvwxy and z?
- ...and next time won't you sing with me?
... that you are reading this backwards yesterday?
... that you have a very low risk of developing Zombosis, unless you are in fact reading this at this very moment?
... that due to a collaboration between biologists and computer hackers, you will soon be able to catch swine flu through the Internet?
... that Captain Obvious enjoys talking about obvious things like being obvious about obviousness about Captain Obvious? (Obviously)
... that when your mother kissed you goodnight, you had no previous information on where that mouth has been.
... that cheese contains animal stomach lining and pure fat. It's a good thing to think about when you've had "one to many" at your grandmother's funeral.
... that no one likes you?
... that mammary glands are lots of fun.
... that you don't have to be K.D.
... that apparently 1+1=fun on a bun (scientists are still trying to disprove that theory)?
... that Popeye's forearm muscles are actually malignant tumors?
... that this is the Main Page?
... that if you were me, then I'd be You, and therefore I'd be gay?
... that contrary to popular belief, there is actually another universe behind mirrors where everyone looks like you?
... that I suffer from anteriograde memory loss?
... that Chris Crocker is gay!
... that I suffer from anteriograde memory loss?
... that you shouldn't ask questions you want to know the answer to?
... that God blessed Atheism?
... that Rick Astley will, under no circumstances, give you up?
... that Republicans believe reading is a sin?
... that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know that I didn't know that?
... that questions are for the weak?
... that during the height of his career, MC Hammer was clinically proven to be both dope on the floor and magic on the mic simultaneously?
... that one sign for being gullible is that you have hair on you knuckles?
... that I'm sure that by this time, I'm sure you would have looked at your knuckles for hair, you can't have hair on you knuckles you gullible fool.
... that old ladies take 10 sec showers because they don't remember how long they have been in there.
... that there are invisible people everywhere? Really! Look behind you!
... that the most philosophical question of all time is: Does one drink or eat soup?
... that flutes make really good blow darts?
... that all toasters toast toast? or do they toast bread?
... that Stalin enjoyed Half Life 2 so much he decided to model the whole of Moscow on City 17?
- ... that that is what he said?
... that eating a banana a day doubles your chances of blindness in later life?
... that processed foods were first eaten by Neanderthals?
... that this page is viewed millions of times a day. By Wikipedia.
... that this is a fact?
... that in Soviet Russia, fact tells YOU!
... that you should pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?
... that the Flying Spaghetti Monster is watching YOU?
... that I farted and it smelled like mint?
... that swearing is banned here. **** it
... that Ke$ha woke up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy?
... that you put the lime in the coconut
- ....and that you mixed it all up?
... that the overusage of 'that' is a sign of higher-order thinking?
... that the word 'like' is the most commonly used word by Australians between the ages of 12-16?
... that humans are actually (believe it or not) 98.2% chimpanzee. Don't know what the other 1.8% is, though.
... that telling racist jokes makes you unpopular, unless you are a politician.
... that you have less than 500 years to live?
... that DYK also stands for 'Donkey Kong'? Where's that Empire State Building, for his gynasium exercises?
... that if you say Dumbledore really slow it sounds like Gullible? No? say it slower, or maybe its faster?
... that the best part of beer is the empty glass.
... that if your IQ is below 80, you have 'special abilities' such as tripping over your own legs and making weird noises?
... that eating bricks of cocaine helps you see in the dark?
... that the translation of "gullible" in Swahili is <insert name here>!!!
... that Disney currently has Sequel Fever...whoever knew there could be a Cinderella 4, a Bambi 3 and a Pinocchio 7: The Final Days?
... that 99% of did you know statistics are made up?
... that we serve both Coke AND Pepsi products here?
... that you can be a virgin but still suck?
... that if you die, you fail the reality tv show 'Life' and don't win the washer/dryer combo?
... that the yakuza roll was invented by sushi chef Hiro Masyai following a digit surplus resulting from the Great Patriotic Little Finger War?
... that we aren't here, we are just more likely to be here than to not be here?
... that Long John Silver and Captain D had an arranged gay marriage at Red Lobster?
... that your life would never amount to anything, or did that just sort of happen?
... that today is Judgment Day? Show me your boobs and I will judge them.
... that I know it & she knows it & he knows it & it knows it & so do they & you probably know it too?
... that over 60% of kidnappings don't involve either kids or naps?
- ... that the above statement only applies when not talking about Michael Jackson?
... that murder is the leading cause of death in murder victims?
... that Republicans are the densest substance on the planet next to diamonds and peanut butter?
... that Jesus Juice, despite popular belief, does not give you the ability to morph into a Jesus Power Ranger?
... that if Ted Nugent grew a beard, and turned water to Jack Daniels, he would actually be Jesus?
... that giant pelicans cause the deaths of over 67% of all missing persons cases?
... that the exact right penis gives you your daily doses of vitamins H, I, and V?
- ...and that the exact wrong one can give you your daily doses of S, T and D?
... that half of all marriages end in death?
... that all newspapers in non-muggles world are printed on E-Paper?
... that this statement has no information that you didn't already know?
... that the Easter Bunny is actually a pedophile in disguise?
... that life is better in HD?
... that this is all a scam to get free yamulkas?
... that codename "Pink Eye", the elementary school horror, is only second on the contagious list next to this?
... that I actually did this and that with this guy and that guy to that girl?
... that people will easily take their minds off the world crisis thanks to the end of the world?
... that if you can't complete life without a training manual, you're of no use to anyone so kill yourself.
... that here at Uncyclopedia nobody gives a shit?
- ...and if you do give a shit your pants will be soiled, and nothing else?
  - ...and that I need Laxatives to give a shit?
    - ... that many Icelandic tribes give one another shit to commemorate the birth of Sir Steve Redgrace?
... that there is no Santa Claus? Tuff, I know.
... that the synthetic bass heard in the beginning of "I kissed a girl" is actually Tila Tequila's kinky growl at Katy Perry's hot body?
... that giant pelicans attack school buses?
... that it is room temperature?
... that if you're reading this, you're head would asplode from the sheer awesomeness that this statement exudes?
... that the bird is the word?
... that if a fly lose its wings, it will be called 'a walk'?
... that no one will care about global warming until the environmentalists can come up with a better commercial about it?
- ...but that Al Gore will still think he's funny? (Joke's on him)
... that?
... that The Killers are actually dancer, NOT human?
... that in Rock Band 2, there is a secret unlockable mode called "shitty garage band", where you live with your parents, boring them about how "I'll make it one day" and can't get any gigs?
... that you are sitting alone in a dark room, probably doing immoral duties?
... that I'm getting kind of blue and am looking for an interesting way to go. Know of any cheap flights to Las Vegas? That Roaming Gnome guy really creeps me out, so Travelocity is out...
... that your parents aren't proud of you because they wanted you to become the next pope?
... that Lindsey Lohan wanted to keep dating Luke Skywalker, but his work got in the way of their relationship?
... that Shakespeare was just a really, really naughty elf as a child?
... that Americans move occasionally when provoked?
... that ping pong was not invented to be played alone, as demonstrated by the diagram?

(>'.')>=O____l_*__O=<('.'<)

... that bitches most definitely be crazy?
... that we need a new mascot right now?
... that the arc wielder on Jak 3 is more effective on organic enemies than robots?
... that the Dyson vacuum is the first vacuum that manipulates the laws of physics to achieve a new level of convenient cleanliness?
... that anything about sex from school that applied to the real thing?
... that everything in life is a lot less important than people would have you believe?
... that God was t-bagg'd on Halo 3?
... that this line is only here when you look at it?
... that deep in the Himalayas, the disco monks have an stupa covered entirely in little mirrors?
... that in the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man still looks suspiciously like Sandy Duncan.
... that Vladimir Nabokov was the only person who ever knew what the hell Vladimir Nabokov was talking about?
- ...and that its flavours involve Cherry Chelmno and Tropical Treblinka?
... that if you see certain words on the screen, you will instantly turn oedipal?
... that you have a brain tumor?
- ... that <insert name here> is actually gay?
... that the members of AC/DC haven't died from over exposure yet?
- ... that only the bearded lady enjoys clown rape?
... that masturbating with sand paper and icey-hot is considered the most pleasurable form of sexual stimulation for males?
... that when Barack Obama becomes president, one could say that the White House has B. O.?
...That Nobody can beat Chuck Norris, can survive a nuclear war, and will live forever?
... that Sondre came to school on a donkey?
... that help isn't coming?
... that Hebburn is a place on Earth?
... that all dogs go to Hebburn?
... that I DRINK YOUR MILKSHAKE!!!? <slurp!> <slurp!> I DRINK IT UP!! <slurp!> <slurp!>
... that I have absolutely nothing to say?
... that Mosquitoes have 42 teeth?
... that 42 is the only number that equals 42?
... that Wayne Brady has to choke a bitch?
... that if you do not sacrifice your first born to Cthulhu, you will contract at least four of these types of AIDS?
... that if you laugh while telling a joke, people will automatically appreciate it more?
... that you're eating to much dairy?
... that Hitler's last words were 'When the music's over, turn out the lights'? (Meaning, offcourse, that he wanted to come here secretly and delete this pointless entry.)
... that guy? No, too bad, he has your money...
... that Spam isn't made of real meat?
... that hot dogs aren't made of dogs?
... that Harold Shipman was a very credible member of the community and that many of his patients should have attended his funeral out of respect?
... that there are no black munchkins in Munchkin Land?
... that if you start me up I'll never stop?
... that you are currently being brainwashed?
... that Tay zonday died from suffication because he forgot to step away from the mic to breath?
... that the cake is a lie?
- ... that while the cake is a lie it is in fact very delicious?
... that the Bermuda Triangle is actually a square?
... that gullible is actually in the dictionary and that asshole who told you it wasn't has been killed in a car accident?
- ... that "credulous" is not in the dictionary?
... that killing your twin is same as suicide?
... that Modern Warfare 2 has a broken mulitplayer?
... that all you need is love? .... and some oxygen.
... that you are the evil twin?
... that A is a letter?
... that if you insert fingers up both nostrils at the same time you see only in black and white?
- ... that everyone reading this page just stuck both fingers up their nostrils?
... that you only have 4 Minutes to Save the World?
... that candy is dandy, but liqueur is quicker?
... that I find your lack of faith disturbing?
... that 80% of the population prefers to get on the high horse than taking the high road?
... that cannibisalism only leaves you laughing, red-eyed and hungry for more human?
... that you can lead a horse to water, but a pencil is always lead?
... that I know that you know what I knowingly knew before you knew that I knew what you know as well?
... that foo and bar all the most commonly used filenames for nonexistent files?
... that you cannot use a guitar pick for movement on a laptop
... that if you plan on living forever, you're doing pretty damn well right now. congratulations.
... that 89% of people that die don't come back?
... that dead kittens are almost as funny as terminally ill orphans?
... that They Say its all about to end.
... that Boxes the Movie performed so badly in the box-office, the makers couldn't afford to buy the box back for a sequel?
... that Swedish Fish are actually made in Canada?
... that if a quiz is quizzical, then a test must be...
... that you talk to yourself when you pray?
- ...and therefore, by default, you are God?
... that the Muffin Man poisons his muffins?
... that if you turn macaroni inside-out the hole is on the outside and you've made spaghetti?
... that Humpty Dumpty was pushed?
...Giraffes have an anus for a face?
- ... that I totally just made you look?
... that nobody can find the fucking droids you're looking for?
... that scientists have shown dieting is bad for you, and starving is healthier?
... that the Earth is flat?
- ... that the only reason that geographical globes are round is because globemakers get more money for making round globes than flat ones?
... that cancer is contagious?
... that recent studies in medicine attribute the so-called "cotton-eye" of Cotton-Eye Joe to be a cancerous tumor in the frontal lobe?
... that things are not always as they seem. Sometimes a balloon can spell your doom, but a gory head stump can mean good luck?
...the Muffin Man?
... that mimes will someday awaken nigh limitless psychic powers and attempt to take over the world only to accidentally suffocate themselves when none of them can find a way out of their invisible boxes?
... that I just fixed grammer the mistke above? Alng with spelleing?
- ... that you really did know that? But you've just been denying it whenever your friends ask you?
…that 100% of our carbon emissions could be stopped if we all died?
....that we are watching you Steven Stringer, and we're very displeased. Very displeased indeed!?
... that this is the "Did You Know?" section?
... that the bird is a word?
- ... that everybody knows that the bird is the word?
... that signing up for organ donation is quick, painless, and easy?
- ... that if you ever kill yourself, you could save the lives of 10 different people right now?
... that 'Planet of the Apes' was based on a true story?
... that the last condom you used had a hole in it?
... that your last sex partner was a hermaphrodite?
...there is a good chance you will die before your dog
... that there is a man in Belgium called 'The Ant Whisperer'?
... that the shape of a vegetable can decide the date of your next birthday?
... that USA President-Elect Barack Obama is distantly related to Osama bin Laden , Britney Spears and one of the aliens found at Roswell ?
... that sex after death is possible if you believe in the Toothpick Fairy ?
... that the noun 'police' is a contraction of 'Polly's lice' ?
... that the Prophet Mohammed still has an outstanding parking ticket after he left his horse in Jerusalem?
... that 'Torquemada' is the Spanish for 'your car is a heretic' ?
... that the virgin Mary was out shopping the first time the angel Gabriel came knocking ?
... that Led Zeppelin were originally going to be called Barrage Balloon ?
…that you only have shinty-six days left to live?
... that in western Norway, it's cooler to wear a t-shirt with a tractor on it than a black metal t-shirt?
- ... that's not just Norway, guys. Tractors RULE!
... that when I was out they took me back in.
... that before Bill Clinton banged Monica Lewinsky in the 90's as President, in the 80's as Governor of Arkansas he banged a hooker named Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?
... that if you knew your future, you could spit right into the face of karma?
... that universe is a good source of existence?
- ...and that the above statement has such immeasurable obviousness that it would pulverize Captain Obvious to sawdust?
... that cancer may not be contagious, but Your Mom is?
- ... that Aids is contagious because of Your Mom?
... that it isn't funny to? mispla.ce, punct"uation marks"/
... that your sex is on fire?
... that i just lost the game?
... that when you die, you wake up and realise that your whole life was all just a dream?
... that there is no recession...chuck norris is only saving his money
... that smoking graphite doesn't cause lead poisoning?
... that the Scissor Sisters really DON'T feel like dancin', no sir, no dancing today?
... that Terry Wrist and Al Kyder are really good friends?
... that <insert name here> thinks this is the username template?
... that the pyramids were actually built by a bunch of aliens who only did it for a laugh?
- ... that the pyramids were then used to assassinate Tutankhamun? look on the bottom of them and you'll see a Tutankhamun-shaped indentation where they were dropped on him.
... that I herd you liek mudkipz?
... that the Apostle Paul was not straight, as in not a heterosexual? (See his 'coming out' in I Corinthians 7:7-9.)
... that ya mom
... that Edward Cullen died in 1918. That would make him a paedophile, and Bella a necrophiliac.
... that volcanoes are physically impossible.
... that people with longer toes have better eyesight.
... that I'm on yer roof, and I got dem Brain Dawgz, got dem Brain Dawgz, got dem Brain Dawgz!
... that WTF means What the Fuck? I didn't.
... that Azazel stole Satan's identity?
... that 96.4326% of statistics are made up.
... that someone set us up the bomb?
... that the Romans still walk among us...they are the World Roman Legion!!
... that I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok?
... that finsbury park backwards is funny?
... that you can give a hand to Uncyclopedia by sending it through mail? preferably in a leak-proof container.
... that I saw you through your bedroom window last night, those underpants looked awfully tight.
... that you should close the curtains in future.
... that this sentence contradicts itself... actually, no it doesn't.
... that U2 find sunday a bloody day?
... that Peter Smith knows best?
... that by saying this I'm being funny and not just stupid?
... that you are not who you think you are?
... that Hung Su Li will probably die of tongue cancer while waiting for chinese democracy?
... that just like magic you're liver will be very yellow if you drink alcohol 24h a day every day, every year?
... that the meaning of the expression "finding a needle in a hay" isn't correct? It's damn hard, it can't be correct.
... that "that" is that no matter what you say?
... that I forgot what I was going to say?
... that the roof is really on fire?
... that Portugal is a country and the national language is Portuguese and not Spanish?
... that Elvis is dead? I didn't.
... that if you have any doubts, of any kind, YOU can ask me?
... that I now see the light...oh no wait...wait...it's a FREAKIN' TRAIN!!!
... that I should be doing my assignments right now?
... that if you are reading this then you have just read it?
... that your mom could be doing your dad right now?
... that long cat is long?
... that the most thought about thing when people wake up is "why are their more spots up there?"
... that I just realised that my above submission has already been used?
... that Photoshop isn’t a shop?
... that homosexuals are gay?
... that the Disney Channel will make anyone a singer?
... that i just deleted an entire wikipedia article and replaced it with the word poo?
... that the Earth is flat?
... that this is Uncyclopedia?
... that words don't come easy to m ?
... that the state of origin isn't at N 00"00'00', E 00"00'00'?
... that 100% of shark attacks involve a shark?
... that you can have your cake and eat it too?
... that Adolf Hitler wanted to be a fairy?
... that all your base are belong to us?
... that every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal?
... that the bird is the word?
... that Patrick Swayze invented bestiality on the whims of a bet?
... that Michael Jackson is loved by a billion more people than you and he was a homosexual pedophile?
... that Tim Tebow feeds and clothes lepers yet he doesn't know what pussy tastes like?
... that watching Simpsons re-runs gives you cancer?
... that everyone generalizes?
- ... that no-one believes this?
... that www.gppglr.com is an actual web address that redirects to Google?
... that in year 0 all computers crashed because they coudn't handle the change from negative year numbers to positive ones
... that watching Family Guy will make you realize that nothing is funny about the show?
... that Ginny Weasley was actually a boy when born, and was magically castrated and beholed by her Mum out of frustration?
... that <insert name here> is now wanted in 14 countries?
... that it's terminal?
... that i am wanted by all the hot women in those 14 countries?
... that Bjorn of the Iron Fez is in fact, NOT the founder of America?
... that I stole the cookie from the cookie jar.
... that Soylent Green IS PEOPLE! (And Bruce Willis is dead)
... that the 80's never actually existed, they were just a scary drug trip
... that I don't now how you reached me, because i don't have a telephone?
... that if you insert money into a drink vending machine, you get a free refreshment of your choice?
... that this is the golden age of grotesque?
..that when Democrat Peter Pan(U.S. President 1982-1990) was U.S. President in 1989, he held a milk summit with Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev, then played Super Mario Bros. and watched MTV afterwards?
... that black metal ist not krieg, and in fact it's about as krieg as a french painter dressed as Dame Edna playing a flowery harpsicord?
... that somewhere there is a fat guy in a little coat.
... that if the answer to life the universe and everything is 42, then every question in the world =42?
...... if you dont like pokemon you are extra normal.
... that telling your mom jokes to orphans is hazardous to your health?
... that life is the cause of all diseases...and all deaths?
... that you am not as think as you drunk I are?
... that the majority of people alive... are not dead?
... that you don't know?
... that SUPER-VISION isnat nearly as cool as it sounds?
... that hablo español, pero no haces?
... that hablo español, pero no haces?
... that╝ █I▐ τknow◄ ¥how↔ σ toª ·insert" µfancy╫ symbols?
... that §fancy♪ ₧symbols☼ ►don't◄ ▒improve┘ αwriting♪ ªquality┌ ║whatsoever?
...you are going to hell for reading this page?
... that prolonged exposure to X-Ray vision can cause cancer?
... that the greatful dead are not actually greatful? because they are dead?
... that I've got ants in my pants and they make me wanna... statutory rape?
... that a tuna salad sandwich has the power to neutralize hot pepper?
... that TheMaskedPheasant is neither a pheasant nor wears a mask?
... that you punch trees?
... that by the time you finish reading this sentence, you may not exist anymore?
... that my spoon is too big?
... that Elvis Presley has a twin brother named Pelvis?
... that Teachers are trying to create their own country?
... that the Snuggler is out to Snuggle you back to health?
... that Fogell of Fort Jennings Ohio has been baned from COD MOD 2 '12' times.
... that Mental Asylums are like Prisons without the feared sexual abuse from dropping soap?
... that after Monday and Tuesday even the rest of the week says W.T.F.?
... that if Annie says she is okay, she is REALLY not because some guy came into her window, and there was the sound of a crescendo, and some guy made a song about it so she is ticked off?
... that if e=mc², Wikipedia + Uncyclopedia = Trouble?
... that you are not from Hawaii?
... that "garbleflay" does'nt mean anything in pig latin?
... that this is a dyke's world?
... that some animals are too small to be seen with the naked thigh?
... that it's already nine o'clock in the afternoon?
... that it's technically NOT masturbation if you marry yourself?
... that glossy icons are on the way out?
... that sporks are the root of all evil and Satan himself uses them to eat your eyeballs?
... that AA Gill's real name is actually Arsehole Anus Gash Intercourse Labia Lavatory?
... that the penalty for suicide is death?
... that your mom could read this?

Maybe your FATHER could to!!!!!

... that you can taste salt by pretentding to shake salt on your tongue, even though many just say it makes you look like a slut?
... that IT'S OVER 9,000!!!?
- I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!
... that <insert name here> enjoys masticating his weenis?
... that uncyclopedia's DYK page is still freely editable...
... that YOU ARE A TWAT!
- ...and that in Soviet Russia,did you know that can edit you?
...that Spongebob Squarepants is afraid to go to Detroit because Kwame Killed Patrick?
...that Ray Comfort and Kent Hovind sleep in your bed every night while giving each other a blowjob?
... that I'm letting you off this time with a warning?
... that it's not butter?
... that Michael Jackson had a choice between white and yellow?
... that Godzilla was made in China?
... that carrots are not indigenous to the top of the human head?
... that Miss South Carolina is not an expert in geography?
... that New York doesn't mean “new egg”?
... th...tha..t...t...that...eh...I am a...a...stut..stutte..stu..stuttererer....stutterer?
... that Alice in Wonderland was actually written by a pot head hippie?
... that Blacks don't keep parrots as pets because they like crackers?
... that I put up a $2000 bet with a friend that my article would be featured in 2 days time?
... that once Calgon takes you away, you are never seen or heard from again?
... that Assassin's Creed teaches you to be a racist?
... that stabbing yourself in the eyesocket hurts?
... that the Twilight Saga has no fans, only people who have yet to admit they hate it.
... that if you're in doubt, you should stick with missiles?
... that the only thing better than lots of missiles is more bigger and faster missiles?
... that bad guys always get a second chance?
- ...and that this (sadly) also applies to gay emo-vampires?
... that death hurts like hell?
... that you can do anything you want, as long as it doesn't go against the laws of nature.
- ...and that the police will be more than likely to try and stop you.
... that some day, you might just get your own little toaster?
... that GLaDOS is glad it got burnt?
... that for some reason I was at your moms house last night?
... that an aardvark is featured on the alternate cover of Shaquille O'Neal's autobiography?
... that you spin my head right round, right round when you go down, when you go down down?
... that birds suddenly appear when I'm close to You?
... that birds have heart attacks too?
... that Justin Bieber is actually a girl?
... that smart Americans are about as common as a bad Canadian beer. There out there but it is very rare......
... that AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
... that i like turtles?
... zat ven you overlay bose kindz of Nazi svastikaz, you get ze Vindows logo?
... that Mary had a little lamb?
... that Jesus is the only being to have ever revived Aeris without a Pheonix Down?
- ...but then dumped her living body into the water just for the hell of it?
  - ...but was defeated at the hands of Tifa and her Juggernaut Jugz?
... that you just got ambushed by a wild SQUIRTLE?
... that a wise old man once said, "if you don't succeed, try again...but if that fails then try taking your shirt off and spinning it in the air like a motherf***ing helicopter!”?
... that people are having a party in the dark side?
... that the only man to have ever completely read a terms of agreements page was Bill Gates?
... that you should add suggested images ate the bottom of this page?
... that only one Falcon Punch is required for a surprise abortion?
... that the PS3 is better than the X-Box 360?
... that Night Vision goggles will show you the way to the light?
... that having Adobe After Effects does NOT mean that you will continuously fart after eating with Adobe executives?
... that James Cameron's Avatar was actually created using Windows Movie Maker (XP Version)?
... that it's not you, it's me?
... that the statement above was a LIE?
... that your sex is on fire?
... that Sherlock Holmes raped the FUCK out of Nancy Drew?
... that in Congo they conga for 20 hours every day?
... that you were only invited out of pity?
... that tomorrow is you bosses birthday, and he has been dropping hints all week about gifts?
... that every time Microsoft Office crashes, a Microsoft employee flips a coin to decide if your document is saved?
... that this sentence is false?
... that the ingredients for ultimate CHAOS is two strawberries and one egg?
... that Ganondorf is on the moon above Termina raping Zelda?
... that I'm on the highway to hell?
... that I saw a skinny, white man yesterday with nothing but boxers on, running up and down across the street screaming, 'OHHH OHHH OHHH OHHH!?'
... that if you can't handle the truth, you can handle a lie?
... that 'putting it in' and 'taking it out' can mean putting your butter knife to scoop the butter and taking the butter knife out?
... that we've only got 3 1/2 minutes to save the world?
... that PISSING out the window and SHITTING out the window are TWO DIFFERENT THINGS?!
... that more people are killed each year by falling coconuts than stationary ones?
... that you will probably never use your degree?
... that this...is the Matrix...
... that the cake is not a lie, according to Minecraft creator Markus Persson?
... that the majority of Uncyclopedia vandal edits are made from open proxies and school IPs?
... that every time someone micspams a Gabe Newell remix, he deletes the existing data for Episode Three?
... that the only reason Half-Life 2: Episode Three hasn't been started yet is that all the developers are obsessed with making more Team Fortress 2 hats?
... that the movie Transformers was based on a true story?
... that アンサイクロペヂアの人は日本語が分からない？
... that 127.0.0.1 is a tosser?
... that Superman's costume was not a costume, but a natural Kryptonian skin pattern?
... that you didn't know about knowing this?
... that people named Fredrick are 4.32 times more likely to laugh at pictures of a mongoose than the average person?
... that on the internet the human head weighs 5 pounds?
... that it's legal to marry a horse in Missouri?
... that Mormons believed the Garden of Eden was located in Jackson County, Missouri?
... that atheists don't serve in foxholes during battle combat?
... that atheists can't find dates (due to 3 out of 5 dates are discovered at church, not the 1 out of 5 from E-harmony, match dot com or some dating site)
... that atheists can't go to heaven nor hell?
... that nobody gives a FUCK anymore?
... that i want my eyebrow pierced and dont give shit what people say?
... that the last three of these were me and im severely bored?
... that 98% of statistics go unreported?
... that the point is generally pointy?
... that you are reading this?
... that you are adopted?
... that you were aborted but your parents failed at it?
... that some guy out there would suck off an elephant for a Klondike bar?
... that nobody reads this shit and i can vandalize it if i want? eat it bitches!!!11!!1one!!11eleven
... orgazmu tam dostal na miejscu?
... that <insert name here> is a forty year old virgin?
... that before you go to a foreign country you need to make sure to bring a towel?
... that you're a pussy, but you're ‘’my’’ pussy?
... that there is no tool in this pool?
- ... And that I will gladly get out if you let me join your crew?
... that God is empty just like me?
... that despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage?
... that I fuck like a beast?
... <insert name here>, that I am your father?
... that every 7.908 seconds, some idiot posts "... that you are reading this" on Uncyclopedia's Did You Know page?
... that the Hebrew name Jesus Christ roughly translates to "+Jimme Henderickss"?
... that you're dreaming.
... that Uncylopedia has about as many pages as Wookieepdia, the Star Wars wiki?
...that being russian has its flaws to?
...that the world one day will end?
...that Uncyclopedia will one day end?
...Why is there so many DYK on UNmarine777?
...Who's writing stuff about me and that I am going to hit you with broken Vodka bottle, why pick on UNmarine777?
...That the bird is the word?
...that the Quick Revive drink in Call of Duty Zombies tastes allot like fish?
...that the default textures in popular computer game Minecraft are 16x16 pixels?
...that my Heart Heart, Heart is so jet-lagged, Heart Heart, Heart is so jet-lagged?
...that DJ got us falling in love again?
...that you have something to die for?
...you can call the Vasectomy and Circumcision clinic on 1300 CIRC?
...Herman Li's penis is actually is right hand middle finger?
...Bat Fuck InsaneDOCTOR OCATAGONAPUSS BLAH!!!!!!!!!! Cum OOH FREEE PORRN!!!
...That porn I free now!!!
... That UNmarine777 is going to be a joke like Chuck Norris facts or Oscar wilde on this site.
...tthat 95% of poeple don't know about this site?
...That a politicians memory lasts 3 seconds.
..That your own shi's actually do stink
...that Osama is dead?
...that 'gullible' is written on the back of your laptop?
..That Windows Updates is just a conspiracy to waste your time
..That if Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts closed 98% of Americans would die before they got to work.
..Food is the leading cause of Poop.
..That people from Texas are only 1/4 Human and thats a generous estimate.
..That Moses lead the Isrealites to cheaper pickles.
.. That Rockstar energy drink makes your pee glow in the dark.
..That it's the cows fault, for being delicious.
..That there was an unreleased Mac commercial with PC crapping on Mac because of viruses?
.. That someone who discusses or tempers with religious matters are actually "anusborn" (a person born through the anus of his/her mum)?
...That The Box Office is cardboard?
- ...and therefore be a spaceship
  - ...or a castle.
    - ...but not a gay one...I mean no princess shit.
...that Freddie Mercury was ressurected in the form of a tiger named Mr. Fahrenheit?
...that two people named charlie chained to eachother are numchucks
...that all true warriors strive for DINNER/THE KING/THE TRIFORCE OF COURAGE/PICINC/GAY LUIGI/OCTOROK/SNAKE/YOUR FACE/YOUR MAJESTY/WII/GANON/THIS PEACE/THE PIT/CUM/MY STUFF/SWORD/THE MAP (where do you wish to go?)/BOWSER/SQUADALA/(one month later)/THE MUSHROOM KINGDOM/THE EASIEST BOSS BATTLE EVER/A KISS/JUNGLE!!!!!!!/LOSTA SPAGHETTI
...That internet troll Vic Toews spent 15 years preparing for the greatest troll in history, including a stint as a federal minister of Canuckistan?
... that the main reason of global warming is raising the number of hot girls across the world and that politicians want to make it warmer to have more hot girls?
... that you don't know anything?
... that I'm sexy...
- .. and I know it!
...that i am stupid

...that 4 out of 10 scientist at the Harvard University found that 3 out of every 4 people don't care about statistics while 2 out of every 10 really don't care. This cause the scientist to throw the books down and party. There was a lot of sex involved. A lot of sex.
...that I sent you a request in Farmville
...that if you can't spell then Satan climbs down your chimney every Christmas eve
...that if you search for Wikipedia in Wikipedia the internet will overheat and explode
...that the Oxford English Dictionary contains the word "skldfjuioew89rcjsda;i'pP]=-0-o0*&(^*^%&^%*&I(UJ(*UJ78yyh78';l{];[;;#[']lkowejo"
...that murder is illegal in 18 US states
...that God is the only person alive to have won the lottery 5 times in a row
...that The Bible is in fact a porn magazine
...that eating nitroglycerine is bad for you
...that the prime minister of Russia invented the periodic table
...that bacon is amazing
...that nothing
...that eye karnt sppel
...that Father Christmas is on the sex offenders register
...that there is no such thing as a liar?
...that i'm never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around or desert you
- ...never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna tell a lie and hurt you
...that these 'did you know's should have question marks, but none of them do
...that
...that Jesus loves you
...that Big Brother is watching you, along with I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!
...that Buddy you're a boy make a big noise playin' in the street gonna be a big man some day you got mud on yo' face you big disgrace kickin' your can all over the place
- ... we will we will rock you, we will we will rock you
  - ...Buddy you're a young man hard man shoutin' in the street gonna take on the world some day you got blood on yo' face you big disgrace wavin' your banner all over the place
    - ...We will we will rock you, we will we will rock you
      - ...Buddy you're an old man poor man pleadin' with your eyes gonna make you some peace some day you got mud on your face you big disgrace somebody better put you back in your place
        ...We will we will rock you, we will we will rock you
That they're all wearing toupees?
...that it wouldn't make any difference if Fred Could Beat Alice At Hockey?

Instead of using

...that food is probably the most addictive substance known to man?

Can we use,

...that food is probably the most addictive substance known to woman?

Or

...that sex/beer is probably the most addictive substance known to man?

...that 'Harvard' rhymes with 'discovered'

...that astatine exists.
- ...Yes, Edexcel, astatine exists and is in group 7 of the periodic table. Symbol: At, Atomic number: 85, relative atomic mass: 210. We need to act to end discrimination against radioactive elements.
...that oxygen is a carcinogen
- ...that's right. if it wasn't for oxygen, no-one would get cancer.
...that everyone hates you
...that I know where you live
...that Jehovah's Witnesses are actually aliens sent to brainwash the world's population into following their bizarre alien cult
...that the square root of 81 equals the square root of 81.
...that 100% of humans in the world are humans.
...that a recent study by the University of Monatana concluded that puppies being burnt alive is absolutely hilarious
...that Gangnam Style is a message from aliens
...that you know you can tell if someone's an atheist if they are wearing a tie. Atheists love ties.
...that there is no point in a circle
...that although hot water freezes more rapidly than cold water, frozen water freezes faster than either.
...that there exists a transitory moment between traffic light changes from one color to the next when there is no color at all and it is legal to proceed through the intersection if you are travelling at the speed of light, man?
...that exercising your right to remain silent merely keeps your mime skills fit and keen?
...that the term 'child touching' is considered measurably less offensive than the term 'juvenile ass rape resulting in a torn and bloody lower intestine'?
...that your tape worm is hungry and wants you to eat something?
...that although you can't hug anyone with nuclear arms, a nuclear powered vibrator can give you 26,592 years of intense uninterrupted personal pleasure?
...that Wikia will destroy the world if you look at anything they own- *world explodes*
....that Will.I.Am wrote the song "My humps" in painful memory of the time he did not fly a helicopter? He had to drive his own car.
...that due to televisions influence if you watch a documentary about Nazi Germany, you are 80% more likely to kill a million Jews?
...that frogs are smaller than llamas?
...that Laurence Olivier is still alive?

Uncyclopedia:DYK submissions/Archive 1

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