Oltcit

Sexy.......

Oltcit (pronunciation: [ˈɔlt͡ʃit̪]), officially meaning Oltenia–Citroën, in reality stands for the Romanian phrase „oltean cu țițele în ciorbă“, which translates as “a man from Oltenia with tits in the soup” or something— was a small "automobile" produced between 1982 and 1994 by nocturnal Romanian laborers in a cursed industrial zone just outside Transylvania on the concept of theft reverse-engineering.

History

Dacia 1300 (left) and Oltcit Club (right)

Romania had already dipped its toes into the automotive world with the Dacia 1100 and 1300 — cars that were, in essence, unauthorized recreations of Renaults 8 and 12. The process of obtaining the necessary technology was creative, to say the least: official delegations were sent west, often returning with more than just brochures. Factories, blueprints, tooling — all were stolen. The replication process was carried out by a domestic workforce that understood cars in the same way a blind butcher understands surgery: with confidence, but no measurable skill.

By the late 1970s, it became apparent — even to the leadership — that the old model was unsustainable. A change of direction was needed. Thus, the small man, who at the time enjoyed absolute control and zero technical competence, ordered a new project. A modern car. Not another Renault knock-off — no, this one would be different. This one would be Romanian.

Location of assembly line

The process began with the theft purchase of a Citroën Visa, which was to serve as "inspiration." But the Romanians didn’t stop there. They also stolen borrowed engines and gearboxes — not from the modest Visa, but from the larger Citroën GS. They simply couldn’t help themselves. Theft had become tradition in Romania since forever. Unfortunately, by the early 1980s, they could no longer afford to steal properly. With debt piling up and France distancing itself, the vampires were left with no choice but to manufacture their own components — often from leftover construction scrap, re-melted cookware, or spare parts for agricultural equipment.

Production began in 1981, with the car initially containing around 65% French components (most of them stolen). That figure dropped quickly as money disappeared and replacements were sourced locally. The result was catastrophic. The vehicle gained a reputation — not for reliability or safety, but for a unique engineering trait: self-lightening. Body panels would detach spontaneously, sometimes while parked, sometimes mid-drive — an apparent attempt by the car to reduce its own suffering.

Following the heavily televised demise of the ruling regime, the project was hastily rebranded as Oltena, in a limp effort to shed its French associations. The name changed. The quality did not.

Then, in 1993, a group of enterprising South Koreans from Daewoo arrived. They brought consultants, translators, clipboards, and polite smiles. After a brief inspection of the factory, the workforce, and the cars, they made a fast business decision: take control of the company. They rebranded it as Rodae — a name that vaguely nodded to Korean-Romanian cooperation. Say what you will about Romanians: they might be thieves, liars, folkloric organ smugglers, and habitual panel stealers — but they’re patriots. The Oltcit lived on under the name Rodae Club, limping forward until 1996, when the Koreans finally lost interest and shut everything down.

Trims

Th Oltcit w s availabl in a few v rsions, but don’t b fool d—all of th m w r th sam bad jok , just with diff r nt nam s!!!

Oltcit Special

Oltcit Sp cial

Sp cial—r ally?? This is suppos d to be th “sp cial” v rsion?! With a two-cylind r ngin and 34 hor opow r, it’s lit rally a mock ry of what a car should b !!! How can som thing so slow v n xist?? And th body pan ls??? Th y w r so **mobil ** th t th y f ll off on th ir own, or maybe th vampir s stol th m during production!!! Who d sig d this thing?! How can it v n b call d a car wh n it los s parts lik this??!!

Olt it Club

Oltcit Club 11 TRL

Th Club—b caus who wouldn’t want to b part of th club of dysfuncti nal cars?! This mod l had s v ral v rsions, all wors than th last:

11 R

This “R” do sn’t m an Rally, it m ans “R ally bad id a”!! How can a car b this slow?? It was lik th y stol it from a bad nightm r and th n gav it a n w nam  !! Pan ls f ll off as if that was part of th d sign—was that on purpos ? How could **anyon ** think this was acc ptabl ??!

11 TRS

A bit b tt r? Mayb … if you count th shiny finish. But it was still a compl t disaster!!! Th body pan ls f ll off, and th ngin stopp d as soon as you tri d to acc l rat !! ! How could th y v n call this a luxury mod l???? Stol n parts mix d with brok n dr ams—that was th “upgrad ”!!!

11 TRL

TRL—w t th h ck is this? Anoth r l v l of fr ud!!! Sam catastrophic probl ms, only now with mor stol n pi c s!!! Pan ls still f ll off, th ngin still struggl d… how could anyon think this had a chanc ???? Just mor parts missing—nothing ls !!!

"Citroën Axel"

Citroën Axel

And th n cam th Citroën Axel—wh t th h@ck??? A li ns -l ss disgrac , stol n from th Oltcit and sold with no sham ! What did th y think? Just throw a Citroën badg on this junk and hop p opl wouldn’t notic ??? Mor stol n parts, mor disast r, just now in a diff r nt mark t!!! How do you v n g t away with this??? It was still th sam junk, just now it’s som on else’s probl m!!!

Specs

It was stolen—along with everything else.

In case of buying an Oltcit, You will:

• With approximately 89.3% probability, steal the first object you see — whether it’s a windshield wiper, a human kidney, or someone’s handbag from the front seat

• In 77.1% of cases, lose your national identity and gradually become a nomadic roadside merchant with unclear documentation and permanent garlic breath
• 68.4% chance you will begin selling black-market organs from the trunk, mostly harvested in unlit parking lots using tools that once belonged to your grandfather
• 93.2% probability that your blood will be slowly replaced by boiled plum liquor, which you will start calling “engine coolant”
• 74.7% chance you will start drinking blood, not as a vampire tradition, but as part of a regional custom to keep the Oltcit engine from freezing
• In 82.6% of scenarios, you will begin to barter with local witches, trading spark plugs and gall bladders for technical advice
• 91.5% probability that you’ll consider removing your own organs and selling them to finance basic repairs such as a working door or a clutch that doesn't scream
• 79.8% chance you’ll be caught explaining to border guards why your car contains no two matching parts, seven suspicious jars, and a burlap sack that keeps moving
• 66.9% chance you'll sleep in the car, not because you want to, but because someone stole your house while you were replacing the transmission with a piece of wood

See also

• Romania
• Tesla Cybertruck
• Romanian exports
• Theft